Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, Attitude & Aptitude, Confidence, Culture, Dad, Daddyhood, Education, England, Family, Happiness, Innocence, Insight, Jill, Love, Mum, Mum & Dad, Otis, Parents, Relevance, Resonance, Standards, Unexpected Relevance
As I’ve written before, I didn’t go to University. I knew pretty early on that I didn’t want to continue my formal education.
That doesn’t mean I didn’t/don’t like to learn, it just means I find it far more powerful when it’s not in an academic environment.
I still remember telling my parents my decision and being slightly scared.
They desperately wanted me to go so I was worried they would see this as a slight on them – which is absolutely not what it was meant to be.
They asked for my reasons and when I told them, they said that they would support my decision as long as I applied in case I changed my mind.
So I did.
And I got accepted.
But I was still sure not going was the right thing for me, so my parents – while obviously disappointed – supported my decision and never brought it up again.
Looking back now, I feel that must have been very hard for them.
At that point, going to university was the fast track to a career and yet – as another act of their love and confidence in me – they pushed me to follow the things that genuinely interested and excited me and hoped it would all work out.
I’d say it did.
But now I’m a dad and while Otis is only 3, the thought of education looms large.
Would I do the same thing as him?
Of course I want to help equip my son in the best way possible for the life he wants to lead and one of those ways is to provide him with a good education. But the fact is I’m vehemently opposed to private education and while general access schools can be very good, the reality is private tends to offer better opportunities simply because of the funding and the facilities … which leads to an interesting conflict.
What’s best for my son versus what’s true to me?
Given Otis is so young right now, the decision will ultimately be mine and his Mum’s, but once he’s older, what do I do if he chooses a path I feel is not in his best interests.
Sure, it worked out for me, but the World was different back then and then I saw the ‘god’ instagram above – a sentiment that was absolutely reinforced by our recent America In The Raw research – and realised that by the time he has to make some choices, he will be far more aware of what he needs to do to increase his odds of success than his Mum or me.
But then I realised something else …
It’s not just about acknowledging their view of their World will be better than yours, it’s also backing your parenting.
When my Mum and Dad supported my decision, they were ultimately supporting how they raised me.
They believed the values and smarts they’d instilled in me were the right ones to enable me to make the right choices … and while I know they would have been there if it all fell down, that sense of confidence and belief probably enabled me to go to places I might otherwise not have done. Places I might not otherwise have felt I deserved to be.
And that’s why backing your team is everything.
Of course you have to instill values and standards into them, but once that’s done, you have to back them including what they think is right – even if you don’t – because if that doesn’t happen, you’re literally stopping their potential rather than liberating it.
Thank you Mum and Dad. Again.
Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, America, Attitude & Aptitude, Comment, Culture, Daddyhood, Goodbye China, Happiness, Hello America, Jill, LaLaLand, Mum & Dad, My Fatherhood, Parents, Paul
So this is it, the last post of the year.
And what a year it has been.
The biggest thing was obviously leaving a company I loved in a country I loved to move my family to the other side of the World to start a new adventure.
The impact of that move has been bigger than we thought or expected.
For me personally, it has revealed a bunch of insecurities and self-doubt that I thought I had kidded myself into believing I’d kept locked away for good.
I was wrong.
However 6 months in, not only do we feel settled and confident about where we are, what we’re doing and what we want to do … we are reminded of the reasons we made such a major move on an almost daily basis.
Put simply, Otis has literally blossomed living a healthier, outdoor life and while we will always miss many of the parts of the life we enjoyed in China, his happiness and well-being makes the move worth while.
Of course that won’t be enough to make us stay here forever …
If truth be told, we’re wanderers so the idea of staying in one place forever freaks us out. Or at least me.
Don’t get me wrong, we are loving our life in America and are incredibly grateful to be here, but the reality is it’s probably not our long, long-term home so in the time we are here, our goal is to enjoy the opportunity, get as much out of the opportunity and make as much of a difference because of the opportunity as we can.
[For the record, I reserve the right to delete the above sentence because if moving countries again ever becomes a real possibility, I imagine the idea of leaving a house next to the beach – see photo at the top of this post, a photo I took on my way to work – to go some place in the middle of nowhere will suddenly feel a lot less appealing]
And one of those opportunities that has presented itself is having my best friend come to visit us over Christmas.
In all the time I’ve known Paul – 47 years – he has not once spent Christmas with me.
Or me with him.
Sure we have met up on Christmas day for a drink or to swap presents, but we have never spent the whole holidays together.
More than that, in my 7 years living in China, he didn’t visit us once.
NOT ONCE.
His wonderful wife did – twice in fact – but not Paul, but now we’re in LA – where even in winter it’s sunny and beautiful – he’s on the first fucking plane over here.
And despite that showing me he’s a ‘using little prince’, I’m happy.
Ridiculously happy.
As is Otis …
For us, having Otis ‘odd parents’ [we’re not religious and they’re definitely odd] come stay is the perfect way to end a particularly interesting year.Ever since my Dad died in January ’99, Christmas lost its power.
Sure, I still looked forward to it, but it was always underpinned by the feeling it was when my Dad fell ill for the final time.
However since Otis came on the scene, that darkness has been broken and I fully expect this year – in a proper house with my family and the people who feel like family even though they’re not – to be the one where that spirit of the holiday truly comes back into force.
I’m grateful for that too.
As I am for everyone who has looked out for me, my wonderful wife, my epic Son and even my pampered princess of a cat, Rosie.
Whether it was in comments on this blog or conversations over the year.
Which is why I wish you all a wonderful holiday season and – even more importantly – a wonderful year ahead.
For a boy from Nottingham who wasn’t very good at school, I do feel I hit the jackpot and while there are many reasons for that, a big part is the community I feel a part of which has been formed – in part – through the insults thrown at me on this blog.
Long may they continue. [I know they will]
With that, I leave you with a family photo we recently took to commemorate our ‘LA life’.
All was good until we discovered that every shot clearly highlighted my poor choice of t-shirt.
Shit! Literally.
Happy Christmas everyone.
Happy New Year.
See you in January.
PS: To my darling Clare Pickens, I know today is your last day at Wieden Amsterdam. I can tell you, it will be as emotional to everyone there – and beyond – as it is to you. You’re an absolute legend and I’m so, so glad you’re in my life. And have put up with me. See you soon. Love ya.
Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, America, Attitude & Aptitude, Babies, Birkenstocks, Childhood, Comment, Culture, Dad, Daddyhood, Empathy, Equality, Experience, Family, Innocence, Jill, Love, Mum, Mum & Dad, My Fatherhood, Parents
So for the past 2 days I’ve been writing a lot about equality.
It’s a subject very close to my heart.
To be honest, it always has been but being a Father has raised it’s importance.
In some ways, having Otis grow up in China made things easier as it meant he was exposed to different cultures from day 1 but I didn’t want to take that for granted, so when we knew we were going to move to the US, I spoke to a friend of mine – a Brit, who is black and lives in the US – about the [thankfully small] issues his kids faced being in the US and what he thought parents should teach their kids to stop that happening.
His response was phenomenal.
In essence there were 2 parts.
The first was the obvious one – treat every person from every culture the same way – with respect, appreciation and consideration.
So far so good … but it was the next bit that really made an impact.
Don’t tell Otis different cultures are all the same.
Don’t ‘whitewash’ our differences, acknowledge them … enrich Otis with understanding about different cultures history, struggles and values.
Or said another way … celebrate the differences but treat everyone the same.
Brilliant.
Absolutely brilliant.
In a World where so much hate is built simply on ‘being different’, helping break down those walls through knowledge and understanding is even more powerful than just saying ‘don’t see the colour, see the person’.
Of course it’s vital to treat people the same, but understanding the background isn’t just a mark of respect – it’s a way to celebrate strengths and understand behaviours that you may otherwise judge for no other reason than your own in-built prejudices.
So among Otis’ books on animals and dinosaurs and Peppa fucking Pig, he has books that explore the cultures associated with Africa [‘Africa Is Not A Country’ & ‘Sundiata’], Mexico [‘Tequila Worm’] and the Middle East [‘My Fathers Shop’].
Now I appreciate some people may think we are going a bit over-the-top with this.
After all, Otis is only 2 and a half.
But, as I have written before, I’ve learnt not to care what others think.
I’ve learnt people often mistake being a parent with being an ‘expert’ on kids.
I’ve also learnt kids develop so many of their behaviours by being masters of mimicking how their parents behave.
[Jill hopes she can stop him fall victim to ironic t-shirts and Birkenstocks]
At the end of the day, we believe we have a responsibility to him – and society as a whole – to encourage the values and beliefs that can enable him to be a good human being … someone who doesn’t just contribute to society in terms of what he achieves, but in terms of what he helps others achieve.
Of course we know he will face challenges.
Peer pressure. Unexpected circumstances. The allure of mischief.
And while we can’t dictate how he handles those things, we hope we can prepare him to deal with them in a way where he can hold his head high … which is why on top of being loving, supporting parents, we will buy him books on understanding different cultures, give him dolls to play with and encourage him to play with his beloved pink kitchen.
Being a Father is one of the most amazing things that has happened in my life.
I feel embarrassed to admit I had no idea how good it would be … and while being a good parent is basically a matter of trying things with good intent, I want to say a big thank you to Karrelle Dixon … because he may not realise it, but he made a big difference to how my little boy will grow up. Not in terms of respect, but in terms of understanding … and when you think about it, that’s one of the most wonderful gifts you can give anyone.
I hope my parents would think we’re doing good with their grandson.
I think they would.
Filed under: Attitude & Aptitude, Context, Culture, Daddyhood, Family, Innocence, Jill, Love, Mum & Dad, My Fatherhood, Parents, Prejudice, Sexism, Social Divide
I love my son.
I love him so much.
He is such a sweet kid.
Sure he’s a bit cheeky and a bit mischievous, but he’s just a lovely little boy.
I want his innocence and wonder to never leave him – but sadly, I know it will.
I also know things I’d never wish on anyone will happen to him.
Bullying.
Heartbreak.
Sadness.
And all I can do is try to prepare him for it in a way where he knows he can come through the other side.
Of course part of that will be by making sure he knows he is loved and supported unconditionally by his parents … the other part is making sure he is brought up with as much openness as possible.
One of those things is him understanding men and women are equal.
As I wrote about a while ago, my wife and I have had some stick from relative strangers in how we’re bringing Otis up.
One of the things they’ve ‘questioned’ is why we let Otis play with dolls and brooms, why we bought him a kitchen set and why we let him dance wherever and whenever the mood takes him.
Of course it’s none of their fucking business … but the fact is, we don’t want Otis to grow up thinking boys do this and girls do that and seeing our little boy being as happy playing with dolls as he is with his iPad is utterly wonderful.
I have to admit, I find the level of sexism around me frightening. I find it especially bad when I hear it from a man who has daughters. I literally cannot understand that.
And yet many ignore it exists.
They say any wrong behaviour is ‘cultural’ rather than sexist.
Of course there are cultural traits that define gender roles – especially in Asia – but that doesn’t mean they’re right or you have to carry on with them, even more so when you are not from this part of the World.
And yet it is everywhere – even in supposedly liberal and developed nations, as this wonderful piece by Hillary Clinton shows.
While Hillary says the way women are judged differently to men is ‘not bad, just a fact’, I find it deplorable.
But it’s true.
I remember having to tell one of my talented female planners to clap her hands a bit differently because it looked too much like a little girl and a bunch of sexist pricks would then judge her for that. I hated having to do that … but there was no way I was going to let this talented individual be ignored just because they had decided the way she applauds looks juvenile.
And that’s why I like what Cindy Gallop is doing.
Or what she’s trying to do.
My problem is she’s treating all white men as the enemy which, in my opinion, not only doesn’t serve her purpose any good, but is the sort of generalised bollocks that certain white men have treated females.
And that’s why Otis is being raised to see equality not prejudice … because values, roles and/or potential shouldn’t be evaluated or judged by gender or demographic, even if the way society operates – including those supposedly fighting against it – wants to keep that the norm.