The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

So I am at the airport, waiting to board yet another bloody plane … and I find myself in the Business Class Lounge of Singapore Airlines. Talk about depressing!!!

Sure there is a load of food and drink for me to shove down my gob, but nobody … and I mean nobody … acknowledges eachother. They all live in their little Worlds, either thinking they have ‘made it’ or simply trying to appear like they’ve ‘made it’.

Some talk loudly to mysterious people on their phones, others read business newspapers while all I do is I listen to my iPod wearing ripped jeans and an obnoxious t-shirt! [I talked to Jesus – He’s my Mexican gardener!]

OK, so this isn’t the sort of place a yobbish bloke like me should be in, however for my sins, I spend most of my life flying, so Airlines give me ‘Premium Status’ and I end up in these lounges which were obviously designed for people with a personality bypasses. 

Where is the rule that business people MUST be serious, suit wearing arses, forever checking their Blackberries?

Come on, where???

To think when I was younger I thought this sort of life would be cool … how silly was I?

Thank the Lord [or my parents] but I will NEVER subscribe to this life, I don’t want every step of my career pre-ordained … from the BMW and corner office through to the affair with my PA and the Gold watch … I want to be surprised, charmed, scared, excited!

Is this pathetic?

Maybe … but not as pathetic as living a life where you daren’t express your inner thoughts for fear of upsetting the corporate bosses!

Life is supposed to be interesting isn’t it? Isn’t it???

I know what you’re thinking … so why don’t I simply avoid these Airport Lounges?

Well, while that is a perfectly acceptable question, the justification I give is that as annoying as it is, the look of terror on the faces of the Airline staff and fellow passengers as I walk in, makes it all worth while … seriously, it is brilliant, you can just see them desperately asking themselves, “… but how and why is ‘he’ here?”

Anyway, Airlines … not all people who fly alot for business are stuffy, stock market obsessed fools … think of me, the rough looking, soccer loving [even though it is Nottingham Forest], mag reading fool … because as much as you might not like my ‘sort’ frequenting your lounges. you like my money and for that, I demand to be catered for.

[I could write tons about how the people stare when I sit in my Business Class Seat … but that would take too long and besides, I don’t care … I just stretch out and sleep, ha!]

Actually I think I know the answer – because in America, it’ll make a ton of cash because over there, they still think Mr Bean is the funniest thing since Benny Hill.

Proof that many Yanks are about 20 years behind GMT!

OK … so I know these clips are rather old, but as I’ve just used them in a pitch to demonstrate the difference between a brand that attracts and a brand that repulses, I thought I’d post them for you lot to have a gander at.

Though Steve Jobs pays [abit of] my wages, I do have to admit that he is not the coolest guy in the World [though he is one of the most inspirational] … however when you compare him to the bloke running his number one competitor, you can immediately appreciate why he and his company are so loved by the masses  … and I am not just talking about Mr and Mrs Nerd!

It would seem the difference between attract and repulse is whether people laugh WITH YOU or AT YOU!

Don’t get me wrong, Jobs is amazing – especially in the art of the presentation – but like Branson … his appeal owes much to the stifled, elitist, corporate attitude of the competitive set as it does to his natural charisma and vision,

Why business and marketing schools don’t educate students on the power and importance of brand charisma, is beyond me. 

Anyway, enjoy …

First the good …

[It’s long, but worth it]

Now the ‘Embarrassing Uncle Pissed At The Wedding’ …

[It’s short, but definitely worth it. Credibility crashing infront of your eyes!]

This might sound a highly racist thing to say … but it’s based on fact [cough-cough] so it isn’t. Ahem.

OK, here we go … Asian people are crap drivers.  Yes they are.

Please note I am not saying they are bad drivers … they are fucking nightmare drivers.

And I’m not just talking about the Taxi guys [though they reach even lower standards than the masses] I am talking about every bloody person who gets behind the wheel of a car.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s Singapore, China, Taiwan, Vietnam, India, Thailand, Philippines … they all are totally shit … infact in Vietnam, traffic accidents are the number 1 reason for death for people under 35!

I could try and describe some of the reasons – but I wouldn’t be doing it justice – so just imagine being in the back of a 20 year old cab in monsoon rain, driving at 120mph with zero visibility, no seat belts in the back, swerving in and out of lanes either to get ahead of the traffic or to avoid a vehicle you see at the last moment, sliding [and I mean sliding] around the multitude of tight bends on the constantly cracked and bumpy roads, squeezing through 2 feet gaps between trucks and cars, using the horn to stop cars side-swiping you because people don’t use mirrors and rely on the vehicles around them to warn of impending crashes – all the time while the driver is either nattering away on his mobile phone or – and I kid you not – cutting his nose hair while looking in the rearview mirror or opening the door and spitting out greenies along the road.

Sure the cabs are dirt cheap out here … but when you are taking your life in your hands each time you use one, then they should be paying us instead of the other way round.And I still feel this way after literally thousands of trips!!!

Anyway, a while back if you’d of asked me, I would have said the worst drivers of the lot are the Malaysians.

Apart from the fact that on 2 occasions I genuinely thought I was going to die in a cab, cars are dirt cheap so everyone has one which results in swamped roads and drivers desperate to break free from the traffic chaos.

How do they break free from all this mayhem?  By driving like bloody lunatics … both interms of speed and navigation.

Now as I said, I used to think this led to them being the worst drivers in Asia – however with hindsight I now realise they are actually highly skilled because on top of having less traffic accidents than many other countries in Asia, they can park their cars in places that to lesser drivers, would be nothing short of madness.

Even Evil Knievel would be impressed – I know I am, as well as bit scared!

Reverse parked on the very edge of a 40 foot high building.