Filed under: Comment
So it’s Valentines Day and despite getting engaged a few days ago, I’ve left the missus behind and am in Hong Kong. What a nice man I am eh!
Let me start by saying I like flowers. Not enough to start doing any gardening I should add, but I do like them and that doesn’t make me a ponce!
Flowers are pretty, smell nice and make your home look great.
They come in all colours, fragrances and ‘designs’ plus they can make a woman ‘drop her pants’ in the blink of an eye. Unless you buy dead crocus’s of course .. then they buy a duffel coat and do all the buttons right up to the top AND fold their arms over their chest! Ring any bells Mr Vener?
Anyway, as flowers grow out the ground all over the World … even in my garden … I can only assume Florists use ribbon made of gold to tie the bunches up – because what other reason could there be for charging 8 million dollars for a couple of roses!!!
Hell, daffodils are almost like bloody weeds yet florists somehow justify charging a soddin’ fortune for them … especially horrible when I could ‘borrow’ them from a neighbours garden for free!
They even have the nerve to charge a few bucks for a card to write your message on.
Yes, yes, they do supply a ‘free’ card but this is either so flimsy thin or bad taste that by using it, you’ll be remembered for your lack of judgment than for giving a beautiful bouquet.
Then comes Valentine’s Day. The Day Of Love. Of Profit.
As if Florists weren’t charging enough already, they DOUBLE their prices to put that final nail into the coffin of exploitation. Can someone, anyone explain to me how one shop in Sydney can justify charging $150 [+$15 delivery] for 12 manky, thorn-ridden roses!!! AND THEN CAN’T EVEN GUARANTEE THEY’LL BE RED!!!
$150!!!
You could [allegedly] hire a high class prostitute for that. Well, for at least 2 minutes, but lets be honest here, that’s about as much time as most blokes would need!!!
Valentine’s Day has lost its true meaning. Rather than showing love, it is a profit making exercise for Florist and Card Manufacturers.
How can women feel special when men are basically ‘pressured’ into participating. That’s not love … that’s nagging.
People should show ‘love’ 365 days a year, not once, and if some lady really thinks getting flowers on Valentine’s Day proves he loves her, then the alternative view is that he only did it because he didn’t want the insecure, dumpy bird he met and snogged while pissed at a nightclub 2 weeks prior, to get all moody on him when he wants a quiet night at home.
Normally I would send my ‘Valentine’ [read: Jill] a gift on a day other than 14th Feb … because it is something I wanted to do, rather than feel ordered to do [plus it would make me look even cooler to her work colleagues, ha!] … however, given I’ve just coughed up a small fortune on a piece of carbon to wear on her finger, she’ll just have to do without this year, ha.
Saying all that, we did a wonderful campaign for a florist in 2002 using the ‘circumstantial cultural evidence’ bollocks we bang on about. [or … as Andy keeps whinging about … as read in ‘Freakonomics’]
Anyway, we were approached by a rather well known florist chain to promote Valentine’s Day but rather than do the usual ‘Lovey Dovey’ stuff, we saw that around the World, the attack on the Twin Towers had dramatically changed the way people were living …
Classic ‘savings’ accounts at Banks had become popular again.
Love songs were topping the charts all around the World.
The cinemas were full of both romantic comedies and Arnie-esque ‘Tough Guy’ films for the first time in years
Home improvement expenditure had gone through the roof.
Family holidays were back ‘in vogue’ as were sit-down family dinners.
Church attendances had gone up. [But then so had Harley Davidson sales!]
There was lots more … but I think you get the idea.
Anyway, all this smacked of the World going through abit of ‘humanity-love-fest’ … a need to bond and re-connect … a need to get back to the important things in life … a need to feel emotions again … and so we advised our client to ‘change’ Valentines Day from ‘love of an individual’ to ‘love of all people who are important’ and [cue: drumroll] sales increased 596%
OK … OK … so we helped a client profit from a tragedy – but at least a lot more people felt good about life that day PLUS it was our first real foray into this ‘circumstantial cultural evidence’ area we now embrace in all we do.
Of course the client tried to use the same strategy the following year … but Bush had pissed the whole World off by then, so we were all back in our ‘materialism, greed and instant-gratification’ phase, so it bombed … however I do think the real power of communication is knowing/understanding ‘cultures and life issues’ rather than just focusing on soddin’ categories!
Anyway, you’ll be able to read all about it once Andy has finished our bloody book. Probably in 2057!
Hmmmmn, I’m going off on a complete tangent now aren’t I? Well, at least I’m inkeeping with the people who post comments on here.
Lets face it, I could write about Neo-Nazi’s and within 2 comments there would be comments about sausages, fuzzy felt or the colour beige.
Oh well, toodle-pip for now and may you all get tons of cards, flowers and choccies.
Filed under: Comment
It’s coming up to Chinese New Year [it’s the year of the ‘pig’ if you were wondering] and Asia is going mental.
CNY is really interesting because it is dictated by cultural ‘rules’. Everything has meaning from who the order you visit people right through to the ritual of eating the food … and I have to say, I do find it very exciting.
Seriously, you can’t turn for decorations, drums, food stalls and bloody awful ads by brands trying desperately to capitalise on the present giving season.
One of the best is this classic pile of poo from COKE – as they desperately promote their 8 product lines, simply because 8 is a lucky number in Asian culture.
It’s almost insulting … actually scrub that, it IS insulting … and shows just how greedy, arrogant and short-sighted the brand is.
Mind you, as pathetic as that is, nothing beats this ‘gift’ from American Express.
OK, I admit it … I’m a platinum AMEX card holder. Sue me!
I actually spend quite alot of money with them because I book all my flights and hotels with it – and given the amount of travelling I do, that racks up to be quite alot of dollars.
So imagine my surprise when as a ‘valued customer’ I was given A MOUSE MAT.
Ooooooooh, that really shows they care about me, doesn’t it. Hell, I mean that thing must be worth at least 4 …5 … maybe even 6 cents!
This is one of the most pointless consumer gifts EVER … only beaten by Singapore Airlines who decided I was worthy of their absolutely butt-ugly diary.
Seriously, what World do these marketing people live on?
Don’t they realise we know they just are buying cheap tat and then shoving their logo on it? I’d rather they gave me nothing than insult me with this tosh.
I know they say ‘it’s the thought that counts’ … but let me tell you NO THOUGHT WHATSOEVER went into this!
And before I go, can someone tell me what is it with Mouse Mats that companies find so attractive – apart from price? I mean, does anyone actually use one anymore – especially now with laser mouse [or is it mice?]
Another great example of CRM … Customer Revulsion Marketing.
Right I hope I’ve assured a couple of you [Take a bow Pete and Ian!] that despite all the happiness and excitement I’ve had over the last few days – engagement isn’t going to change me, I’m still going to be the angry, old fart I’ve always been.
[Oh isn’t Jill such a lucky, lucky lady eh! Ha!]
PS: Because it’s CNY, I get a short holiday [Yay!] … well, I do after going to Hong Kong for a pitch and Tokyo for a meeting … so this blog might not be updated for a few days but I ask you – no, make that BEG you – to sign the sausage petition because it’s very, very important to a lot of people. Especially Marcus, Andy and me.
Filed under: Comment
The most expensive ‘small thing’ in the World. [OK, in MY World!]
So I think some of you out there know about the ‘weirdness’ going on in my life at the moment – however at the weekend, I did one of the best and most sensible things I’ve ever done in my life.
I got engaged to Jill.
Despite me being 36 years old … despite me taking the piss out of her with Jillyism’s … despite me dragging her all around the World … despite me having physical similarities to Woody Allen and Bob Dylan … despite me having an alarming lack of maturity and responsibility … despite me having weird friends … despite me releasing a bunch of my skeletons to the wider World … she said yes and I couldn’t be happier.
Of course I was dead romantic. Oh yes.
I spent ages thinking of ways to ‘pop the question’ … including doing it on this blog[!] … and after a surreal conversation with her parents asking for permission [which somewhat scarily they gave!] I’d decided to go out, buy some coffee’s and put the ring inside the bag then casually mention I’d bought a ‘little treat’ so she’d rush over to the bag and rip it open [she likes treats] only to see the ring lying there in all it’s overpriced glory.
More enjoyable than a diamond ring?
However, after some thought, I realised Jill loves sweet treats so much, she’d probably be really disappointed if I hadn’t really got her a muffin so in the end, after a sleepless night, I nervously woke her up early Saturday morning and with tears in my eyes [happy tears I should add] I performed an adaptation of my one and only ring trick [see below]
Because she was half asleep, her first reaction was “I’ve seen this trick, why are you showing it to me?” but then, when her eyes caught sight of the bling and she realised what was really going on, she shouted yes and I suddenly had a fiance. [OH MY GOD!]
Now I know this isn’t exactly the thing to say … but can someone tell me why diamonds cost so bloody much. [I don’t think it’s a coincidence fiance sounds so close to finance!]
Yeah … yeah … they are a precious stone – but the thing is I can walk down any high street, in any city, in any country and find the bloody things in every Jewellery Shop window – so I have to ask, just how ‘rare’ are they?
Then there’s the fact diamonds have about 8,000 different ‘grading’ attributes – which either drives up or drives down the cost of the little things.
There can be 2 seemingly identical diamonds but with a price difference of thousands of dollars, simply because some so-called ‘expert’ tells you one is a ‘A’ grade while the other is a ‘D’. I wouldn’t mind except in most cases, you can’t tell the bloody difference between the two.
[Mind you, that’s ‘blokes’ who can’t tell the difference … women are educated from birth about how to spot a quality diamond so you can’t pull the wool over their eyes, however hard you may try. Damn!]
However there is one thing the Diamond Industry have come up with to keep the price of their ‘output’ high … and it is quite possibly the best marketing scam EVER.
In the REAL World, if you buy a product, you tend to get a guarantee that states …
1 The item is what you believe it is
2 If anything goes wrong, it is proof of purchase and they’ll fix it for you.
Not with diamonds though. Oh no.
If you want your diamond to have an official ‘guarantee’ [ie: if you sell it one day, the purchaser knows it’s a certified diamond] they con you into paying another 25% for the thing.
That’s right, they charge 25% more FOR THE SAME DIAMOND just so you can have a piece of paper that says “This is a diamond. Honest!”
So not only do the bastards try and guilt-trip you into spending 2 months of your hard-earned salary on a minute stone that comes from bloody coal … then they say you have to pay a whole heap more of cash just so you can be ‘sure’ it’s genuine!
Isn’t that astounding? Almost as astounding as the fools who do it! [ie: Andy who has bought god knows how many during his numerous marriage and engagements!]
Now don’t think I’m a cheap bastard – I’ve bought some expensive things in my life … car, house, guitars – even my watch – but nothing in the World has cost me so much cash for …
1 Something so small
2 Something I don’t even get to keep
.. I am sure it’s an anti-male conspiracy … and 2/1 Germaine Greer has something to do with it!
The Happy Couple [The one on the right is slightly happier as she got the ‘goods’!]
So there you go, I’m officially ‘off the market’ … though given my facial issue, it’s fair to say I’ve been off the market for a very, very long time. Ha.
So to my darling Jill … thanks for being the most wonderful, beautiful, loving, smart [despite the odd ‘Jillyism’] funny and [sometime] patient woman I’ve ever met … thanks for not judging on looks … thanks for saying yes … and may our lives together be full of fun, laughter and experiences. [But never going shopping for bathroom cabinets or carpets, Especially on a Sunday!]
HOLY FUCK, I’M GOING TO GET MARRIED.
Woo-hoo!
Taken just before I reminded her about the ring …
… then strangling me while proving ‘Diamonds ARE A Girls Best Friend!’
Filed under: Comment
Yes brothers and sisters, we need to unite because our friend – the mighty sausage – is facing obliteration from that ‘thing’ known as American Bacon.
Yes … read it again … AMERICAN Bacon.
No, not Danish Bacon … nor English Bacon … but A M E R I C A N Bacon.
And you know what that means don’t you?
Yep … tasteless, fatty, plasticy rubbish – and their bacon is just as bad. [Boom Boom!]
First they kick out the Brits, next they flood the World with rubbish, then they invade the Middle East AND NOW THEY GO TRY AND CLAIM THE BACON!
We must put a stop to it or soon we’ll have AMERICAN Fish & Chips … AMERICAN Strawberries & Cream … AMERICAN Champagne …
In a matter of days the voting will commence and we need you … so please rise up, call out for your friends and as one unified group, get clicking!
We will fight them on the grills … we will fight them on the BBQ’s … we will fight them in the low-heat ovens … we will fight them in the Fast Food Shops … but we shall never, we shall NEVER EVER surrender.
A vote for SAUSAGE is a vote against wrongful invasion … a vote for SAUSAGE is for the sanctity of freedom, independence, humanity, innocence, peace and democracy. A vote for SAUSAGE is your duty.
[PS: Thanks for the piccie Billy – have you filled it in on your timesheet, ha!]
Filed under: Comment
I know I’ve just gone on a rant about how wank Valentines Day is … but underneath it all, I’m a sensitive soul who craves any expression of love I can get!*
The good news [for you] is that I don’t need flowers, card or lip lovin’ [ladies only please] … all I need is you to visit the links listed below and vote for my beloved SAUSAGE
Come on, help me beat that evil AMERICAN BACON, you know it [sort-of] makes sense.
SAUSAGE Vote Site One
SAUSAGE Vote Site Two
* Please note this is more for dramatic effect than a real psychological problem. Well that’s my story and I’m sticking with it.
Andy’s sausage sandwich. About an hour ago. Can Yankee Bacon beat that? No, I don’t think so either.