The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Because I’m A Humble And Subtle Person …
June 10, 2011, 6:23 am
Filed under: Comment

… I won’t mention it’s MY BIRTHDAY ON SUNDAY!!!

Oh yes, at 10:10pm, GMT, I officially turn 41.

Hang on, FORTY FUCKING ONE???

That means it’s only 9 years till I’m 50 … and 29 years till I’m mature.

How the hell did that happen?

9 years is nothing and yet it’ll pass in what will seem like the blink-of-an-eye, so the minimum number of goals I must of achieved by then are:

1/ Prepare for my retirement.
2/ After training to be a teacher.
3/ See Ghostbusters. [I promised Graeme Douglas]
4/ Marry Angelina. Or at least give her a couple.
5/ Have a kid. [Not with Angelina, she’s got enough]
6/ Do my timesheets.
7/ Have money saved for their future.
8/ Get a real job.

Fuck. I’m destined for unwhelming, underachieving failure.

On the positive side, I’m still younger than Andy so life is pretty good.


36 Comments

heres 10 reasons why i dont give a fuck im older than you. ten. thats two more than the total number of reasons you managed to scrape together.

1) i dont write this major fucking bollocks blog.
2) i dont listen to shitty queen.
3) or wear birkenfuckingstocks.
4) im popular.
5) i can look at myself in the fucking mirror in the morning.
6) im not from nottingham.
7) and dont give a fuck about those football failures forest.
8 i live in a place with proper fucking internet speeds
9) im not a fucking planner.

and finally, my fucking trump card. im not rob fucking campbell.

hope no fucker spoils you a fucking inch.

apart from that happy birthday campbell, somewhere deep fucking down is a good bastard who im sometimes proud to call my friend.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’m having ‘one of those days’ … so do your worst, I have far people who are far more deserving of being smashed in their fucking face than you. Sorry, I know you try, but you let yourself down by being a relatively nice person underneath it all. Or at least away from blogs.

Comment by Rob

never fucking say that about me again or ill fucking sue your fucking lardy arse to within an inch of its life. whatever the fuck that even means.

Comment by andy@cynic

what do you mean “destined” to be an unwhelming, underachieving failure? youve fucking achieved that with fucking bells and ribbons on it.

Comment by andy@cynic

The best present my parents gave me was not being you.

Happy no drinking birthday for sunday.

Comment by Billy Whizz

you have no fucking idea how lucky you are. you might be a fucked up drunkard twat, but youre not as bad as campbell and thats something you should never ever fucking forget.

Comment by andy@cynic

Happy new gadget sunday. Looking forward to sharing a diet coke with ice and no lemon soon.

Comment by George

ill need a fucking whisky. a bottle of it. in a different fucking bar than you two are in.

Comment by andy@cynic

You will be relieved to hear you’re not invited then.

Comment by George

we all fucking know without me youre nothing.

besides, no fucker can stand being with mr diet coke for more than 3 minutes so youll come calling. or crawling.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’m just coming to terms with #5.

Comment by DH

how the fuck did i let that escape me. that means he has finally managed to drug jill enough to want to procreate with the fucker. lucky for her his sperm will take on his work ethic and be too fucking lazy to leave the end of his dick let alone fertilise any fucking egg.

what bothers me more is his #7. after the amount of cash he pulled out of my fucking wallet and the coin hes getting from dan wiedens fucking pension scheme, if hes not rich enough to retire now, the rest of the fucking world might as well kill themselves.

bastard.

Comment by andy@cynic

But happy birthday for sunday. It must drive you mad to write this post before the big day because you know no one will bother to send you any messages on the actual day.

Comment by DH

that is a fucking good point dave. fucking good. he must be grinding his fucking molars in frusfuckingtration.

Comment by andy@cynic

Happy birthday for Sunday Robert.
Sending you big hugs and kisses.
Jemma x

Comment by Jemma King

fuck me the bombshell comes out of fucking retirement. for campbell. thats charity right fucking there folks. when are you coming to buy me a fucking expensive lunch?

Comment by andy@cynic

Happy birthday for Sunday Rob. I am sure Jill will spoil you, but that could be because her birthday is a few days after yours and she is making sure she gets rewarded equally.

Comment by Pete

jill should know by now that campbell isnt the fucking sort to let “doing the honourable thing” get in the way of doing the right fucking thing. especially when some poor fucker has already shown their hand and lavished goods and love he doesnt fucking deserve all over him. british fucking mps are more fucking respectful with their dodgy fucking expense claims than him.

Comment by andy@cynic

I find out how much she’s spent on my gift and spend approximately 50% of that value on her.

Comment by Rob

Happy birthday for Sunday Robert

#MoodOn

Comment by unknown

Best wishes for Sunday.

Comment by Lee Hill

Can’t wait for my platinum super pass birthday card.

Comment by Rob

I’m ignoring Andy.
Happy Birthday.
I’m enjoying the fact you’re having a mid-life crisis in reverse. While most people suddenly do ridiculous grasping at youth things, here’s you grasping at age (the Angelina thing notwithstanding and we all know you put that bit up because you’ve no chance, even if you name drop Ron Howard)

Comment by northern

If I own a Volvo by Monday, please kill me.

Comment by Rob

I own a Volvo, what exactly are you trying to infer here?

Comment by northern

Hopefully I’m totally inferring, rather than only attempting to. Is it beige?

Comment by Rob

Happy Birthday on Sunday Rob. June 12th, just like my daddy..

I’ll say a prayer first with everybody around and sneak out later for a toast with Jeb, hehehehehe

Comment by George W Bush

Could you send me some good ol’ Texan ribs?

Comment by Rob

All Volvo’s are beige aren’t they. If you did own a Volvo on Monday it would be a ‘pretending’ not to be over 40 camouglage or modified to look like a fucking Dalek n’est pas?
(I don’t own a Volvo really, I just wanted to see what you’d say. I do own a Renault Scenic which probably even duller)

Comment by northern

Renaults are not Volvos. You’re safe.

Comment by Rob

The dalek has gone. Sold on for a 100% profit in 6 months.

There are even sadder people out there than planners. Who knew.

Comment by Rob

Happy Birthday, Rob, you old bastard.

Comment by Paul H. Colman

Happy Birthday darling! i suppose you’re lucky that i’m having some problems with my contacts synching and i no longer have your mobile number. otherwise, you may have received a throaty, marilyn monroe-style version of ye olde happy birthday song. at 1am on a sunday morning.

so, here’s the spirit of that call, on here.

that list is a very sensible list, rob. where the hell is the youthful, weird, nerdy shit you should be doing (ghostbusters doesn’t count – that’s penance for a grave oversight)? i’m sorry, but if you’re ‘old’ by the time you’re 50, i’m outta here.

have a great day today – you awesome marshmallow. xx

Comment by lauren

happy birthday robert!

http://youtu.be/mClMVyl1OmQ

Comment by winnie d. pooh

Happy Birthday Rob. I know I don’t say this to often, but thankfully some wise man decided people are only allowed one birthday a year so I don’t have to…

As for the list.. whoever is going be the recipient/consequence of your actions and ideas is a lucky fuck… I mean you are the guy who writes loveposts about fax machines and calculators.. Imagine what nice people will spark..

So a toast to you, mate..

I hope you are are having a shamelessly debauched birthday (milking it with the old time zones excuse to last as long as possible)…you deserve it.

Comment by niko




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