The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Hotel advertising pisses me off.

Actually, hotel marketing as a whole tends to make me want to kill.

[Some examples that cause my blood pressure to rise from a thousand paces can be seen here / here and here]

Of course there’s the odd nice idea [and no, I’m not just including the stuff we’ve worked on, haha] however in the main it tends to all be contrived, clichéd wank aimed at making low self esteem business twat/wannabe’s feel good about themselves.

Just recently the Marriott Hotel group launched a campaign sooooooo wanky that it genuinely set a new global benchmark for wank …

OK … OK … so on one hand they should be congratulated for avoiding the usual ‘You Work Hard And Are Really, Mega Successful So If You Want Something That Makes You Happy, We’ll Make It Happen Because You’re Worth It’ … however whatever way you cut it, it truly is a big steaming pile of turd.

While I travel quite a lot, I’ve never actually stayed in a Marriott hotel – and after seeing that ‘ad’ I’m glad because the last thing I want when I order a burger is the bloody Room Service guy spilling my chips everywhere as he pirouettes into my fucking room.

However there is a new ‘gun’ in town.

A hotel that has created such a pretentious bit of self-congratulatory rubbish that I had to watch it 5 times in a row to see if it was all some giant piss–take.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the internal commercial for the Regent Hotel Shangahi …

HOW FUCKING CRAP IS THAT EH????

I just love how the music and voiceover seems to come from a 1980’s sci-fi adventure. I’m sure they thought it added ‘dramatic effect’ but to me it was pure ‘comedy.

And what about the words?

EYES SEE

EARS LISTEN

FIRES HOT

WATER COOL

No shit sherlock. And they say that comes from some ancient Zen poem?  Hahahaha …

If that really is the case – then all I can say is this Zen shit is easy.

What about …

NOSES SMELL

FINGERS TOUCH

LEGS MOVE

BOTTOMS SHIT

Deep and meaningful eh?  Christ, even my beloved Jill’s ramblings make more sense than coherent.

Look I have no issue with companies singing their praises – but it helps if [1] they can live up to it and [2] it’s not pretentious bollocks.

Given the Regent Hotel has the sort of service even British Rail in 1983 couldn’t of succumbed to, the only praise I can bestow on this film is that despite suffering from terrible food poisoning, it made me laugh till I puked. Literally.

So this is the final full week before Christmas – and the final week of me writing this blog for the year.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to write some ‘end-of-year’ round up … I’ll be doing that on Friday, ha … so as I’ve been away for the last week, I thought I’d just have a brain dump [or just a dump] of things that I’ve noticed over the past 5-7 days.

OK, first of all I have to mention my best mate Paul. Again.

No – there won’t be any pointing of people to any more humiliating and embarrassing photos like this … or this … oh no, this time I want to praise him for buying the most inappropriate birthday gift EVER.

After coming back from a trip to Australia – a trip he DIDN’T take his wife on – he arrived back just in time to give his lovely other half her birthday present.

She was so excited as it was a massive gift, all carefully wrapped up and looking lovely.

“What could it be?” she said as she looked lovingly into her husbands eyes – only to quickly turn into Satan as she realised the gift he’d ‘lovingly’ bought her was a KITCHEN BIN!

Yes, a KITCHEN BIN!

And what’s worse, it was a a ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY QUID kitchen bin!!!

Despite his pleas that she’s mentioned previously that she wanted one, he was advised not to unpack from his holiday as he was going to be leaving the house very soon, hahahahaha!

Putting aside the fact it was a ‘designer bin’ [though why anyone would pay that much for something you put your rubbish in is beyond me] what on earth was he thinking? 

Even Andy isn’t that bad – though he did think Scott Biao was rather cool for once buying Pamela Anderson a vacuum cleaner for Valentine’s day.

And they say romance is dead …

Thanks Paul – I can basically do anything I want now and still not look as bad as you do, hahaha!

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Here’s a lovely photo found by the wonderful Scott 

You should check his blog out – it’s toptastic and I’m not just saying that because he’s working with me at the moment.

OK it is … but hey, it’s Christmas so I’m being ‘nice’. Ahem.

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8am. Shanghai. Another beautifully polluted day!

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Is this the most depressing ‘Christmas Cheer’ office entrance ever?

It looks more like Satan’s grotto than Santa’s!

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So you go to some fancy pants restaurant that supposedly has views that only god should be able to see and what do you get?

And if that wasn’t bad enough, the food was shite!

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Have a look at this ad running in Singapore at the moment …

So let me get this straight – given there’s a golf ball supposedly smashing into the bus shelter and the words WATCH OUT are screaming out – it seems what they’re actually saying is the BEST WOMEN GOLFERS are a load of shit!

Hmmmmn, not in the least bit sexist eh!

I bet $50 it was a load of men who both wrote and approved this shit.  I’m surprised they didn’t go the whole hog and write …

IF YOU FANCY HAVING A LAUGH, COME AND SEE THE BEST WOMEN GOLFERS PLAY IN SINGAPORE.

THEY’RE SERIOUSLY SHIT BUT AT LEAST YOU CAN CHECK OUT THEIR ARSES EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE BOUND TO BE LESBIANS.

GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN BITCHES, YOU’VE GOT THE VOTE, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?

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Write, that’s a nice bit of potpourri ranting for the day.

I have quite alot I want to shout about this week but I promise the rest won’t be as disjointed as today’s post was/is.

Then again, even when I write about single subjects it tends to go off on tangents that even a protractor can’t work out, so at least I have an excuse for today’s bouncing around.

See you tomorrow – it’s nice to be back. Sort of, ha!

PS: Huge ‘good luck’ to NP [not that he’ll need it] for his new job at TBWA.

What with him and Freddie, they might actually be able to live up to their ‘great work through disruption’ moniker 🙂

A while back I asked the above question and said that if society didn’t have people to inspire, encourage and aspire to … we could all potentially be heading down a very slippery slope indeed.

Anyway with all that in mind, I found an interview that reminded me why this guy is absolutely one of the people I proudly call ‘a hero’ …

Yes I know he polarizes opinion so some people on this blog will no doubt hate him [so don’t be frightened to say it – not that I think people on this blog would be scared to say anything!]… yes I know some of his ‘facts’ have been called into question [but then facts are often in the eye of the interpreter] … yes I know he has been called as extremist as the mainstream media he continually derides [though he say’s when this is the case, it’s basically to counter the alternate view so the people can find some sort of balance in the ‘middle’] … and yes I know I’m biased given the work we/I have done with him and his production company … however the fact he stands up for what he genuinely believes in without ever resorting to threats of violence or running to the lawyer at every turn, he is to be congratulated, celebrated and embraced.

I have this theory that I call PIVOTAL PEOPLE.

In essence it is the belief that throughout our lives, we come across individuals who have a disproportionate affect in how our lives turns out.

They might be part of it for a few hours or maybe an entire lifetime … however their effect is such that it fundamentally affects what we achieve in life.

I’m not talking about all-conquering glory – though in some cases that might be the case – I’m talking about that ability to feel fulfilled, proud and satisfied with what you are doing … that feeling of living with confidence and minimal regret.

And while you may think you only appreciate their ‘effect’ at a later date – you know at the time something good and amazing is happening.

Putting aside my brilliant parents, friends and colleagues … I owe my career to 4 people.

In each case, they believed, challenged, encouraged and inspired me far more than any one person should ever dare hope for.

They shaped the way I think … the opportunities I’ve been given and the history I still aim to create.

I know not everyone is lucky enough to have people like these in their life … and to be honest, I don’t know what I did to deserve them in mine … however everytime I see/talk to them, I say thank you because I know the difference between the life I lead and the life I could [and probably should] be living is very much down to their influence.

 Not all heroes look like this! 

As much as they would hate the idea, they are as much of a hero to me as Mr Moore is … infact more so … and I hope I’ve repaid their faith in me [both professionally and personally] because what they did changed my life.

I hope that one day, someone will regard me as having helped them as much as four individuals helped me because while talent, intelligence and hard work are all important factors in achieving goals … encouragement, inspiration and faith can change your World.

[I should point out I am not saying I’m inspirational or anything – I just hope my faith and encouragement can realise someone’s potential one day]

God this post is all over the shop isn’t it!?

Part preachy and Oscar-like … part ranting … 1/3 contradictory … 2/5 pointless and a good dollop of plain mad thrown in for good measure.

ARGH!

If you ‘get’ what I am trying to say, can you let me know because I haven’t got the faintest idea anymore [ha] … however to RH, MS, AS and CJ, I say thank you once more!

Back Monday, have a great weekend.

I saw this ad in a restaurant near my office.

Can someone tell me just what SMOKE FREE ROASTERS FEATURING THERMO-AERODYNAMIC TECHNOLOGY actually is?

Actually you can scrub the ‘smoke free roasters’ bit … just tell me about THERMO-AERODYNAMIC TECHNOLOGY.

I can imagine the owners of the restaurant were ‘influenced’ by those Skin Care / Shampoo ads that use complex scientific terms to try and ‘rationalise’ their product benefits to the end user.

Only thing is, while doing that may have value to those specific categories … in a cheap local restaurant, you have to question whether it has any value at all.

OK I’m being unfair given I have no idea just what this ‘technology’ is or does … but to be honest, any restaurant offering that sort of science terminology is more likely to put me off than to actively encourage me to give it a go.

It’s so easy to get lost in this sort of thing.

I understand why it works [especially for some categories] but it doesn’t mean that’s the only way to tackle the problem.

Saying that, with millions of dollars at risk, I appreciate why companies [and agencies] tend to follow a safe ‘mass trends’ rather than try to do something new – because if it fucks up, they can say they did ‘what everyone else was doing’ and it was just bad luck.

The problem with this attitude is that it ends up naturally favouring the brand with the biggest distribution channel and/or budget – and so for small organisations, they are either pushed out or stand no chance of making a sizable impression.

Why so many small companies feel they should act in the same way as the dominant player is beyond me.

I’m sure they think it adds credibility to their offer – and while in some ways it does – being a ‘me-too’ isn’t going to assure you of anything other than impending failure.

Many, many years ago we were approached by a company to try and break into the Spanish skincare market.

When we looked at the competition, PONDS was identified as one of the key brands that was an obstacle to our longterm success. 

So rather than create communication that looked, sounded and acted like the category, we simply asked …

“HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS PONDS INSTITUTE THEY KEEP GOING ON ABOUT?”

… and then talked about how marketing is designed to blur the edges of ‘truth’ whereas we believe in a simple, natural, honest approach to all we do.

And while the nice folk at Unilever threatened to sue – the fact our campaign was based on undeniable truth meant they couldn’t actually take any action – resulting in their brand collapsing while ours went from strength to strength.

The company we were working for was The Body Shop and while things have changed dramatically for them in the past few years, I am very happy and proud to say I had a hand in closing the fictional doors of the PONDS ‘Institute’ forever, at least in Spain.

Hell, I should put that on my CV … unless I intend to go and work for JWT at some point in the future, ha!