Given it’s my birthday a week today, you’d think I’d be in a good mood – but I’m not.
Not because of the age I turn, but because of the part of me I’ve lost.
You see a few weeks ago, I was at work when I realized I had lost my wedding ring.
Obviously, this would be devastating to anyone, but to make matters worse, my ring also incorporated my Dad’s wedding ring – which was the only thing of his that I still had.
I have no idea how this happened or where this happened.
I checked everywhere, spoke to everyone and revisited everything.
I went through office bins.
I went through every inch of my car.
I walked the streets, talked to passers-by and visited every place I’d been to that day.
But nothing.
To say I am still devastated is a massive understatement … because I am also angry and upset at myself.
I feel I was irresponsible in some way, even though I don’t know how.
But what I do know is that it was not only one of the only pieces of jewelry I have – not to mention the most important piece of jewelry I own – it was one of the only tangible connections to who I am and where I’m from.
Part of the metal had been wrapped around my Dad’s fingers … which always let me feel he was with me, even though he obviously was not. And my wife’s heart had chosen the other part of the metal that was wrapped around my finger … which helped me feel she was with me, even when we were apart.
Losing it – for me – feels like an act of disrespect and disregard to some of the people who matter most to me and I feel a real pain deep in my chest when I think about it.
I have tried to relive the day a thousand times.
Where I was.
What I did.
Who I was with.
And what makes it worse is that I feel the memory I need is there, but just out of reach …
So I push myself as hard as I can in an attempt to bridge the final gap and finally get the information I need.
Except I can’t … so I punish myself again and more.
I feel so sad and so sorry.
Sad for the situation but even more … sorry to my wife and sorry to my dad.
Sorry that they gave me something that symbolized how important I was to them only for me to go and lose it.
Worse, lose it but not realise it immediately.
It feels like I have just taken them – and all I am to them, and them to me – for granted.
It’s a painful feeling.
It’s one that I don’t know I will ever get over.
Because it wasn’t made of precious metal, it was made from precious people.