The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Have Samsung Just Invented The Best Form Of Contraception Known To Man?
November 8, 2013, 6:10 am
Filed under: Comment

Imagine you’re an author.

You’ve just written what you consider to be the best book in the history of mankind.

It’s amazing.

Utterly amazing.

Now imagine you’ve asked the hottest woman you’ve ever seen to come over and ‘read a few chapters’.

Yes, we all know that’s code for ‘come over, get drunk and let me shag you senseless’ … but she seemed OK with it when you invited her.

So a few hours pass and after hoovering the floor, throwing out the empty pizza boxes and washing the sheets … the doorbell finally rings.

You run down and just as you are about to open the door, you catch your reflection in the mirror.

Goddamn you look good.

You’ve showered, shaved, put some after shave on – including splashing a few dabs ‘down there’ – so you know tonight is going to be an amazing night.

With your best attempt to marry a seductive smile with a nonchalant nod, you open the door and welcome her in.

My god she looks stunning.


You invite her in, shove a glass of white wine in her hand and sit down inches away from her in the time it takes a born again Christian to mention ‘god’.

Yes, that quick.

“This is nice” you say.

“Yes it is”, she nods.

“Would you like to listen to some music?” you ask.

“I’d rather read the chapters of your book” she replies.



You knew you had forgotten to do something and that was print the bastard thing out.

DAMMIT … that’s going to completely destroy the mood and make washing the bed sheets a complete waste of time.

But hang on, you are saved, because you just bought this:

Yes, that really is a printer with a built in music player/smart phone slot and speaker.

When people first saw it they laughed at you, but who the hell is laughing now.

You are.

You’re laughing like the sort of madman who has just pulled off the impossible.

And you have, because you can print the 17,254 pages of your book while playing One Direction at the same time.

One Direction, the band that’s guaranteed to get a lady to lower her knickers in no time.


You look around with the sort of smug smile that is permanently fixed to Callum Best’s smug fucking face.

And then it turns to horror.

Your lady has her coat on.

Worse, she has her coat on and is heading to the door.

“What are you doing?” you scream, despite trying desperately to sound calm.

“I’m going home” she replies without even turning around.

“But … but … why?” you stammer.

“Because only a twat would think of combining a printer with a sound speaker and only a loser would actually buy it”.

And with that she slams the door behind her, leaving your dreams in the dust.

You stagger to the sofa and slump down

Devastated … distraught and exhausted, you place your head in your hands and cry.

It starts off as a few tears before erupting into a tsunami of sobs.

You can hardly breathe.

You can hardly see.

But you know this is all your own fault, because she was right … who would think of combining a printer with a sound speaker and who would actually buy it?

A twat, that’s who.

A twat with his head in his hands and crying huge tears.


At home.

Like he will be forever.

Until he dies.

Quietly and lonely.

And all because Samsung thought a printer with speaker was a good idea.


So to the people at Samsung, I say pull your bloody head in …

This sort of shit doest impress anyone, least of all your shareholders who are now realising that your ‘carefully constructed business strategy’ is actually a load of bollocks because your plan for growth is nothing more than:

[1] Keeping your engineers busy and/or …

[2] Throwing as much shit at the wall and hope some of it sticks.

In other words, the sort of rubbish your typical advertising holding company thinks is a smart business plan.

So quit with the pointless shit Samsung, especially the pointless shit targeting a worldwide audience of 1 or you might end up with blood on your hands as well as angry investors.

41 Comments so far
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One of your most entertaining posts Rob. Which is more than can be said for that printer/speaker. That product alone explains why Samsung can never be taken seriously as a technology company with vision, purpose and soul.

Comment by Pete

Spoken like a true technology competitor. And don’t give me any of that “Samsung are not even in the same league as Google” rubbish. Ha.

Comment by Rob

I will not be baited Rob.

Comment by Pete

Just out of interest, have you purchased one for ironic purposes? That is a serious question by the way.

Comment by Pete

his whole fucking life is ironic so he probably did. twat.

Comment by andy@cynic

But it’s a printer speaker!

Comment by Pete

one fucking word pete. r2d2

i rest my fucking case.

Comment by andy@cynic

another fucking word. dalek

case closed.

Comment by andy@cynic

I haven’t bought the printer+speaker thing Pete. The only way I’d do that is if I wanted to upset an enemy – and even then I’d be worried I’d gone one step too far.

As for the R2D2, I don’t remember hearing any complaints when we all watched Star Wars via his DVD projecting head so back off. The Dalek? OK, I’ll give you that one.

Comment by Rob

I was OK with R2 until I found out he wasn’t a droid from the force, but an overpriced, unreliable ipod charger.

Comment by DH

That’s funny.

Comment by Pete

you had to fucking ruin it with that planning bollocks at the end but this is a vast fucking improvement to the usual sludge of shit you produce. its too fucking long as usual but i have accepted that i cant expect you to curb all your faults because that would be a numerical miracle. and samsung are stupid fucking loser twats.

Comment by andy@cynic

Why are you posting your diary here?

Comment by John

Very amusing John.

Comment by George

at least he got a woman to come to his house without having to resort to going up to chicks in the street and saying “does this rag smell of chloroform to you?” boom fucking tish.

Comment by andy@cynic

Are you defending my honour?

Comment by Rob

why the fuck would i do that? its called humour campbell. you should try it some time.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’m lost for words Robert. I’m debating whether the cause is the post or the printer.

Comment by George

thick bastard.

Comment by andy@cynic

It is reassuring to know that Fatherhood hasn’t changed you completely.

Comment by George

I’m scared. I laughed reading this post. As in laughed with it, not at it. Have I got something terminal?

Comment by DH

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA I had to create a wordpress account so I could leave this comment. THIS IS THE MOST ENTERTAINING SHORT STORY I have read this year! THUMBS UP

Comment by shirlzyip

Given you sit opposite me, that’s an amazing effort to write a complimentary comment. Obviously we need to give you more work to do … but don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone, otherwise people might start looking into my work productivity [vs my blog productivity] and I’m screwed.

Comment by Rob

I can’t believe that no one has commented on “I like your toner voice” yet!!

What’s that? Hang on, I can hear a punderstorm. Better go.

Comment by Oz

A career writing gags for BBC teatime sitcoms beckons Oz.

Comment by Rob

There are no words

Comment by northern

There are and the words are, “That’s brilliant”.

Go on, lie … you’re in advertising after all.

Comment by Rob

To be honest, I’m just jealous of the R2 D2

Comment by northern

Don’t. Trust me.

Comment by DH

That’s like being jealous of someone with an std.

Comment by Billy Whizz

where the fuck is the overpriced piece of shit? did it go to google towers, the storage palace or the fucking landfill?

Comment by andy@cynic

Jemma has it. She claimed it was like a boyfriend to her and needed it near her at all times.

Comment by Pete

That’s what she said about those fish she kept on her desk. Didn’t stop her flushing one down the toilet when it died except she said it was a full military honors fish funeral. Madness.

Comment by DH

so what youre saying is its broken in the corner of her apartment somewhere. like a 30 year old who works in a digital agency.

Comment by andy@cynic

But it will be spoken to daily and smothered in love unlike Mr 30 year old digital agency employee.

Comment by DH

This is one of the best threads I’ve read. I hope Jemma sees it. Happy weekend.

Comment by Pete

sick bastard.

Comment by andy@cynic

This is very amusing though I must admit, I didn’t know Jemma had our robot butler. Better her than any of the rest of you though, ha.

Comment by Rob

We didn’t want it. It looked cool for the first 10 mins then we realized it was just another Campbell tech itch you had to scratch and we had to suffer.

Comment by DH

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