The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


What Hari Has To Aspire To …
March 14, 2007, 8:11 am
Filed under: Comment

So yesterday I wrote how Hari bought me a Superman Plaster for my cut finger when he could of got me a much more embarrassing Barbie one … and while I understand why he chose the ‘softer’ option, I am still proud he didn’t totally wimp out and get me a boring, beige because otherwise I’d of worried that I’d hired the wrong sort of person, ha!

Anyway, to give him some inspiration [and motivation] I thought I’d show a pic of the sort of treatment I am used to from my dear colleagues.

OK … abit of background. 

I have a dodgy eye. 

Infact it’s more than dodgy, it’s rather rubbish. 

It’s a long story, but it all stems from a detached retina I got way back in 1991 thanks to picking up a bloody big bag of coal. [That’s Nottingham for you!]

Anyway, years and years later – as part of a medical I was having for my Australian visa – I had to have it checked by a surgeon who bandaged it up to protect it from dirt for a few days.

Because my colleagues are a bunch of bastards, when I turned up in the office, they cut out a picture of an eye from a magazine and stuck it on the bandage – exactly where my eye should be.

In essence, I looked like some weird Terminator-thing … but without the muscles or killer moves.

Apart from feeling like a twat, I had a bunch of meetings that day … so everytime I went into reception to meet my guests, I could sense them all praying I wasn’t the guy they had come to see, ha!

So Hari … nice start but as you can see, you have a hell-of-a-long-way to go.



These Students Are Smarter Than Ad People*
March 13, 2007, 2:06 pm
Filed under: Comment

So I recently did a project with SONY where I used students of the quite wonderful Prof Mark Chong from Singapore’s SMU Uni. [Far left in the photo above]

The brief I gave them was to find cultural / lifestyle insights that they could use to unlock dramatic sales growth for either SONY Walkman or SONY HD Handycams … WITHOUT the need for advertising.

How they transformed these insights into consumer motivation was upto them … but it had to be within the realms of reality, not require billions [or even tens of millions] of dollars of investment and dramatically differentiate the products from the competition.

Well, without going into what the guys came up with [because we are looking at actually making it happen] what they developed was far more powerful and interesting than alot of the output currently being seen from the big brand R&D departments!

Infact, the guys behind the Walkman idea came up with something so simply brilliant that I’ve been beating myself up for weeks – because I know I would never of come up with something that great in a million years.

In a World with lots of self-professed Idea/Marketing gurus … I love the fact that in a few weeks, a bunch of students with no ‘real-life’ experience came up with concepts that I truly believe could change the face of business – especially SONY’s business.

For years I/we have been banging on about the value of intelligent naivety … where a company involves smart people in the ‘development phase’ of products/brands [even if they have no in-depth experience of the category] because their ability to approach a problem ‘without category-convention blinkers’ allows them to see opportunities others may miss.

It is for this reason that we’ve found ourselves being involved in such wonderfully varied projects as creating televisions for B&O, designing interiors of planes for Virgin, developing none-harmful weaponry for the British Military of Defense and now … helping a bunch of students come up with great ideas for SONY.

Ad agencies talk about ‘ideas’ … but they’re not really … they’re advertising execution ideas, and that’s quite often a very different thing altogether.

If the industry is to reclaim the respect it deserves, it has to look at ideas in the context of something that solves a particular client problem then using advertising to communicate that solution rather than jumping straight to ‘the ad’.

Don’t get me wrong, some ad campaigns really have a fantastic business driving /consumer benefiting idea at the heart of them … Orange [the original campaign], Tesco’s, AA [4th Emergency Service], Virgin to name but a few … but now it seems we are getting more and more ads that communicate nothing more than what the client wants to shout about even though it has no real benefit [or consideration] for the consumer.

For me, the best ideas of the past few years are the one’s that have addressed lifestyle/cultural insights, not just category ones.

That’s why I love the French Insurance Company who taught their counter staff sign language because they learnt a relatively high percentage of French people had hearing difficulties … or the US bank who automatically rounded up their customers money to the next dollar [putting it into a savings account for them] because they knew anyone on a budget tended to ’round up’ their expenditure to ensure they didn’t overspend … or even LG, who created a mobile phone with a digital compass within it, because they knew followers prayed towards Mecca numerous times a day and sometimes needed to know which way to face. [4 million phones sold!]

Those are ideas … sure they still needed advertising… but at the heart of them was a real idea that answered a clients business problem by understanding and motivating consumers via a message based on more than just category conventions.

I really, really hope we can make the students SONY ideas come to fruition, because apart from them being brilliant [especially the Walkman one] nothing would make me happier in proving to the so-called Guru’s, that no one has the monopoly on good ideas – people just need to be embraced, educated and encouraged!

* And yes, the 2 dodgy blokes at the back of the photo ARE Freddie and me!



Almost Creeping Employee …
March 13, 2007, 12:20 pm
Filed under: Comment

What I love is that the massive post I wrote yesterday … a post that took me ages to write … had the LOWEST number of views of any post I’ve written in the last 3 months, which goes to show that either …

1 I had nothing to do yesterday

2 I had lots to do yesterday but used this post as an excuse to not do it

3 You are all too busy to read big rants

4 You are too lazy to read big rants

5 You’ve seen the light and decided I’m not worth the effort

Despite all that, I have decided to soldier on … but hopefully you’ll find this more ‘blog digestible’, ha!

So I was at the airport at some ungodly hour this morning with Hari, waiting for a plane to take us to some ungodly place [well, KL] when my finger – which I cut at the weekend while attempting to cook up a storm – decided to start bleeding again.

Because Hari is still quite new, he obviously feels he still needs to impress … because he immediately got up and rushed to the chemist to buy me some plasters. [Let me tell you, no one who has been working with me for any period of time would do that!]

However, within minutes he came back with a package that proved to me that I’d hired exactly the right sort of evil-genius …

You see instead of buying me normal Elastoplasts … he had gone and bought a pack of Superman band-aids – ensuring I look [even more] like a cock to all I meet for the next few days.

Well done Hari … I am proud of you … infact the only thing I would have done differently is buy the ‘Barbie’ version of the plasters for maximum tosser effectiveness – but then I am your boss and you are still in your probation period aren’t you, haha!

Oh, and imagine you were an employee at Delfrance and had management put this notice up by your till …

Talk about saying to your employee’s “WE DON’T TRUST YOU” …

Talk about saying to your customers “DON’T TRUST US” …

Alright … alright … so it’s quite a sweet way to counteract the [possible] issue of staff dipping into the till … but it still feels weird, but not as weird as when I paid $5 for a small bottle of orange juice only to find it was actually Robinson’s Orange Squash!

Thieving French Gits … only thing they’ve given the World is the plague, ha!



WARNING: I’ve Just Had A Blog Laxative …
March 12, 2007, 2:18 pm
Filed under: Comment

So I am off on a bit of a travel extravaganza from tomorrow, so thanks to a nice amount of blog-laxative, I’m able to give you a great big dump of stuff that will keep you [allegedly] amused till I’m back.

First off … I’m A Millionaire.

I know you can’t read the above thing very well, but I got an email today from some bloke supposedly at Coca-Cola – notifying me that I’d won ONE MILLION POUNDS in a recent global competition they’d run!!

Now excuse me if I’m abit sceptical, but I think this might be spam.

Why?

Well, lets look at the facts …

1. The blokes email address was a yahoo.co.uk address which seems abit strange.

2. cynic work with Coke which immediately would void me or anyone associated with the company winning anything from them.

3. Because we work with Coke, I am sure I’d of heard of a competition where the global prize pool was 125 MILLION QUID!!!

4. They want all my contact information [including my bank account] so they can deposit the money and start the full prize-giving publicity.

Yes … most definitely spam … and yet I am sure someone out there will supply the details the thieving bastard wants. 

Are people really that stupid?  Are they?  ARE THEY?

Well, according to Singaporean Newspaper, The Straits Times, they just could be …

Above is a photo of a Singaporean model who has got married.  Can you tell which one it is? 

Well obviously in Singapore, they don’t realise a woman wearing a white bridal dress and veil is quite possibly the special lady because under this photo they printed …

Yes, they actually highlighted the bride was the ‘3rd from the left’.

However, as if that wasn’t mad enough already … the really ugly bloke on the far left of the photo is the models ‘stylist’ whereas the small bloke next to him – with the hat on – is her bloody hairdresser.

What’s going on????

Talking of what’s going on, I got back to Singapore to walk into a venue and see this …

Yep, those fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are back … proving that studio execs DO smoke crack!

Anyway, given the green bastards love pizza, you just know that for the next few months, Pizza Hut or Domino’s are going to go mad with this tie-in – flogging little green figurines and massive drinking cups everytime you order. 

I just hope a smaller chain does something cool, like come out with a “NOT TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA FRIENDLY” promotion … offering things like ‘turtle flavoured’ pizza and/or turtle speed delivery.  I won’t hold my breath though …

Talking of food, the hotel I stayed in last week – the very lovely Sukothai – did a mean burger …

Yes, I know I said I was on abit of a health kick, but you know how I equate a hotel by its standard of burger, so I just had to check it out – even, if truth be known – I’ve stayed here dozens of times so know perfectly well what they offer interms of ‘cow between bread’.

You probably can’t see the below piccie very well, but it’s from Kel @ W&K‘s preso about the speed of change in Shanghai.

In 20 years they’ve gone from wasteland to the most thriving metropolis on earth.

Even Superman couldn’t keep up with the speed of China’s evolution … which is another reason why all the energy in the World is currently coming from the East, not the West – despite what many say or would like to think.

Outdoor Billboard Delhi style …

So Bangkok opened their new airport recently and they are encountering a few ‘issues’ …

Infact, they’ve even had to open the old airport again so that traffic can keep moving at a decent enough pace.

Anyway, when I was walking towards my terminal, I realised how narrow the walkways were – which reminded me of a wonderful conversation I had with one of the chief architects of Stanstead Airport. 

Basically he said that the placement of pillars in airports were vital as they could either maximise or hinder ‘passenger movement’

The basic rule was that if people could see the end of the airport without lots of things [like pillars] obscuring their view, then there would be continuous, smooth movement … however if there was lots of objects breaking up the view, it would lead to bottlenecks as people tended to stop without consideration for the crowd behind them.

It would seem that Bangkok Airport has fallen foul of this architectural rule – resulting in the sorts of bottlenecks you only tend to see in London around December 24th at 3pm!Infact I find what they have done even more remarkable given space [especially in metropolitan cities] is now the ultimate status symbol for property!  Oh well …

Saying all that, I do love how proud the Thai people are of their Royal Family … there are posters all over the city … infact, it seems that if there is a blank bit of space, a poster is shoved up there as quick as possible …

Given the only time most of the UK puts the Queen on public display is when they post a letter, I guess you could say the Thai Royal Family is regarded far more highly that that of the UK mob!

Poor buggers, I bet they still can’t work out how it’s all changed … though I do have to say I still have huge admiration for the Queen, Charles [and kids] and Anne [and kids] … because they actually do stuff and genuinely care about things that really relate to us all. 

As for the rest of them … well as far as I am concerned, they are on the gravy train and I personally couldn’t give two-hoots if they got kicked out and ended up working in Macca’s.

Talking of not giving two-hoots [I’m good at this ‘links’ thing aren’t I!] SONY obviously don’t give a toss about the work we’re doing for them because I saw this monstrosity in the inflight magazine for their bloody re-chargeable battery division.

Feel The Energy?  Come on … someone has to be taking the piss!  Unfortunately not.

OK, so this was done by a local market – whereas we do the stuff for the whole of the region – but you’d of thought that someone, somewhere would have at least contacted us to get a real understanding of what FEEL is meant to mean.  Another perfect example of a company who thinks a single word means an integrated campaign idea.

I feel very, very sorry for whoever authorised this ad because in about 10 mins, they’re going to get called into the ‘big-cheeses’ office and carpeted thanks to my snidey email, ha! 

In all seriousness, this is the sort of thing that stuffs up how consumers view a company … and is often done because the marketing department only cares about what they deem the ‘big things’ – leaving the small, inconsequential campaigns to the local brand manager. I wrote about this recently … and it would seem I have to have a very frank discussion with the SONY board all over again!

Oh, and to Mr Mortimer … the response I had to your post about them was, “Very Interesting”.  I’ll keep you informed on what that actually means once I’ve forced them into a corner and given me a real answer. [And George is talking to you-know-who about you-know-what in the next few days so keep your fingers crossed … or should I say your brother should keep his fingers crossed, ha!]

Are you still with me?

Have you fallen asleep yet?

Oi … WAKE UP and have a look at this … we’re near the end now, I promise.

No … it’s not an ad for a toy car, it’s an ad for some exclusive car imported from Japan that I saw in a Singapore newspaper.

Apart from the fact it looks like an old Jag/Daimler … take a look at that shite logo – would you spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a car that [1] you’ve never heard of and [2] has a logo Stevie Wonder designed?

And that whole “move your spirit and passion” bollocks.

I HATE how the word ‘passion’ has been commandeered by brands and advertising these days. 

Don’t get me wrong, passion within a company can create a real competitive advantage for them – especially as many of today’s organisations operate as soulless, efficient machines – however it seems the trend is to bung the word ‘passion’ onto everything, almost because they haven’t got anything really interesting or tangible to say.

I recently was in a pitch for a brand that wanted to talk about ‘passion’ by showing a picture of a big oak tree with the word ‘passion’ hanging off every branch. 

I told them that in today’s marketplace, it seems ‘Passion Is Growing On Tree’s’ which has resulted in people becoming immune from the message behind it and simply treating it as marketing-wank wallpaper.

We won.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd finally …

A big sort-of thanks to Mr Rob Mortimer for putting a sketch by Charlie Brookers Screenwipe [entitled ‘The 10 Biggest Cocks In Advertising’] on his blog and saying he thought it could be me.

Hmmmmn …

Unfortunately I can see why he would say that … it does sound quite like me in alot of meetings [especially at cynic‘s monthly ‘What have the other agencies around the World done recently’ review] … and if more proof was needed that I am quite like this angry man, I did a massive rant at the conference I was at last week about ‘Marketing Devolution’ and how the delegates had to actually DO what they had learnt – even if it meant FIGHTING their colleagues, bosses and clients to make it happen – because if they didn’t, we’d continue to be subjected to the pointless, mindless, unimaginative, irrelevant advertising shite we get bombarded with each and every day – which not only was/is about as effective [and relevant to consumers] as Princess Michael of Kent, but also likely to make me so angry that I end up coming to each and everyone’s houses and bashing their heads in!

[I said that last bit with a smile though!]

Hmmmmn, maybe I should be on BBC4?  Then again …

It’s a fucking simple industry … and yet we do our level best to complicate it … no wonder I’m so angry, especially when companies talk about their proprietary tools’ which – according to them – have the capability to answer EVERYTHING.

What a crock of total and unadulterated shit. 

Sure some ‘tools’ can be useful in identifying or validating particular areas of interest … but if you rely on them for everything – including creative concepting – then my point of view is that you are the biggest tool of them all. [especially as some data is often so old that it is almost unethical to use!]

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – advertising is a people moving industry – it is not a management consultant industry.

We help business because we not only understand what is going on in people’s heads and lives, but can take this information and create an ‘idea’ that motivates them to act in our clients short and long-term interests. [All the time being of direct benefit to them!]

Given this industry is continually losing its boardroom cred, I think it is mandatory ALL ad agencies teach their staff to look into peoples heads rather than just their category habits [regardless of their role in the agency]… because if they don’t, we’re going to be run by the likes of the Management Consultant … which is why maybe so many of the big agency networks are trying to ‘re-invent themselves’ into this mould.

I shouldn’t care as it will lead even greater growth of ‘human-focused ad agencies’ like Mother, Crispin, W&K, cynic etc … but I do care which is why I want people to fight to make it happen rather than blindly follow a system designed for conformance – as opposed to excitement and motivation.

As I said, our new philosophy is ANGER IS ENERGY … which is quite appropriate as I am officially the angriest man in Asia, ha!

Right, that has taken me far too long to write and I have tons to do [good time management there eh!] … but I look forward to writing more bollocks very soon indeed, with my Andy-approved  ‘Creatives Are Forgetting How To Create’ rant just around the corner.

Be angry … it’s liberating and quite alot of fun! 



Try-Hard Wanker Restaurant: Suitable For Advertising Types.
March 10, 2007, 12:42 am
Filed under: Comment

I’m really too tired to write much on this post … infact I should just forget it and go to bed … however it would seem I’m somewhat blog-addicted AND I’ve just had an experience which I just have to bung down before visiting the much-needed ‘Land of Nod’.

Before I start, I should point out that I’ve been doing this job all around the World for quite some time …

And over those many years, I’ve been lucky[?] enough to have been exposed to a plethora of the weird and wonderful – quite often thanks to some advertising function or other.

I’ve been to parties that ended in fights, seen illegal – not to mention, disturbing – acts of gluttony and fornication, watched relationships start and marriages end … you name it, my eyes probably have a memory of it , however tonight I had one of the weirdest experiences I’ve had in a very, very, very long time.

I am a simple bloke from Nottingham … I have little dress sense, swear like a trooper, don’t suffer fools that gladly and like food rather than nouveau cuisine.

However, everytime – and I mean EVERYTIME – I come to Bangkok, I somehow always end up in this unbelievably wanky bar/restaurant called The Supperclub.

I don’t want to go … I hate it there … however time and time again, I always end up getting taken there,  because either ….

1 My client likes it there

2 My client thinks I’d like it there

3 My client thinks that’s the sort of place advertising types like

4 A function is there

5 The people organising the function like it there

6 The people organising the function thinks that’s the sort of place advertising types like

… anyway I am sure you get the gist.

As I said, I fucking HATE the place … it’s all so bloody pretentious … from the beds instead of booths [try eating your grub lounged on a bed while 2000 decibels of crap music is blaring out of the speakers] and the transvestites instead of waitresses, right through to the vastly overpriced ‘sausage & mash’ and the employees wearing t-shirts with their job titles on the front.

Anyway, the function I am at decided to take everyone there for a ‘end-of-conference’ slap up … and whilst I despised every second of being there, two things happened that I just have to write about.

Mouth. Meet Foot

So I’m sat next to this bloke who was nice – if not abit boring – when I overheard him say this woman’s name.  I clarified who he was talking about – and amazingly – it was the same person.

“How do you know her?” he asked.

To which I replied in great detail how she used to bang my old housemate back in Sydney.

“Oh, I met him … “ he replied, “… but the cheeky woman told me he was an old friend. not an old boyfriend”

I laughed, commented that she did have abit of a history and then casually enquired how he knew the lady in question …

“Oh, she’s my wife.”

The conversation ended quite abruptly after that … but at least I didn’t tell him how I knew she’d been banging some other bloke too!  See, I can be nice and tactful. Occasionally.

The Most Pretentious Act Of All Pretentious Acts

OK, so it was an advertising function … and OK, some of the participants were rather new to the industry … and OK, adland – as I wrote above – does have a history of being abit of a wankfest, but no one …. not even Jesus Christ himself … could think of a way to justify the manner in which the dinner menu was presented to the participants tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls … I leave you with, UBER_Pretension.

Have a good weekend … I think I am going to have to have a shower before sleep, because this last experience has left me feeling rather dirty.

I guess you can take the boy out of Nottingham but you can’t take Nottingham out of the boy – and I am eternally grateful for that fact, ha!