The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

OK … OK … so I know I am setting myself up for a fall here … but when I flew back from Hong Kong, I was lucky enough to fly First Class.

Yes … yes … it’s total-over-priced wank, but given it was Chinese New Year, all the flights were full and so to get to my next destination, I just had to do it.

Anyway, while I was sat in my seat, looking like a plonker, waiting for take-off … this bloke got on the plane and immediately stopped a hostess to ask if there were any seats available on the first row of the plane because he was currently booked on Row 2.

Now given the difference between Row 1 and Row 2 is about 5 feet … the only reason I’ve been able to come up with is that this bloke is the most insecure human alive – petrified of being ‘behind someone’ because in his tiny, little mind, it means he is not ‘Numero Uno’ and there’s someone ahead of him in the pecking order of life.

I shouldn’t be too shocked because years ago, we tested a Business Class Only concept for Virgin Atlantic and found it wouldn’t work because Business Class Passengers are so tuned into sitting at the front of the plane, that if they were seated at the rear – regardless of it still being Business Class – they wouldn’t fly it.

So there you go … conclusive [sort-of] evidence that Business Class Passengers are – in the main – a bunch of insecure, chip-on-the-shoulder, knobends!

Talking of knobends … look at this …

For those who can’t tell what it is … it’s an article about Singapore’s high-priced Hamburger outlet – UberBurger – who have closed after just 11 months of trading.

UberBurger were located in the heart of the Business District and were famous for having a $101 Wagu Beefburger on their menu … however the reason I am bringing it to your attention is that they are blaming their failure on the fact that the IMF held their conference here late last year.

They are claiming all the added security for the delegates stopped passing trade … however there are 2 flaws to this argument …

1 Other food outlets in the same area all did pretty well

2 If anyone can afford a $101 burger, surely it’s the capitalist sods who attend the IMF conference?

I am fed up of people not taking responsibility for things …  I mean, when things are good people are all very quick to take credit for stuff but when things fail, they do everything in their power to pass the buck to some other poor sod.

The reason UberBurger didn’t work wasn’t because of the IMF … it wasn’t even because of their massively priced burgers … it was because it was a totally schizo business.

You see whilst they had the premium priced food, the place was decked out to look like every other cheap and cheerful Burger Joint … meaning no Businessmen wanted to be seen at it, because it just looked too tacky.

If they really wanted to stand a chance of success, they should have either made the interior as exclusive as the menu … or change location and go purely for the tourist trade … however by ignoring one of the most basic marketing rules [know your customer] they ended up spending – and losing – millions of dollars.

And they say Advertising people are irresponsible with money …

See … we may have lost the battle [or even the War] but as these pictures of our dinner show, we’ve not lost our love of the sausage.

Might get some proper rants back in now … I’ve certainly got lots of them to get out!

My Flickr site has now been hacked and tons of my photos either deleted or swapped. With this in mind, the blog has to go on ‘hold’ till the buggers sort out what’s going on – eitherway, there’s a load of the posts on this site with missing or inappropriate photos on them [nothing rude, bad luck]

Why do they do this? Why? It makes me sick.

A man wearing cowboy boots with steel toecaps!  And yes, he was an American!

Surely another reason to vote sausage … 

Is this the ponciest hotel breakfast bar in the World?

You didn’t have a table to eat at … oh no … you had to sit on a sofa and try to look sophisticated while shoving bircher muesli down your throat.

You’ll be happy to know I totally didn’t fit in because …

1 I’m not sophisticated.

2 I don’t like the overly poncy.

3 It was full of French people with perfectly sculptured hair.

However the bit I liked was that as stylish as this was, when you looked out the window you didn’t see a beautiful tree-lined street with copious amounts of models walking up and down … you saw this …

Hong Kong in all it’s polluted, hustle-and-bustle glory … where everytime you look up in the air, you see financial institution next to financial institution …

… all trying to look bigger, better, tougher and harder than the other.

Seriously, it’s like a Miss World competition where all the contestants try and flirt a little bit harder with the judges, smile a little bit broader with the cameras and stick their boobs out a little bit further for the men in the audience – except in this case, they’re buildings trying to look mean and imposing rather than attractive and sophisticated.  Hmmmn, not really the best analogy I’ve ever come up with is it?  Oh well …

Inkeeping with the bank theme, I was actually in HK to meet with a bank who was interested in talking to us about doing some work for them. 

Putting aside the fact the meeting was a disaster for a few reasons [it doesn’t help when 50% of the marketing team haven’t seen the brief we were given and don’t know we were there] what I found really interesting was that one of the Bankers said they were a “… much nicer, warmer, caring bank than the competition”

When I asked why she would say that, she said they just were … she couldn’t give me any reasons, that’s just what she thought – which all goes to show how much people can live in denial of the cold hard facts. 

Don’t get me wrong, some banks do operate by an ethical code [Westpac in Australia for example] but in the main, they are a bunch of greedy, arrogant, financially obsessed individuals who have as much interest in humanity as Pol Pot – and given this organisations goal is to triple turnover in 3 years – you can be pretty safe in saying they’re NOT as warm, fluffy and cuddly as this person likes to think they are. 

Sure, compared to George Bush they might be nicer, but in the REAL, EVERYDAY WORLD, they are still pretty crap.   

I love how people involved in areas that are less salubrious – finance, law, weaponry and advertising – all try and justify their position by making lofty proclamations like …

“We help invest in your potential”

“We ensure justice for the people”

“We ensure peace prevails”

“We help people make decisions”

… when in the majority of cases [not all, but in most] the reality is …

“Money is our cocaine”

“We keep big business safe”

“Killing is our business. And business is good”

“Brainwashing for commerce”

I remember once presenting to a bank and the opening slide was, “BANKING IS LIKE ADVERTISING, A NECESSARY EVIL” to which 4 executives simply got up and walked out.  They were outraged because – and this was the scary bit – they truly believed the public loved and valued them!

Of course, not all banks are bad… and to be fair, many categories have a similar arrogance/ignorance in their approach to what they do … but is it any wonder so much communication is so bad when the people shaping it have one eye on their own ego throughout the whole process?

It’s the modern day ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ and I love being the person who shouts out “He’s Naked!”