Filed under: Advertising, Attitude & Aptitude, Brand Suicide, Crap Campaigns In History, Marketing Fail

As far as I know, that ad – at the top of this page – is real.
Let me say that again, Blackburn Council made an ad that said little girls – but apparently not little boys – may mistake dogs shit as chocolate and may eat it … making them go blind.
Blind!
And to make sure there was no misunderstanding, Blackburn Council thought it was fine to show a photo of a little girl, sat near a dog shit with dog shit brown all over her face and mouth.
What. The. Fuck. Were. They. Thinking?
There are so many problematic things with this I don’t even know where to start. More than that, I don’t know what could have led to them going with the full nuclear option.
Did a little girl eat dog shit thinking it was a Mars Bar?
Did a member of Blackburn Council drop their Mars bar on the grass and wants to ensure no one eats it while they look for it?
Are dog owners in Blackburn feeding laxatives to their dogs so they can have a competition with other dog owners in Blackburn to see who can get their dog to shit the most, with added points for it resembling a chocolate? To be fair, if a dog could shit like an After Eight mint, I’d be prone to award them bonus points for that.
Are parents just dropping their young daughters in the park and leaving them to fend for themselves till they’re back from work?
Do little girls in Blackburn suffer from a rare disorder where they can’t distinguish the small of dog shit with the smell of food?
Is it a guerrilla ad from Specsavers Blackburn to encourage more eye tests?
Are they trying to enter the Effies and win an award for being able to proudly state ‘not one little girl went blind from eating on dog shit’?
Are dog owners in Blackburn just a bunch of sick bastards?
I literally don’t know how they got to this point.
I want to know.
I demand to know.
Because while Blackburn Council may think they’ve made an ad to communicate to dog owners about clearing up after their pet, what they’ve actually done is ensure no one will ever visit Blackburn again. And DEFINITELY never buy any chocolate from the shops.
Extraordinary.
And with that, I leave you with a photo of this …

While the people who read this blog just see a sad man with a [fake] dog shit on his head.
And probably want to make endless comments like ‘shit head’.
To someone at Blackburn Council, they see the potential of a little girl … sat in a park … without parental supervision … mistaking it for a sad man with a Milky Way on his head.
Mind you, if it was a Turkish delight, they may have a point.
Because that perfumed, dark pink jelly chocolate rubbish always tasted like shit.
Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, Anniversary, Comment, Dad, Emotion, Jill, Love, Mum, Mum & Dad, Singapore

Today is an important day, because back in 2007, Jill and I got married in Singapore.
We wanted it low-key [read: easy] so we hired out our favourite restaurant – Coriander Leaf – told all the locally invited guests it was an engagement dinner [we told our overseas guests what was going on or they wouldn’t have bothered coming] and then, when everyone turned up, we announced our true intentions and got married in front of our family and friends.
Yes I was wearing Birkenstocks.
[Mind you, so was Jill, albeit expensive Heidi Klum ones]
Yes, with hindsight, the Diet Coke Fountain was a stupid idea as everything fixed up and all the glasses got hidden by fizz and foam.
Yes, importing the wedding cake from Australia was a bloody nightmare.
But even with all that, it was a truly special day to celebrate the best decision of my life.
I still remember the joy my Mum had on her face.
As you can see from the photo below, she was so happy.
Not just that I was getting married … but I was getting married to Jill, who she adored in every possible way from the moment she met her.
Of course I wish Dad could have been there, but we took a photo of him with us and so in a way he was … and that made everything feel complete. What made it even better was Jill had her parents there, who hadn’t been in the same room together – as one lives in Australia and the other in Canada – for over 20 years, so it really was a family affair.

Marriage gets a tough wrap these days.
But for me, it has been amazing.
And while Jill and I were living together for years before we made it official, making it official did change things.
I don’t know why given not much changed.
And I don’t know if I can properly put into words what did change.
But for me, it led to a greater feeling of commitment … a deeper connection … a bit more wonderful. Now marriage is a deeply personal affair and people will have many different perspectives, but from mine, I can tell you it was – and remains – the best thing I have done.
Even more than buying Audi’s and Robot Dogs.
THAT’S how brilliant it is.
But while that day all those years ago is filled with wonderful moments, I have to say the one that sticks out the most is when my colleague, Angela, came to the restaurant straight from the gym … thinking it would be a couple of drinks before she could go home.
I love that she stayed when she realised what was going on.
I love that she stayed when she realised how she looked.
I love that she didn’t hit me when I mentioned it in my speech.
Because while she was mortified to turn up to a wedding in her post-gym sweats … ironically it made it even more perfect for us.
So thank you Angela.
But most of all, thank you Jill.
Happy anniversary my wonderful wife. I bloody love you.
[Even though I know you will have forgotten it’s our anniversary, haha]
Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, Attitude & Aptitude, Comment, Otis, Planners Making A Complete Tit Of Themselves And Bless
A week or so ago, Otis was telling me about a magic trick he saw at school.
He was amazed by it.
Apparently some magicians came in to assembly and showed the school a book that was in black and white and then – at the flick of a wand – turned into colour.
So I said to him, was it something like this …
He watched transfixed before shouting with sheer joy …
“Yes Daddy, that’s it. THAT’S IT!”
So I said to him …
“Well if you like that, you may like this from a long time ago” …
He laughed and laughed and laughed, then asked me what it was.
So I told him that years ago, in 2007 in fact, a group of people did this thing called iPod Singing, which was the latest wonderfully bonkers ideas from Marcus Brown.
He looked at me for a second and said,
“Were those videos Marcus Brown?”
“No” …” I replied, “… they were of me”.
Silence.
Bit more silence.
Look of confusion and amazement on his face.
“But it didn’t look like you or sound like you Daddy”.
I looked at Jill.
“Well your voice has changed over they years”, she said.
Jesus Christ …
And while I would like to think this means I could be James Bond, the reality is I now understand why tax departments in every country I’ve lived give me shit. Because every year, it appears they think the person who has to pay their bill isn’t the person who is stood in front of them saying, “I’ve paid, I’ve paid”.
So thank you Marcus for revealing how my son only recognises me from 2014 … which is handy given all the shit I want him not to see when he’s older.

So no posts till Tuesday.
While this is good news for you, spare a thought for my poor wife, who has to deal with me for FOUR DAYS IN A ROW. And she thought moving to NZ put an end to that. Cue: Evil Laugh.

