The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Oh yes, at 10:10pm, GMT, I officially turn 41.

Hang on, FORTY FUCKING ONE???

That means it’s only 9 years till I’m 50 … and 29 years till I’m mature.

How the hell did that happen?

9 years is nothing and yet it’ll pass in what will seem like the blink-of-an-eye, so the minimum number of goals I must of achieved by then are:

1/ Prepare for my retirement.
2/ After training to be a teacher.
3/ See Ghostbusters. [I promised Graeme Douglas]
4/ Marry Angelina. Or at least give her a couple.
5/ Have a kid. [Not with Angelina, she’s got enough]
6/ Do my timesheets.
7/ Have money saved for their future.
8/ Get a real job.

Fuck. I’m destined for unwhelming, underachieving failure.

Say it quickly. Go on …

That’s right, sounds like DEEP POO.

I don’t know if I’d buy it, but I sure as shit would remember it.

Of course that sounds like I’m endorsing what I always slag off, which is basically this attitude that as long as you grab attention, it doesn’t matter – even if it undermines the potential value of the brand – however obviously I’m not, I’m taking the piss, which obviously would require DEEPOO’s biggest competitor, DEEPWEE to clean up.

And before you think I’m being mean to Chinese manufacturers, I’m not, I’m being mean to Spanish manufacturers … which shows [1] how important it is to get an understanding of brand name meaning when selling brands internationally, [2] how ‘naming strategies’ are – if done by a major brand consultancy – a waste of time and money] and [3] how utterly pathetic and petty I am.

That fact both blows my mind and freaks me out.

When I first saw – and used – a fax machine, probably before most of you bastards were born, it was like I was in the presence of 28th century technology.

Sure we had phones that allowed us to talk to people anywhere in the World, but this was something that let you send words and pictures.

WORDS AND PICTURES!!!

DOWN A FUCKING PHONE LINE!!!!

IN REAL TIME!!!

AMAZING!!!

Now you might think things like email has made things both more efficient and more user friendly – and on one level you’d be right – but even though email doesn’t need special paper or give you an engaged tone or only let you send one page at a time [which you have to stand over to make sure it goes through], it also doesn’t let you get up to the same sort of mischief fax machines used to let you get away with … like printing a message on a few pieces of paper and then looping them together so they go through the fax machine over and over again resulting in some poor sap at the other end of the line getting pages upon pages upon pages of an obscene and inappropriate message.

Not that I ever did that. Oh no, that was Andy and Julian.

And email doesn’t let you ring your parents from an office in Australia because the company forgot to put the IDD security code on them.

Fax machines do. Well, some of them anyway.

I did do that, Multiple times. Sorry WPP.

So while fax machines may now appear like 18th century technology, they will always hold a special place in my heart because unlike modern technology, they weren’t user friendly or effortless to use, so every time I successful fed a document through it’s weird green glow, I got to feel like I ruled over the technology rather than the technology ruling over me … and while that might sound unbelievably sad, it’s better feeling a slave to the never ending flow of information, requests and demands.

Besides, when you work with tech that’s painful, you look for ways to ‘get one over on it’ which is why loop faxes and international phonecalls got to happen – at least that’s my excuse.

We have the F.A. [the most apt initials ever to grace an organisation], British government ministers, ex-footballers, television shows and newspapers all banging on about how fucked up the FIFA organisation is … and while they are [probably] right, I find it quite amusing that all this momentum has occurred only after England had another World Cup bid fail.

They say a principal is only a principal when it costs you something … well given the allegations against FIFA have been around for years [exemplified by Andrew Jennings wonderful expose, ‘Foul’] it’s funny the British World Cup contingent didn’t feel it was an issue when they were still in the running to host the biggest competition on earth.

This situation isn’t that far removed from many agency pitches.

So many companies talk about how they’re looking for an agency that will give them great strategy and innovative ideas and then end up plumping for a firm that will give them another piece of non-descript 30″ television advertising wallpaper because they’re either cheap, willing to put up with whatever shit is thrown at them or there’s an existing relationship between the 2 firms at a very senior level.

The thing is, so many people in adland are aware of this reality and yet they choose to ignore the situation either because they need to be seen to be playing the game or they’re willing to sell their grandmother into slavery for a bit more income, regardless of the negative impact it has on their employees or they believe their strategic/creative brilliance will change the pre-determined outcome – and while that might happen, it’s sadly the exception rather than the rule which means a lot of people will spend a lot of time and effort doing something that has little chance of ever achieving the collective goal.

What a waste of time and talent.

To be honest, I quite admire the agencies that win these sorts of clients because they demonstrate a much better ability to read clients true agendas than those agencies who ignore all the signs and go with producing yet another ad campaign regardless of the problem.