The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

You could say that is my first mistake.

However, I have followed them since 1978 [when they were good] and so I’m pretty much too far gone to change sides now.

The past 20 years have been rough.

Sure, in comparison to an unemployed dad who has 3 kids to raise, it’s not been that bad – however whereas once we were the proud Kings of Europe, we’re now the poor cousins of the Midlands.

From European Champions to League 1 regulars [or old league 2] in a few decades.

No winner of a major European Cup has ended up so low in a league.

No one.

Not one.

Which is another accolade we can add to the list of disappointments.

But despite all that, I still continue to throw my money at them.

Season tickets, internet access, merchandise … and then there’s the emotional expense where I spend countless nights huddled around a computer listening to them flatter to deceive once again.

But the last couple of seasons have had their ups.

2 years ago – after scraping survival in the Championship league – we started the season by buying 9 – YES NINE – players and then shock everyone by getting into the Premiership playoffs.

Of course we fucked it up – but despite the disappointment, we were so happy not to be fighting off relegation, we all left with smiles on our faces.

Here was a team on the up.

New players … a strong and successful manager [Billy Davies] … a multi-millionaire owner … it only needed a little push and we’d finally be back in the big time.

Except that push didn’t happen.

There was big talk …

The clubs Managing Director [not the team manager] spouted off a whole list of major names on their ‘wish list’ but in the end, it seemed their wishes weren’t shared by the players because apart from 1 loanee signing, we started off the season with no one new.

And yet, despite having the rug pulled from underneath us before the league had even started, we ended the season – yet again – in a playoff position.

But this time it was different.

OK, not everything was different because yet again we lost out in the playoffs – however what was new was that this time, instead of hearing our players excited about playing for the ultimate prize, we heard news of senior and pivotal players not being offered new contracts.

Sure, you could say the club were waiting until they knew their fate before offering them, but imagine if you were a player and you didn’t know if you were going to be in a job in a few weeks … would you really care whether they achieved their goal or not?

And now here we are …

At a time where you should be excited about the players that you hear might be coming in, all we’re hearing is of players leaving because they’re sick of how the club have treated them or how we’re going after lower league transfers because ‘they’re cheaper’ or – and this blows my mind – how the club might sack the manager because despite being the most successful guy they’ve had in 12 years, his outspokeness has upset the Managing Director.

I say we hear this, but actually we only hear it from other sources because the club is saying nothing.

It’s not answering the complaints of their once loyal players.

It’s not answering the concerns they may be sacking the best manager we’ve had.

It’s not talking about their plans for the future.

NOTHING.

NOT A BEAN.

I cannot tell you how angry this has made me.

I shouldn’t care … I’ve had years of being disappointed, underwhelmed and given false promises – plus at the end of the day, it’s only a game – however I do care, I love this club, it is both a pillar of where I’m from and who I am and to not even be communicated to by the people who have happily taken my money for 30+ years is a disgrace.

Being wronged is one thing, being wronged and having no one tell you sorry – or even why – is another thing all together.

If I was treated this way by anyone else I’d tell them to fuck off.

I’d never speak to them again.

I’d wish them pain, suffering and misery.

And yet I won’t.

Even though I am seeing a team that was filled with amazing potential, slowly but systematically get taken apart and replaced with shit … even though I am probably going to witness the best manager we’ve had since the genius Cloughy get fired* because the petty, bland, corporate-toady Managing Director didn’t like him … even though I am destined to another decade of gut-wrenching disappointment and failure … I’ll be there.

I’ll buy my season ticket … I’ll get up in the middle of the night to watch the games … I’ll order their merchandise …

Adland likes to talk about brand loyalty but they don’t know shit.

Someone who stays true to a brand despite having them kick you in the face over and over and over again is brand loyalty, buying Colgate fucking toothpaste when you’ve run out of it, isn’t.

Of course football is different to FMCG … sure what I am doing is sad and pathetic … but here’s the thing, why can’t a mass market consumer brand brand attract the same sort of loyalty as I have for Forest?

Bands get it.
Football teams get it.
Even some movie stars get it.
Why not an FMCG?

We have become an industry that acts as if there’s 2 World’s, the ‘real life’ version and the ‘marketing’ version and we have an attitude that they can never, ever meet.

It’s time to stop thinking and acting in this way.

I’m not denying it would be difficult for a soap powder to attract the same sort of loyalty as I have for Nottingham Forest … but by the same token, there’s people all over the World that are doing a whole heap of weird, wonderful and irrational things because of something that means a lot to them … and so if brands truly want to infiltrate into people’s lives, they need to stop putting a lid on trying new things and start comparing themselves to the extremes of loyalty, not the most passive version of it.

While I can’t remember who told me this, I can remember what they said when I asked why …

“Because they make sure everything can be sold”.

They charge a premium for the best cuts.

A good price for the more popular parts.

And then package what’s left over to maximise revenue … from sausages through to ‘stock’ for stew.

In short, one animal can be sold in such a way that the money that it provides more than exceeds the money that it cost to buy.

Now compare that to adland.

Many undercharge what they offer.

Most have to negotiate on what they end up getting.

The profit margin they get is laughable for the time and effort they put in.

And almost everything is created in a bespoke fashion so that once it’s been handed over, it can never be used or sold to someone else again.

Madness.

What’s even funnier is that adland loves to go on and on about how they’re business geniuses but in reality, so much of what they do demonstrates they’re anything but.

When you start a business, cash flow is the killer.

To say you have to watch your income and outgoings is an understatement … and yet I think most agencies would benefit from pretending they were in exactly the same situation.

Why?

Because when you start a business you have 2 choices … go cheap or find ways to make the money you need to do all the things you want.

At cynic we chose the latter.

The problem was, we had so many things we wanted to do, we needed to find ways to make way more money than normal agencies would get from their clients.

And this became our first brief.

WHAT [LEGAL] THINGS CAN WE DO TO GET CLIENTS TO PAY US MORE MONEY?

We weren’t talking about ‘quality of work’ or a ‘clearly defined positioning’ … they were conditions of us wanting to start a company, we were talking about practical things, things we could or should do, that appealed to clients wallets.

And you know what? We came up with shitloads.

Sure some weren’t too successful, I think our ‘loose lips’ campaign – where clients paid us to act as an ‘early negative news warning system’ [remember, this was way before things like Twitter] – got about 10 subscriptions in 8 or so years … however our royalty scheme remuneration policy basically not only kept us in business, but gave us access to the sorts of briefs adland would kill their parents for a shot at.

However the one I want to talk about is how we followed the philosophy of butchers to sell the same research countless times.

When we started, we got quite a lot of projects where companies wanted our view on stuff.

The future of travel.
The definition of service.
The truth behind music choice.

Rather than approach the challenge specifically around our clients request, we thought about who else might find this information valuable and then went off and talked to people [in that industry] to find out what they’d specifically like to know.

Depending on the level of interest [or our ability to pre-sell the report to multiple parties] we would offer our original client the option to pay less for the work if they agreed to letting us reuse/resell the findings … with the guarantee [1] we’d only do this with brands outside of their core category and industry and [2] all confidential data would be removed.

While some clients were skeptical, most were quite happy to do this as the difference in cost was considerable … which meant that once the work was done, we were able to re-edit our findings [because we had included breadth of views and exploration in the overall process] and resell them for a significant fee.

Suddenly our report on the definition of service for Virgin Atlantic was able to be repackaged and sold to McDonalds and W hotels – which meant we had suddenly just tripled our income for not very much extra work.

Of course it didn’t always work out – sometimes we lowered our fee for a client and then found no one else was interested in buying the work we’d done – however this didn’t stop us from trying because as a small business, looking for ways to maximise our income was a necessity, not a luxury.

Everyday clients ask planners for views and perspectives on stuff.

Stuff that goes beyond the category and into understanding everyday life.

And everyday, planners present this information to clients in the knowledge most will nod their head and then place it on their bookshelf, never to be seen again.

Not only does that mean I could come back glowing green with radiation, but the even better news [for you] is that I won’t be writing any posts until I’m back next Monday!

However, between now and then, there are two very special birthdays happening.

One is today, where my lovely wife turns another year older and yet somehow still manages to look like she’s 25.

BITCH.

Anyway, as it’s her special day, she needs a special present, and that’s why I’m whisking her off to Japan.

The slightly less romantic news [or the good, depending on your perspective] is that the trip was planned ages ago because I’ll be spending 2 days in focus groups – so in reality, what Jill is actually getting for her birthday is a free fight to Osaka, a nice hotel and 48 hours to keep herself occupied.

Hey, it’s the thought that counts isn’t it?

So to my darling wife, happy birthday and I’ll try and make it less shit than we both know it probably will be.

The other person whose birthday it will be while I’m away, is my beloved best mate Paul.

Tomorrow the bugger turns 41 and whereas last year I was with him and did the full page newspaper ad thing, this year I won’t be and he’s getting fuck all.

Sorry.

So here’s to birthdays and blog free days. May they be filled with fun, laughter and peace and bloody quiet.

If you’re in adland – especially a planner – it appears the definition revolves around being able to quote the words or actions of someone respected in the industry that you’ve just seen or read about.

Of course there’s nothing wrong with that – especially when it sparks off your own thoughts or actions [because let’s face it, doing things others find interesting is better than simply being known for knowing/repeating interesting things] – however what’s started to bother me is there appears to be some people in our industry who have created an elitist view of who – or what – can be classified as interesting … discarding anyone or anything if they’ve not appeared in Wired, TEDTalks or PSFK or worked in adland [as long as it’s at one of the ‘cool’ agencies] or a highly regarded ‘intellectual’ industry/category.

Interesting isn’t purely about the views and actions of the celebrated or the elite, it does – and should – include things that come from the masses … those people we walk past every single day without giving them so much as a second glance.

Whether it’s the elderly woman down my road who told me Chinese women always answer to men – initially their father, then their husband, then their son – through to the prostitute who can tell how the economy is doing by the number of foreign businessmen she comes into contact with through to the woman in the documentary I watched who bought a painting at a thrift shop, convinced herself it was a Pollock and then turned down US$9 million for it … there’s something or someone of interest everywhere if we just drop our prejudice, open our eyes and ask the right questions.

Didn’t get any cards or presents from you, but I’m assuming they’re in the post.

Anyway, there is literally no benefit to being 41 so let’s move on and pretend it hasn’t happened.

Deal?

Good.

So in the interests of this post, I want you to imagine we have opened the door of major electrical manufacturers marketing department – let’s say Deepoo.

Cool?

OK, so I shall begin …

Marketing Director: “People, we have something very exciting to announce today, we have perfected our robot vacuum cleaner”.

APPLAUSE RINGS AROUND THE ROOM.

Marketing Director: “No longer will people have to suffer the annoyance and pain of cleaning their house, robovac will do it for them. But we have a problem, who should we target with it? Ideas.”

Marketing Lacky #1: “What about students, they’re lazy fucks and this way they can look clean without the effort?”

Marketing Director: “You fucking idiot, don’t you realise students have no fucking cash and what they do have, they blow on piss, drugs and kebabs.”

Marketing Lacky #2: “But what about after them, when they have a job, won’t they have loads of money for us to rip out of their grubby little hands then?”

Marketing Director: “What the hell is wrong with you people? It costs so much to be a student these days that the fuckers will be working till they retire just to pay off their debt. Hasn’t anyone got any good ideas?”

Marketing Lacky #3: “What about men?”

Marketing Director: “Go on …”

Marketing Lacky #3: “Well they love technology and this is the sort of shit they’d buy. I know at least one person in China who is a dead cert to cough up the cash.”

Marketing Director: “But men hate vacuuming. It’s women’s work. We’ve spent 50 years flogging that myth, why the hell would men start to buy them just because they can be called a ‘robot’?”

Marketing Lacky #3: “Here’s the clever thing, they could buy it and give it their wife and say it’s a present … something to stop them wasting so much time keeping the house spick and span. Something that goes from practical to romantic.”

Marketing Lacky #1: “But robots can’t move furniture like a woman can so the house will never be as clean sir.”

Marketing Director: “SHUTTHEFUCKUP, no one cleans that well anyway unless their mother in law is coming. Carry on Lacky #1”

Marketing Lacky #1: “So as I was saying, we could target men to buy it for their wives. The men get a cool gadget they can tell their mates about, the women get a machine that removes a job removed from their list of chores plus they can tell their friends their husband is both romantic and not stuck in the 1950’s – like their husbands – and we can sell a bundle of the bastards.”

Marketing Director: “Good … good … but don’t women love looking after the house and their family – all our pre-determined research findings says they do.”

Marketing Lacky #3: “Yes, they love it, but they like romance even more.”

Marketing Director: “So how do we make sure they don’t slip into one of their ‘moods’ and see this generous and heart-felt present from their husband as something beautiful, not something they can bitch their man out about?”

Marketing Lacky #3: “Easy sir, make sure it comes in pink, that’s how gullible they are.”

Marketing Director: “You are promoted to head of insight.”

THE ROOM ERUPTS INTO APPLAUSE AS MARKETING LACKY #3 UNVEILS HIS VISION