Filed under: Anniversary, Attitude & Aptitude, Birthday, China, Confidence, Dad, Daddyhood, Education, Emotion, Family, Jill, Love, Mum, Mum & Dad, My Childhood, My Fatherhood, Otis
Hello I’m back.
And the good news, it’s not for long …
Not because I’m going away again, but because it’s almost the holiday season so you – and I – get a break from this blog for a month.
A MONTH!
So with all the horrors on in the world, at least there’s that positive news to look forward to.
Anyway, as you can tell, I am back from the UK and there’s one main reason for it.
Today my beloved, wonderful, brilliant son – Otis – turns 9.
All those cliches of ‘they grow up so fast’ turned out – as many cliches do – to be true.
And while I wish it wasn’t, because it means we’re already at the halfway point to official ‘adulthood’, the fact is I can’t turn back time and every year with him just keeps getting better and better.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, there’s moments that test us … but even that is a sign of good stuff.
His desire for more independence.
His interest in things we don’t know or yet understand.
His network of mates with their codes and slang that reduces them to giggles.
But all of this is through the filter of being a good kid.
A compassionate, considerate, thoughtful boy.
Certainly more than I ever was at his age. Hell, more than people 5 times his age.
His awareness of issues such as equality, gender neutrality, prejudice and racism is wonderful. As is his assurance of which side of the fence he lands on all these issues.
Yes … we have had a big part to play in that, but it’s his curious mind that led him to the questions that allowed us to have conversations with it.
But it’s his perseverance in the face of adversity that is inspiring.
As I’ve written before, Otis has dysgraphia … a form of dyslexia that severely affects how he learns, specifically when requiring motor skills.
It means using with a pen is very difficult for him. As is his ability to process information in certain situations.
He knows he has it. He knows it can frustrate and challenge him … but he also has accepted and embraced it in the knowledge it can never be ‘cured’, only managed.
That he has been able to deal with that in a way where he is still able to thrive at school – especially in subjects such as reading, maths and creative writing – is testimony to his character and his desire to learn and do things well.
As I have also written about, his school deserves a lot of credit for this.
They have actively created the conditions for him to be able to do this. Not only that, they appreciate there’s little value forcing him to use a pen when that causes him problems and distress … especially when he shines so brightly when allowed to use a keyboard or use talk to type.
It not only means they appreciate the issue is HOW Otis learns rather than his capacity TO learn, it means they are focused on his potential rather than his challenges – which is exactly what a school should do, but we know rarely does for a whole host of reasons that I wrote about here.
What is also wonderful is how he is supported by his friends.
Back in my day, kids seized on the slightest weakness and used it to taunt you mercilessly.
But this generation aren’t like that. They’re supportive, encouraging and helpful.
In fact his friend Archie recently said to him, “I wish I had dysgraphia so I could use a computer all the time too”.
I hope that continues … but I am grateful for it happening now.
And today he turns 9.
NINE!!!
I remember that day in Shanghai when he was born like it was yesterday.
The early morning realization it was happening.
The 300 step walk to the new hospital near our home.
The wait.
The pushing.
The birth.
The tears of happiness.
The stupid first photograph. [See below]
The phone call to Mum.
The pink onesie.
The takeaway delivery.
The utter exhaustion. [Sorry Jill, I know you did all the work but …]
The constant wake up and marvel at him while checking he’s alive.
And now … 9 years and 4 countries later … we’re here.
I love you Otis. You have done so much for me I can’t put it into words.
But I’ll try.
You’ve made me a better person.
A better human, a better husband and – hopefully – a better dad.
More open.
More understanding.
More aware.
More appreciative.
More desperate to make you proud.
I wish with all my heart my Mum and Dad could have met you.
I know they would have loved the hell out of you.
Not just because you’re their first [and, let’s face it, only] grandchild … but because you’re a curious, cheeky, kind and happy, compassionate and passionate kid … bursting with energy, imagination and a deep sense of righteousness, all held together with a deep respect for being precise, considered and thoughtful.
Bloody hell! Talk about showing me up.
I’m proud to be your Dad.
I love seeing you develop and grow every day.
Watching you commit with a fierce focus on things you want to master … whether that’s Rubik’s Cubes, Yoyo’s, swimming, Mario, finding the funniest Reel or getting Robux out of me.
But it’s more than that …
It’s your understanding of who you are, regardless of others influence or pressure.
Your vegetarianism.
Your disinterest in sport.
Your physical and emotional boundaries.
There are adults who haven’t worked that out yet, let alone feel comfortable enough to acknowledge it … but you have and do. It’s amazing.
It’s one of the reasons I have more faith in your generation to take us to a better place, than I do of mine.
And I promise I’ll do my best to stop us fucking it up so you have a chance to make it happen.
Because the greatest gift I could have is to see you grow and blossom for as long as possible.
To be able to watch you discover your life of adventure and fulfilment.
To witness the choices you make for the life you want to create.
That would be everything to me.
Not because I have any expectations, but because I just want to see you live and embrace your life.
I love you so much Otis.
Never stop being just who you are.
The happiest of happy birthday’s to you my wonderful son.
Dad xox
If you have a pet, you will probably understand.
That feeling of love that’s almost impossible to express in words.
The deep compulsion to ensure they remain happy and content.
The ability to spot the nuance in every look or sound they make and translate it into the specific action they need.
It’s a relationship. A real – but unique – relationship.
Which may explain why this note, from the musician Fiona Apple, hit so hard.
A letter to her fans about cancelling a concert so she can stay close to her poorly dog.
It’s utterly beautiful. Proper, proper beautiful.
And while some may not understand how she could come to this decision.
For others, it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
Because they’re not a pet, they’re a partner.
It’s 6pm on Friday, and I’m writing to a few thousand friends I have not met yet. I’m writing to ask them to change our plans and meet a little while later.
Here’s the thing.
I have a dog, Janet, and she’s been ill for about 2 years now, as a tumor has been idling in her chest, growing ever so slowly. She’s almost 14 years old now. I got her when she was 4 months old. I was 21 then — an adult, officially — and she was my kid.
She is a pitbull, and was found in Echo Park, with a rope around her neck, and bites all over her ears and face.
She was the one the dogfighters use to puff up the confidence of the contenders.
She’s almost 14 and I’ve never seen her start a fight, or bite, or even growl, so I can understand why they chose her for that awful role. She’s a pacifist.
Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact. We’ve lived in numerous houses, and joined a few makeshift families, but it’s always really been just the two of us.
She slept in bed with me, her head on the pillow, and she accepted my hysterical, tearful face into her chest, with her paws around me, every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head.
She was under the piano when I wrote songs, barked any time I tried to record anything, and she was in the studio with me, all the time we recorded the last album.
The last time I came back from tour, she was spry as ever, and she’s used to me being gone for a few weeks, every 6 or 7 years.
She has Addison’s Disease, which makes it more dangerous for her to travel, since she needs regular injections of Cortisol, because she reacts to stress and excitement without the physiological tools which keep most of us from literally panicking to death.
Despite all this, she’s effortlessly joyful & playful, and only stopped acting like a puppy about 3 years ago. She is my best friend, and my mother, and my daughter, my benefactor, and she’s the one who taught me what love is.
I can’t come to South America. Not now. When I got back from the last leg of the US tour, there was a big, big difference.
She doesn’t even want to go for walks anymore.
I know that she’s not sad about aging or dying.
Animals have a survival instinct, but a sense of mortality and vanity, they do not. That’s why they are so much more present than people.
But I know she is coming close to the time where she will stop being a dog, and start instead to be part of everything. She’ll be in the wind, and in the soil, and the snow, and in me, wherever I go.
I just can’t leave her now, please understand. If I go away again, I’m afraid she’ll die and I won’t have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out.
Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes just to decide what socks to wear to bed.
But this decision is instant.
These are the choices we make, which define us. I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love & friendship.
I am the woman who stays home, baking Tilapia for my dearest, oldest friend. And helps her be comfortable and comforted and safe and important.
I need to do my damnedest, to be there for that.
Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I’ve ever known.
When she dies.
So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and I am revelling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel. And I’m asking for your blessing.
I’ll be seeing you.
Love,
Fiona
Today would be my Mum’s 91st birthday.
The idea of her being 91 feels weird because that’s proper old, but I never saw her that way, even when she was in her 80’s.
Part of this is because she refused to make age an excuse for not being interested or invested in contemporary culture.
From music to comedy to film to food … she was actively invested in knowing more about what was going on, even if she didn’t understand or like it herself.
Her view was that the best way to have a full life was to have a curious mind … and that manifested in her caring deeply about what others cared about.
Not in an invasive or nosy way – she was absolutely not that sort of person – but in a desire to listen and learn.
Learning was very important to her.
Not for any other reason other than she found it hugely enjoyable.
It’s why over the years she did everything from painting classes to pottery to creative writing to learning Russian.
But she never made a big deal out of it.
This was for her and kept to her.
A way to feel she is always growing, regardless the age she was.
But while everyone who knew her saw her as a compassionate, caring, curious, considerate, kind and humble Italian lady … she was also strong.
Strong with her values.
Strong with her principals.
Strong with staying committed to what she found important.
A quiet activist … someone who spoke loudly and clearly through her actions rather than words. She was a perfect match for my Dad, given he was a human rights barrister whose actions were literally his words.
Obviously I miss them both. A lot.
But the older I get, the more I see how much they taught me.
Sometimes deliberately … sometimes by osmosis.
And while the way I do stuff is a pale imitation of the way they did stuff, I am so grateful to them for giving me love, support, encouragement and inspiration.
I hope they knew it.
I wish I could tell them again.
Happy 91st Mum.
I love you.
Rx
Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, Context, Dad, Emotion, Empathy, Fatherhood, Honesty, Love, Mum, Mum & Dad, My Childhood, My Fatherhood, Otis
I’m back.
Kinda.
Hang in there, because this is going to be a longish post.
I should say the length is not just because I want to make up for the fact you had a whole week without being subjected to my rubbish … but because you’re getting another week.
No really.
You see by the time you read this, I’ll be in LA.
I know … I know … but it’s for work, honest.
OK, I admit I am looking forward to it because I not only get to see a bunch of mates, I get to do something with Mr Weigel as well. Which means it will be fun, regardless what happens. Certainly fun enough to miss my 16th Wedding anniversary on Friday, which – let’s be honest – is possibly the best present I could ever give Jill.
[Sorry my love, but we both know you will have forgotten, ha]
So as you get another week of peace, I thought I’d leave you with a big post.
But unlike my usual rubbish … this isn’t about strategy, Birkenstocks or Queen.
But it is about sentimentality and love. But not mine – for once.
You see a few weeks ago, I read an article in The Guardian by the author Katherine Heiny.
I don’t know why I read it.
I didn’t know Katherine or any of her work and the article was about her hard-of-hearing Dad … but despite all that, I did.
And I’m so glad.
It was wonderful.
A longish train ride that made stops at laughter, smiles and – at the very end – tears.
Because what Katherine had done so perfectly was capture the increasingly complex relationship we all have with our parents while also realising – hopefully before it’s too late – that for all their sometimes stubborn, stuck-in-their-way views and ways, we love them, admire them and respect them.
Maybe it was because I was reading it at 2 in the morning, but at the end, the tears flowed.
Great big dollops of them.
Not just because she’d captured the love she had for him in such a beautifully raw – yet gentle – way, but because it triggered how I hope Otis will one day think of me. Preferably without the frustrating bits in-between.
Anyway, the impact of the story compelled me to write to her.
I knew there was the risk I’d sound like a stalker … not to mention the high chance my email would be consigned to the junkmail bin either inadvertently or deliberately … but I wanted to let her know how much her writing meant to me.
Yes, I know she’s an author – an accomplished one as it turned out – but how she writes just connected with me more than many other authors I’ve read.
Which is why I was thrilled when, a few days later, I received this from Katherine:
Dear Rob,
Your email made my day (as did the fact that you think I have staff, or at least an assistant). It was the exact opposite of pointless and silly. It really touched me. I miss my parents too. My mother told me once that even after her mother died, my mother thought of things daily that she wanted to tell her. Now I do the same and it seems to me like a way to say “I hold you always in my thoughts.” Please friend me on FB if FB is something you do and thank you (x a million!) for writing.
Katherine x
That she wrote back at all was wonderful.
That she wrote such a lovely message and asked me to FB ‘friend’ her is unparalleled.
Don’t worry though. Because in an act I assume was designed to continue to help Mark Zuckerberg win back public sentiment – boosted massively by the stupidity of Elon Musk – Facebook stopped me ‘friending’ Katherine, as they correctly pointed out I did not know her.
My loss was surely her – and Mr Zuckerberg’s – gain.
Or it was, until Katherine persisted and found a way for us to connect.
What a brilliantly generous human with such an alarming lack of judgement.
Which leaves me to say this …
Thank you so much Katherine.
Not for writing back – though I’m grateful for that – but for celebrating the emotion that comes from honesty, even when it can be the most uncomfortable journey of all.
You can read the story that started this journey, by clicking here.
I’m back next Monday. That should be enough time to have stopped laughing, crying and telling your parents you love them …
Filed under: 2023, Advertising, Agency Culture, Anniversary, Attitude & Aptitude, Authenticity, Cannes, China, Colenso, Colleagues, Comment, Context, Corona Virus, Creativity, Culture, Dad, Daddyhood, Death, Emotion, Empathy, Family, Fashion, Fatherhood, Holiday, Individuality, Jill, Love, Loyalty, Martin Weigel, Mum, Mum & Dad, Music, My Childhood, My Fatherhood, New Zealand, Nottingham, Nottingham Forest, Otis, Paul, Paula, Peace, Prejudice, Relationships, Relevance, Resonance, Revenge, Review, School, Shanghai, Travel, Trust, Truth
So with all the focus on Otis’ 9th birthday, I only just realized this is going to be the last week of this blog for this year. Which means you get a month off and then – when I come back – I will be entering year number 18 of writing my rubbish.
EIGHTEEN YEARS.
An adult.
And will my posts reflect that maturity?
Errrrm, probably not.
In fact a while back, I got called ‘immune to maturity’ by Metallica’s management which they quickly followed up with, “… and I bet you think that’s a compliment.”
That’s why we’re still working together after 7 years … we understand each other so well, ha.
2023 has been an interesting year for me.
Definitely more highs than lows.
In many ways, it has been a standout year for me – both personally and professionally.
I feel almost embarrassed to say that. I totally appreciate how many people are suffering right now. I have friends in tough places and there’s those dealing with everything from mental health challenges through to terrifying conflicts … which just reinforced how privileged and lucky I am.
For the first time in my life, I started this year with a resolution, and it was to say ‘yes’ to everything I was asked to do.
I don’t know why I decided to do that – maybe it is because for all of NZ’s magic [of which there’s tons] it can sometimes feel a pretty isolated, inward-focused place – so to counter that, I decided 2023 was the year of yes and I got to do a lot of that.
Saying yes let me travel literally around the world for work … including some countries/cities I’d never been to in my life. [Not to mention, having the gift of visiting my childhood home again, even though I burst into tears when the lovely new owner opened the door, haha]
I got to speak at a bunch of ace conferences. from Cannes – with my mates Paula and Martin – the magnificent State Of Social in Perth right through to the WWD World Fashion Conference in China [with the incredible Phoebe Philo and, bizarrely, being interviewed by Fashion TV] with a whole bunch in-between.
I was a guest speaker at a bunch of institutions from Cambridge University, the Ecuadorian Advertising Federation right through to the House of Prada.
I got to be part of some incredible creative projects. From the huge: helping design the 72 Seasons world tour stage set for Metallica. The cheeky: offering the All Blacks rugby coach a free curry for a year if he brought home the World Cup, then taking away his naan bread because he didn’t. To the most awarded: watching the wonderful fools at Colenso pick up Gold gongs and Agency of the Year title’s all over the place.
Top that off with seeing 3 members of my team become parents for the first time [and another about 3 months into that magical journey] and to see the 3 newbies from overseas not only fit in with the gang like they were here for years, but make an even bigger difference than I hoped – and you can see why I feel it has been a hugely satisfying year for me professionally.
But it’s the personal side that made it truly memorable.
First of all, we’re all happy and healthy. Like properly happy and healthy.
Then, for the first time in 7 years, we had our first proper family holiday. And while It did not last long in terms of duration, the glow still is with me months later. Yes, I appreciate that sounds more sickly than being force fed 5047389 sticks of candyfloss, it’s true.
Jill started her new company, Tiny Riot … a jewellery company dedicated to say the words women feel, but don’t always want to say out loud. She also felt she had found her peeps … letting her feel she was part of a community she loves and thrives in. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me, especially as we know we’ll no doubt be moving to another country in the not too distant future, hahaha.
Just to be clear, that has not been decided yet, we just know it’s coming … especially as we’ve already lived in NZ longer than we have lived in the last 4 countries we have been in. But I digress …
Which leave Otis …
Brilliant, wonderful, fantastic Otis.
Well, he has flourished and blossomed this year.
From seeing his mates network evolve and develop … with their own codes, games and slang … through to watching him throw himself into new activities, like tennis and swimming, yoyo’s and messing about with Roblox, Reels and video games … to seeing him love his budgie, Sky [which he made me a t-shirt to wear on the Cannes stage to ensure I admitted I cared for it as much as Rosie, ha] and then of course, watching him deal with his dysgraphia diagnosis with positivity, openness and conviction.
Given I have seen adults literally burst into tears when they had to move desks at work – true story – seeing an 8, now 9 year old – embrace a challenge that will affect him for the rest of his life with understanding, openness and a desire to not let it define him or make excuses for him is honestly one of the most wonderful things I’ve ever had the privilege of witnessing.
[I also have to add Forest staying in the Premiership was a highlight, because while Jill and Otis may not like to hear it … that team are family to me, hahaha]
But of course, you can’t have good without bad and there’s been a couple of things that have shaken me deeply.
One in particular made me question everything I thought I knew and could rely on.
The impact it had on me was – and still is – huge. I would say it has been the most emotionally confronting situation I’ve experienced since my parents died. It has been that big.
What makes it even worse is that in reality, I may never really get over it as the impact affects me and my family for the rest of our lives.
And we’re the least affected in this situation.
It has taken me months to try and come to terms with what has happened … to try and accept things I thought I knew and could rely on, have failed.
If truth be told, I’m still working on it … because while I appreciate life can take unexpected turns, it’s why – and how others deal with it – that determines how you feel about it and in this case, they are the things that ended up being disastrously dealt with.
Which is why 2023 can never be seen as a spectacular year for us, merely a very good one.
And as I said, that is still a hugely positive outcome given so many are suffering in ways that make my pain seem insignificant.
Which is why I was so impacted by some graffiti that someone I vaguely know, told me about.
It’s this …
… they’re not wrong.
Which is why, while I know 2024 will face it’s challenges – especially with the US election and the likelihood America will lose its mind and vote for Trump [while acknowledging the Democrats have failed to find and develop a single worthy candidate in 4+ years] – I hope by this time next year, more people can say they had a more positive than challenging year because the World needs it. Because for all the hell that Covid subjected the planet too, the anxiety created by people [read: old, white men] who feel entitled to do and have whatever they want is arguably, even worse. And without wanting to sound like a hippie … some peace would be nice.
I know no one will have read this far, but then this is not for you … but I can assure you the last 3 posts of this week won’t be as indulgent, not for your sanity, but because I can’t be arsed to write so much rubbish again.