Filed under: Crap Campaigns In History
I literally don’t know where to start.
It might be the most perfect bad ad ever created. EVER CREATED.
What am I talking about? This.
Yes, I know it’s a social media post, but it’s still an ad.
Something – let us not forget – that is supposedly created to help cultivate or encourage a commercially beneficially change of attitude or behaviour with a specific audience for a specific brand.
Through that lens, let’s look at that ad again.
Seriously, is there a single thing OK with it?
The headline is shit.
The premise of the headline is shit.
The language used in the headline is shit.
The picture is shit.
The ‘call to action’ of NEW PHONE. OWN IT. is shit.
The contrived ‘yoof’ tone when it’s so obviously coming from a uber-corporate company is shit.
Actually, ‘shit’ is the wrong word. It’s stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I absolutely hate every single thing about this piece of communication.
For me, it is pollution … pure and simple.
If anything, it has the absolute opposite effect Telstra would want from it.
It doesn’t make me want to buy a new phone.
It doesn’t make me want to buy a new phone from them.
It makes me not want anything to do with TELSTRA.
Triple whammy!
I know in the 50’s, the approach to marketing was ‘find ways to give your audience new news’ but apart from that being a different time in terms of consumerism, it was also a different time in terms of ability to engage with your audience.
In a World where the ability to connect and engage with an audience is almost constant, brands need to understand the secret to building some sort of audience value is knowing when to use that right as opposed to trying to brainwash them with meaningless shit like this.
For the record, that right should only be executed when you have something to say that directly addresses what people want to know/hear/learn from you … as opposed to what you want them to know/hear/learn from you.
Of course the reason this sort of rubbish happens is because there’s still a ton of brands out there who think social media is brilliant because it lets them ‘push’ all their marketing out to the World for free.
For them, effectiveness is not about ‘return’, it’s about hypothetical value which they will say is calculated by financial outlay, divided by potential audience size … which is handy, because this sort of work is going to achieve them absolute zero return.
Which is why I bet TELSTRA did this themselves.
At least I hope they did … because if an ad agency was behind it, then they need to go kill themselves immediately.
Filed under: Crap Campaigns In History, Crap Marketing Ideas From History!
I’ve written about how delusional some brands can be.
Well guess what, I’m going to write about it again.
Admittedly, what I’m about to talk about is now where near as mental as that Costa ‘coffee hub’ bollocks, but it’s bad all the same.
So a few weeks ago, I was reading a magazine, a music mag, when I came across this:
Yes, it really is an ad for a leaf blower.
In a music magazine.
But that’s not the mental thing … oh no … what’s mental is the strapline used by Stihl.
“We Share Your Passion”
What the fuck are you talking about.
You think I like blowing leaves around?
Are you insane?
Of all the things I could possibly do, blowing leaves around is probably in the last 10% of my list – and that’s only that high because I am imagining a mountain of piled up leaves that I can blow into the garden of all the people I hate.
If Stihl really share my passion, then they would be talking about Queen, Birkenstocks, stupid gadgets and – despite ruining my life – Nottingham Forest … but they don’t which means this is another bullshit line designed by a planner who claimed it would help convey ‘a human voice’ as well as drive ‘engagement’ with their target audience when in reality, all it does is massively alienate and cause ridicule.
And that’s before you take into account they placed this in a bloody Rock music magazine.
Of course, maybe I’m wrong.
Let’s face it, I’m not the target audience so maybe this line – and this ad – is the product of extensive and exhaustive research … proven to appeal strongly to a very distinct group of leaf-blowing addicts. Though if it is, I have to tell the people of Stihl that I’m not sure hanging their longterm, sustainable future on selling products to the mentally deranged or Stihl employees is the smartest move they could make.
But all that aside, this still doesn’t escape the very fact that this all ends up saying far more about my choice of music and magazine than it does about their choice of target audience.
Damnit.
Filed under: Crap Campaigns In History, Crap Marketing Ideas From History!
Have a look at this …
Putting aside the ever so slight over-promise and over-exageration that Costa are offering a ‘world class business platform’ that ‘fuels the best meetings, ideas and people’ … the bit that makes me laugh the most is that all they’re actually offering is a coffee machine.
A massive, unsightly coffee machine.
A massive, unsightly, over-the-top coffee machine that requires you to do everything except boil the water for their watered down, poor excuse for a coffee.
That is unless you force some poor secretary to make it for you in a bid to delude yourself that you are important when really you’re st another victim of the annual brainstorm meeting.
And then there’s the claim this visual monstrosity was created by leading design and technology experts.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
What leading design and technology experts was that then … the same ones who designed the outfit for Coco The Clown?
Hell, even the way they have added ‘Express’ to their name is annoying.
Not only does it look like a cheap after-thought, it hardly conveys the image cues of groundbreaking ideas … whatever the image cues for groundbreaking ideas actually are.
Look, I get they want to expand their market.
I get they want to brand themselves as offering unique values.
But it’s all utter bollocks isn’t it.
They may claim a cup of their coffee will enable you to stomp around the office a little bit taller and a teensy-bit more confident … but what they’re basically selling is the equivalent of popping into your kitchen at home to make a cup of instant coffee … except it costs 10 times as much, tastes 10 times less enjoyable
Actually that’s wrong.
Because with the Costa Express Self-Serve Coffee Bar [TM] not only you find yourself holding a massive purple cup that screams “I AM A MIDDLE LEVEL NO BODY WITH ABSOLUTELY NO TASTE”, you’ll also earn the ridicule of your colleagues when, instead of coming up with a World Class idea as stated in the above ad, you’ll stress out when asked what you’d like to order for lunch from the brainstorm menu.
I’ve been in this industry for a long time … I’ve heard all sorts of over-claim and ridiculous reframe … but I have to take my hat off to Costa for pushing the boundaries of big-talking to a whole new level.
They sign off the ad with ‘GET A TASTE’, they should have replaced it with ‘GET A LIFE’.
Come and take a bow Volvo.
Of course you’re #nofilter, that’s because you’ve airbrushed and image-tuned that car to within an inch of its life.
Seriously, do you think people don’t see that?
Do you think people go, “Wow, that’s the most naturally stunning thing I’ve ever seen!”
Trust me, they won’t.
Where naturally stunning is concerned, people tend to talk about sunrises, landscapes or Scarlet Johansson not some boxy Volvo that still looks like a boxy Volvo after 400 hours of airbrushing has been added to it.
If you honestly think this will make someone change their view of Volvo then you know even less about your audience than I thought you did.
Mind you, given you’ve spent 15 years trying – and failed – to find a contemporary positioning for your brand and now are just hanging your hat on the fact it “looks less boxy than your older cars”, it’s pretty obvious you’ve failed to grasp both who you are and who you can be targeting.
Maybe the next hashtag you should use is #fail
… have a look at this.
Yes, it’s a bank trying to sound supportive and inspirational.
Actually, it’s not just a bank … it’s Citibank, the company who has been bathed in all manner of scandals from wrongful selling of financial products to the wrongful use of their customers cash and countless things in-between.
If you can’t read the copy properly [which in some ways, you should be grateful for], here it is in all it’s patronising, contrived horror-story glory …
If they were being honest, they would add the following at the bottom of all that fawning praise for the next generations potential:
“… and Citibank will turn down your dreams for helping the World with cures for illness or opportunities for technology because we only help the big boys unless you are willing for us to weigh you down with so much debt that you’d have to turn into the next Google to stand a chance of actually making your dream a commercial reality.”
Though now I come to think about it, the next generation won’t even get a chance to be turned down for a loan, because Citibank will have burdened their family with such high mortgage and credit card debt, they won’t be able to be sent to a school or university that can help them nurture their dreams, ambitions and hopes for a better, happier future.
I find it fascinating that banks – after all the widely acknowledged shit they have done and caused – continue with this head-in-the-sand approach to marketing.
If Citibank were as clean-as-a-whistle, I’d get it [though they should be telling people that rather than some meaningless, bland corporate-talk beigeness] but they’re not and they’d stand far more chance in getting people to believe them if they followed what I call the 8 Mile strategy and took on all the stuff people could say about them, to rob them of the power that they have over them.
But sadly the financial industry don’t admit failure or fault. They have been told by their highly paid lawyers, it’s better to stick it out, regardless of the anger it causes, than try to put the past right and face paying out money.
And that is why I hate banks.
I shouldn’t hate banks. What they do – in theory – is a wonderful thing … but those days are long past, which is why society has to put up with this sort of marketing bollocks that does more to alienate than attract. But they don’t care, because it’s to keep them in the delusional bubble they reside in which is why the only good thing I can say to Citibank about this campaign, is that at least they’re not HSBC.
Bank advertising. The scariest thing you’ll see this halloween.