The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

[Please Note These Links Are Not For People Of A Nervous Disposition]

Apparently I’m a fetid, puss oozing c**t that give c**ts anywhere a bad name – though I am hoping [or deluding myself] that they actually mean my RKCR namesake.

Though I doubt it. *

I have to say, whilst part of me finds this sort of thing amusing … calling a bunch of people a bunch of names behind a mask of anonymity isn’t very big, clever or brave … especially as the ultimate revenge would be to take their anger and create something with it that makes the people who upset them choke on their views.

But hey, who am I kidding … we live in a World where the ‘illusion of gratification’ is for many people, good enough – though I’d love to know what the real reasons are for people slagging others off, just to see if it was justified or another example of the entitlement generation throwing their toys out of the pram.

I’m all for giving people with genuine grievances a platform to speak out without the risk of ‘corporate revenge’ … but what so many blogs and sites like this are actually doing is pandering to the ‘has been, never was’ fraternity … people who feel hard done for not getting the rewards or respect they believe they are due, even though they’ve never done anything to actually earn it.

Of course adland is one of those rare industries that can – and sometimes does – promote the insipid and the talentless to positions of ridiculous importance … but it appears to me that many of the comments are more to do with personal revenge than anything with real substance.

“Listen, nobody got into this business to play it safe. And we’re all here because we wanted to be and you’re all acting like it’s another job – but it’s not”.

That comes from the broadway play/film A Chorus Line and I like it because I am meeting way too many people who think that just because they work in adland or a a cool agency in adland, they’re hot shit and that’s just the wrong attitude to have.

Whether it’s corporate, packaging or industrial, I find it unbelievably interesting and can even look past the fact many of them justify their actions with the sort of explanation you’d expect from some two-bit tinpot dictator.

Over the years I’ve had the great pleasure of working with some amazing designers – and I include my wife in that group because even though she say the odd jillyism late at night, during the day she’s a bloody awesome and talented designer – and it never fails to amaze me how many factors they take into account when they are developing their ideas.

Which leads me to this post.

Imagine you want to develop a product that will help reduce stresses and headaches.

Imagine it’s a product that you have to put on your head to make it work.

Imagine it’s called the uCrown2.

With that all in mind, what do you think would be some important components you’d have to consider in the design process?

Something light weight perhaps?

Something you could feasibly wear at any time and any location?

Something that looks gentle?

To be honest, I’m not sure but I’m as sure-as-shit it wouldn’t be something that looked like this:

Who the hell did OSIM – a Singaporean based health technology company – get to design this, Josef Mengele?

Fuck me, just looking at the thing makes me feel stressed and gives me a headache … so god knows what it must do when you actually put it on.

Am I the only person who thinks it looks like the sort of contraption you’d see in a horror movie or some alien abduction doco?

Seriously, that thing scares me … especially the dial over the ear … that’s pure evil.

Surely it could have been made to look nicer.

I know the man on the ad looks like he’s in orgasmic ecstasy, but let’s face it – it would be more embarrassing being seen coming out the back of a sheep than wearing that poor excuse for a BMX helmet!

In short, it’s absolutely horrendous and whilst I appreciate the ad is to attract interest … whoever had the bright idea to actually ‘show’ the product in use is stark, raving mad … because in a choice between a headache or looking a twat … I’m pretty sure the headache is the much more preferable option.

Saying that, my favourite bit is the fact the ‘talent’ used in the ad is wearing a tie.

Are they really suggesting this is the sort of item busy executives could wear at work to help them be more effective.

Come on, let’s be serious here … if you were seen wearing that during office hours, your bosses would put you in a jacket with no sleeves rather than respect your desire to be sharp and focused.

That’s it … there’s nothing I can really add so how about I talk to you about this:

That … ladies and gentlemen … is my calculator.

Not just any calculator … but the same one I have had since 1980.

NINETEEN EIGHTY!!!

Half you bastards weren’t even born back then … but what’s even more astounding [as well as explain why I’m not very good at maths] is that it’s still on the same battery.

I know – that sounds amazing doesn’t it – but it’s true … I have a battery that is older than the sperm that created you.

And here’s the thing, I love it.

Let me clarify … I love the calculator, not the sperm that created you. [Sorry]

What’s funny is that when I got it, my school chums took the piss saying it was the size of a BBC Computer [think ‘Apple Mac’ but for UK schools in the 80’s] and now when people see it, they laugh because it’s an antique … but I don’t care … it’s a friend that has seen me through all manner of situations and circumstances.

It’s helped me work out how much it would cost to buy all the things I want from the Argos catalogue.

It’s made me laugh when I typed 55378008

I like that it’s big and ugly … I like that it’s got the most boring colour scheme known to man … I like how it feels … I like that it’s complex and has buttons that I’ve never ever used … and whilst the IKEA lamp ad would say I am a misguided sentimentalist, the fact is it’s been there through my most pivotal of days … from school exams and first job through to the purchase of my first house and car through to leaving England and saying goodbye to my Dad … so getting rid of it wouldn’t be getting rid of an out-of-date calculator, it would be me turning my back on something that helps me feel linked to my past, my heritage, my home.