The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Why The Musical Genre Of Metal Could Be A Danger To Your Sex Life …

I love metal.

Not the stuff you build things out of, but the music genre.

Now I know some of you regard that as the musical equivalent of ISIS, but I don’t care.

Of course I like other genres, but for me, metal is best.

Maybe some of that is because – as a guitar player – my instrument of choice is upfront and centre, but mostly, I just love the way it reaches inside you and squeezes your soul.

In my younger days, I took this appreciation of heavy rock to an extreme … from having [believe it or not] long hair to wearing the sort of clothes that today, would have you either arrested or considered a homeless person.

Of course nowadays I choose to just enjoy the music rather than live ‘the lifestyle’ but even if that wasn’t the case, I still doubt I would be rushing out to buy this …

That’s right, it’s a heavy metal inspired fragrance.

Now I appreciate other musical genres have done this but it just seems super wrong for metal.

Metal was built on a foundation of rawness and power and this just feels … all pampered and nice.

OK, I appreciate time has moved on from my days going to Rock City on a Friday night, but it seems totally at odds with the principals metal was built on.

Bloody hell, I’m taking this all a bit too seriously aren’t I!?

But I’m not finished yet. Oh no.

For a start, what does ‘BE MORE. BE METAL’ even mean?

It sounds awfully like the sort of bollock lyrics you’d hear on an early Judas Priest album.

Oh hang on, that’s why … because this product was created by none other than K K Downing, the lead guitarist of that very band.

What a coincidence.

On one hand I have to admire his entrepreneurial spirit. It takes a lot of balls to actually do something like this.

However, on the other hand, I have to question his sanity.

Not just because he has entered an oversaturated category where the multitude of competitors spend hundreds of millions of dollars on marketing … but because even if I was totally into the metal music lifestyle, I’d find it hard to ‘buy into’ a brand that was created by a 64 year old man who plays guitar for a semi-retired band, originates from the antithesis of fantasyland [better known as West Bromwich], calls himself K K [admittedly because it stands for Kenneth] and looks like this:


I’m not being a dick, I’m being a realist.

And if you still think I am being prejudiced, have a look at this interview and then tell me if you would want to be seen buying – let alone wearing – this fragrance.

The defence rests it’s case.

Sorry K K. I admire the passion, but I think the years of being hit in the head by your pounding, powerful riffs have fucked with your brain.

22 Comments so far
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KK looks to me like a man who wears birkies.

Comment by John

With studs.

Comment by Pete

KK would never wear Birkies. He would wear biker boots or studded leather Nazi SS-style marching boots. Or something. Anything but Birkies.

Another example of how out-of-touch he is with real style and sophistication.

Comment by Rob

The new fragrances for men and women – available at I think he needs help with his “digital strategy”.

Comment by John

thats the least of his fucking problems. getting rid of the 60000 bottles of the shit he has stinking up his house before it poisons him should be his fucking priority. that and finding the money for his next months mortgage when hes spunked it all on this bollocks.

Comment by andy@cynic

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but aren’t metal and heavy rock different genres of noise?

Comment by Pete

thats your only fucking point? google towers is making your brain soft.

Comment by andy@cynic

But Pete’s comment challenges Rob’s link to the genre of music he is claiming to love, which undermines his credibility for making negative claims about this product. I’d call that good work by Pete.

Comment by Bazza


Comment by Pete

you bunch of post rationalizing fucking sellouts.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’m impressed Pete. What saves me is the fact I could play you examples of both ‘genres’ for hours and you’d still not be able to distinguish them as your ears are not as cultured as mine.

And don’t think I didn’t see your little dig by calling it ‘noise’.

Comment by Rob

Hello, ladies, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to Metal, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. Anything is possible when your man smells like Metal and not a lady. But what do I know, I’m strung out on horse.

Comment by John

that was a lot of fucking typing for an average fucking punchline. youre made for adland.

Comment by andy@cynic

Truer than you realise. It was a cut and paste job.

Comment by John

definitely made for adland.

Comment by andy@cynic

how fucking bad must you be when even campbell, a twat that buys queen records, wouldnt buy your shit. its like getting an endorsement deal from hitlers 3rd cousin.

Comment by andy@cynic

Losing one letter to make his slogan “be more meta” would open up his sales opportunities overnight.

Comment by Bazza

God you need to get out more Baz.

Comment by Rob

Does it smell of sweat?

Comment by Billy Whizz

That ad is brilliant. It could be a long haired man getting ready to shag some long haired babe. Or it could be a long haired babe getting ready to shag some long haired babe. win win.

Where do I buy it?

Comment by Billy Whizz

I’m guessing you’re still single.

I’m also confused that your first comment asked if it had the aroma of sweat and your second comment asked where you could buy it.

Comment by Rob

Sweat is sexy. Yours isn’t but mine is liquid hardcore.

Comment by Billy Whizz

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