The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Pride Can Come Before A Fall, But It Can Also Make You Stick Things Out To Let The Impossible Happen So A Prick Doesn’t Win…

I have written before that apart from my friend Paul, I owe almost everything in my life to the fact I left the UK and went on an adventure.

Without that, I would not have met my wife … would not have had my son … would not have had my pets … would not be working with rock stars … would not have had all the life experiences and adventures I’ve been fortunate to enjoy and almost certainly would not have the career I currently enjoy.

That’s pretty huge when you think about it and while there’s a whole list of people I need to thank for making it all possible, one of them is an old boss.

Who was a prick.

I had a rather complex relationship with this individual.

Because while they were pompous, petty, condescending and rude, they were also smart, knowledgable and experienced.

On top of that, they gave me a shot on a couple of projects that they probably shouldn’t have. I should point out that wasn’t because they necessarily believed in me – it was more there was no one else to do it – but I appreciated it all the same.

Anyway, when I decided to leave – to go explore opportunities in another country – they were pretty pissed off with me.

While I’d love to say it was because they didn’t want me to go, the reality was they were frustrated I was leaving after they’d agreed to give me a payrise.

That this ‘rise’ was still below market rate and they’d fucked me around for literally 2 years, seemed to have completely slipped their mind … which is maybe why on the day I left, they thought it would be ‘funny’ to write the following comment in my leaving card.

“You’ll be back. Come crawling”.

I remember watching him going around telling people what he had written, laughing hilariously at his own ‘joke’ and while I didn’t take it too much to heart – because everyone knew he was a bit of a prick – it still hurt.

Little did I know then, how those 5 little words would play such an pivotal role in how my career would turn out.

You see, when I ended up in this other country, I initially found it very difficult.

Not just because I didn’t have friends, contacts or a job … but because my Dad was very ill back in the UK.

In all honesty, the temptation to go back was huge but there were 2 reasons I stuck it out.

1. I wanted to show my gratitude to my parents for supporting and encouraging me to go, despite them going through a terribly tough time because of my Dad’s major stroke.
2. Those 5 little words.

While I’d like to think the former was the biggest motivator, I fear it may have been the latter.

That’s pretty pathetic isn’t it … especially as I could have gone back without having to go back to that old job.

But I wasn’t going to let him have the satisfaction directly or indirectly.

And so I persevered.

Pushed, prodded, walked the streets, did shitty, temporary roles … anything that kept me from gaving to go back with my tail betweeen my legs.

And it everntually worked out.

Not because of any talent I did or did not have, but because of my perseverence.

And willingness to take any bullshit salary … hahaha.

But for me, getting a break was my main objective … because while I knew I was not the smartest strategst, I knew my work ethic meant I could out-work most.

Now don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that is a toxic trait – but it is my trait – and back then, it was a way for me to prove my worth to agencies/clients who didn’t have to give me a chance or keep me on board.

Of course, over the years, my motivation for continuing to explore the possibilities of the World and my career have evolved.

These days it is far more about wanting to feel I’d be making my parents proud than it is me reacting to 5 little words from a toxic, little manager.

But I also have to acknowledge that without that persons toxic motivation, it is unlikely I would be in the situtation I currently enjoy.

So thank you AC … you were a strange little man, but for all the fucked up shit you did – and there was plenty – you did one thing right, even if it was wrong.

And while I doubt you even remember me – let alone care what I’ve done – it doesn’t matter.

Because I didn’t come back and didn’t come crawling and so for that, I won, so there.

It’s Easter long-weekend that then leads into a big week for me/Colenso – from us hosting Fergus and his OnStrategy podcast to me saying goodbye [for the second time] to someone who is very special to me … so have a great weekend, overeat Chocolate and Hot Cross Buns and I’ll see you Tuesday.

Till then, this is for you AC.

With thanks.

Comments Off on Pride Can Come Before A Fall, But It Can Also Make You Stick Things Out To Let The Impossible Happen So A Prick Doesn’t Win…


When Is A Song About Low Self-Esteem And Loneliness One Of The Most Beautiful Love Songs Ever Performed?

As you know, I love music.

I play it.
I make it.
I listen to it.
I used to make my living from it.
I work with people who play to millions while they do it.

Music is, in many ways, a version of oxygen to me.

However, while I like all manner of music … from heavy metal to opera … there are some bands I don’t really connect to. One of those is Radiohead.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate their talent and there are music/songs they’ve written that I feel are genuinely masterful. But do I think they are worth the reputation that so many people hold them to?

Hmmmmmn, probably not … which I appreciate is entirely subjective rather than anything approaching a considered point-of-view.

And yet, I recently saw someone perform one of their songs – the admittedly iconic, ‘Creep’ – that has had such an impact on me, that I literally burst into tears at a specific point of the song, every time I listen to it.

And I’ve listened to it a lot.

I should point out that while I have always liked that track, it’s less to do with the song and more to do with who performs it and how they perform it.

It’s this [with my tears starting at exactly 2 minutes 8 seconds ]

Oh my god, I’ve just listened to it again as I am writing this and the tears are streaming down my face.

Now I should point out I have form at crying to music.

My Mum used to tell me that when I was very young – like 6 months old – I would cry at classic music that she’d put on the record player. Not because I didn’t like it, but because I was overwhelmed by the emotion of it.

And here I am, aged 54, still doing it.

There are many reasons for it.

First it’s just fucking beautiful. Proper, proper beautiful.

It’s both so simple and yet so layered …

But it’s also how two totally different musical styles bend and blend into some sort of harmonious rapture.

Where different orchestrations seem to be going on their own paths and yet, at some point, come together.

Not mechanically, but with almost a slow motion to them … making the impact of it even more majestic.

But, if I am being honest, as amazing as that is, what really hits me is this is Son and Mum.

It makes me emotional just thinking about it.

Not just because it makes me miss my Mum so much, but because both of them have come together to create something special for each other. And I do think it started that way.

The son believing his Mother’s voice was incredible. The mum wanting to support her son’s musical talent.

A genuine interest in what each other is interested in.

No judgement.
No criticism.
Just interest and openness while being able to stay utterly true to who they each are.

And by doing this, they’ve taken their separate world’s and created something together. Something special. Something that elevates their relationship because it has opened the door to new ways to share and express their love that maybe they previously never imagined.

But it’s even more than that.

Because running all the way through those 3 minutes, 25 seconds is a celebration of love.

Not just because they’re bonded by blood, but because you feel the deep sense of pride, respect and adoration of who each other is and what each other does.

It’s similar to when Pink Floyd guitarist, Dave Gilmour, turned up unannounced to a pub in Brighton to support – and sing – with his daughter Romany and yet it is also very different.

Because where Dave and Romany sang a song that was a relatively faithful rendition of the original [not to mention something you imagine they’d done together in private for years – which is said with love, not judgement] the version of ‘Creep’ is something else.

A mash-up of totally different musical styles.

A creation of something not heard before.

Something that not only takes the song to a completely new place, but demands all who listen to it open their eyes and ears to a musical style that they may of never heard before or most probably never considered would be something they’d like.

But how can you not like this.

How can you not be moved by it.

Because while the song is about low self esteem, loneliness, and the struggle to accept yourself, it inspires, radiates and ignites pure love.

The sort of love surely everyone hopes they will one day get to experience, create, share or remember.

And that is what my tears are for. And that is why I’m so grateful for them.

Remember to tell the people who matter to you, what they mean to you.

Have a good weekend.

Comments Off on When Is A Song About Low Self-Esteem And Loneliness One Of The Most Beautiful Love Songs Ever Performed?


Goodbye To You And To 2024 …

So this is it, the last post of the year.

Can’t believe it.

Looking back on 2024, I have to admit that generally it’s been a really good year for me.

+ The family are happy and healthy.
+ I’m happy and unnervingly healthy.
+ Work has been good and rewarding.
+ My team have been [generally] bloody wonderful, haha.
+ I got to travel a bunch to work with talented people on awesome projects.
+ I experienced stuff I’ve never had the chance to do before, which at my age is epic.
+ I was part of some creativity that’s right up there with some of the best stuff I’ve ever done.
+ This blog – albeit by its ‘questionable standards’ – had some pretty decent posts. Kinda.
+ I got a bunch of new tattoos and a new car – albeit one that was crashed into within a week.
+ Forest stayed in the Premiership and – so far – are doing better than the last 2 seasons.
+ And last but by no means least, the Tories got kicked out of government in the UK.

So, with that list of achievements and experiences, I can say this year, by all accounts, has been a pretty epic year for me.

Now I completely appreciate my privilege in being able to say this when so many are having such a hard time, but I can’t deny it happened … and while I’m obviously grateful for it, I also know it is as much down to luck than any so-called ability I may or may not have.

That said – and in no way am I trying to suggest this ‘balances things out’ – there’s been a few things that have been very challenging for me and my family to deal with this year. Not just in terms of the shit the World is going through right now … but things much closer to home.

The loss of our dear Rosie after 17 amazing years, the break-up of my best friend’s marriage after almost 20 and the horrible, premature death of a dear client placed a huge toll on us/me emotionally and professionally.

And while we know ‘life goes on’, that doesn’t mean they don’t leave scars … scars that I/we are still experiencing and dealing with today.

Each of these tragic events had a very destabilizing effect on me/us … amplified by the fact that in the case of Rosie and Paul/Shelly especially, they were long-term ‘stability pillars’ for us and now they are irrevocably fractured.

I should explain what I mean by ‘stability pillars’ …

Put simply, they were entities we could rely on – or lean on – through good times and bad.

An emotional life-raft, as it were … and given we have chosen to live so far away from so many of the people and places we feel most connected to, it meant we probably had an over-reliance on their involvement in our life.

An over-reliance that we may have taken too much for granted. Thinking it will never change or go away. Naïve maybe.

Now don’t get me wrong, we have friends in NZ and enjoy living here, but it’s different … partly because we’re not from here, partly because we’re still relatively new here and partly because we know we won’t be here forever.

Of course, I get that’s ultimately our choice and decision, but the point is for all the positive things that have happened to us and for us this year – and there’s more than we could have hoped for or maybe even deserve, at least in my case – the impact of those 3 important relationships, have left an indelible mark on the year for us.

Which leads to why this holiday season is so important for me … for us … and most likely for the people involved and affected by the events that have happened.

I cannot tell you how much I’m looking forward to it. Not just because it’s a break, but because it’s a chance to unite, gather, refresh, restore and replenish.

I absolutely get others deserve – and most likely need – it more, but it still is very important and valuable to us too.

Fortunately, not only will we be getting it, but by living in NZ – which, as I wrote here, is the best place in the World to have it – it means we will have the space to truly embrace it and I’ve never been so grateful for it.

Talking of grateful …

This year was only possible because of the people around me.

From my family and friends, through to my colleagues and [some] of my clients, haha.

But it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the people who read my rubbish on here.

And while I no longer allow comments, I know there’s still a bunch of people out there who do thanks to the data, the emails or the sarcastic texts. [Hello Andy!]

I’ve been writing this for almost 2 decades and in many ways, it has forged the glue of connection that has made our constant moving around the World a bit easier.

A way to never feel too alone. Too isolated. Too new.

That may sound dramatic, but it’s true.

Which is why I want to offer my thanks to each and every one of you for all you have done for me – even if it’s just occasionally read what I write.

I’m grateful for your interest and commentary and hope the holidays will be as good to you, as I hope 2025 is good for all of us.

Just with mine being a little bit better than yours … hey, I’m an only-child, so what do you expect? Haha.

In all honesty, I have some specific plans/hopes for next year. Plans/hopes that could give me a different perspective and experience in my – and my families – life. Whether that happens is anyone’s guess, but I’m quite excited to see if I can pull it off. See what we may discover and experience if it happens, both individually and as a family.

But before that can even happen, it’s time to rest …

So with that, I say ta-ra.

See you on the other side.

For year 19, starting Jan 13, 2025.

Happy holidays everyone. Wherever you are. Whatever you celebrate.

Comments Off on Goodbye To You And To 2024 …


The Internet Is An Elephant …

You know those time capsule things that were all the rage for a while?

Where people bury artefacts from their life with the sole intention that it is dug up 20+ years later for people to marvel at. Or be confused by.

I always liked the idea of it but never got around doing it … mainly because I imagine the outtake is massively underwhelming unless you’re directly attached to it.

Well, I’ve been proved right … but in a way I love and am amazed at.

As many of you know, I was in a band called Bangkok Shakes.

Thee were 2 iterations of the band – with different singers and bass players – with the 2nd version almost becoming something of some note.

Till it didn’t.

Anyway, while I had a huge amount of fun – touring and recording – the fact it all ended when I was 23 or 24 means I only think about it when I occasionally pick up a guitar and play a few of the songs we wrote.

Enter my mate Sam.

I love Sam.

He’s a brilliantly annoying person … and I say that with utter love.

He also buys more ridiculous shit than me, and that’s saying something.

And yet despite his natural tendency for mischief and mayhem, he’s a wonderful, kind and caring human. Or he is until he gets something in his head, and then no one is safe.

Oh the stories I could tell …

In fact, I bet the people at Virgin Broadband are still counting the cost of trying to mess with him because he’s like a crime-fighting cockroach who won’t give up. Or die.

But his behaviour is not always acts of commercial terrorism, as I was soon to discover.

You see one day, he woke up and – for reasons only he will know – I was in his head.

Or specifically, Bangkok Shakes was.

So he decided to go on one of his legendary explorations resulting in me receiving a Whatsapp from him that said, “this is you, isn’t it?” with a link attached.

Ignoring all safety protocol, I found myself on Youtube, staring at this.

This shocked me for 4 very specific reasons.

+ The song it relates to was one I wrote in 1991.
+ It’s a song I didn’t know was anywhere near the internet.
+ It was a very early demo of a song we did, not the final recording.
+ The handwriting on the tape IS MY HANDWRITING. MINE! WTF?!

But wait … there’s more.

You see, I was so shocked that I put a screenshot of the Youtube page on insta regailing the whole story.

Enter Gareth Kay.

Now I love Gareth too.

He’s very different to Sam [thank god, ha] but as wonderful.

Gareth is a music obsessive so imagine my surprise when a day later – after seeing my instagram – he sent me an email with another link in it.

And yes, I pressed it without any consideration of network safety.

Except rather than take me to Youtube, it took me another site altogether … a fan site … a fan site featuring not just the stuff Sam found, but the ENTIRE GROUP OF SONGS FROM THE SESSION WE DID IN 1993.

Not only that, it also showed the inner sleeve of the cassette the demos were in … where I’d carefully written out all the song names and info of the recording. Including the ‘then’ phone number of our drummer, Jason!

Now I was properly flabbergasted.

How?
Why?
Where?

Of course I downloaded the tracks and while they sounded a bit pants – made worse by the recording coming from a tape that was obviously old and a bit screwed up – it was an utterly joyful experience.

A chance to revisit my past.
To be taken back to another time.
Where life was only about excitement, hope and energy.

And while I know we made a better version of this demo – and made a shit load of better songs after it – it was something very special for me. A reconnection to something that was incredibly important to me. Something I hoped would be the foundation of my entire life.

But how did this tape end up on this blokes website?

Well, it gets weirder … because this bloke is based in Perth, Australia.

He loves 80/90s rock and trades tapes from that era to build up his collection … which means that a tape that I helped create and wrote out in Nottingham, THIRTY ONE YEARS AGO in Nottingham, England, somehow ended up in the possession of a person literally on the other side of the planet who decided he liked it so much, he added it to the internet.

And I couldn’t thank him enough.

Not just for the memory and the connection to my home and history bu because I remember everything about that recording …

After spending a month in hospital because my retina in my eye continually collapsed, this was the first thing I did ‘back in the real world’.

It was a Sunday and I remember our singer – Joe – bitching about having to carry my amps into the studio as I was not allowed to lift anything heavy for a few months to ensure there was no strain on my eye whatsoever.

It was a quick session, designed to try out a few songs and be used to play to a few promotors we knew – but never for wider public listening – so if someone told me then that 3 decades later, I’d be listening to it on the internet from New Zealand, I’d have said you’re mad. And not just because no one would know what the internet was back then.

It was pretty emotional to hear it … and to play it to my family … because it represents a time where pretty much everything from that era has either gone or been left behind.

+ My parents were alive when we recorded that.
+ Dad hadn’t even had his stroke at that point.
+ So Mum was still working.
+ I lived in my family home.
+ I had no idea I was going to leave Nottingham.
+ I was working, but we were being courted by record companies so I thought things were about to change.
+ My wife – who was in Australia, a place I’d never been to at that point – would have been 17.
So Otis was -21, hahaha.

It was a chapter of my life that was wonderful, but I thought fully closed.

And while that door has not been smashed open, listening to those songs on that wonky tape cracked it open a little.

Which is why I laughed when Sam then came back again with another link … this time taking me to a page of old gig dates, where on Saturday 17th of some month and year, we played at the then iconic Narrowboat [RIP], scene of some of the best nights of my life.

We often look back at life with rose-tinted glasses.

Reimagining our history to be something more than it was.

But on this occasion, it was better than I remembered.

Not because of the music or my overly fancy handwriting … but because it allowed relatively new friends to walk around my old life … to let them inadvertendly know a bit more about the person they’d only casually heard about in convesation … to give me the gift of shining sunlight upon a time of my life I’d almost forgotten … a time of my life that was deeply important and special to me … one I never thought I’d be able to expeience again, let alone be able to finally share with the family I love.

And it’s because of that I want to say a huge thank you to Sam and Gareth, they may never know what they have done for me.

Just like that guy in Perth who somehow got a tape I wrote out in my bedroom in the early 90’s in West Bridgford, Nottingham.

They say elephants never forget, but neither does the internet.

And while that might be scary for some, it’s made me realise that maybe the time capsule is an even better idea than the worldwide web.

Comments Off on The Internet Is An Elephant …


The Only Way To Say Goodbye …

This week has been a week of pretty heavy posts.

But given the standard I normally write at, this has – if I may say so myself – been pretty good. And hopefully today will top that off, albeit in a pretty emotional and confronting way.

Let’s see …

When I was young, I remember thinking that I never wanted to be with my parents when they died. My belief was the pain of watching them go would be too much for me to deal with. That seeing their final moments would leave an indelible scar on me for the rest of my life.

Thank fuck I came to my senses …

Because while their deaths were – and continue to be – the worst days of my life, I’d have been haunted if I’d not been by their side.

It could have happened.

It could have happened easily given I was living in different countries when they passed.

Australia for Dad. China for Mum.

But for reasons I’ll be eternally grateful for, I was there. With them. Able to tell them how much I loved them, was grateful for them and would do my best to honour them.

Because even though I was drowning in a sea of overwhelming grief as I witnessed them take their final breaths, it was the moment I understood – with absolute certainty and clarity – why I had to be there.

For them. And for me.

A few years before Mum died, her sister-in-law passed away. It was unexpected and she died at home on her own. To be discovered the following day.

Mum was understandably very upset about this. Not just for the loss of a woman she liked very much, but that her final moments had been on her own. That she must have been so scared. So desperate to be surrounded with the people she loved.

One day, while visiting from Shanghai, Mum confessed how she feared this would happen to her. That she’d be alone. I’d never heard her say something like this before and it genuinely haunted me. Not just in that moment, but till the end.

My Mum was an amazing woman. She had endured a huge amount of hardship through her life and all I wanted to do was look after her. But she was also fiercely independent, so it was always hard to get her to accept anything from me. In her mind, I had to focus on my life – not hers – which is why revealing her fear was so heartbreaking.

You see, not only was she acknowledging her own mortality – which was devastating to hear, let alone for her to say – she was admitting there was something I could do for her, even though we both knew it was something that was almost impossible to ensure.

What made this even more emotionally charged is that we both knew that this admission had ‘slipped out’.

Mum spent her life trying to protect me from pain and inconvenience at all costs – from her gentle words to try and coax me out of my delusion that Dad would miraculously get better after his devastating strokes through to me finding notes she’d written prior to death to make sure it was easier for me to handle her affairs – so the pain of hearing her fear was no doubt matched by the pain she felt for causing me sorrow.

She was that sort of person. A wonderful, compassionate and considerate human. A woman who would genuinely give someone her last £1 than keep it herself. Which I admit, annoyed the fuck out of me sometimes. Ha.

And that’s why I’m so grateful I was with her when the worst happened. As I was with Dad. And if you look back to March/April 2015 on this blog, you will read the anguish and pain I went through. But among all the desperation and loss, you’ll also see clues why I was so happy to be there on one of the worst days of my life.

Because while the idea of not having to see your loved one’s die, makes some sort of sense – the reality is quite different.

In fact, I’d go even further.

As bone crushingly devastating saying goodbye to a loved one is, it’s not as agonising as you would feel for not being there.

You see at that point, it’s not about you – but them.

However you feel has to place second-fiddle to their needs and situation.

For them, knowing they’re not alone at their final moments gives them peace. A way to leave with love rather than just fear. It doesn’t matter if they’re conscious not, they know and I can say this with absolute certainty.

As I said at Dad’s funeral, when we arrived to be by his side after an urgent call from the hospital, we found his body in the throes of turning off all the lights. Imagine someone walking around their old house and checking that all the windows were closed, all the lights were off and all the doors were locked. Making sure everything was done before they left for good. That was Dad and his body had almost finished its final check bar one little candle flickering in the night. But the thing was, he wasn’t going to blow that out till we were there … till we could tell him he could go … that we loved him … that we were grateful for all he had done for us … that we knew he loved us.

And when we did that, we watched him metaphorically blow out that final light out without fuss. A dignified, quiet passing, leaving us distraught with the loss but happy we were together.

Which is why I am so glad I came to my senses about not wanting to be there when my parents died. Because if I did that, not only would I have left my parents to experience fear instead of comfort and loneliness instead of love, I would have spent a lifetime trying to come to terms with what I’d done. How in my selfishness, I’d left people I loved – and love – at their most desperate and alone, at a time where they arguably needed me most in their life.

Of course, for some, they don’t have the option to be there.

Sometimes it’s because of circumstance, sometimes because of situation. And to them, I hope they are able to find some sort of peace because I can’t imagine the pain and burden that must inflict on them.

Now I say all this for 2 reasons.

One. Because tomorrow is the 9th anniversary of my wonderful Mum dying.

Two. I recently read an article that brought all this back to me … but through a perspective I’d never considered – the final days of a pet.

As you know, I bloody love my cat Rosie.

She’s basically my first real pet … and while we originally got her to keep Jill happy, she has become a true member of the family.

I’ve turned down jobs because of her.
I’ve started companies to bring in her favourite food for her.
I’ve taken big freelance jobs to aid her movement to new countries for her.

She is very, very special to me.

She is also, very, very old … and while she is generally fit and well … for the last few years I’ve wondered if this is the year we have to say goodbye.

It will happen eventually. I mean she turns 17 this year. SEVENTEEN. And my worst thought is having to one day take her to the vet to put her down.

And despite the lessons I’ve learned from my parents passing, my initial thought was if we had to do that for Rosie, I’d not be able to be there. It would be too hard.

And then I read this.

[Whether a pet owner or not, please read it]

Of course it should have been obvious.

Of course it should never be even a consideration.

But while we treat pets like members of the family, at the worst moment – many of us disassociate ourselves to try and protect ourselves.

Forgetting that at that moment, it isn’t about us – but them.

Yes we will be devastated.
Yes it will be horrific and hard.
But how do we think it is for them?

To face your final moments and not see the person who has been there loving them and looking out for them must be terrifying and confusing. Alone in an unfamiliar room with unfamiliar people.

As the article states:

“You have been the centre of their world for THEIR ENTIRE LIVES!!!!”

“90 per cent of owners don’t actually want to be in the room when he injects them so the animal’s last moments are usually them frantically looking around for their owners”.

Frantically looking for their owners.

Take that in.

I don’t imagine its that different for people in their final moments.

They need us. They need us to feel they still have us. That their final moments are with love and not abandonment.

I know it’s hard. I know it’s horrific. But I also know it’s not about us – not really.

So I write this to say that should you be of the opinion you don’t want to be there … that the pain would be too much. Know I sympathise, but also know it won’t nearly be as painful or deep as the knowledge that you weren’t.

Give the people. pets and places you love a hug, call or kiss this weekend.

See you Monday. I hope, ha.

Comments Off on The Only Way To Say Goodbye …