Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, Apathy, Attitude & Aptitude, Audi, Brand Suicide, Communication Strategy, Corporate Evil, Crap Products In History, Creativity, Cunning, Customer Service, Delusion, Devious Strategy, Management, Marketing, Marketing Fail, Membership
Day 3 of this blog in 2025 and it’s like I’m as pissy as 2006.
You see one of the things I find hilarious is when companies talk about ‘customer service’. The reason I laugh is the ones who talk about it the most, tend to be the ones who care the least.
Oh they don’t say that of course, it’s just they seem to be of the belief that if they say a lot about it, it doesn’t require them to actually do anything with it.
Kind of like the experts on Linkedin, hahaha.
Anyway, recently I came across a phenomenal example of this behaviour.
Phenomenal in so much as the hypocrisy of their actions suggest they’re either utterly stupid, or literally don’t give a shit.
Let me give you a bit of background.
A week after I bought my new car, some fucker did this to it.
Claimed his brakes had failed, despite the fact you can see he was looking at his phone.
He then added to the bullshit by giving me a false address and number – but sadly for him, I had a dash-cam, that not only showed his rego, but proved he was in the wrong.
Anyway, that all has been sorted out … however before the insurance company took it to the garage to be repaired, I wanted to ensure I was on top of all the damage he’d caused so I bought a device that ‘diagnoses’ how the car is performing.
Basically you plug it in and it reads the data of the car to identify how it operates.
Normally I wouldn’t bother with such things, but given the car was only a week old, I wanted to ensure everyone knew what had to be fixed.
So I went on website of this company, chose the device specifically for my car, paid for it – and the subscription – and waited. A week or so later it arrived and I plugged it into my car only to be told it was the wrong one and that I needed a newer version with a subscription to access the information.
Given I had literally ordered – and paid for – the latest model from their website, this was somewhat of a suprise, so I wrote to the company to ask for help in sorting it out.
This was the ‘reply’ I received …
What the absolute fuck?
I mean … how many things can one company get in one email response?
Or should I say, how many contradictory answers can one company write in one email response.
First of all they say the ‘ticket is closed’, despite not actually responding to my question.
Then they say they ‘regret’ I can’t send them a reply to their email … despite the fact the top line of their email states ‘please type your reply above the line’.
Then, to rub things in – or confuse me further – they say they’re happy to assist me anytime, despite the fact they’ve literally not assisted me and worse, have blatantly gaslit me.
I am almost impressed at how much they obviously don’t give a shit.
They’re almost Trump-esque in their deliberate avoidance and ignorance.
It’s laughable given this company is supposedly the creator of a product that tells you things no one else will say. What a shame they don’t practice what they preach. But then, so many companies think ‘truth’ is optional.
So to the people at Carly …
Your product sucks.
Your service sucks.
Your system sucks.
And you suck.
Because as bad my car was hit, the damage is nowhere near as bad as the damage you’ve done to one of your paying customers. A paying customer who will not only never give you a penny ever again, but who has – like the petty little shit I am – found a way to teach Carly’s CEO, Mr Avid Avini, a lesson he will hopefully never forget.
Or should I say, a lesson he may never be able to stop.
Hey, he started it.
Cue: Evil Laugh.
Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, Advertising, Attitude & Aptitude, Audi, Authenticity, Brand, Communication Strategy, Corporate Evil, Culture, Honesty, Luxury, Management, Mediocrity, Metallica, Packaging, Premium, Resonance, Respect, Standards, Status, Strategy
A lot of luxury brands, invite a lot of mocking.
It might be what they make.
It might be the prices they charge.
It might be the way they look at the world.
But whatever your opinion, at least they commit.
Walk into a proper high-end luxury brand and you see high-end standards and experience.
Everywhere.
[The Netflix series ‘7 Day’s’ perfectly demonstrates this, as I wrote about here]
Innovation. Craft. Details. Service. Packaging. Training.
You might not like it.
You might not value it.
But you can’t say they’re not committed to it.
Now compare that to companies that like to position themselves as ‘premium’.
Sure, some live up to it … but my god, most don’t.
The only premium-ness is often only in their pricing and ego.
Big talking to the public, short-changing everywhere else around them.
Now I get you have to look after the pennies in business, but when you claim to be premium – it should mean you recognize the value of premium standards and service in those around you and with you. And if you don’t – or you don’t think the people you are dealing with offer that – then why the fuck are you dealing with them?
I’ve written about this before, but once-upon-a-time I was asked to work on a freelance project for a high-end German brand.
I submitted my estimate to which I was met with the following reply:
“Your fee is higher than other partners we use, please lower it”.
That was it. Not even an indication of the costs they were comparing me too.
Now while I value what I do, the costs weren’t excessive.
Infact they were a fraction of the cost of one of their lowest priced products.
But more than that, I’d agreed my fees with the CMO before I submitted them to procurement, so I thought., ‘fuck this’ and wrote the following response.
“Your products are higher priced than other brands I could choose, please lower it”.
I know … it was cheeky, but I just thought they were incredibly arrogant in their attitude, especially in the way they wanted to undermine my experience.
And guess what, almost immediately they replied with,
“We accept your rate and look forward to working with you” … which is the exact moment I saw through the hype.
Brands who value quality don’t benchmark costs against the lowest market rates.
I get it’s a negotiation tactic, but it also reveals their hypocrisy and insecurity.
It’s why my experience with Metallica was so shocking … despite the fact what they do and value all makes total sense but the way most business operates means it felt so bizarre.
Actually, Metallica are a great example of a brand that values who they are.
Everything they do is focused on respecting the quality of what they do.
For example, to make sure their vinyl is always of the highest quality – they bought the best vinyl printing press company in the world.
Same with their live shows …
To ensure their sound is of the highest quality, they had the highest-quality live speaker system in the world built.
Rather than approach investments in terms of ‘what can we get away with’, their attitude is to put highest quality first … which is why they buy stuff rather than lease it because not only does it ensure their creativity is given the highest possible quality [rather than the best they can get away with] it ensures they always have priority access to it. And when they don’t need to use it, they get people like me to work out how to make it pay for itself, which often ends up leasing it to other bands who don’t have the same needs/standards or values as them.
Metallica understand standards better than most brands.
But then they understand who they are better than most brands.
Which is why everything they do is focus up to the quality not down to the price.
That’s a proper premium brand … one who makes decisions that reflects who they are not who they are pretending to be.
Christ, I recently saw a rep from a coffee brand get into their gold Audi.
It stood out to me because it was a errrrrm, gold Audi.
And while some may look at it and say,
“If they drove a Prius, maybe their coffee prices were lower”
… not only are they unlikely to be people who buy their coffee, they are also unlikely to care about the difference of coffee.
That’s not a diss … I like Nescafe with Coffee Mate … but it also doesn’t mean that my taste is reflective of everyone else’s either.
Whether true or not, my impression of a brand giving their rep this choice of car was they had a different perspective on standards. Rather than give their reps the lowest priced car they could get away with, they found the most efficient car of the standards they live and operate in.
Of course many may slate or disagree with me for this view …
I also appreciate some may find their choice a reflection of their pretentiousness, which they find fucking annoying.
And in some way I agree with them.
However I feel a lot better about pretentious assholes when that’s who they actually are rather than those who do it to look like they’re premium when everything else highlights they’re anything but.
Commitment costs.
You might not want to pay it … you might not understand the reasoning for it … but at least you’re dealing with people who believe it rather than those who are exploiting you for it.
I know I said yesterday that my post has probably ruined your week from the start of the week.
Well, just in case it didn’t, this one certainly will.
You know that saying men with big cars are making up for something they’re lacking in the trouser department?
Well, what does it mean when you drive a small car but choose to have this as your registration number???
What the hell???
I must admit, I am utterly confused.
I would just love to know WHY they chose that.
And while I’m at it, I’d also like to say an Audi Q5 is NOT a big car.
Ahem.
Filed under: Audi, Birkenhead, Cars, Comment, Communication Strategy, New Zealand
There’s been a bunch of relatively heavy posts on here this week – at least by my standards – so I’m going to round things off on a more light-hearted note.
Of course, given no one reads this blog anymore, no one will even notice let alone care … however, as [1] we get our puppy, Bonnie, this weekend and [2] I immediately head overseas for all of the following week for work – I feel a more humorous post may help offset the dark cloud that will hang over my home when my wife realizes she has to look after the dog all by herself while her husband is out having nice dinners, even though I will be working very, very hard. Honest.
Anyway, this also explains why there will be no blog posts next week because I’ll be spending whatever free time I do have apologizing to my family or something.
So back to the post …
A long time ago, I was asked in an interview with an ad mag, ‘what would your personalized say?’ My response was something along the lines of, “if I had a personalized number plate, it would say I was a dick”.
I still stand by that, but I have to say I’ve seen a few in NZ that has made me almost consider changing my view.
Not because they’re smart.
Not because they’re cool.
But because they’re blatantly assholey.
Back in 2023, there was the Slayer plate … on a Suzuki Swift … which was an act of either pure fandom, or total delusion.
Then, just down the road from where I live, there’s this …
TOPGUN!!!
Let’s be honest, if it was on a supercar it would still be tragic, but on an Audi, it’s criminal.
I’ve never actually seen the owner drive it, but I hope to God they wear Aviator sunglasses when they do.
But maybe there’s something about Audi drivers – not to mention people who live in Birkenhead, where I live – because I recently also saw this …
While I give them extra marks for writing D3VL in red – is there anything actually devilish about an Audi beyond the standard of driving that their owners typically demonstrate on the roads?
But all those are – let’s face it – still pretty tame, which is why I saved the best for last.
A car whose owner doesn’t give a fuck.
About anyone.
Who proudly announces to anyone in front or behind them, they are being judged.
Negatively.
Who could probably start a road rage incident in an empty car park.
No doubt an empty car park located in Birkenhead because – you guessed it – that’s where I also saw this.
Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls. Let me introduce you to the winner of the best assholey personalized number plate of the year …
Offensive.
Aggressive.
Judgmental.
Memorable.
It’s absolutely brilliant … made better that:
It’s a fair assessment of 99% of Auckland drivers.
it’s on an old Toyota Corolla, making it the equivalent of the grumpiest of old men … on 4 wheels.
I love it.
It made me laugh out loud.
And while I’m sure that would deeply upset the owner of the car, for me it’s the perfect personalized plate.
Because what’s the point of having a plate that says who you are, when you have the opportunity to say what you think of everyone around you.
See you in a week.
Unless my family has killed me or our dog has chewed through our internet router.