The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Dear Daily Mail, Can You Please Leave The Hilariously Stupid Stories To Viz …

The Daily Mail.

God, how I hate it.

Pedlars of hate, half-truths and prejudice, while all the time claiming they are a ‘family newspaper’ that practices the highest standards of journalism.

For anyone who may be in doubt of how bollocks that is, I suggest you do one of four things.

1. Read a single edition of their rubbish.

2. Read about some of their biggest lies, that they tried to claim were true.

3. Read how they – and others – value convenience over journalism.

4. Read the rest of this post.

OK, I know I’ve written a lot about my hatred of the Daily Mail but just recently, it appears their arrogance of getting away with any old bullshit is reaching new heights.

I absolutely appreciate how hard it must be to fill a newspaper every day.

I can’t imagine the pressure they must be under given they always start from zero.

But I still don’t get how they can consider themselves a serious journalistic force when they post stories – on their front page – like these …

… and …

I mean, come on.

This is what they consider news?

A ‘find the obvious soldiers’ game and a ‘grey is the colour of chavs’ article?

Seriously, the wonderfully ridiculous adult comic Viz is more mature than that and they once ran a piece that said cat food manufacturers should be launching a ‘cat arse’ flavour, rather than chicken or fish or duck.

Look, I get in a war situation the enemy may find it difficult to spot a couple of SAS soldiers dressed in white from a distance when it’s snowing. But on a close up picture where they literally tell you there’s SAS soldiers dressed in white … well, it is even easier than those shitty hook-a-duck games you get at dodgy fairs around the country.

And as for positioning people who paint THEIR OWN HOME grey as enemies of British culture, well surely they’ve just hit peak Daily Mail condescending judgement?

What next, an ‘expose’ on how people’s choice of curtains, flowers or sunglasses are ruining Britain?

Christ, it’s grey.

It’s not like that person who built a fibreglass shark on their roof.

Or pained their house with red stripes, specifically to fuck-off the neighbours.

Or placed the Freddie Mercury statue from the Dominion Theatre roof in their garden.

The way the Daily Mail are going on, you’d imagine they were the national newspaper of the communist party.

If the colour of a house makes them – and their readers – so angry, it makes me want to hire a team to find the home addresses of all the editorial staff at The Mail and their readers and have them go round and paint their buildings different shades of grey and pink.

Instead, I’ll just be happy that my house is partially grey and that will deeply offend anyone associated with The Daily Mail.

And to think I didn’t believe I could love my house even more …

23 Comments so far
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What an excellent rant. For a moment I thought we were back in 2005, better known as the year we hit “peak Robert ranting”. The Daily Mail is a hideous publication. It seems their editorial policy is simply to stir up trouble while claiming to be a serious newspaper. And how could anyone think they are not with stories such as “spot the soldiers” and “grey is the colour of peasants”.

Comment by George

Your house is far too nice for you.
Perfect for Jill, Otis and Rosie.

Comment by Bazza

It is rather beautiful.

Comment by George

Oh yes. No disagreement from me.

Comment by Rob

Can I live in it when you move to NZ?


Comment by Jemma King

For a huge monthly fee.

Comment by Bazza

Don’t worry Jemma, it still would be less than I’d charge anyone else.

Comment by Rob

I’ve just visited the US DM and by my estimates, 3% of the stories were related to stories of national interest. 97% were fillers involving a range of A list to Z grade celebrities.

Comment by Bazza

I’m betting the 3% was heavily influenced to communicate the DM editors extreme conservative viewpoint.

Comment by George

3% proper news is too high.

Comment by Pete

I wish the Viz alliance had worked. It would have been so much fun. I don’t know if we would have had any clients, but it is still less offensive than the Mondelez food companies announcement their new global marketing strategy is called “humaning”. A future post maybe Rob?

Comment by Pete

Yes, even the notorious Sid the Sexist is not as rude as reading an article that proudly states “we are no longer marketing to consumers but humans.”

Comment by George

In one respect I like they’re making the distinction between consumers and humans because it is a mindshift companies need to make to stop thinking people just want to give them all their money.

However to make this a press release is only trumped in its stupidity as inventing a nonsensical word and treating it like jewellery. Seriously, you’d have thought they would want to keep this all quiet to avoid showing their stupidity to the world.

As Dennis Thatcher once said, “it’s best to keep you mouth closed to avoid saying something stupid versus opening it and confirming it to the world”.

Comment by Rob

dont be a fucking wet campbell. this shit should be common sense. you reward them realising theyre pricks and youre making them feel good when they should want to kill themselves.

Comment by andy@cynic

Why were you reading the Nottingham Evening Post?

Comment by Rob

Nobody reads the Nottingham Evening Post. I spent fve seconds googling so as to debunk your post. Standard operating procedure. That’s all.

Comment by John

And what have you debunked?

The only think I see is you have debunked that you are a smart man who is quite decent.

Comment by Rob

That was never true.

I’ve just pointed out that all online news media is dominated by garbage. The Mail is awful, but so are all the others. Being marginally more moral than the Mail is no claim at all.

In 1919, Fleet Street were of the opinion that the people had lost all interest in the war and were collectively surprised by the reaction to the entombing of the Unknown Soldier. Not much changes.

And we shouldn’t be blaming the media, we should be blaming ourselves for tolerating educational standards and curricula that create the huge audience to which they are so good at marketing the new opium of the people.

Comment by John

doddsy. how many times do I have to tell you. trolls never apologise even when they were a prick.

Comment by andy@cynic

Oh I’m not saying The Mail is the only awful one. But comparing the Nottingham Evening Post to the Mail is a bit unfair. One is a parochial snoozepaper and the other is a National publication with a global audience … which means their agenda is more influential.

So while I agree we should be blaming more than just the newspaper for this situation – with governments lack of funding in education being one of them – they can’t be allowed to get off scott-free either as they still are adding to the issue rather than removing it.

On a positive, I have to say you look amazing well for someone who can remember Fleet Street in 1919. Botox?

Comment by Rob

put your fucking handbags down.

Comment by andy@cynic

Boom tish – that’s quite the burn, But you’re no Andy – only he could call me a prick and a troll while simultaneously giving the impression of solidarity. Masterful.

Comment by John

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