The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

When You Try To Hard Not To Show What You’re Afraid Of …

So recently I saw this from Tiffany …

It costs US$3500.

Now don’t get me wrong, I appreciate Tiffany are trying to shed the ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’ stereotype … and I’m all for brands exploring and experimenting … but this feels so wrong.

An attempt to be cool without understanding what is cool.

The equivalent of a Goldman Sachs CEO thinking they’re a DJ and because they’re rich, people just nod at them. Oh yes, we have that too don’t we. Ha.

The problem classic luxury brands have is its street culture driving the luxury category – especially in fashion – not the other way around and most definitely not in this sort of overt and contrived way.

Sure some classic luxury brands have managed to do this, but they’ve done it with more deliberate, committed and authentic acts and associations, not just some random drops in scale categories.

Will the Tiffany ball sell?

Of course and some will say that’s all that matters … but the real question is at what cost?

It all feels like Ducati a few years ago when they sold their name to everything. Including a USB drive.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a fast USB transfer rate as much as the next sad bastard, but the only thing a Ducati USB said about you was you were a next level twat.

I remember interviewing Ducati owners to ask them their opinion and the people I talked to, hated it. As one rider said to me [and I’m paraphrasing as it was a long time ago] … while the brand marketing people probably thought this was a way for fans to express their loyalty, Ducati owners thought it was a way to cheapen the value of their investment.

Or said another way, winning over a new generation who only associate with the superficial while alienating those who appreciate the craft.

Now I get the Tiffany situation is slightly different – because they were getting seriously weighed down with their age – but we’re seeing this sort of thing everywhere at the moment.

Attempts at quick wins.

Superficial not substance.

Misunderstanding the difference between being needed and looking like the one in need.

Where brands – and based on something that happened this week, also people – think having what they call ‘an asset’ means they can do whatever they want with whoever they want.

It’s a new level of brand arrogance.

The era of Trump brand [mis]management.

Which means if can only be a matter of time before we see the Tiffany x Wish collab.

Oh … and before I forget, today is Sir Dr Brian May [CBE] birthday.

For a guitarist in one of the biggest selling rock bands of all time, he’s done alright hasn’t he.

Happy birthday Mr May, you’re a legend to me and countless others.

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Flushing Money Down The Toilet. Literally.
May 26, 2023, 7:45 am
Filed under: Advertising, Attitude & Aptitude, Crap Products In History

A while ago I wrote about the worst ad I’d seen in an age.

It was for Uber Eats and it was utterly horrific.

An overloaded polystyrene box of unappetising meat.

And I LOVE meat.

But it’s been beaten [excuse the pun] by another once-hyped beast …

An emergency car urinal.


Is there a non-emergency car urinal?

And why the fuck have they made it look like a massive Smurf cock?

Seriously, it’s huge.



What’s it that big for?

Do they think people will hang it out the window so they can just pee straight into nature? Do they think people can hold the equivalent of the Pacific Ocean in their bladder? Was it designed by some tragic bastard who wanted to delude themselves they were hung like a horse?

Or should I say, my best friend’s penis?

Which, no doubt, they’ll label ‘small’ to show how much of an immature, sexist, fragile prick they really are.

Oh I know they’re trying to claim its unisex.

And the choice of ‘blue’ seems a deliberate attempt to communicate ‘health product’.

But let’s face it, Groupon makes Wish seem like Harrods … which is why the only people who’ll buy this will be pissed up farts who think it will make a funny addition to their dress outfit.

Literally pissing their money away.

Even with a 70% discount.

Which kind of sums up all the problems with programatic marketing.

Where volume trumps quality.

Efficiency is more important than effectiveness.

Even though so many of the brands who use it, talk about premium quality and effectiveness.

At least Groupon are doing what you expect them to do. Pile shit high, sell it off cheap.

Thank god it’s Friday so I can calm the fuck down. Seems I need to …

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If Tony Robbins Was A Car …

It’s been well documented how car design – thanks to a focus on efficiency and production optimisation – is becoming more and more similar.

So to increase differentiation, more and more manufacturers are adding little touches both inside and outside the car.


Wheel design.

Technology options.

But recently I saw something that took my breath away.

For all the wrong reasons.


Build Your Dreams????

What. The. Fuck!!!

I am at a loss.

Why would anyone have this on their car?

Who would choose to put this on their car?

It’s the sort of shit you expect to see from some imposter on Linkedin, not on the back of a car.

I have no idea if this was added by the manufacturer or the owner … but given they didn’t thank me when I let them in, all this car did was build my road rage.

Their used to be an old joke that went:

Q: What’s more embarrassing that being seen in the back of a sheep?

A: Being seen in the back of a Skoda.

Well, even if Skoda had not improved, that joke would be out of date because we now all know the answer would be … being seen driving a car with the words ‘BUILD YOUR DREAMS’ emblazoned on the back.


Well I did tell you on Friday that the older I get, the more I understand the film, Falling Down.



Apparently the car in question is made by Chinese [electric] car company, BYD.

I should have known.

Good cars. Terrible slogan.

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Peak Customer Service From Uber …

When COVID was in full swing, Boris Johnson was called out for his mixed messaging.

One of his great moments was when he said this ridiculousness:

“Anyone who can’t work from home should go to work. But if you can’t observe social distancing, you should stay at home. But if you are at work and you feel ill, you should stay from home. But if you’re well and can’t stay at home, go to work.”

Well, I can only assume he has gone from Number 10, Downing Street to Uber HQ because recently I received a message that could only come from the BoJo school of confusion.

Now I know Uber have a lot to be desired in terms of looking after anyone but themselves, but trying to make me an ‘Uber Member’ with the promise I may … or may not … save some money is blatant to the extreme.

They don’t even bother explaining what I’d be a member of.

So while Uber and BoJo seem made for each other, a little reminder about the rules of communication.

It is not on the receiver to translate what you’re saying, it’s up to the communicator to make it understandable. Though I also appreciate in Uber and BoJo’s case, confusion is part of their business strategy.

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Hello, End Of Days …


A relatively recent addition to the marketing lexicon.

The attempt to make an everyday product sound special.

The goal to appear you are offering individual craft and care.

The ambition to charge a premium for the smallest possible addition.

And that’s why we now have artisan burgers, cakes and now fucking peanuts … even though the reality is one has swapped a bread roll for a [bought] brioche bun, the other has put some hand-piped icing on the top of some cupcake and a packet of peanuts have had some salt and pepper chucked on top of them.

They’ll be claiming the artisan experience extends to the lorry drivers who chuck boxes of nuts in the basement of the local shop. Though they’d describe it as ‘our highly trained delivery operatives gently hand deliver our artisan nuts to establishments of repute, allaround the country, to maximise the taste experience and customer accessibility’.

This sort of shit does my head in.

What’s worse is it works. At least for some people and brands.

Not because people believe it’s really an artisan product, but because they want to believe they’re special and worth the ‘extra’.

Which says as much about the state of humanity as it does the state of marketing.

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