The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Dumb Luck …

There’s a narrative that to be rich, you have to be smart.

Or very, very lucky.

Whether that viewpoint is true or not is probably more an individual take than a general view. But what isn’t talked about very often is how success can make you stupid.

The comedian Billy Connolly once said the world smells of fresh paint, because wherever the Queen walks [RIP] … 20 feet in front of her is someone painting the walls white.

Or said another way, wherever successful people go, ‘yes people’ follow.

Never did I see that more in action than when I lived in America.

OH MY GOD.

The ‘manage-up’ attitude was incredible to witness.

Basic thoughts were met with an ever increasing amount of fawning responses …

“That’s a brilliant idea”.

“Genius”.

“You’re so clever”.

And all this resulted in was leaders thinking they were Gods … walking on clouds thinking the world was looking up and worshiping them … pushing confidence in their own voice to greater and greater levels, so they spouted even more ridiculous viewpoints that they packaged-up as next-level Yoda statements for their entourage to fake swoon over.

I say this because I recently saw this …

WHAT THE HELL?

I mean, what does ‘the smartest praline in the World’ even mean?

Does it have Alexa inside them?

Or maybe the new iWatch Ultra?

Or did they get Einstein’s body, crush it up and placed fragments into each nut.

Seriously, what the hell are they going on about???

Well it gets worse.

No, really.

Because when you watch the ad, ‘the smartest praline in the world’ translates to the ability to be a sexpest on public transport … I kid you not.

The good news is this ad is apparently old … but it still perfectly demonstrates nothing can make you more egotistically stupid, than being successful.

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Have We Hit Peak Daily Mail?

I hate the Daily Mail.

I hate what they stand for.

I hate how they conduct their ‘journalism’.

I hate the way they fan the flames of hate under the guise of revealing truth.

And yet I read it every day.

Every bloody day.

Not for the ‘news’, but because I enjoy the hate they ignite in me.

Of course, by me reading it, they are benefiting from me – and that drives me nuts – but there is something in understanding the depths they will go to appear relevant that is addictive.

They go on about news they have broken.

They go on about justice they have driven.

But the reality is the entire rag is dedicated to letting white middle Englanders, feel superior, which is why I love how they think they’re cutting edge without realising they continually revea how out of touch they – and their readers – actually are.

Recently, they printed an article that was pure gold.

This was the headline.

I can just imagine the horror on the faces of James and Margaret in Tunbridge Wells – spitting out their Earl Grey tea over breakfast – as they worried their darling grandchildren may be being assaulted by sex pest foreign perverts via endless aubergine and peach emojis.

What makes it even better is the article has been written as if the Daily Mail had just conducted some Pulitzer winning, investigative journalism.

No doubt there will be an article coming up in the next few weeks stating the Daily Mail is committed to eradicating emoji filth from our young children’s phones … conveniently ignoring the hate they continually perpetuate towards the young, the poor or the people who question the actions or behaviour of the British Government or Royal family.

Like this blog, the Daily Mail are about 10 years too late to cultural topicality which is why I leave them with this, safe in the knowledge they won’t work out what I’ve said till 2030.

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Dear Daily Mail, Can You Please Leave The Hilariously Stupid Stories To Viz …

The Daily Mail.

God, how I hate it.

Pedlars of hate, half-truths and prejudice, while all the time claiming they are a ‘family newspaper’ that practices the highest standards of journalism.

For anyone who may be in doubt of how bollocks that is, I suggest you do one of four things.

1. Read a single edition of their rubbish.

2. Read about some of their biggest lies, that they tried to claim were true.

3. Read how they – and others – value convenience over journalism.

4. Read the rest of this post.

OK, I know I’ve written a lot about my hatred of the Daily Mail but just recently, it appears their arrogance of getting away with any old bullshit is reaching new heights.

I absolutely appreciate how hard it must be to fill a newspaper every day.

I can’t imagine the pressure they must be under given they always start from zero.

But I still don’t get how they can consider themselves a serious journalistic force when they post stories – on their front page – like these …

… and …

I mean, come on.

This is what they consider news?

A ‘find the obvious soldiers’ game and a ‘grey is the colour of chavs’ article?

Seriously, the wonderfully ridiculous adult comic Viz is more mature than that and they once ran a piece that said cat food manufacturers should be launching a ‘cat arse’ flavour, rather than chicken or fish or duck.

Look, I get in a war situation the enemy may find it difficult to spot a couple of SAS soldiers dressed in white from a distance when it’s snowing. But on a close up picture where they literally tell you there’s SAS soldiers dressed in white … well, it is even easier than those shitty hook-a-duck games you get at dodgy fairs around the country.

And as for positioning people who paint THEIR OWN HOME grey as enemies of British culture, well surely they’ve just hit peak Daily Mail condescending judgement?

What next, an ‘expose’ on how people’s choice of curtains, flowers or sunglasses are ruining Britain?

Christ, it’s grey.

It’s not like that person who built a fibreglass shark on their roof.

Or pained their house with red stripes, specifically to fuck-off the neighbours.

Or placed the Freddie Mercury statue from the Dominion Theatre roof in their garden.

The way the Daily Mail are going on, you’d imagine they were the national newspaper of the communist party.

If the colour of a house makes them – and their readers – so angry, it makes me want to hire a team to find the home addresses of all the editorial staff at The Mail and their readers and have them go round and paint their buildings different shades of grey and pink.

Instead, I’ll just be happy that my house is partially grey and that will deeply offend anyone associated with The Daily Mail.

And to think I didn’t believe I could love my house even more …



Some Scams Might As Well As Have A Neon Sign On Them, Flashing Scam …

Just like great PR is never seen.

And great conspiracies, always feel plausible.

Great scams should never let you doubt their validity.

Yes, I know a while back I wrote that Bernie Madoff had said that success is as much down to the individuals greed as the scammers ability to appear legitimate … but fundamentally, if something is too good to be true, it probably isn’t.

Which is why the ad above is probably the criminal equivalent of infant school.

Let’s face it, you don’t call yourself ‘Mystery Shopping’ if you’re going to tell everyone what they’re getting and the likelihood that SONY would allow an external company to promote to all and sundry that you can play on their yet-to-be-released new gamer machine is – and I appreciate I may be being a bit cynical here – ABSOLUTELY ZERO!

On the bright side, it does show clients that as professionals in communication, adland is much better at manipulating people than criminals. Or at least amateur criminals.

So at least we have that going for us. Ahem.

Sorry gomysteryshopping.co.uk, you’re going to have to up your game.

Or at least not make such stupid, basic mistakes.

Wait for all the consultancies that will now approach criminals with proposals to improve their efficiency and effectiveness. Now they’re definitely not ‘amateur’ criminals.



When Politeness Goes Porn …

So this COVID-19 thing has – as I’ve written a bunch of times – brought the best and worst out of people and companies.

But one thing I’ve not really talked about is the humour it has ignited.

The best bit being some of it was not meant to be humour but it’s hilarious.

So to make your week much happier, have a look at this piece of accidental hilarity … which may be one of the best examples of self-serving [under the guise of politeness and consideration] middle-class [which today means, posh-class] England, since the editorial in today’s Daily Mail.

You’re welcome.