The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

A Glimpse Of What Might Have Been …
June 2, 2010, 6:18 am
Filed under: Comment

Dear Mum, if you come across this post, please don’t read it. I know by saying this the temptation will be great but I’m begging you, don’t. Thanks Mum. Love you. Rx

Right, let’s get on with it shall we?

Regardless of your views of Facebook, for sentimental fools like me, it’s been quite a revelation.

I wrote a while back about how it makes you feel loved and keeps you honest, however it also lets you glimpse into what ‘might have been’.

What do I mean?

Well every now and then I like to look up what my oldest and closest friends are upto and whilst I’m obviously still in touch with them, I have to admit it’s quite weird seeing their lives are full of people, activities and occasions that I don’t know anything about.

These aren’t casual school mates, I’m talking deep routed friendships … friendships that have spanned decades and covered all manner of events – good and bad – and yet here I am, feeling I’m on the fringe of their life rather than part of it.

Of course that’s to be expected given I live in Asia and in the main, they live in Nottingham – and I know that if they looked closely at my life, they’d be all manner of people they wouldn’t have the faintest idea about – but that doesn’t make it any easier or better.

Maybe it’s ego.

Maybe it’s like that ex-lover syndrome where you move on with your life but secretly hope the other person decides the best course of action is to become a Nun/Monk because they realise they’ll never meet someone as good as you … but to be honest I don’t think it’s that because I believe the reason is I’m a sentimental fool.

As most of you on here know, my best friend is Paul.

I have known this man all my life and quite frankly, I regard him as a brother.

Now I know that’s the sort of bollocks 80’s heavy metal bands used to say about their members [normally just before they split up citing ‘musical differences’] … plus there’s the fact I haven’t actually got any siblings so how would I know what having a ‘brother’ is really like … and yet that is how I truly view him.

In short, I love him.

Now the thing is, even though we live thousands of miles away … don’t speak nearly as much as we should and have completely different lives … everyone I know [which now consists of more people outside of the UK than in it] knows about him.

Not only that, they know a bunch of other things about him … like he is a printer, he lives in Nottingham, he’s tall, he’s my best friend and he’s hung like a donkey.

At first I didn’t know why I took great pride in informing everyone that my best mate has a massive cock, but a few years ago I worked out why and it was not because I had secret gay tendencies towards him [though judging by this post, it would seem he does have gay feelings for me] it’s actually much more innocent than that, it was so I could still feel he was in my life.

You see by having people know Paul existed – even if they didn’t know him directly – I felt he was still around, still in my life, still someone I could pop in and see and that made living away easier … not better …. but easier.

Maybe it’s because being an only child and living away from my ‘home’ meant I had an emotional need to feel connected to things that represented ‘home’ [let’s not forget I even have feelings for my calculator] … giving me a sense of identify and belonging … however whilst Facebook does enable me to stay in touch with people who matter much more easily [not to mention restrain conversations about my best friends cock] it has also managed to pull back the curtain on my delusion that in Paul’s case, he was sitting there waiting for me to come home so we can carry on where we left off – and whilst I always knew that was not ever going to be the case – the thought of it made me feel happier in some way, which is why I feel the term ‘social network’ doesn’t always do the concept justice … because in certain circumstances, with certain friends, I think ‘feel like you still matter’ network is a much better term, even if there are occasions where it also highlights how you’re not nearly as high up the importance list as you once were.

38 Comments so far
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So let me get this straight. You tell everyone about your best mates cock and it’s because it helps you feel you’re still connected to your home and I mention Ricky Martin once and I get told I take it up the arse?

Or I could say it another way. Yesterday you wrote about how much you love your wife and today it’s about how much you love your best friends cock. I’m very scared now.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Don’t worry Paul, it’s better than being known as the guy who talks about his friends dick.

Comment by DH

I’ve read and heard a lot of strange things from your head over the past few years but this could be one of the best/worst. Underneath the talk of Paul’s penis is an interesting post about the importance of belonging and the fragile nature of lonliness but I can’t get past Paul’s genetalia (only metaphorically speaking) to find the words to write that comment.

No wonder you put the warning on there for your Mum but it needed to be extended to include everyone today. Bizarre to say the least.

Comment by Pete

I was expecting juvenile comments and behaviour from the likes of Billy and Dave, but if even you’re finding it hard to write a sensible comment, maybe I’ve gone slightly overboard.

For the record, I am not in love with Paul and I am not obsessed with his penis [I was, but not in a lust way] … the point I was trying to make is that:

[1] Facebook has the capacity to show how loose a friend you become with certain key people over time

[2] how a sense of identity and a feeling of belonging are incredibly important for humanity

… however as I seem to be rather unique in having this manifest into conversations about my best friends knob, maybe I’m wrong – or at the very least – rather strange and misguided.

With that, I am going to shut up because whatever I say can always be countered with, “But you talk proudly about your best friends cock” which I now understand is a trump card.

Bugger. [Probably not the best choice of word there given the subject matter of this post!]

Comment by Rob

Without Paul’s penis this post would continue Rob’s recent good form but with it….

We all have a lot to thank facebook for.

Comment by Bazza

Where’s Andy? This is the blog post he’s been waiting for!

Though I do understand what you mean about watching lives play out in pictures from afar. It’s very true.

Comment by Age

I believe at this very moment he is [at least I hope he is] in the middle of nowhere on ‘house renovation’ management duty.

Do you honestly think I’d write this post if he was around to see it? You obviously don’t know me well enough Age, ha.

Comment by Rob

ha, but he’ll find it eventually… he finds all of us eventually.


Comment by Age

A great point overshadowed by a disturbing revelation.

Comment by George

Story of my life.

Comment by Rob

um. i’m completely lost.

is this about facebook’s shithouse privacy?

Comment by lauren

Jesus it’s that terrible a post is it. Or is your head pre-occupied with Paul’s penis? Eitherway, I am sort-of regretting I wrote it but not as much as Paul probably is.

Comment by Rob

I think your point about the lack of self sonsorship in this instant message era is right on the money…

Comment by Niko

Why is your spelling becoming like NP’s???

Comment by Rob


Comment by northern

Amazingly, I understand what Rob is going on about.

Comment by Marcus

That’s because we’re brothers. You poor sod.

Comment by Rob

Lovelengths aside, it takes a real man to get through the crapness of male bravado and admit you can have platonic love for another bloke. You’re both very lucky.
Incidentally, maybe it’s my age, but I don’t need Facebook to stay in touch with my best friends, I have something called a pen and paper.
What amazes me about Facebook is lots of people I used to know and was never friends with want to be friends – there was a reason we were never frienda and why we lost touch.
Where the hell is Boucher? My theory is that he has so much he wants to say about this post, he actually doesn’t know where to start.

Comment by northern

I know what you’re saying Northern about not needing Facebook to stay in touch with your real friends … but the thing is, Facebook lets me ‘fill in the gaps’ between our conversations and emails and given I have literally known him since day 1, so having a daily presence in my life – even if I am just a spectator – is something that actually makes me feel good.

As for Andy … as I said to Age, you don’t think I’d write about my best mates penis size if he was actually going to be around to see it do you?

He’s in Canada getting his ‘project manager hat on’ for the shack his lovely lady has made him buy.

Let’s all imagine him as a client for a moment. Scary isn’t it …

Comment by Rob

Please don’t tell me that Paul works for Howitt Print? My old employer!

Comment by Charles 'values' Frith

Suddenly, we’re all printers.

Comment by Marcus

Paul doesn’t work for anyone … but he turns up each day for some mob in Chesterfield where he hopes to get paid at the end of each week.

Marcus is right, maybe I should change this to Musings Of An Opinionated Printer*

* Friend of.

Comment by Rob

Pen and paper (or its digital equivalent) are all about connectivity and friendship. Facebook is inherently less personal – regardless of its content as it reeks of ease of use for the broadcaster. Friendship on the other hand is all about the recipient.

As for Boucher, I’m pretty sure his current focus is on cocktails.

Comment by John

I know what you’re saying about Facebook – I personally feel anything ‘digital’ isn’t as personal as handwritten or spoken words [but that is my issue] … but by the same token, I do believe that whilst Facebook encourages a more ‘flippant’ interaction, it also encourages a more continuous interaction which also helps cement a closer relationship because let’s be honest, many friendships are based on more casual conversations than deep and meaningfuls.

As for Andy enjoying cocktails – I can believe that – while telling a builder to hammer quicker.

Comment by Rob

Rob is a printer too? Sheet fed or web (before the web’s web that is)

Comment by Charles 'values' Frith

Hi Rob,
Just back from hols and saw this – not sure where to start! Firstly, can we be clear that I did not marry Paul for his penis size – thats the only mention I will make of this aspect of your post until I see you next week!! (Can’t wait by the way). Paul will see this later but I don’t think he will mind me butting in to say that I know that Paul loves you like a brother(I think he loves all of you rather than a specific part) and I know he is incredibly proud that you are living such an interesting life and been brave enough to move across the world to live and work instead of just talking about it as we do. I also know that he loves when you come ‘home’ to Nottingham and you get to catch up face to face and even though you do have different lives and interests its always obvious to me that you share a special friendship and I hope always will. Love Shelly XXX PS Is all this part of a mid life crisis?

Comment by Shelly

Normally I wouldn’t see this comment till tomorrow as normally I am tucked up in bed and snoozing like a fool at this time … however as I’ve just come back from drinks with people who prove that HK has been good for/to me, I can.

It’s lovely that you have come and said hello Shelly … and it’s even lovelier that you’ve written such nice words when I am sure all your senses are screaming “FREAKOID” and wanting to call the police.

You have a special man there [and not just in the trouser department] and I am very lucky to be able to call him my friend. Whether he feels the same way – especially as I have contrived to actually miss our birthday ‘party’ – is another thing altogether.

See you soon.


Comment by Rob

This is a late one for you especially since you are nearly 40!! We’re sorry you guys are missing the party too but its our fault as we had no alternative dates but no worries – we’ll have a good catch up when you are here. Give Jill our love and safe journey next week XX

Comment by Shelly

you thought you could sneak this past me campbell? you fucking twat.

ive known paul for years. what i mean is ive known his cock for years. ive known stuff you dont ever want to fucking know about another mans cock like its monstrous, intimidating and fucking awesome.

i actually had a man tell me his friends dick was awesome, you dont forget comments like that in a fucking hurry but i tried to for the sake of my friendship and my business and i pretended i had managed it till campbell goes and writes a huge fucking post for all to see about his mates dick and claims its not manlove but a sign of missing his mates.

ive got mates. ive got mates ive not seen for fucking years but ive never once thought of their cocks, talked about their cocks or celebrated their cocks which means campbells weak as piss justification is a weak as piss justification.

no fucker asked how campbell knows pauls love sword so well, i guess because no fucker wants to talk about another mans cock but i did once and he gave me a long fucking list of “accidental” incidents where he saw it and not once did it involve it being anywhere near his mouth which means hes either lying or he is one of the most fucked up twisted twats ive ever known and because his wife could turn his fucking beloved freddie mercury straight, i realised he was a twisted twat years ago.

shelly might be a lucky lady to go to sleep with horse man every fucking night but poor jill is not. and thats not because campbell is hung like a shetland pony, i dont know, care or want to think about his cock, its because campbell is deranged.

thank fuck we did the deal before this post came out or id be living on fucking pauper street.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’ve been waiting for this and you didn’t disappoint. The king is back.

Comment by Billy Whizz

I got woken up this morning with an SMS from Doddsy saying “Andy’s comment might be almost as good as he thinks it is”.

After reading it, I approached the computer with some trepidation and logged on … and even though it features a wonderfully colourful character assassination, I have to say I think John was right because it’s evil genius at the highest level. I don’t know if ‘the King is back’, but the court jester certainly is.

Comment by Rob

THANK YOU ROB, job offers are flooding in as a result of this post – and I’ll soon be leaving Nottingham for a new life in Amsterdam!!
Seriously mate, after 39 years and 352 days you should know that Facebook is only a casual fling and you are the real thing – Look forward to seeing you next week when I can join you in your mid life crisis. Luv Paul XX

Comment by Paul

Passport for pornland?

You know what I mean by that don’t you Paul!

Can’t wait to see you and wallow in self-pity.

Comment by Rob

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