Filed under: Attitude & Aptitude, Comment, Daddyhood, Family, Mum & Dad, Otis, Parents
So today will be the last post for a while.
Surprisingly, it is not because I’m going on holiday, it is because my beloved Otis needs a little operation and we’re going to have it done in Australia.
Just to be clear, it is a little operation but it still scares me to death.
Part of that is because I don’t want any child of 23 months to require a general anaesthetic.
Part of that is because I don’t want to see the worry and concern in my wonderful wife’s eyes.
Part of that is because the last time I was in a hospital, my beloved Mum died.
Part of that is because we just love him so so much.
And while I appreciate that compared to many, our situation is not very dramatic … it is a very concerning time for us right now, so wish us luck.
If things all go well [and they will, they will] then this blog will be back on December 5th but until then, I’d like to leave you with one of my favourite videos of my brilliant son.
I love it for so many reasons.
His enthusiasm.
His unadulterated joy.
His participation … both in [Chinese] words and actions.
The way he quickly adapts to the dance when he makes a mistake at around 55 seconds.
And then, at 1 minute 2 seconds, when he morphs into a dance that Bez from The Happy Mondays would be proud of before hearing the music start again [1 minute 12 seconds] and bopping his head to the beat.
Otis, you’re perfect to your Mummy and Daddy … never forget that.
Filed under: Comment, Dad, Daddyhood, Family, Jill, Mum, Mum & Dad, Otis, Parents
Oh Mum.
How I miss you.
I am in a better place than I was this time last year, but you are always in my thoughts.
I continually tell Jill how much I would have loved you to meet Otis.
He’s such a lovely little boy.
Cheeky but oh-so-sweet.
He can throw a temper tantrum in 0.3 milliseconds, but will always say “thank you” [in a weird Americanesque accent] the moment you do anything for him … from giving him a drink to opening the front door.
I think about what you’d say if you saw him.
How you’d look.
And I know the pride and joy on your face would be both for how wonderful your grandson is and how well you think I – your son – am doing with him.
Of course we both would know so much of it is down to Jill, but if I’m doing anything right [and if you read tomorrow’s post, you’ll realise that is questionable] it is down to the love and support I felt from you and Dad throughout my childhood.
The love and support I still feel, despite you both being gone.
And that’s why I’m wishing you a happy birthday … not just because I love you and I miss you, but because your presence is still with me and always will be, which is probably the best testimony I can give to you as a person and as a parent.
I am honoured that I was able to call you my Mum.
You were an amazing lady and a fabulous Mum in every possible way … even if you never thought you were and would be telling me to stop with all the compliments.
So Happy birthday Mum, tell Dad to give you an extra kiss from me. Love you. Rx
Filed under: Attitude & Aptitude, Context, Culture, Daddyhood, Family, Innocence, Jill, Love, Mum & Dad, My Fatherhood, Parents, Prejudice, Sexism, Social Divide
I love my son.
I love him so much.
He is such a sweet kid.
Sure he’s a bit cheeky and a bit mischievous, but he’s just a lovely little boy.
I want his innocence and wonder to never leave him – but sadly, I know it will.
I also know things I’d never wish on anyone will happen to him.
Bullying.
Heartbreak.
Sadness.
And all I can do is try to prepare him for it in a way where he knows he can come through the other side.
Of course part of that will be by making sure he knows he is loved and supported unconditionally by his parents … the other part is making sure he is brought up with as much openness as possible.
One of those things is him understanding men and women are equal.
As I wrote about a while ago, my wife and I have had some stick from relative strangers in how we’re bringing Otis up.
One of the things they’ve ‘questioned’ is why we let Otis play with dolls and brooms, why we bought him a kitchen set and why we let him dance wherever and whenever the mood takes him.
Of course it’s none of their fucking business … but the fact is, we don’t want Otis to grow up thinking boys do this and girls do that and seeing our little boy being as happy playing with dolls as he is with his iPad is utterly wonderful.
I have to admit, I find the level of sexism around me frightening. I find it especially bad when I hear it from a man who has daughters. I literally cannot understand that.
And yet many ignore it exists.
They say any wrong behaviour is ‘cultural’ rather than sexist.
Of course there are cultural traits that define gender roles – especially in Asia – but that doesn’t mean they’re right or you have to carry on with them, even more so when you are not from this part of the World.
And yet it is everywhere – even in supposedly liberal and developed nations, as this wonderful piece by Hillary Clinton shows.
While Hillary says the way women are judged differently to men is ‘not bad, just a fact’, I find it deplorable.
But it’s true.
I remember having to tell one of my talented female planners to clap her hands a bit differently because it looked too much like a little girl and a bunch of sexist pricks would then judge her for that. I hated having to do that … but there was no way I was going to let this talented individual be ignored just because they had decided the way she applauds looks juvenile.
And that’s why I like what Cindy Gallop is doing.
Or what she’s trying to do.
My problem is she’s treating all white men as the enemy which, in my opinion, not only doesn’t serve her purpose any good, but is the sort of generalised bollocks that certain white men have treated females.
And that’s why Otis is being raised to see equality not prejudice … because values, roles and/or potential shouldn’t be evaluated or judged by gender or demographic, even if the way society operates – including those supposedly fighting against it – wants to keep that the norm.
Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, Babies, Empathy, Family, Fatherhood, Jill, Mum, Mum & Dad, My Fatherhood, Otis, Parents
So this is going to be a weird post, but it’s an important one.
You see a few weeks ago, my wife wrote this …
“As I nursed my baby into toddlerhood I noticed a shift in the messages from outside voices. From supportive and encouraging in the newborn days to surprised, questioning or doubtful once he was a walking, talking toddler.
I like to think that most people want to help with their comments or advice, maybe they worry that our ‘extended’ nursing could somehow impact negatively on my son, after all, it’s not what most people do… Dependence seems to be something a lot of them are concerned about.
I want to show them how my beautiful, sweet, spirited, glorious little boy greets the world (and taxi drivers) with a wide smile or a cheeky ‘Ni Hao!’… how he chants ‘run, run!’ as his still chubby legs stride ever faster down little hills … how he bops and boogies to every kind of music, at every opportunity, in every environment … how he sometimes forgets to even look back to find me because he’s exploring his amazing, ever expanding world … but I guess they’re not completely wrong about him being dependent on me.
He depends on me for comfort, safety, security & connection when he’s sad or tired or hurt or frustrated or overwhelmed. As long as nursing provides this place of refuge for my precious boy I’m ecstatic I can be there for him. So I want those out there who question or doubt or suspect to know, we’re doing great thanks, our version of dependence is exactly as it should be …”
OK … OK … so she writes much better than me, but the fact is, I have been shocked how many people feel they have a right to be a judge on my sons upbringing just because they have their own child.
I accept most of them do it in a well-intentioned way [and fortunately, most of our friends have said, “the best rule to parenting is to only follow your rules and ignore everyone else”] but there has been more than a few – often relative strangers – who have used a judgemental tone or look when they’ve discovered we don’t agree with letting our son ‘cry himself to sleep’, let alone play with dolls or dance whenever music is on.
But here’s the big thing …
Given 50% of Otis is from me, the fact he is turning out to be such an amazing, wonderful little boy means it is 100% down to how Jill.
What she wrote is not an attempt to say ‘our way is the right way’, the purpose of it is to remind people that we have the right to decide what is the right way for us.
But what I find even more amazing is that given how well Otis is turning out, those who challenge our approach are trying to find fault in perfection … so I’d just like them to do me a favour and be an expert on their children, rather than other people’s, though this ‘know when to talk and know when to shut up’ could apply to far more than just raising children as I am sure many of you can appreciate.
Filed under: Attitude & Aptitude, Comment, Culture, Emotion, Empathy, Family, Friendship, Insight, Love
… I do feel this is a very insightful comment.
Of course there are many factors contributing to societies worship of ‘things’ … from the way many treat and regard the poor [which makes the acquisition of ‘things’ appear the path to social acceptance] to the large number of communities who literally see no positive future for them or their loved ones to the many people who grow up feeling a lack of love and support from their families.
Basically, I feel we need to press a giant reset button … but given the best chance of that was when we discovered the banks had fucked us all over and yet we [1] didn’t take any real action against the guilty and [2] we have ended up carrying on as we were before [possibly because there were no implications to those who had caused this mess] I doubt we will get that for a long, long time.
Which means our only hope is us.
And love.
In the end, it always comes down to that.