The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

A weird week – at least in terms of this blog – in so much that there’s been posts about love, gratitude, distain and judgement.

And while I could end the week with a post celebrating Jill’s birthday – which is tomorrow – fact is she hates being the focus of attention, especially on this blog, plus I basically wrote something for her on Monday. Haha.

Which means there is only one subject matter that I can write about today and that’s for Paul – who also turns 54 this Sunday.

As people who know me or have followed this blog for a while, you’ll know Paul is my oldest dearest friend.

He was born 4 days after me and we have been in each-others lives ever since.

Hell, given Mum and Dad have both passed away, he has known me longer than any other person on this planet.

Put simply, I love him … and yet, this past year has been the hardest for our relationship.

I’m not going to go into the details why except to say that sometimes life throws curveballs that are hard to comprehend, accept or deal with … but I don’t mind saying it has been incredibly challenging for both of us, even though the reasons behind it may be slightly different.

What I can say is no one wants or wanted to hurt each other.
Both people – I believe/hope – still care deeply for each other.
But shit happens and the result is we probably have both ended up hurting each other even though that would never be either of our intentions.

If truth be told, I might be the one who has made it worse because I have to admit I have found the situation particularly difficult to move past. There’s a whole host of reasons for that – but what has made it worse is the fact I now live on the other side of the planet, so it’s been much more difficult to find the time to spend the time together.

But what’s added to it is that we’ve never been in this situation before and I didn’t know how to handle it.

Sure we’ve had our highs and lows, ups and downs over the 5 decades we’ve been in each others lives … we even once had a falling out for a month or so around the time we were 15 … but this has been much more challenging.

Maybe it is down to our ages.
Maybe it is down to our geographies.
Maybe it is down to the implications of what happened.

Maybe it’s all of these things and more, but the result is I have been deeply affected by it and it has had a truly adverse effect on my health and wellbeing.

What is positive is we have spoken very openly and plainly about the situation. In many ways, it has been one of the most in-depth conversations we’ve ever had in our lives. However I can sense that if we don’t put in the effort to move past it and properly reconnect … it could manifest into a parting of the ways. Not in terms of us no longer being friends, but in terms of us no longer being an active part of eachothers lives.

In the movie Bend It Like Beckham, there’s a scene where the father – who had been against his daughter playing football – finally tells her he is OK with her passion. Happy even. Not just because she has convinced him of her true love of the game, but because he has realized being angry at her would be like cutting his nose to spite his face.

I should point out I was not angry at Paul. Disappointed maybe, but not angry.

But I have also realized there’s absolutely no benefit to me continuing to feel this way.

It solves nothing.

I know he didn’t want to hurt anyone.
I know he knows he wishes he had handled things better.
And I know I have 54 years of history with this person that doesn’t just encompasses my whole life, but is my life.

Why would I do that? Why would I walk away from someone I love … someone who so much of my life has been shared with … someone who – on top of everything else – is the very last connection I have to where I am from and the history of who I once was?

Why the fuck would I want to do that?

How stupid would I be to choose to do that?

The reality is Paul and I have gone through so much together … love, loss, good days and bad. We’ve weathered every storm because at the end of the day, we had each others backs and we knew we loved each other. Hell, even living away from England for quarter of a century didn’t affect us. It’s a bond that is in many ways, deeper than blood.

I miss my friend.

I miss who he is, what we are and what we have.

My life is lesser for him not being so in it and I want to change it.

And it starts with this post.

Now I appreciate Paul may never read it – he never reads this blog – but on this occasion I hope he does. Because I want to tell him I love him and miss him. That I’m happy he’s in a good place. That I want to be there for him and I want him to be there for me. That my life needs him in it. I want to talk stupid shit with him and tell him to stop seeing Forest because they always lose when he goes. I want to hear how the Frothy Coffee Man is going. I want to tell him he’s a beautiful idiot, but he’s my beautiful idiot. I want to tell him that I don’t want to grow older without him being there by my side. Literally or metaphorically. Or both. Spouting nonsense or being sentimental about the stupid shit we did and will no doubt do in the future.

I know things are different and will be different … but that doesn’t mean we have to be different and so while it’s not the sort of gift he can hang on a wall or put on a shelf, I hope he sees this as my gift to him. A gift of love and hope … that we can get back to being who we have been for the past 54 years.

So to you Paul, I want to say this.

I love you.

I’m sorry I didn’t support you as I am sure you hoped I would.

I’m sorry I found it hard to get past certain aspects of the situation.

I’m sorry if I pushed you to do something you didn’t want to do.

I’m sorry I’ve been communicating via text rather than calls.

I know you didn’t intend to hurt me or anyone else for that matter.

I know you’re a good person.

I’m happy that you’re happy.

I hope this makes a difference.

I hope you have the happiest of birthdays.

I miss you with all I’ve got and hope we talk and see each other very soon.

And very often.

Even if it means you pelt me with more snowballs.

Big love and hugs my dearest friend.

Rx