The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

More Ways To Tell Whether Your Planner Is A Potential Danger To Your Business.
May 9, 2011, 6:23 am
Filed under: Comment

Following on from last weeks ‘intellectual’ variant, today we will focus on the ‘cool-as-fuck’ variety of the planning species.

1/ They will wear a t-shirt that either features the Motorhead logo [even though they will probably only know ‘Ace Of Spades’] or a brand the rest of us have never heard of but just reeks of being as cool as fucking fuck.

2/ At the end of every sentence, they’ll say “yeah?” as if he/she wants to be sure the audience is keeping up with their genius, even though secretly, they’ll be sure that is an impossible ask.

3/ Every reference they use will come from Fast Company or some underground music mag.

4/ They’ll use keynote with every fucking effect it can produce on every fucking slide.

5/ Their presentations will feature one word and some random – but gritty- looking image.

6/ Or just an abstract video.

7/ Or a photo of them. Stage diving or something. Probably from their facebook page where they can ‘accidently’ show they have 74,000 friends.

8/ And every presentation will start with a quote … either from a dead rock star, an indie song or a skateboarder.

9/ Then – when they present it – they’ll ignore everything on the screen and just walk about in their skinny jeans, sucking their cheeks in and saying things like, “You won’t of heard of these guys but …” and then proceed to show how they’re best mates with this bunch of losers/lucky bastards and that they hang out at the sort of hotspots only the hottest of filmstars go to. And they all take drugs together. Or talk about budhism.

10/ They absolutely, definitely, one thousand percent will talk about being a DJ. And they’ll say it in a tone like they’re the fucking bomb and if anything, planning is just their side project.

11/ Or photography. They’ll definitely be the greatest photographer in the World and will probably use their shots in their presentation. Either featuring miserable, drug addled teens or cliched hipsters. In a coffee shop.

12/ They will never, ever describe themselves as a planner. Always a trend hunter, chaser of the cool or follower of the fucking amazing.

13/ They only rate people with an arm of tattoos.

14/ They are convinced all the chicks in the room fancy them. And the men.

15/ They never. Never ever. Never, ever, ever talk about the general public or masses.

16/ They genuinely believe they are the smartest, coolest, most in touch person in the room … exemplified by their condescending views and remarks on the habits and beliefs of the audience, covering everything from their sad mainstream choice of music/fashion/tech/mags/cheese through to their naive views on who is the best writer of the modern age. Which will always be a magazine writer. Always.

17/ They’ll throw so many random facts at you that you’ll not realise till much later they haven’t voiced a single opinion or insight of their own, they’re just copied and pasted words/facts/terms that other people have told them, reported or actually got off their arse and done.

As there are 17 reasons compared to the usual 15, the rule is if you recognise 3 or more of the above traits in yourself – or someone you know – act swiftly and decisively because quite frankly, “normality” is going to kill you, you give us mere mortals the fucking shits and you’re not nearly as ‘connected’ or ‘brave’ as you think you are.

36 Comments so far
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Comment by Billy Whizz

Of what exactly Billy, you or the people I describe above?

Either way, please don’t put money on it – you can’t afford it now you’re a land owner.

Comment by Rob

homeowner? the fucker has bought a home? how and why.

Comment by andy@cynic

And you do #1 & #5 except the tees you wear are sad and ironic or old and unpopular. As for your presentations, they’re all one word and “quirky” image because you’ve only written one in your career. Good on getting the most out of it, bad for any poor bastard who has to sit through it.

Comment by Billy Whizz

OK, so on this point you have a point. Bugger.

And to make it worse, I just bought another bunch of terrible tees. I am a fucking cliche. Argh!

Comment by Rob

Apart from the planner references, this could be a description of
CP+B creative department circa 2004.

Comment by Pete

2004? Not based on what I saw in Friday.

Comment by Billy Whizz

In friday? IN FRIDAY? What does that mean – or is Friday the name of your boy/girl/pet friend?

Comment by Rob

friday is a client. its billy new business strategy.

Comment by andy@cynic

fucking dj planners fuck me off the most. at least you dont have that trait campbell, mainly because queen are the anti christ of sound and youd be fucking shot if you tried to play that shit in public and id be the one with the finger on the trigger.

they sit there thinking theyre so fucking cool even though theyre the adult equivalent of some schoolboy bedroom rockstar. wankers.

loving music and having a piss about is one thing, thinking youre better than whoever is the fucking cool fuck around at the time (clue campbell, its not dlt or noel fucking edmonds) isnt and they should be fucking drowned, especially if they have a fucking alter ego like dj awesomeness or mc hard ass trend killer.

you have some of the shitty traits on this list campbell. sure your version are diluted and bollocks but you have them so be fucking careful or ill do a list about you. and it would go to 100 points. and every one would be fucking shit.

you get let off because youre taking the piss out of the discipline that takes the piss. and for point 17, which i taught you is a clear sign youre not a fucking person in the know, but a cock who gets paid to be a fucking tape recorder and scanner of other peoples ideas.

now thats fucking deep.

Comment by andy@cynic

You wouldn’t have to do a list of 100 things, just #1 He’s Rob Campbell would be enough.

Comment by Billy Whizz

with that level of brutal fucking simplicity you should be at m&c. that might sound like a big fucking insult but it wasnt meant to be. for once.

Comment by andy@cynic

Somewhere in your comment I swear to god there is a compliment, but it’s so back handed, it’s bloody hard to tell.

You’ll like this …

So last week we were at a Converse conference and one of the speakers [with tongue firmly in cheek] announced his Hip Hop name was ‘Rhyme-noserus’. God bless him … not sure if people realised he was taking the piss or was being serious.

Oh god, I hope he wasn’t being serious.

And you know my views on DLT and Swap Shop has-been so don’t infer I like them, that’s libel.

Comment by Rob

you got dlts sloppy fucking seconds campbell. ill never let you forget that.

Comment by andy@cynic

How many times do I have to tell you, it was not sloppy seconds. Well, not to DLT anyway. God, how bad does that sound!

Comment by Rob

WHAT? You mean not every chick in the room fancies me?

* sob *

Comment by andrea

They’re bound to. You’re special …

Comment by Rob

#7 is, technically speaking, not possible.

Comment by Marcus

lauren likes this

Comment by lauren

Are you Doddsy in disguise.

OK, for 74,000 read 5,000. Happy?

Comment by Rob

that’s better.

Comment by Marcus

Petty bastard.

Comment by Rob

if you guys know anyone like that, send ’em my way. they sound like a total catch and i could do with an extra handbag or two.

Comment by lauren

What? Not every bloke in the room fancies me?

Comment by northern

also, technically speaking, not possible.

Comment by Marcus

Oh they do Northern … especially the bored house husbands who go to the gym and need a hunky, bald trainer to amuse them.

Comment by Rob

21 fucking reasons how to tell if the planner in front of you is robert campbell.

#1 his name will be robert campbell.
#2 hell wear a fucking queen tshirt.
#3 and stupid fucking birkenstocks.
#4 hell be bald, have a beard and look very much like a tramp off the street.
#5 any presentation he makes will look uncannily like the one you saw him do 6 fucking years ago.
#6 the uncouth fucker will swear a lot.
#7 he will pick fights with the audience, the sponsors and the industry.
#8 hell talk about gadgets no fucker cares about.
#9 and his wife, cat, mum, dad, queen and nottingham fucking forest.
#10 hell talk about ideas before ads.
#11 hell show a photo of himself when he had hair and was on the cusp of rock stardom.
#12 before he fucked it up.
#13 hell have more fucking opinions than a murdoch news editor
#14 hell spend vast amounts of cash taking weird fuckers to dinner. especially prostitutes and criminal fucking profilers.
#15 hell be flying on virgin atlantic.
#16 in upper class.
#17 for fucking free.
#18 with a fucking new ipad 27.
#19 also for fucking free.
#20 he wont credit me with anything even though the fucker owes me everyfuckingthing.
#21hell be more interesting, make more fucking sense and have better bastard ideas than most of the other fuckers in the industry.

if you see him, stay the fuck away, hell destroy your life.

Comment by andy@cynic

#22 hell write a blog that is 97% shit. 3% inspiration.
#23 i will be the 3 fucking percent.
#24 hell most likely write about how he is in love with his best mates massive cock.
#25 but hell be married to someone out of his league in beauty and talent.

Comment by andy@cynic


Comment by northern

fucking platinum. im better than gold. fuck it, im better than platinum but youre from pigeon country so gold is probably the most fucking valuable thing you can imagine. actually in your case its probably fucking tea but youre fucking weird.

Comment by andy@cynic

#26 hes fucking friends with blokes with fucked up monikers like northern fucking groper, famous rob and stick it up my ass and make me scream.

Comment by andy@cynic

#27 hell make out hes a nice guy but really hes a vicious little fuck.
#28 he will give a taste of some of the shit hes done in his life but fall short of coming out with it because his mum reads this bollocks.
#29 thats where i come in.
#30 i am a fucking saint.

Comment by andy@cynic

What’s got into you? Has the house fallen down again?

Comment by northern

im in a good mood. cant you fucking tell?

Comment by andy@cynic

It won’t last.

Comment by john

it hasnt.

Comment by andy@cynic

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