The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Who Is Fooling Who?

Being old, I’ve done more than my fair share of judging awards.

I enjoy it.

Yes it’s a major investment in terms of time, but when you come across an absolutely devastatingly good submission, it’s worth every second.

However it is also fair to say that over the years, there have been some real painful experiences. Either in terms of average papers being seemingly entered into every category in a bid to increase the odds of winning something or papers that have such a strong scent of scam, even Ray Charles can see how suspect they are. [Sorry Mr Charles]

I always laugh when I come across those. Specially at the agencies submitting them … because while they obviously think they are geniuses – or the judges are idiots – the reality is they’re wrong on both counts.

But here’s the thing, people can slag off awards all they like, but they matter.

For Colenso for example, they’re important.

We’re a small agency on the other side of the planet and being able to show our creativity and effectiveness is vitally important to keep demonstrating our validity to attract global clients.

But – and it’s a big but – it only works if its real.

And that only works if all the winners around it are also real.

Now I appreciate that different clients have different needs and budgets.

I appreciate different markets have different cultural traits, behaviours and media.

I absolutely appreciate some entries use a language that is not their native tongue.

And I think that is all brilliant – though I also think none-native English speakers are at an immediate disadvantage and the award organisers should be looking at ways to change that.

However, if you need to write 8456738585463 words to explain your problem or your idea or your insight or your results … you’re not helping yourself.

Nor are you if you are using the pandemic as your strategies main adversary – often followed up with the words, ‘how do we grow in an era of the new normal?’.

Of course I am not doubting the pandemic has caused havoc among categories of business all over the world. It’s definitely happened to me too. But if we don’t explain what the challenge is – how it has affected behaviour or values or distribution or competition or anything other than it ‘made things more difficult’ … then it’s as lazy as the time I judged the Effies in the US when Trump came to power and the opening line of 85% of all submissions was:

How do we bring a nation divided together?

[My fave was when a whisky brand used that as their creative challenge. HAHAHAHA]

I take the judging seriously because I want the awards to be valued.

I want the awards to be valued because I want the industry to be valued.

And I want the industry to be valued because I want clients to win, creativity to win and the people coming up behind me to have a chance of taking us all to better and more interesting places that we’re at right now.

And I believe they can if we don’t fuck up the chance for them.

I get awards are nice to have.

I get they can drive business and payrises.

But if we keep allowing bullshit a chance to shine – and let’s face it, we have time and time again – then all we’re doing is fucking ourselves over.

I’m fine with failure.

In fact I’m very, very comfortable with it.

Especially when it’s because someone has tried to do something audacious for all the right reasons … because even if it doesn’t come off, it’s opened the door to other things we may never have imagined. There’s even real commercial value to that.

But when agencies create, hijack or exploit problems to just serve their own means – then fuck them. Maybe – just maybe – if they did it at a scale that could make a real difference, you’d be prone to encourage it. But when it’s done to achieve just what is needed to let the creators win an award … then frankly, the organisers and judges have a moral obligation to call it out.

Asia gets a bad wrap for this. And over the years that has been deserved, but I can tell you no market is immune. Hell, I’ve even seen some in NZ recently – or one in particular – and what made it worse was it wasn’t even any good.

But as rubbish as that example was, at least it didn’t stoop to the levels we have seen previously.

Let’s remember it’s only 4 years ago an agency WON MAJOR AWARDS for an app they said could help save refugees on boats by tracking them in the sea … only for them to then claim – when later called out – that the app was in beta testing hence the information being sent back to users was not real.

Amazingly ignoring the fact they didn’t say that in any of their entry submissions and if they had, they wouldn’t have been eligible for the awards they entered in the first place.

Creativity can do amazing things.

Advertising can do amazing things.

But we fuck it up when we put the superficial on the podium.

Of course, this is not just an agency problem. Clients are also part of this. Because if they let agencies do what they are great at rather than treating them as a subservient production partner … maybe we’d not just see more interesting work, but even more interesting and valuable brands.



There’s Bad Day’s And Then There’s Bad, Stupid Days …

I know … I know … how stupid is that?

But believe it or not, that wasn’t the end of the tragic day.

It started badly when I booked an external room so the team could work on a project in peace only to discover the room was on top of a generator and it shook the whole place like we were on a boat for the entire time we were there.

Then, after the ‘cash gate’ incident [which the bank then charged me a further fee for as that account went wildly overdrawn, though – thankfully – Henry did pay me back] … I was going home and stopped at a traffic light when I looked to my left only to see a Police Car, with a policeman looking at me smiling.

“And why was he smiling?” I hear you ask.

Was it the beauty of my car?

No.

Was it the beauty of me?

Errrrm, no.

Was it because he was just being a friendly cop?

Well, he was, but no.

It was actually because I had picked up my phone to check an address and so – as soon as the lights went green – his lights went red and blue and I got stopped and fined.

Once upon a time there was a band called The Weather Girls who sang It’s Raining Men.

Well this day, it rained shit.

That said, I’ve had way worse days of shitty rain. Ha.

Let’s hope this isn’t an omen for the rest of the week.



What Would A Personalised Number Plate Say About You?

Years ago, I was asked the title of this post by an industry journalist.

I replied with, “it would say I was a prick”.

Given a bunch of people in the industry – not to mention my mates – have personalised number plates, it didn’t go down very well, however compared to this, they’re all saints.

Yep, that’s a real number plate.

Better yet, it’s not even a personalised one. [Someone checked]

That is the number plate the DVLC gave the car.

Now I appreciate that maybe you wouldn’t immediately see the perv potential of PU51BAD … but when it’s written out as PU51 BAD, you’d have to be Stevie Wonder to not see it.

And yet the owner of this Volvo – not sure if it’s a male, but a male was driving it – is happily driving around the UK with it.

Why? Surely they know what they’re doing?

Hell, it seems they even made sure the number plate clearly conveys its questionable words.

Surely they realise the only people who wouldn’t find this cringe worthy are 16 year old boys.

Or maybe I’ve got it wrong.

Given the image of the typical Volvo driver – especially the old Volvo driver – maybe this has given them the bit of an edge they’ve been craving for years.

No longer are they the responsible, safe, family man/woman driver … now they’re sexpests of the most public order.

And to think, Volvo spent untold billions to shed their ‘safe and boring’ persona when all they needed to do was get a perv numberplate.



Proof Comedy Is All About Timing …

Just as the UK Government announced the second wave of COVID rules – ie: work from home and stay at home, despite the fact a couple of weeks earlier, they had announced go to your offices and go out and eat and drink with people – I saw this ‘ad’ on Twitter.

Comic timing genius.

Maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe it’s not ridiculous after all.

Maybe it’s designed to inspire Brits to visit their country when the Government do their next u-turn on thinking again.

Or maybe it’s an example of the brilliant ‘direct to consumer’ targeting we hear so many companies go on about.

But if that’s the case, I would suggest they made a mistake targeting me, because surely the individual they should be talking to is Dominic ‘I visit castles’ Cummings?



Your Past Never Hides …

So after the rather big news for me and my family on Friday, I thought I’d write a post that gives my new gang at Colenso an idea of what they have got to look forward to.

A few weeks ago, I was messing around on YouTube when – by utter chance – I came across a video of one of my old planning gang from R/GA.

It was unbelievable.

In fact, I had to watch it twice as I couldn’t believe I had been so lucky … I mean, fortunate.

Not only were they young.

Not only were they smartly dressed.

But they were in full-on corporate toady mode.

Fortunately for them, I am a kind, caring and considerate person … so rather than let this piece of video suicide hide in plain sight for any innocent person – or client – to stumble across, I decided to take the selfless path and notify them of what I had found.

Sure, I might have done it with a bit too much glee.

Sure, I might have milked it a little too much.

But it’s the thought that counts.

Or at least I thought it was, until I got their reply …

Oh I can’t tell you how much I loved this reply.

It literally made me spit out the drink I was having at the time.

It’s not just that he thinks I was doing some z-grade CIA check on him in an attempt to get material to humiliate and Ambar as him, it’s the fact that while I haven’t shown the celluloid car crash to anyone else [which even I’m surprised about], he knows that I know it exists.

I believe it’s called, ‘leverage’ … though I think they would refer to it as blackmail.