The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

The Rollercoaster Of Life …
February 12, 2007, 9:57 am
Filed under: Comment


The most expensive ‘small thing’ in the World. [OK, in MY World!]

So I think some of you out there know about the ‘weirdness’ going on in my life at the moment – however at the weekend, I did one of the best and most sensible things I’ve ever done in my life.

I got engaged to Jill.

Despite me being 36 years old … despite me taking the piss out of her with Jillyism’s … despite me dragging her all around the World … despite me having physical similarities to Woody Allen and Bob Dylan … despite me having an alarming lack of maturity and responsibility … despite me having weird friends … despite me releasing a bunch of my skeletons to the wider World … she said yes and I couldn’t be happier.

Of course I was dead romantic. Oh yes.

I spent ages thinking of ways to ‘pop the question’ … including doing it on this blog[!] … and after a surreal conversation with her parents asking for permission [which somewhat scarily they gave!] I’d decided to go out, buy some coffee’s and put the ring inside the bag then casually mention I’d bought a ‘little treat’ so she’d rush over to the bag and rip it open [she likes treats] only to see the ring lying there in all it’s overpriced glory.

Raspberry muffins 

More enjoyable than a diamond ring?

However, after some thought, I realised Jill loves sweet treats so much, she’d probably be really disappointed if I hadn’t really got her a muffin so in the end, after a sleepless night, I nervously woke her up early Saturday morning and with tears in my eyes [happy tears I should add] I performed an adaptation of my one and only ring trick [see below]

Because she was half asleep, her first reaction was “I’ve seen this trick, why are you showing it to me?” but then, when her eyes caught sight of the bling and she realised what was really going on, she shouted yes and I suddenly had a fiance. [OH MY GOD!]

Now I know this isn’t exactly the thing to say … but can someone tell me why diamonds cost so bloody much. [I don’t think it’s a coincidence fiance sounds so close to finance!]

Yeah … yeah … they are a precious stone – but the thing is I can walk down any high street, in any city, in any country and find the bloody things in every Jewellery Shop window – so I have to ask, just how ‘rare’ are they?

Then there’s the fact diamonds have about 8,000 different ‘grading’ attributes – which either drives up or drives down the cost of the little things. 

There can be 2 seemingly identical diamonds but with a price difference of thousands of dollars, simply because some so-called ‘expert’ tells you one is a ‘A’ grade while the other is a ‘D’. I wouldn’t mind except in most cases, you can’t tell the bloody difference between the two. 

[Mind you, that’s ‘blokes’ who can’t tell the difference … women are educated from birth about how to spot a quality diamond so you can’t pull the wool over their eyes, however hard you may try. Damn!]

However there is one thing the Diamond Industry have come up with to keep the price of their ‘output’ high … and it is quite possibly the best marketing scam EVER.

In the REAL World, if you buy a product, you tend to get a guarantee that states …

1 The item is what you believe it is

2 If anything goes wrong, it is proof of purchase and they’ll fix it for you.

Not with diamonds though. Oh no.

If you want your diamond to have an official ‘guarantee’ [ie: if you sell it one day, the purchaser knows it’s a certified diamond] they con you into paying another 25% for the thing.

That’s right, they charge 25% more FOR THE SAME DIAMOND just so you can have a piece of paper that says “This is a diamond. Honest!” 

So not only do the bastards try and guilt-trip you into spending 2 months of your hard-earned salary on a minute stone that comes from bloody coal … then they say you have to pay a whole heap more of cash just so you can be ‘sure’ it’s genuine!

Isn’t that astounding?  Almost as astounding as the fools who do it! [ie: Andy who has bought god knows how many during his numerous marriage and engagements!]

Now don’t think I’m a cheap bastard – I’ve bought some expensive things in my life … car, house, guitars – even my watch – but nothing in the World has cost me so much cash for …

1 Something so small

2 Something I don’t even get to keep

.. I am sure it’s an anti-male conspiracy … and 2/1 Germaine Greer has something to do with it!


The Happy Couple [The one on the right is slightly happier as she got the ‘goods’!]

So there you go, I’m officially ‘off the market’ … though given my facial issue, it’s fair to say I’ve been off the market for a very, very long time. Ha.  

So to my darling Jill … thanks for being the most wonderful, beautiful, loving, smart [despite the odd ‘Jillyism’] funny and [sometime] patient woman I’ve ever met … thanks for not judging on looks … thanks for saying yes … and may our lives together be full of fun, laughter and experiences. [But never going shopping for bathroom cabinets or carpets, Especially on a Sunday!]



Taken just before I reminded her about the ring …


… then strangling me while proving ‘Diamonds ARE A Girls Best Friend!’

59 Comments so far
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About time.
Congratulations mate, can’t wait to see you both.

Comment by Pete

well done mate. make sure you dont do anything to piss her off because shell be making off with a fuckload more cash than that diamond cost you.
well done and see you soon.

Comment by andy@cynic

Great news. Great start to the week.

Comment by George

That is wonderful news Robert. All my best to you and Jill and I look forward to seeing the beautiful ring closer up.
Best wishes, Katerina

Comment by Katerina

aw! that’s awesome!! congrats to both of ya..

Comment by lauren

Good one boss

Comment by Billy Whizz

George just told me the fantastic news. A big hug and congratulations to both of you.

Comment by Mary Bryant

All of you … bar Mary and Lauren … HAVE TO congratulate me [it’s the rules of friendship / employment], but I do appreciate all your kind words – especially from the ladies, who all have added a touch of ‘class’ to the proceedings.

Comment by Rob

Well done, well done old chap.
Is this love or the byproduct of knocking her up?

Comment by Wayne Green

I don’t know why I’m saying it here….you sit two doors away and I have already done it in person.

CONGRATULATIONS! Well done my firend. And the ring is stunning, more so than the “trick”…sorry.

I’m pretty sure Jill could care less about the ring (despite being a woman) or your trick. Of course she thinks the ring is beautiful, but when you hear her worrying about only having 35-40 years together with you, you know the ring doesn’t really matter. Fantastic!

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

I’m pretty sure Jill couldn’t care less about the ring (despite being a woman) or your trick. Of course she thinks the ring is beautiful, but when you hear her worrying about only having 35-40 years together with you, you know the ring doesn’t really matter. Fantastic!

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

so much for ‘class’ and ‘rob’ never being in the same sentence…

Comment by lauren

Don’t worry Fred … I’ll make sure Jill feels the 35-40 years we have together feel like the longest time of her life!

BTW: Why does she think I’m going to die in 35-40 years? Does she know something I don’t???

Comment by Rob

Lauren – you are right.

Hell, you CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

Wonder how long that will last for eh!

Comment by Rob

until the wedding preps becoming so overwhelming that the only solution is to seek solace in a bag of crisps and re-runs of the 1997 FA Cup (or whatever sporting milestone takes your fancy)

Comment by lauren

I bought a great documentary called BRIDEZILLAS and told Jill that at first sign of her becoming a pre-wedding monster, it could all be off.

Luckily she’s a cool, laid back chick who – like me – wants something understated so expect to hear about our wedding being at KFC.


Or probably or not.

Comment by Rob

Bridezillaz is screened here in Oz on pay TV, classic show!

Congrats Rob, good stuff.

ps. If your wedding is at KFC does that mean you’ll have a giant potato and gravy as opposed to a traditional cake? God that would rule so bad…

Comment by Age

congratulations rob and the best to both of you. sample of one, but married life isn’t too bad (as long as you stick to the bathroom cabinet/carpet shopping exemption at weekends).

Comment by Gareth

Hi Rob, I have to say your proposal ideas are all pretty off-beat, but cool! Ha. I wonder, did she cry too? Those photos of the two of you post-proposal made me go “Awww….”…Anyway, my heartiest congratulations to both of you 🙂 Ah, and on another note, that coffee is still on yeah? – Zhirong

Comment by theletterzee

AGE: If I do end up in KFC, I would say it does mean a giant mash potato and gravy instead of a cake. Mind you, it’d be a DIVORCE Cake as Jill isn’t THAT laid back. Let me see what I can talk her into – afterall, for my 30th birthday we had a McDonalds Kids Party which was one of the most disgustingly debauched events since Led Zeppelin in the 1970’s.

Gareth – Thanks mate though I know you keep your marriage sweet by taking her to WWF exhibitions at every opportunity, ha … which reminds me to look for that Undertaker autograph I promised you. Sorry – it totally slipped my mind.

Zhirong – of course coffee is still on and I’m in such a good mood, I’ll even throw in a cake. [That’s if the money left in my bank account allows it!]

Comment by Rob

Hello Robert. As your lawyer, I should advise that not answering Wayne’s question does throw a degree of suspicion upon your motives for engagement. Congratulations though, will a pre-nup be needed?

Comment by John Hart

I’ve told you this mate, but since this blog has become a sort of ‘Guest book’ my official Congratulations to you and Jill. I’m sure you guys are going to have a great time together.

Oh, and the KFC wedding would’ve been a lot more believable if you hadn’t fallen for the DeBeers plan in the first place. So folks, get ready for a wedding at the Raffles Hotel followed by a blog rant on the amount of money spent on white gowns that are worn for just one day of your life (If you ask me, that’s way worse than a carbon crystal, which at least the women wear everyday.)

Comment by Hari

Why is it that as soon as a lawyer asks me a question, I immediately feel guilty and want to confess … even if it’s something I’ve not done or is not true?

Let me clarify this once and for all – JILL IS NOT PREGNANT, I asked her to marry me because I want her to marry me – no more, no less.

Is that OK for you?

And when you talk about a pre-nup, I take it you mean to protect Jill’s assets because as you know, my financial situation was hardly fantastic reading PRIOR to buying the ring so you can just imagine what it’s like now!

I think you’re mistaking me for Andy and his millions again.

Comment by Rob

Hari … let me assure you, when we do get married it will not – in any way – feature things like Raffles Hotels and/or White Dresses … because apart from us wanting something very, very, very understated and laid back – we don’t know enough people we could invite to fill the Raffles venue in the first place, ha!

Comment by Rob

Of course Robert. Of course.

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Comment by John Hart

ill look after jills assets.

Comment by andy@cynic

John … thanks for your blogging ‘debut’ – very impressive – now please get back into your box thank-you-very-much, ha.

Andy … it’s that sort of talk that cost you a couple of wives and too much of your money.

Comment by Rob

good point.
better delete that comment incase the wife reads it. dont want any misunderstandings do we?

Comment by andy@cynic

Hahahaha, I think you meant to say …

“… better delete that comment incase the wife reads it. dont want any misunderstandings do ‘I’

And of course I can … just send a cheque to the usual address and all your problems will ‘disappear’. Love Rob.

Comment by Robert


i will not be blackmailed just because you have obtained a ring and woman above your financial and social standing. mind you, i can hardly talk, especially where social standing is concerned.

ok, lets call it quits but only because im bloody happy and proud of you.

Comment by andy@cynic

europe is happy about this. Good morning.

Comment by Marcus Brown

Thank you Marcus – and she voted sausage!

Comment by Rob

I can appreciate why alot of people on this post HAVEN’T commented on my amazing ‘ring trick’ [because I’ve been boring you continuously with it for the past 6 years] BUT WHY HASN’T ANYONE ELSE SAID ANYTHING? It’s brill. I’m the Nottingham Paul Daniels. Sort of. [He has more hair!]

Comment by Rob

rob, the trick is, how would andy put it… “desperate”

Comment by Marcus Brown

Desperate? … DESPERATE??

Does desperate mean ‘genius’ in German!!!!

It’d better!

Comment by Rob

come on rob, my 6 year old has been doing that trick for YEARS.

Comment by Marcus Brown

Given I’m 36 and only just got engaged, can’t you tell that I’M IMMATURE FOR MY AGE!!!!

[Either that or your 6 year old is advanced beyond her years. Hmmmmn, bet you’re going to agree to both points now! Ha]

Comment by Rob

emily isn’t advanced for her age rob, the trick is EASY.

Comment by Marcus Brown

Well, what about the trick where I take a ring and turn it into a dove … do you call that easy???

Comment by Rob

now THAT, is a trick (and one that my 11 year old can do).

Comment by Marcus Brown

Have to agree with Marcus, that trick is slightly naff. Sure, I was impressed the first time you did it for me, but by the 99th and 100th times, it started to get a bit boring.
As you live with Jill, you are bound to have shown her that trick thousands of times, so I can’t help but wonder if your proposal sort of underwhelmed her. Then again, you woke her up from a deep sleep so maybe she couldn’t focus on what you were doing.
All this begs the question, if you have a “ring into a dove” trick, why on Earth didn’t you do that?

Comment by Pete

Errrrrrm, well Marcus, could you ask your 11 year old to teach me that trick because I haven’t got the faintest idea how to do it.

Hell, I can’t even turn eggs into something edible so the chances of me being able to make a Ring into a Dove is somewhat ridiculous.

Damn you and your Harry Potteresque family!

Comment by Rob

my children are sending you a howler.

Comment by Marcus Brown


Comment by Pete

Yes I am Pete … yes I am.

A Howler? That sounds pornographic. Better send it to Andy instead.

Comment by Rob


Ok so you arent going to be the new Paul Daniels, but at least you wont be the new David bloody Blaine…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Thanks Rob … I’d rather be Mrs Thatcher than David Blaine.

Comment by Rob

Mrs Thatcher better, yes? Yes! Or no, maybe.

Comment by Sacrum B. Rown

Well done, England is proud.
Not of the Great Soprendo antics though.
I’m sure Jill is lovelier than Debbie McGee.

Comment by Northern Planner

How I got Jill is even more amazing given I’ve been doing that shit magic trick for years.


Bastards … bastards, bastards, bastards.

Comment by Rob

Maybe they were trying to be nice. Thankfully I seem to be surrounded with people who never miss a chance to let me know how pathetic I am

Comment by Northern Planner

That’s why I moved to Asia – get away from my real bastard mates. How fortunate I have Andy and the gang [ie: you lot] to keep me on my toes.

I am sooooooooo lucky.

Comment by Rob

Wow, no hint of sarcasm there…!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

no. he’s mellow now.

Comment by Sacrum B. Rown

Hey mate,

I am truly happy for you. CONGRATULATIONS to you and Jill on your engagement! Ladies, eat your hearts out.

Comment by Mark

Mark you are too kind … and too blind … but I thank you all the same.

Comment by Rob

Yea! I barely know you but for some reason am so happy for you. Congratulations!

Comment by Emily

Thanks Emily – I appreciate it.

We must catch up soon … it’s been too long.

Comment by Rob

[…] And my beautiful wife-to-be. Even though that was still over a year from happening. […]

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