Filed under: Advertising, America, China, Doctor, Emotion, Empathy, Experience, Eye, Health, Travel
So today, I am going to the surgeon for my eye.
As I’ve written a bunch about, it’s not going great – in fact this is the first time in my life I’ve had an issue that [1] has lasted almost an entire year and – despite being diligent about the treatment I am on – [2] has got worse rather than better.
Last Tuesday I was given some medical results that led to – with no hyperbole whatsoever – the 4th worst day of my life.
Given the days that ‘beat it’ include my Dad dying and my Mum, you can tell it not only was bad, but really fucked me up for a bit.
To be quite honest, it the impact it had on my feelings, thoughts and behaviors scared me – which is why I am so grateful to so many people for reaching out and checking in, with a special mention to Peter, who – with the people he represents and works with – not only organized for one of the World’s leading surgeons in my diagnosis to get personally involved in my case, but to also provide me access to a place where they offer very specialized help and support to people in my situation an an island far, far away from distractions, interruptions and noise. I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but it’s pretty obvious words won’t do it justice.
On the bright side, it also led me to churn out my Life vs Age ‘thing’ … which was more my way to try and drown out the noises and concerns screaming in my head than any act of magnanimous generosity … and yet it led to 2 publishers, a Grammy winning founder of a production company, BBC Radio 4 and literally hundreds of people getting in touch to share their stories and offer their help.
For one of the worst days of my life, it was nice that some sunshine was still able to find a way through the cracks.
Anyway, the reason why last Tuesday was so bad was because of a result I had relating to the pressure in my eye.
Despite being put on the ‘nuclear option’ of meds, my surgeon broke the news to me that not only had they made no difference whatsoever – which is obviously bad – they didn’t know what was triggering it, which is an extra-level of bad.
In fact his exact words were:
“I’m sorry to tell you this Robert, but your eye pressure is currently out of our control”/
If they are words you don’t want to hear, what happened next was definitely not what anyone would to hear.
Made worse by the fact I was the one that inadvertently opened the door to it.
Because when he said that, I stupidly asked, “Just how out of control is it?”
To which he described this …
Yep, an oil rig on fire with oil not just fueling its anger, but spreading it.
As images for a patient to consider, it’s not just scary it just destroys all your hope and confidence which is why later today I get to discover if the treatment we’ve done to try and counter it has been the equivalent of calling in Red Adair – the US oil rig fire fighting legend – or just throwing more petrol all over it.
For fucks sake, I hope it’s the wrinkly, Yank with a penchant for putting out flames option.
Guess I’ll find out later today … but I don’t mind admitting I’m not just shitting myself, I’m terrified. I feel so bad for the doctor who will be giving me the test because not only will they have a patient who will be as tense-as-fuck, they will feel me trying to read their every movement, expression and reaction in a bid to work out if they’re about to tell me good news or utterly fucked news … despite the fact they’ll literally be passing me the result about 3 seconds after the tests are complete. [Once an only child, always an only child, haha]
Anyway, this is all my way of saying there will be no more posts from me for over a week – you lucky bastards.
Well, I say that, but there’s one that I pre-wrote for tomorrow and one utterly terrible pre-written one for Halloween … but I don’t come back properly until the 3rd November – Mum’s birthday. Though they’re pre-written too – haha. That said, I should point out my absence is not down to whatever the results of my eye will be – I’m actually off on a ridiculous and wonderful trip to Shanghai, Beijing and Nashville – and so I just hope the news I get later today doesn’t take any of the shine off it.
Or should I say take any of my shine from being able to truly enjoy it.
We’ll see. But look after your eyes because I tell you, it’s only when you realise you may not be able to see the world around you that you actually start valuing the World around you. What a fucking sick way to find out … biology is a dark, sick and twisted bastard, haha.
Till the 3rd Nov, bye lovely people …
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AN UPDATE:
Had the test results and sadly, they were not good. Again. But there were some very positive news.
1. I’m officially a ‘medical celebrity’ who will apparently be studied and talked about by surgeons and trainee doctors for years so that’s a great achievement, obviously – haha.
2. The problem that started this whole journey off way back in January is finally fully under control [even though I’ll need meds for it for the rest of my life]
3. Because of this, the operation is still going ahead on Nov 12th, made possible by the intervention of Peter, who I mentioned above – who has ensured one of the world’s leading specialists in my area of diagnosis will come to NZ from the US to assist my surgeons with the approach for my treatment. Which is, let’s be honest, fucking amazing.
Whatever happens, the kindness and generosity of so many is what I’ll remember most from this whole shitshow. Though PM’s generosity is more than anyone else’s, haha.
While today had both shit and not-shit news, I feel way better than I did last week as we have a plan and an even stronger medical team. In fact, when telling a friend how much pressure had lifted from me, I told them I felt “like a new man” before correcting myself by saying, “I feel like the old me” which may be bad news for many but was meant to convey how I could feel my mischief, energy, take-no-prisoners-or-shit attitude rushing through my bones which means all is good and why I send big hugs and thanks to each and every one of you.
Everything you said and did meant the world to me.
More importantly, it made a big difference.
❤️ Rx