The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

So Hari has already written about how shite our hotel was in Malaysia – despite being supposedly poncy and expensive – however there was one thing I did like, even though it had bugger all to do with the hotel.

Can you it?

Look closer and you’ll see that on the television remote control were brail symbols for the volume / channel and [out of picture] power buttons.

It’s this sort of attention to detail I love … not just because it is a real product benefit for those who are visually challenged … but because it shows they appreciate just who their customers are and could be.

It’s like Toyota and their RAV 4 jeep thingy.

Because they knew the majority of the sales would come from Mum’s with young kids, they placed little hooks all along the inside of the boot so that when the women went shopping, they could hang their bags over the various hooks ensuring they won’t fall down spilling the contents all over the place.

Lovely.

And then there’s Lexus …

Inside their spare tyre kits are a pair of gloves and a small bottle of water and soap so that if the worst does happen, they can clean themselves up afterwards.

Simple, meaningful, effective.

There are many reasons why Toyota are so successful but one of them is that they really understand the needs and wants of their customers and express it in what they create and do.

They appreciate that they have to MAKE people believe in them … they have no right to simply expect it … and yet this seems to be the exception in business thinking, rather than the rule.

Only today I met a CEO of a massive advertising organisation who talked to me about finding ownable insights for his clients.

Ownable insights? OWNABLE INSIGHTS?  What a complete and utter twat.

You can’t own an insight … they are not something you can buy at a shop … they are things that live within and around all of us, all the time – the best you can do is try and ensure consumers associate particular attitudes/emotions/meanings to your company other than a competitor … and that ain’t ever gonna happen if all you rely on is fucking advertising.

Hell, even NIKE … the blueprint for ad attitude … spends an inordinate amount of time and money on ensuring all they do fulfils the consumer perception – from the products they create and the stars they sponsor through to the events they develop and the ads they produce.

The problem today is that too many companies – and ad people – are so focused on the daily financial fulfilment of business goals, that they forget that a real brand also leaves a ‘positive long[er] lasting impression’ on the consumer. 

Far too often, I see ‘brand’ relegated to a logo or a template or a colour … when in reality, it’s a feeling [or a perceptual memory] in the minds of the consumer that can prove to be the difference between success or failure in the tougher times of business.

You see people own brands … not companies … all an organisation can really do is try and influence how that feeling/memory exists – but to do that properly, they have to DO STUFF, not just say stuff.

In my mind, a successful brand is one that has the love of consumers wallets AND hearts … not one or the other … and they achieve this NOT by just making good products and having great distribution – but by consistently proving they are worthy of consumers belief in them.

So for example, when Tesco’s [many years ago] went to court for the right to import cheap Playstations so they could pass the savings onto their customers – they PROVED they were serious about wanting to give their customers the best deals possible. That’s a damn site better than just bombarding the masses with ads that say “Every Bit Helps”!

I don’t buy into this whole customer relationship marketing … for me it’s all about customer belief marketing … continually proving you are worthy of a customers loyalty by doing things they really want – not doing things you want them to want!

Brands can’t pull the wool over customers long-term … today, if they want to be successful, they HAVE TO FIGHT for that right on a long-term basis – which is why I spend so much time developing real brand philosophies for my clients [not some wanky mission statement]

If I can’t get my clients to demonstrate what they believe/stand for in EVERYTHING they do [be it ads to products to working environment to shareholders to packaging] … then I am failing them and they are failing their customers and shareholders – because the truly great brands motivate people to ‘buy’ rather than continually trying to sell.

Virgin Atlantic vs British Airways

Apple vs Microsoft

Tango vs Coke

IKEA vs DFS

iPOD vs Creative

Triple J vs Nova

Egg vs Barclays

Tesco vs Asda

HBO vs CBS

Lonely Planet vs Thompson

I rest my case and can sleep at night.

Today is one of the biggest sort-of pitches in cynic‘s life and unfortunately I have to keep it all very hush-hush. 

Basically one of the World’s greatest, most famous and cool brands has asked us … and only us … to show them what we‘d do if we were given all their ad business. 

Given they’ve been with their very-good-agency for quite a long time, it’s quite an honour to be invited to chat … but I have to admit I’m somewhat concerned that if we win, it could change the nature of our little company forever.

This isn’t because the client in question is big [hell, we have some massive clients already] it’s because we’ve purposefully tried to keep ourselves ‘underground’ [ie: be the ‘A-Team’ of adland so only those in the know, know who we are and how to get to us*] and if we pull this off it’s going to be such a coup, we’ll instantly be elevated to global ad-fame … which as unbelievable as it may sound, we don’t actually want.

Anyway, I guess we’ll cross that bridge if/when it happens … but in the meantime, can you spare a ‘good-luck thought’ for my wonderful team of boys and girls who – quite frankly – are some of the brightest, loveliest, talented people in the World.

Guys – whatever happens, just make sure you enjoy yourselves, because that’s the most important thing to us.

* Is that the crappest analogy of all time? Mind you we used to say we were the Betty Ford Clinic for the Disenfranchised Adperson!

Yes, it’s of me speaking/ranting at the MediaWorks conference last week … and I have to say it confirms I ain’t no Brad Pitt  – infact even Arm Pitt is pushing it!!! 

What with this … my Kung-Fu impression and the one-eyed portrait … I can imagine you have all started to question whether you should ever come to this blog again soooooo, to prove I am still worthy of your, ahem, attention … can I point out that the big slide behind me in the photo say’s …

“WARNING: There Will Be Swearing”

And there was … lots of it … infront of alot of people ….

Sure it’s not big and sure it’s not clever – but that’s what you get when you give a boy from Nottingham a stage, a microphone and an audience locked in a room, ha! 

Does that make it all better now?

Have I convinced you to continue to hang around? Please? Pretty Please???

[Not that I’m desperate or anything. Oh no, I can handle being a Billy-No-Mates! OK … I can’t … stay, please, please stay]

Ahem!

Anyway, an absolutely massive thanks to Jasper at Branded for sending me this – and a whole other bunch – of unflattering pics. I really, really hope you don’t fall down the stairs and break your leg … and if you do, the fact I was probably behind you is purely coincidental.

Hmmmmppphhf! 

[Oh, and talking of embarrassing pics, a huuuuuuuuuge thanks to NP for his ‘Separated At Birth’ post …  it was really nice and I’ll try and return the favour. [Cue: Evil Laugh!]

So Mr Mortimer has been officially asked to write about the upcoming Future Marketing Summit.

Even though he is disgustingly clever, he was kind enough to ask if there were any questions we would like him to put to the smart people speaking at the event.

Anyway, he’s got some … but he probably would like some more … soooooooo, drop him a note and help him get the exposure [and acclaim] he so rightly deserves.

* 10 of the 11 ‘bald people’ asked, felt they were definitely smarter than the masses.

The 11th person was 1 month old, hence could not answer.

So yesterday Hari and I had the great pleasure of talking to Marcus via SKYPE’s video conference facilities … and even though we encountered the usual delay of their brilliant system … I still got to hear Marcus’ remarkably young voice coming out of his remarkably interesting looking head.

Ahem!

Anyway, because of the delay, we noticed any movement made looked like we were traveling at super-human-speeds … so for reasons I’m still quite unsure of, I found myself doing a full on, Asian Kung Fu movie reenactment for him – INCLUDING BAD LIP SYNCHING!!!

To make matters even worse / sadder … I even carried on when people walked into the room to find out what the hell I was doing.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS HOLD BROWN HAS OVER ME???? 

IS HE A WITCH … A WIZARD … A HYPNOTIST … A BASTARD????

So because I am rather alarmed at my behaviour … I have decided to publically shame myself in the vein hope it will have the same effect on me as my infamous ‘Denmark Boat Trip Flick’ – which stopped alcohol from ever passing my lips again AND THAT WAS BACK IN 1986!

Will this video suddenly stop me being such a prat? 

Lets be honest, it’s unlikely … but at least you may find it more enjoyable than my magic tricks, you miserable bunch of bastards! Ha.

So sit back, make yourselves comfortable, click on play and watch career suicide right infront of your eyes.

Did you enjoy that?  Did you???

Well because I am in such a generous mood, I have something even better, funnier and career limiting for you – oh yes I do.

OK … so it’s quite old so some of you may have seen it … but this is a clip from an audition that [I think] Andy was holding for some mad ad he was casting years back.

There’s things I could say, but nothing – absolutely nothing – would do it justice. 

Without doubt, one of the funniest things I have ever seen – and I’m just greatful I wasn’t actually there, because if I was, I honestly think I’d of wet my pants.

Enjoy …