Filed under: Comment
It seems like I’ve been off for weeks [always a good sign of a good holiday] but today I am officially ‘back at work’ and as much as I love what I do, I could quite easily sit on my arse and do nothing for the rest of my life.
Now I know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong … and my mate, Mark, is living proof that you can have a great life without ever working.
No, he’s not a dole-bludger, it’s because he won a bucketload of cash on the National Lottery [plus a further FIFTY GRAND on a scratch card about 6 months later] and he’s done nothing but ‘live it up’ for the best part of 5 years without giving even a second thought towards working again!
OK … OK … he has invested his cash very, very, very well in property, but it’s hardly real work is it!? The Bastard … hahaha!
Anyway, I suppose what makes my first day back even worse is that I have to fly to Malaysia to speak at a 2 day conference … which is hardly ‘easing my way back into it’ eh?
The last time I had to give a speech on the first day back at work was years ago, at a conference when we’d just started cynic.
After I’d spoken, I asked if there were any questions and this bloke from DDB NYC said,
“That’s all very interesting, but given I’ve never heard of you or your company, why should I believe it?”
It was a fair question I suppose, and had he not had such a smug look on his face I am sure I would have answered it in a calm and professional manner … however, as he was obviously trying to look good infront of other ad agency folk – and I was in serious post-holiday depression – I found myself replying …
“Fair point … Fair point … but I’ve been talking for 40 minutes and I think everyone in this room knows what cynic stands for … your agency has been around for decades and I don’t know what the fuck you stand for!”
Cue: Riot.
Seriously, there was outrage and it was only made worse when Andy started shouting, “RIOT, RIOT, RIOT” which the microphone picked up and amplified at 10,000 decibels!
Of course, like most things, it all ended OK in the end because …
1. It led to a big discussion about ad agencies and their [lack of] differentiated positioning.
2. The people who agreed with us were all at agencies/companies we loved and respected.
3. We were given projects from Virgin, BBC America, IKEA and NASA [yes, THAT NASA] almost immediately.
4. Crispin Porter, asked us about working on projects together.
5. It got our name out far more than we ever hoped … or planned for … hahaha!
So what does all that have to do with the conference I’m about to attend? Well, put simply, it could be a hell of a start to my working year if any one of the delegates gives me a funny look … hahaha!
Happy 2007 everyone … it’s going to be a big one! [Though maybe not, after I’ve answered my 10 evil questions which will be later this week. Unfortunately!]
PS: Well done to my beloved Forest for beating Premiership ‘Charlton’ 2-0 at the City Ground and thanks to Age for finding this great quote on the power/importance of ‘Understanding’.
Filed under: Comment
I appreciate a few of my previous entries have talked about sex – but I’m not some pervert like Andy, honest … however I am going to bring up the subject again because errrrrrrm, it’s more interesting than going on about branding.
Anyway, I recently got sent a dodgy video [which YouTube unsurprisingly, won’t let me put up] that showed a bunch of topless babes holding speed limit signs up above their heads in an attempt to slow traffic down – and you know what, it worked.
Hordes of perverted speed-barons slowed their cars/vans/trucks to snail-like speeds to check their eyes weren’t deceiving them – resulting in slower traffic, safer roads and unharmed pedestrians.
OK, so it was a spoof video, but talk about a brilliant insight … almost as good as the Cable Shopping Company who insisted their ‘channel’ was located next to established sports networks because they knew men channel surfed up/down by about 3 channels, so would naturally come across their programming and in all liklihood, end up buying tat that seemed a good idea at the time. They were right – why else would the World be flooded with George Forman grills, Crunch Machines and 7000-in-1 Screwdrivers.
Insights rock … and talking of insights … can anyone tell me why the busiest time for calls to British Telecom’s speaking click is weekdays at 4:58pm?
Answer [and there IS one specific reason] tomorrow …
Filed under: Comment
Hello All … hope you are well and had a wonderful Christmas/Festive Season [for the more ‘politically correct’ out there]
I had a bloody wonderful time and I’d have the photos to prove it except my bloody camera decided to have a mental spaz and lost them all. ARGH!
Anyway, the highlights of my trip were without doubt …
Experiencing cold air [trust me, living in Singapore makes it a real aspirational attribute]
Going to see Forest play … and they won 3-0 which was especially nice given they suddenly started losing after that. [It was so cold , I put on my Forest scarf and realised it was the same one I had in 1979 – still with the name tag my Mum stitched into it!]
Going to see the ‘Aladdin’ pantomime with the quite brilliant Christopher Biggins.
Getting a new Nabaztaz.
Buying bloody tons and tons DVD’s of Television shows that I don’t get to see out on this side of the World.
Being with Jill, my Mum and my mates.
Eating Chips, Mushy Peas and Gravy.
Sleeping … including the wonderful experience of daily afternoon ‘naps’.
Reading. Alot.
Not working, ha! [Yes, I do like my job, but I’d still rather be a slob!]
Having my first proper Christmas dinner for ELEVEN YEARS!
Seriously, it was wonderful and given I’ve not been the biggest fan of Christmas since my Dad died [around this time 8 years ago], it was somewhat of a revelation to me.
I have a feeling this year is going to be quite a dramatic year for me – and not just because of my stupid ‘answer all’ declaration – but because of I know I have some potentially massive [but good] life changes that will affect me both personally, professionally and emotionally. Lets see if I’m right.
Anyway, readers of Gareth and Northern Planners Blogs will see I’ve been on a bit of a rant recently – which is a sure sign of me feeling refreshed – and so to prove it, I would like to comment about 2 things that both impressed me, confused me and pissed me off in the last week.
First up – IKEA.
Now I am a big fan of this brand … not because we have an ex-IKEA furniture designer in the company … not because they were a wonderful client of mine a few years back … nor is it because I want to keep my Swedish colleague happy … and it certainly isn’t because I like shopping there … it’s just that I like the way they really understand their customers needs and wants and prove it by adding little elements to their products that make a valuable difference.
Look at this washing up brush we bought.
Sure, it’s only a brush, but by adding a sucker on the end, it ensures it doesn’t stay dumped in the bottom of the sink – which inturn ensures the germs that lay there find it harder to end up on the device used for cleaning. Genius!
OK – now onto the confusing bit – and it’s a Postcard available in Singapore.
Only here could you buy a postcard that features a picture of their bloody financial district!! I wouldn’t mind so much except they are doing all they can to try and convince the World there’s more to the place than just ‘Business’. Mental.
And last but not least, lets give a big round of applause for this fucking embarrassing ad for EQUAL in Australia.
Now those of you who don’t know – EQUAL is a sugar substitute – you know the sort, the little packet of chemicals found in cafes etc.
Well the idiots behind this ad are trying to say that by buying a big pack of EQUAL for home, you get the feeling of being in a cosmopolitan cafe. Who the fuck comes up with this shit?
EQUAL is about as an integral to the cafe culture experience as salt and pepper shakers, cheap paper drink coasters and moving your chair every 2 minutes to let someone squeeze past you. Hell, I have a blackboard in my house, maybe that should make me feel like I’m in a bloody cafe too.
It just smacks of a client being too influential in the process [not to mention a weak agency] and I just bet they all think the use of charactures makes the brand more sophisticated. Tossers.
Now. before I go … a couple of house-keeping things.
First a message to Mr Rob Mortimer to say I spoke to Andy [who is still on holiday] and he has promised to answer your ‘tagging request’ within a couple of weeks. Don’t be nasty to him, he’s probably still trying to work out how to turn his computer on again.
And finally, my ‘answer all’ declaration will be answered towards the end of next week so please, please, please ask me some more questions so I can have abit of a choice, haha!
Filed under: Comment
In the last 12 months, I have flown a rather scary 178 times … and with all those flights, I have visited 23 different countries and 35 different cities.
I think it’s fair to say that means I fly quite alot.
And eachtime I go into an airport … regardless of which city or country I’m in … I get bombarded with ad upon ad upon ad and yet for all this communication, guess how many ‘ads’ have I actually noticed.
One
Now given my job, I tend to notice communication, so it’s somewhat alarming that in the majority of cases, the ads just haven’t grabbed my attention. I should point out that it’s not because they’re all bad [though there is an alarming volume of totally shite ones] it’s because in the majority of cases, the ads just aren’t relevant to me or my life.
Now without sounding like too much of a tosser … I’m doing fairly well for myself.
I have a wonderful home … a house in Sydney … money in the bank … a bunch of handmade guitars … more technological gadgetry than the R&D department of SONY … and to be honest, it’s far more than I deserve, however – and here’s the interesting bit – despite all this material possession, none of the brands in the airports, mean a thing to me.
I would rather drink bleach than own anything Louis Vuitton.
I’d be a complete prat if I bought financial products based on a billboard.
I don’t drink alcohol.
I don’t smoke cigarettes.
Hate golf with a passion. [Well, unless it’s the midnight golf we used to play at Edwalton golf course]
Don’t like sailing.
Think Rolex’s and Tag’s are try-hard.
Not exactly the Ralph Lauren wearing type.
Think anyone with a Vertu phone is a cock. [They’ve just launched one at 330,000 quid!!! I mean, how insecure must you be to want to buy this????]
Don’t give a damn about integrated phone systems’.
Or secure servers.
What is it that makes the brand owners / media planners think that all people who use airports alot aspire to associate with these brands?
Have they not looked at how people [especially ‘business people’] USE airports?
Whilst I hate the thought of being defined as a ‘businessman’, with the amount of flying I do, I guess I ‘qualify’ as one [how scary eh? haha!] and I can say my relationship with airports [and I don’t think I’m alone in this] is purely functional – it’s get in, get out.
And yet according to brand managers/media planners, as we walk through passport control, security and the boarding gate – we make plans to buy Louis Vuitton and Ralph Lauren shirts, update our financial portfolio, buy some whisky and a 200 pack of fags, check out some new golf clubs as well as some sailing gear, update our watch, trade in our Motorola for a Vertu [as long as it is also an integrated phone system] and last but not least, suddenly become our companies IT director and buy some new servers.
OK … OK … I’m being a prick [SHOCK, HORROR!] but it just astounds me how much money is spent on a media channel that has little or no consumer involvement. Sure, I bet the airport supplies tons of impressive numbers detailing how many high-income people pass through it’s facilities each and every year … but this OPPORTUNITIES TO SEE’ argument is bollocks and outdated. By that reckoning, I could put an ad on a Motorway lamp-post and then charge thousands of $’s by saying that each and every month, millions of high-earning drivers will pass by it. Total and utter con.
And it gets worse …
Being such a frequent flyer, I am a platinum member of the airline ‘club’.
All this basically means is that I am allowed to check in via the 1st class aisle regardless of the ‘class’ I’m flying, scoff free food in the lounges and get a free quarterly magazine.
And despite being told by the airline that my ‘individual needs’ are always their priority [not to mention ‘Relationship Marketing’ experts claiming their discipline allows customised communication to be delivered to customers specific needs] what do I get? Yep … a glossy magazine that has page upon page of golf, wine, investments, BMW’s, Louis Vuitton articles, interspread with page after page of golf, wine, investments, BMW’s, Louis Vuitton advertisements.
As I said, I’m doing alright … but am I that different to other supposedly is a higher-income earners [or more likely, a higher-debt earner, ha!]? And even if I am – why do fucking ‘server’ companies advertise in airports? I mean, just how many finance directors/IT directors go through every airport? I can’t imagine it’s thousands upon thousands … which could mean these ads are some of the most cost inefficient ads in history.
And then there’s the fact almost all the ads talk in the monotone of the corporate mission statement.
EMPOWER YOUR COMPANY TO THE NEXT LEVEL.
SYNERGIZE YOUR PHONE SYSTEMS.
MAXIMISE YOUR PORTFOLIO RETURNS.
GROW YOUR CUSTOMER VALUE RATES.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
To be fair, some brands are trying to at least change abit – in tone of voice if nothing else.
In the car to my hotel, I saw Hilton’s new magazine … HILT … as in, ‘Live Life To The ….’
You can tell Paris’ influence from the cover can’t you?
What a shame the content is the same old tat like every other ‘wannabe-status-obsessed mag’. Seriously, you couldn’t tell the difference between this and a million other mags … and then there’s the issue that a predominantly business-focused hotel is trying to position itself as the hotel for the jetset community. Sure, the young are getting wealthier and wealthier but it’s not exactly going to appeal to the corporate accountant who chooses which hotels staff will stay at based on factors that don’t include ‘hipness’.
Now there’s big debate over at Gareth’s and Marcus’s blogs about ‘sod the relevance, entertain’ … and whilst I appreciate that entertainment IS incredibly important [and many of these ads could do with a big dollop of it] I still say that regardless of how entertaining an ad is, if it’s not relevant to my needs [and environment] it’s never, ever going to persuade me to change my habits. And even if these ads make me think more favourably towards a particular brand … I have to ask what the fucking point is if I am never going to buy the thing?
And companies have the nerve to say ad agencies don’t understand about being financially-responsible!
Look, can someone … anyone … tell me why airport advertising has been deemed ‘the venue for the wealthy’ when it’s ability to actually make an impression has to be even less than a TV ad on Channel 5 at 3pm! A while back, I wrote about how brands with ‘real status‘ communicate … and let me tell you, there’s not one ad in a single airport that expresses itself in these ways – despite all trying to be seen as ‘badges of success’.
With some clients still questioning the validity of the internet for communication … I find it amazing that so much money can be spent in a channel that has little relevance except being a location that people travel through. What it seems to prove is that much communication [both interms of creation and location] is driven by the ego of the client – both in who they think they are and who they think is interested.
Years and years ago, Andy and I were invited to Harrods to talk to them about their communication needs.
When we asked who their core customers were, we were told it was ‘the top 5% of the UK’s wealthy’. In reality, a huge proportion of their customers were/are tourists … people who buy a bunch of souvenirs’ so that they can tell their friends they’ve been to the World famous store and then walk around their neighbourhoods with the famous green bag.
The reality with many of these ‘luxury brands’ is that it’s all driven by perception … or should I say delusion … and its effectiveness has to be questioned.
No wonder so many consumers don’t like ads when such a high proportion of them are boring, uninteresting, rational pieces of shit … targeted at individuals who are about as far removed from reality as any Hollywood A-Lister.
Ooooooh, I feel so much better after that so here’s a picture of a Malaysin Popstar I saw on the television … or is it North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-Il trying to update his image?