The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Yes, within 30 days of 2014, I am already getting a national holiday.

China rocks.

Because you are going to be free from my rubbish till Valentines Day, I thought I’d leave you with a post so mind numbingly awful, you will truly appreciate every single day you don’t have to come along here and read my rubbish simply because you have some sadomasochistic instincts that stem from a dark chapter in your life you have erased from your conscious memory.

Or something.

I know what you’re thinking, how on earth could I write something even more mind numbingly awful than the usual mind numbingly awful stuff I write. Well the answer is this:

To most people, the above image would mean little to you other than the fact there are a packet of chips that have a stupid name and have been made to resemble the ghosts in Pacman.

Actually who am I kidding, to most people, the words ‘Pacman’ would mean nothing because you’re all so bloody young.

However to the 5 fools who regularly come on here to abuse me, this image would be an outrage.

Yes, an outrage.

Because Monster Munch aren’t ‘cute characters’ … they’re ugly claws of explosive and – to some – disgustingly strong flavours.

This is what Monster Munch should be:

That’s right … crisps you can’t ignore … packaging you can’t ignore … flavours you can’t ignore and E-numbers your heart wishes it could ignore.

Forget all this cute impostor nonsense, Monster Munch are a taste sensation for the culinary insane and any attempt to persuade people otherwise should be treated as an act of war.

WAR.

What next, Halloween starts being about fancy-dress rather than ghosts and Listerine starts coming in flavours that actually don’t taste like your mouth is having an acid bath?

Oh shit, I’m too late … no wonder the World’s gone mad and society is piss weak.

With that, I’m going to attempt to ‘reset’ the World – or at least the World of Monster Munch – by leaving you with an ad from 1978 … which should not only highlight how wonderfully horrific these original Monster Munch are, but how grateful you should be that you don’t have to read any more of this blog for almost 2 weeks.

Ta-ra.

An American institution.

Creator of the ugliest cartoon character in the history of cartoon characters.

Author of books that inspired and inspire millions of kids all around the World.

Creator of the movie that gave Mike Myers another pay day, despite the fact the last time he was funny was in Wayne’s World.

And I mean the first Wayne’s World … not the sequel.

While I read his books as a kid, it was never my favourite. As far as I was concerned, the Mr Men characters pissed all over The Cat In The Hat … and not just because my Mum went on to inspire Roger Hargreaves to write the ‘Little Ms’ series.

That’s true by the way and we have the original drawing from Roger Hargreaves to prove it.

But recently I saw something Dr Seuss wrote that I thought was fantastic.

Yes, it could have come straight from one of his books.

Yes, it’s got the potential to be utterly twee.

Yes, it’s obvious as hell.

But all that aside, I just like his articulation of why it makes sense to have a sense of humour.

I like it.

I like “if you can see things out of whack, you can see how things can be in whack” .

I think that has implications for we should look at politics, business and life itself.

No, it is not April Fools, it’s the start of the Chinese New Year holiday.

God I love this country and culture.

Anyway, what this means is that after Wednesday, there will be no more blog posts until around Valentine’s day … not because the holiday is that long, but because I might have to go go straight from my holiday in Oz to Russia. Don’t ask, just don’t ask.

But as I said, I’ll be back and it will be on Valentine’s Day where I will make sure that even though you won’t get any valentines messages from anyone, you’ll get one from me. Ahem.

And if you think that is bad, watch this – though I’m slightly concerned that some of the lines the lady explains may have come from a couple of people who come on here. Mentioning no names Billy or John.

Oops.

If you want to hear some of the lamest, you should check out this.

Which – ironically – I also think could have been used by a couple of people who comment on here. Mentioning no names Billy or John.

Double Oops.

Actually, who am I kidding, it’s not a culture, it’s an expectation … and the worst place to be exposed to it is in restaurants.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to give additional money to someone who I believe has genuinely enhanced my eating experience – whether that is by their advice, attentiveness or all round demeanour – but I detest the expectation that I should pay even more for something I’ve already [over]paid for, simply because someone dropped a plate of slop in front of my face.

Yes, I know this is a British thing and I know how poorly paid many waiters/waitresses are [I was one once and I was terribly paid, mainly because I was terrible] but it gets on my nerves.

Of course, when a restaurant owner automatically adds the tip to the bill, then I nearly explode.

How dare they!

Apart from the fact that a tip should be a discretionary payment, how the hell do I know the person I may want to get the cash, will get the cash?

But what’s blowing my mind these days is the % people are now expecting as a ‘tip’.

Yes, I can be a tight fucker, but in the US, 20% is the minimum expected amount.

TWENTY PERCENT … for taking an order, dropping some food in front of your face and handing your the bill at the end of the night.

TWENTY PERCENT.

And adland feels lucky when they make 10% and for that, there clients basically expect them to be their 24/7 slaves!

I remember once being in the US with a friend and the bill came to about $65.

My friend handed over a $100 bill and the waiter said, “Do you want change?”

Cheeky bastard.

Fortunately my friend – a Brit – put the smug waiter in his place by announcing he wanted every cent owed to him.

What’s fascinating is that in China, tipping is frowned upon.

Yes you can say the country is rich – and it is – but for many millions of people, their life is very poor and yet despite that, tipping is seen as something you shouldn’t actually do and something actively discouraged.

I cannot tell you the amount of bollockings I’ve been given by colleagues for tipping taxi drivers, delivery men or restaurant staff … but the reason is always because [1] they have given me good service and [2] they never expect it.

OK, there’s also the fact I feel guilty earning a proportionately much higher salary as a guest of this wonderful country than the average person born here so that always encourages me to hand over more than I should [which in many cases, has already been bumped up by the owner for being exactly that sort of person] but the fact is, customer service people here still don’t expect gratuity [at least in the form of customer tips, they do expect ‘annual bonuses’ from their company] and when you compare that to the US service industry, that’s astonishing.

The role of a tip – or bonus – is to act as an incentive to be at your best. Do the best work you can. Push your boundaries. When you expect it, then the point of a tip is nullified and everything goes downhill.

Of course the biggest issue is whether people are being paid fairly in the first place and that’s a whole different discussion point, but where [expected] tipping is concerned, it drives me nuts.

Of pushing boundaries.

Of finding that killer insight that can tap into societies heart and mind in ways that literally transform culture.

We go on about consumers journeys.

Transmedia thinking.

Cultural tension points.

I’m not saying it’s all bollocks … but I do think that sometimes we forget that for a lot of people, something that gives them a moment of laughter is more appealing than the best brand proposition in the entire Universe.

Imagine you are a company selling cheese graters.

Yes, cheese graters.

Do you hire an agency to help you position your product in a way that is better than the competition?

Do you ask the planner to uncover an insight that can engage – or influence – the broader culture?

Do you engage media experts to identify the ultimate touch points to reach your idea consumer?

Or do you simply do this?

Yes it’s cheesy [pun fully intended] … yes it is reliant on someone walking down a particular aisle of a supermarket … yes it loses all its charm the moment you have removed it from the packaging … but sometimes the biggest insight is there is no insight, or should I say no insight that will fundamentally grow/differentiate your brand from the countless others and if you want to stand out, it’s better to let go of all the rules and just make someone smile.

And yes, I do know that’s a sort-of insight, but not so much of an insight as the fact that going shopping with children is supposedly the 5th most stressful experience after death, divorce, marriage & child-birth … so anything that can inject a moment of joviality will be disproportionately appealing.