Filed under: Comment
So a few weeks ago I talked about a soap that promised to clean you so thoroughly, it gave you your virginity back.
Now I stand by my belief that is the greatest product overclaim I’ve ever seen but recently I came across [a bad choice of words, as you’ll soon discover why] another product that seems to:
1. Be making a rather audacious claim.
2. Targeting pervs & teenagers. Probably from Nottingham.
3. Contradicting their ‘benefit’ in their packaging choice of words.
What am I going on about? This …
That’s right, it’s a chewing gum that supposedly stops you having the urge to have a wank for 6 hours.
What the fuck is it made of, chloroform?
But the bit that utterly confuses me is that surely they should be making a product that makes people’s hands busy, not their jaws – or surely this would be better named as a Anti-Blowjob gum?
And then there’s the fact that on the packaging, they proudly announce …
“INSTANT RELIEF LASTING UP TO 6 HOURS”
… which is either a very cruel joke designed to mock the people who want instant relief via a ‘hand shandy’ or some sort of subliminal positioning genius created to make the product sound like Viagra 2.0 … where it doesn’t just get you ‘ready for action’, but invites some hot, high class ‘friends’ to your house to roger you senseless.
Eitherway, it’s utterly mental however if they launched a variant that stopped people wanting to look at youtube while in a meeting, I know one person who would want to buy a pack, don’t I Northern?
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First
Comment by Billy Whizz July 17, 2013 @ 6:16 amloser.
Comment by andy@cynic July 17, 2013 @ 6:34 amWho are you Billy Whizz? I need to find your blog!
Comment by Notes To Ponder July 17, 2013 @ 10:44 amWankers
Comment by Billy Whizz July 17, 2013 @ 6:17 amWhere do you find this stuff Rob?
I’m taking a wild guess and assuming both this gum and the virgin soap are connected to some religious group. It’s mad for them as well, but who would otherwise come up with these products?
Comment by Pete July 17, 2013 @ 6:26 amdont you know pete. campbell spends his fucking nights trawling the internet trying to find and buy the weirdest shit possible. why else do you think he likes queen? hes a fuckwit but hes not that much of a fuckwit.
Comment by andy@cynic July 17, 2013 @ 6:35 amYou are better than the internet.
Comment by Pete July 17, 2013 @ 6:53 amBy the way, “what is it made of, chloroform?” is hilarious.
Comment by Pete July 17, 2013 @ 6:28 amIt also explains why Rob’s colleagues are delighted he’s out of the office so much.
Comment by John July 17, 2013 @ 6:34 amtheres fuckloads of reasons for that doddsy.
Comment by andy@cynic July 17, 2013 @ 6:36 amHis six-hourly impulses beat any of them as far as I’m concerned.
Comment by John July 17, 2013 @ 6:41 amNo pun intended.
Comment by John July 17, 2013 @ 6:43 amyouve just uncovered why the fucker walks with his hands in his pockets.
Comment by andy@cynic July 17, 2013 @ 6:48 amso is this what alex ferguson has been chewing for the past 20 fucking years. stop the urges to focus on the team? is this a scoop the sun will pay me fuckloads for?
Comment by andy@cynic July 17, 2013 @ 6:37 amGoodness.
Comment by George July 17, 2013 @ 6:38 amFor (Andrew’s) clarification, I meant “goodness” in the “goodness gracious, that’s an alarming product”, not “that chewing gum looks full of goodness”.
Comment by George July 17, 2013 @ 6:40 amWith a house full of 4 women, I’m not sure I believe you George.
Comment by DH July 17, 2013 @ 7:13 amGeorge – you’re cracking me up 🙂
Comment by Notes To Ponder July 17, 2013 @ 10:27 amMy burning question – is there a shampoo to wash homosexuality away?
Comment by Notes To Ponder July 17, 2013 @ 6:43 amwk would try and claim old spice but thats only because the scents so fucked it drives everyone away within 100 feet of you.
Comment by andy@cynic July 17, 2013 @ 6:46 amPersonally I see an Axe masturbation ad campaign down the road 🙂
Comment by Notes To Ponder July 17, 2013 @ 6:01 pmThe church would say you just have to rinse your hair in holy water.
Comment by Bazza July 17, 2013 @ 6:59 amOh? Is that what Catholic priests do? 🙂
Comment by Notes To Ponder July 17, 2013 @ 7:08 amIf a man is in love with Jesus, does that make him gay? In other news, are you trying to announce something NTP?
Comment by DH July 17, 2013 @ 7:06 amI’m having trouble with this reply, as I’m still laughing. No DH – as much as it would make your day, there is no news flash. As for Jesus love – don’t be stupid! If a man loves his father, brother, or son it doesn’t alter sexual orientation one iota.
Comment by Notes To Ponder July 17, 2013 @ 7:26 amDon’t you know that Dave. Good news you have ntp to sort you out.
Comment by Billy Whizz July 17, 2013 @ 7:35 amI know what you’re trying to do Billy.
Comment by DH July 17, 2013 @ 8:04 amI can’t be arsed to write a bunch of comments but I will say that the comments I’ve read so far all meet the expectations I had when I wrote the post. Which either means you all maintain a particular standard or you’re all utterly predictable.
Oh, and hello to Notes To Ponder. I doubt you’ll ever come back, but I appreciate you making the effort this time,
Comment by Rob July 17, 2013 @ 8:14 amWhy would you think I wouldn’t come back?
Comment by Notes To Ponder July 17, 2013 @ 10:25 amI assumed you were a person of taste.
Comment by Rob July 17, 2013 @ 10:56 amHaha! Would a person of taste bother with the likes of DH? I would truly be lost without glimpses into madness. I’ve talked to 6 or 7 people about “gumsturbation” since reading your post; including my 19 and 23 year old sons who both laughed till nearly pissing their pants. 🙂
Comment by Notes To Ponder July 17, 2013 @ 11:03 amThat’s a product claim that is crying out to be tested by Which magazine.
Comment by Lee Hill July 17, 2013 @ 9:36 amThat would be brilliant.
Comment by Rob July 17, 2013 @ 10:56 amBastard
Comment by northern July 17, 2013 @ 5:09 pmTruth hurts.
Comment by Rob July 17, 2013 @ 6:25 pmPerfect proposition.
Comment by DH July 18, 2013 @ 5:24 amNo idea how you find these treasures, but you crack me up…
Comment by La Güera Pecosa July 18, 2013 @ 12:12 pm[…] It seriously is the weirdest – and worst – thing I’ve ever seen and don’t forget I’ve recently posted about this, this and this. […]
Pingback by Fail Harder Just Became Easier … | The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!] September 24, 2013 @ 10:01 pm[…] A long time ago I wrote about a gum that was designed to stop teenagers whacking off. […]
Pingback by It Will Make You Blind And You Can’t Climb Ladders Easily … | The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!] October 25, 2016 @ 6:17 am[…] First there was the gum that claimed to stop you masturbating. […]
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