The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

What’s The Definition Of A Balanced Businessman? When They Have A Chip On Each Shoulder.
February 21, 2007, 4:14 pm
Filed under: Comment


OK … OK … so I know I am setting myself up for a fall here … but when I flew back from Hong Kong, I was lucky enough to fly First Class.

Yes … yes … it’s total-over-priced wank, but given it was Chinese New Year, all the flights were full and so to get to my next destination, I just had to do it.

Anyway, while I was sat in my seat, looking like a plonker, waiting for take-off … this bloke got on the plane and immediately stopped a hostess to ask if there were any seats available on the first row of the plane because he was currently booked on Row 2.

Now given the difference between Row 1 and Row 2 is about 5 feet … the only reason I’ve been able to come up with is that this bloke is the most insecure human alive – petrified of being ‘behind someone’ because in his tiny, little mind, it means he is not ‘Numero Uno’ and there’s someone ahead of him in the pecking order of life.

I shouldn’t be too shocked because years ago, we tested a Business Class Only concept for Virgin Atlantic and found it wouldn’t work because Business Class Passengers are so tuned into sitting at the front of the plane, that if they were seated at the rear – regardless of it still being Business Class – they wouldn’t fly it.

So there you go … conclusive [sort-of] evidence that Business Class Passengers are – in the main – a bunch of insecure, chip-on-the-shoulder, knobends!

Talking of knobends … look at this …

For those who can’t tell what it is … it’s an article about Singapore’s high-priced Hamburger outlet – UberBurger – who have closed after just 11 months of trading.

UberBurger were located in the heart of the Business District and were famous for having a $101 Wagu Beefburger on their menu … however the reason I am bringing it to your attention is that they are blaming their failure on the fact that the IMF held their conference here late last year.

They are claiming all the added security for the delegates stopped passing trade … however there are 2 flaws to this argument …

1 Other food outlets in the same area all did pretty well

2 If anyone can afford a $101 burger, surely it’s the capitalist sods who attend the IMF conference?

I am fed up of people not taking responsibility for things …  I mean, when things are good people are all very quick to take credit for stuff but when things fail, they do everything in their power to pass the buck to some other poor sod.

The reason UberBurger didn’t work wasn’t because of the IMF … it wasn’t even because of their massively priced burgers … it was because it was a totally schizo business.

You see whilst they had the premium priced food, the place was decked out to look like every other cheap and cheerful Burger Joint … meaning no Businessmen wanted to be seen at it, because it just looked too tacky.

If they really wanted to stand a chance of success, they should have either made the interior as exclusive as the menu … or change location and go purely for the tourist trade … however by ignoring one of the most basic marketing rules [know your customer] they ended up spending – and losing – millions of dollars.

And they say Advertising people are irresponsible with money …

34 Comments so far
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I am still in mourning over the sausage, but tell me, was that $101 burger any good? Would it beat your sausage sandwich? The hard issues need to be resolved. Nice to have you back. Any news on you know what?

Comment by Pete

While I DID eat a Uber, only the cheap and nasty burgers entered my gob.

Hell, even when I flew 1st class, I asked if I could have the food from Economy because it was far too poncey for my tastes.

I’m from Nottingham mate … we don’t do classy, despite what Lauren may try and have you believe.

I’ll call you tonight to give you an ‘update’ … don’t know who is tracking this blog nowadays, ha!

Comment by Rob

I have never flown 1st class. Is it any good? Do you get there quicker?

Comment by Marcus Brown

Yes you do get there quicker … by about 40 feet.

Comment by Rob

Next time I go to HK im hoping to be able to afford Premium Economy, just so I can actually move my legs when I get there!

(VA arent stingy on leg room, im just quite tall, and the guy in front decided to use his seat as a deck chair…)

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Oh and it appears that you are right about Uberburger. Talk about lack of business sense…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Tell me when you next fly to HK … I’ll see what George can ‘negotiate’ on your behalf.

Comment by Rob

Haha! I certainly will, might not be til 2008; but my girlfriend has to renew her idcard thing every few years, so it wont be too long!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

OK … you never know, especially as George keeps reminding us how good chums he is with the bearded wonder. [What makes it worse is that he really IS good chums with the bearded wonder, ha!]

Just emailed the World with requests for questions about the Future Marketing Summit – will send you anything I get back that doesn’t involve sausages.

Comment by Rob

I dunno, but i’m guessing the knobend who asked for row 1 might of thought that he might get that little bit of extra leg room like the peeps at the front of economy get? That or he’s just a knobend…

Comment by Age

Age – don’t give him any ‘out’ … the guys a knobend and that’s final.

How are you? Any good news for us to hear yet?

Comment by Rob

Worth a try!
Considering we were planning on sticking with VA wherever we go its a useful possibility!

I might allow one sausage based suggestion, if only to cheer Marcus up…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

You are too kind … [to Marcus, not to Branson for sticking with his airline!]

Comment by Rob

Well, he is a sausage legend! (Marcus, not Branson… though Branson deserves eternal credit for the records he helped make in the 70s/80s through Virgin Records).

One thing I loved about going VA was the safety video, featuring cartoons instead of bored air hosts. Then Branson personally appears and says thanks for flying VA… its a lovely personal touch, even though its on 300 other screens in the plane!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

I am actually thinking about some proper grown up stuff for Mr. Mortimer.

Comment by Marcus Brown

Holy Moly … Marcus in mature SHOCK!

The sausage debacle really affected him didn’t it!

Comment by Rob

only joking.

Comment by Marcus Brown

I was worried then..!

Im sure he’ll find an intelligent thought provoking comment, that is perfectly applicable to a sausage company

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Yes, it’ll be something like … do you think brands should be rewarded for their popularity when it is obvious they have achieved it using immoral methods?

Comment by Rob

Is the abuse of animals in comedic marketing a suitable way of selling tasty meat based products?

Comment by Rob Mortimer

not sure I approve of the negative spin sausage is getting here.

Comment by Marcus Brown


Comment by Rob Mortimer

Marcus suffers from Sausage Cupid Disease – he’s basically in love with the bastards! [The boys say Hi by the way and poor Billy is has to have his gall bladder removed and as someone who has had it done, I appreciate the pain he must be in. His lack of sausage vote participation can – for once – be understood]

Comment by Rob

hang on a minute – you like economy food better than first class food??! singapore airlines must have some uptown food for the cattle classes (or the sausage classes as it may be for you, rob) if you’d prefer it over proper cutlery and crockery, decent portions and possibly even enough milk to have a decent cup of tea!

Comment by lauren

Poor Billy. Europe sends it’s regards.

Comment by Marcus Brown

Poor Billy! Best wishes from the kingdom of sausages.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Enough about poor Billy – we’ve just sent him quite possibly the biggest “GET WELL” goodie bag in the known Universe including a bloody portable DVD player and 20 movies. It would seem cynic think it’s the 80’s and flamboyant spending is alive and well.

Yes Lauren – I asked for cheapo crappy food rather than a confit of pomme tart covered pork loin with gratin potato crumble or some other poncey shite.

I told you … I am from Nottingham, home of guns and dodgy food.

Comment by Rob

There is something wrong with me, I like crap plain food (and the occasional pot noodle). I don’t like those three quarter size cans though – what’s up with that?

Comment by NP

There is nothing wrong with you NP other than you are unfortunately related to me and should be from Nottingham rather than Leeds.

Comment by Rob

And there’s nothing to be ashamed of regarding the ‘Pot Noodle’.

Years ago I worked on the brand and the client – whose name escapes me – was most concerned to find it was actually my meal of choice.

No poncy London food tucker for me … a good ol’ Chicken Pot Noodle with extra Soy Sauce was all I needed for a contented tum.

My colleagues didn’t know whether to admire me or pity me – but I didn’t care, I got to scoff a nice hot meal [ahem] for free while they coughed up a fortune each day for Pret a Manger or … if they were a big-wig … a feed at the Ivy.

Of course eventually I got tired of the same old dried snack … so to broaden my food repetoir, I went off to ‘Mummy’ and worked on Super Noodles instead.

Sad? Me? Yep.

Comment by Rob

the only reason i spoke to you was because you liked pot noodle. well that and the fact you played decent fuzzball and werent a complete fuckwit.

Comment by andy@cynic

3 compliments in one post Andy … you’ll be buying me flowers next. Oh hang on, you’ve done that as well haven’t you! [OK, they were for Jill really!]

Well the only reason I spoke to you was because when we stood next to eachother, I looked so good in comparisson, ha.

Now stop blogging and get back on the VC, George and I are waiting.

Comment by Rob

Sacrum is having some mild success with Naked in London.

Comment by Marcus Brown

Oh dear – and Naked are my friends too!

Will this change what I think of them???

Comment by Rob

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