Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, Advertising, Airports, Apathy, Attitude & Aptitude, British, Business, Cars, Corporate Evil, Crap Products In History, London, Luxury
Recently, while walking through Heathrow Airport, I saw this:
Put aside the fact these airport shuttles seem to be for either the elderly, the late or the self-important … why the fuck do they need to have one that looks like the bastard lovechild of Liberace and Elton John’s cars from the 1970’s?
Is it a special edition thing?
Is it an business class, collab thing?
Is it a alarming lack of taste thing?
Or is it a tourist thing?
I could kinda understand if it was for tourists as I can imagine it would be very appealing for Americans of a certain age.
But even then, it’s still pants – exemplified by the fact it has a number plate that represents the name of the company who made/drives it.
And that’s before I point out the British Car Industry – that this thing is probably trying to leverage – is, at best, on its knees or, at worst, owned by everyone other than the Brits.
For fucks sake, is there no end to what we will make ‘status’?
What next … lifts?
I’d rather have a lifetime flying Ryan Air than one trip in that pile of gold shite.
Hell – to paraphrase a very old joke – I’d rather be seen coming out the back of a sheep than the back of that, which not only captures just how ridiculous I find an ‘upper class’ milk float at an international airport but also how too many companies confuse charging a ‘premium price’ with being a ‘premium product’.
Or as my friend, George, calls it, ‘corporate status delusion’.
Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, Advertising, Agency Culture, Aspiration, Attitude & Aptitude, Brand, Brand Suicide, China, Cliches, Clothes, Comment, Communication Strategy, Complicity, Consultants, Context, Craft, Crap Products In History, Creative Development, Creativity, Culture, Cynic, Delusion, Distinction, Equality, Fake Attitude, Imposter Syndrome, London, Perspective, Planning, Point Of View, Professionalism, Relevance, Reputation, Resonance, Respect, Wieden+Kennedy
This is a post about naming strategies.
Yes, I know I’ve talked about this before.
A lot of times before.
The processes.
The considerations.
The complications.
… but mainly it’s been about how certain branding consultancies charge an absolute fortune to come up with some utter nonsensical bullshit that they back up with 1000’s of pages of self-serving pseudo-science bullshit and still end up creating something pants. Kind of like the explanation of the Pepsi rebrand from 15 years ago. Or most Linkedin ‘guru’ pontification.
But the other side of this is when people choose to put no effort in whatsoever.
Hiding their recommendation behind terms such as ‘colloquial context’ or ‘cultural vernacular’.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times where a stripped back approach can be powerful.
A way to connect to society by taking their cultural references and contexts head-on.
Hell, cynic used to embrace an approach that we literally called, ‘unplanned‘.
However, while this was about removing any element of pomposity, it still had to elevate how people saw or connected to what we did. Any fool can churn out lowest common denominator stuff … but it takes a certain amount of skill and flair to develop something that not only connects and engages the masses, but does it in a way where the value of the product/brand is increased and improved to all.
We used to call this ‘massperation’ … which still makes me feel sick even today, hahahaha.
I say all this to justify something I saw recently.
Or should I say something Otis saw recently.
You see down the road from us there’s a house being built.
It’s in full-on construction mode and as it is on the way to Otis’ school, he passes it every day.
Anyway, one day he came and told me he’d seen the building site loo and was shocked with its name.
It was this:
That’s right, it’s called the ‘Shitbox’.
To be honest, I’m not sure if Otis should have been more surprised at the name or the fact it proudly states it’s a ‘high viz’ toilet box.
HIGH FUCKING VIZ!
Is the toilet going to be walking along the street late at night? Do builders have such bad eyesight they can’t find a 6 foot high toilet without it being painted bright orange? Are construction workers such bad drivers they need to be warned of where the portaloos are so as not to hit them?
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
Anyway, I digress.
The point is that while calling the portaloo a ‘shitbox’ may make sense … I can’t help but feel it is also playing into the builder cliche. Sure, cliches happen because they represent a common behavior or attitude that is played out over a sustained period of time … but often this is only a ‘perceived’ behavior or attitude [usually promoted by an individual or organisation who have found a way to monetise the acceptance of this view] that victimizes anyone who does not live upto the cliche.
I appreciate you may think I’ve gone full-on woke … but apart from the fact I don’t think considering others is a bad thing, I see this behaviour over and over again.
Hell, even Jaguar – with their ‘interesting’ rebrand did it by revealing their new concept cars in pink and blue.
PINK AND FUCKING BLUE.
They made such a big deal about how they ‘delete ordinary’, ‘break moulds’ and ‘copy nothing’ and then they actively, loudly and proudly reinforce the most basic of gender stereotypes. On the World fucking stage!
I totally appreciate you can go over-the-top with this stuff – especially given this whole post was inspired by a building site portaloo. I also get people may think I am suggesting we should name products/brands with words that offer no defining characteristic to avoid any potential stereotype. But neither of those are what I’m trying to say.
All I am attempting to point out is that words matter. And while I fully appreciate naming is a difficult task, I find it fascinating companies spend millions on ‘solutions’ that tend to fall into either pompous, basic or made-up.
Or said another way, names that define, limit or pander rather than celebrate those who use them and the reasons they do.
Filed under: Apathy, Attitude & Aptitude, Bands, Brand, Brand Suicide, Communication Strategy, Complicity, Context, Crap Products In History, Creativity, Culture, Delusion, Egovertising, Embarrassing Moments, Fashion, Marketing, Marketing Fail
One of the worst things marketing has done is destroy the meaning of the English language.
I don’t mean with their desperate attempts to make their slogans and tropes part of popular vernacular – though that is also true – I mean it in terms of them literally and consistently destroying the meaning of words.
Over the years, I’ve seen all manner of examples …
From positioning a new brand of toilet cleaner as an innovation.
To claiming a new flavor of ‘Chicken Tonight’ is revolutionary.
And just recently, the most 80’s of 80’s band, being promoted as a symbol of rebellion.
Don’t get me wrong, I like Duran Duran.
Hell, back in my session guitarist days, I even played with Simon Le Bon … but even when they went through their ‘Wild Boys’ macho phase, they were about as dangerous and rebellious as Paddington Bear.
What the hell are the people behind this thinking?
Do they actually think Duran Duran are a badge of rebellion or is it more a case of them suggesting you’re a rebel if you actively choose to wear a shirt that does not feature the name of a modern music icon emblazoned all over the front?
If that’s the case, then I must be Satan personified. Or I was, prior to losing weight – hahaha.
But regardless of the reason, they’re either gaslighting, exploiting or as delusional as fuck.
What next, the color beige gets branded as controvertial?
Or maybe green ‘Starbursts’ get called confrontational?
Or possibly the entire marketing industry claims they are dangerous-as-fuck?
To paraphase Ronald Reagan and Lee Hill [who made his comment in relation to companies who have to overtly state and explain why their company, product or campaign is revolutionary/innovative/rebellious or even effective] …
“If you have to explain it, you’re probably not it”.
Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, Apathy, Attitude & Aptitude, Audi, Brand Suicide, Communication Strategy, Corporate Evil, Crap Products In History, Creativity, Cunning, Customer Service, Delusion, Devious Strategy, Management, Marketing, Marketing Fail, Membership
Day 3 of this blog in 2025 and it’s like I’m as pissy as 2006.
You see one of the things I find hilarious is when companies talk about ‘customer service’. The reason I laugh is the ones who talk about it the most, tend to be the ones who care the least.
Oh they don’t say that of course, it’s just they seem to be of the belief that if they say a lot about it, it doesn’t require them to actually do anything with it.
Kind of like the experts on Linkedin, hahaha.
Anyway, recently I came across a phenomenal example of this behaviour.
Phenomenal in so much as the hypocrisy of their actions suggest they’re either utterly stupid, or literally don’t give a shit.
Let me give you a bit of background.
A week after I bought my new car, some fucker did this to it.
Claimed his brakes had failed, despite the fact you can see he was looking at his phone.
He then added to the bullshit by giving me a false address and number – but sadly for him, I had a dash-cam, that not only showed his rego, but proved he was in the wrong.
Anyway, that all has been sorted out … however before the insurance company took it to the garage to be repaired, I wanted to ensure I was on top of all the damage he’d caused so I bought a device that ‘diagnoses’ how the car is performing.
Basically you plug it in and it reads the data of the car to identify how it operates.
Normally I wouldn’t bother with such things, but given the car was only a week old, I wanted to ensure everyone knew what had to be fixed.
So I went on website of this company, chose the device specifically for my car, paid for it – and the subscription – and waited. A week or so later it arrived and I plugged it into my car only to be told it was the wrong one and that I needed a newer version with a subscription to access the information.
Given I had literally ordered – and paid for – the latest model from their website, this was somewhat of a suprise, so I wrote to the company to ask for help in sorting it out.
This was the ‘reply’ I received …
What the absolute fuck?
I mean … how many things can one company get in one email response?
Or should I say, how many contradictory answers can one company write in one email response.
First of all they say the ‘ticket is closed’, despite not actually responding to my question.
Then they say they ‘regret’ I can’t send them a reply to their email … despite the fact the top line of their email states ‘please type your reply above the line’.
Then, to rub things in – or confuse me further – they say they’re happy to assist me anytime, despite the fact they’ve literally not assisted me and worse, have blatantly gaslit me.
I am almost impressed at how much they obviously don’t give a shit.
They’re almost Trump-esque in their deliberate avoidance and ignorance.
It’s laughable given this company is supposedly the creator of a product that tells you things no one else will say. What a shame they don’t practice what they preach. But then, so many companies think ‘truth’ is optional.
So to the people at Carly …
Your product sucks.
Your service sucks.
Your system sucks.
And you suck.
Because as bad my car was hit, the damage is nowhere near as bad as the damage you’ve done to one of your paying customers. A paying customer who will not only never give you a penny ever again, but who has – like the petty little shit I am – found a way to teach Carly’s CEO, Mr Avid Avini, a lesson he will hopefully never forget.
Or should I say, a lesson he may never be able to stop.
Hey, he started it.
Cue: Evil Laugh.
Filed under: Advertising, Attitude & Aptitude, Comment, Communication Strategy, Crap Products In History, Culture, ECommerce, Jill, Kickstarter, Marketing, Marketing Fail, Technology
Over the years I’ve bought a lot on Kickstarter.
I say bought … but the reality is there’s a shitload of stuff I never received.
And then there’s the stuff that I did get, that I wish I hadn’t.
That said, I have to acknowledge their unprecedented ability to hype the mundane up to fever pitch. It really is quite extraordinary, given I’ve gone back time and time again, despite enduring endless indifferent experiences.
But maybe I’m over that now.
Or maybe they’re just running out of ‘hype fuel’ because recently I saw something that made me laugh out loud rather than reach for my credit card.
To be honest, it’s been coming …
First there was the watch that claimed to be rebel engineering.
Then the phone attachment that supposedly gave you something fast-approaching infinite zoom.
But now they have entered a new world of insanity, even though I acknowledge this one is arguably much more sensible than either of those ‘trophies of stupidity’.
It’s this …
Yep, a portable dishwasher.
Does anyone ever need a portable dishwasher?
I understand a small dishwasher, but a portable one?
My gut would say no, but I know for a fact there’s some people [read: my wife] who hates the idea of washing dishes so much, she would probably see this as an act of humanity.
So let’s say I accept there may be an audience out there for a micro, portable dishwasher.
However what I cannot accept is – based on the photo they have used – there’s an audience who would want to buy a micro, portable dishwasher to then take to their local pub. More importantly, I don’t know why anyone would need to take a micro, portable dishwasher to their local pub unless they purposely forget their watch/purse/phone and need to work off the drinks and underwhelming bar snacks they consumed.
But the way the Kickstarter folk have written the headline seems to suggest they think it may be the next craze. The new ‘dog in a handbag’ or overpriced, oversized water bottle. Something you take with you at all times to show your peers your ‘status’ or in case you fancy washing your cup, saucer or – judging by the size of the machine – spork.
But it gets worse, because they then say ‘saving you time to make more joy’.
What the absolute fuck?!
Apart from that being literally the laziest ‘selling proposition’ in the known universe, I’ll tell you what saves you more time to make more joy … going to the local fucking pub to eat so you don’t have any washing up to do.
What the hell are Kickstarter thinking?
Are they thinking?
Do they care anymore.
Well, as much as I’d like to say ‘no, they’re not’ … it seems that accusation should be pointed at their customers rather than them, because the company behind the ‘social dishwasher’ have raised $1,186,891,682 from Kickstarter projects.
$1,186,891,682!!!
OK, so that is over 4367 products, but still, that’s disturbingly impressive.
But not as impressive as me being able to show Jill this news and look fiscally responsible in comparison to the tens of thousands of people who have dropped their cash on shit like this.
And this is coming from someone who has bough robot balls, a shitload of robot dogs and a windmill.
Result!!!
So a huge thank you to Kickstarter and Jellop Products … you may be exploiting the fuck out of the stupid, but you’ve made me realise I’m less stupid than I feared.