The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Email Used To Be Shit In 1995 …
December 4, 2012, 6:10 am
Filed under: Comment

So I recently embarked on a bit of computer spring cleaning.

I was utterly amazed how much shit I had kept … with emails being the worst culprit.

Sure, some emails are important … but I’m talking about keeping stuff where you’ve been CC’d about the most inane shit imaginable.

For example:

“Has anyone got a copy of the new expense form?”

No, I kid you not. I really had a bunch of emails like that.

That said, I found one that dates back to 1995 that I’m going to republish here.

It’s contains no gossip or insight into how adland operated almost 20 years ago … it’s just a classic example of the sort of pretentious bullshit you used to receive from people who had started to realize the world wide web could be an avenue for them to live out their global philosophical fantasies.

Of course today, we have blogs for all that shit, but back then it was a different story – if only for the fact it was still kind-of still novel to receive electronic mail.


Anyway, this one was about the value of time.

There’s a really good point to be made about that subject, but sadly – like the time JWT decided to position themselves around the same concept – they end up making you care less about it than when you started.

Seriously, thank fuck it’s 2012.

So ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, enjoy a blast from the past. Something tells me you’ll look at those Nigerian email scams in a much more positive light from now on.


There is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400.

It carries over no balance from day to day.

Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.

What would you do?

Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!!!

Each of us has such a bank.

Its name is TIME.

Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.

Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose.

It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.

Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against “tomorrow.” You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE-SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won silver in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.

And remember that time waits for no one.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.

That’s why it’s called the present!!!


Terrible isn’t it.

OK, I’m being kind, it’s fucking horrible.

It’s basically what I imagine would happen if you crossed a z-grade Al-Pacino wannabe with a Paula Abdul/Oprah Winfrey/Anthony Robbins and a big bucket of treacle.

So if you’ve managed to get through all that, click here – I think you’ll appreciate it.

33 Comments so far
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That must have taken at least 30 seconds to download back then.

Comment by Paul

And it needed you to turn on a machine that went …

beep beeeeeeep whirrrrr beep.

Which also took at least 30 seconds before it was ready to do as it was told.

Comment by Rob

Have you really written a post about an old email? Please tell me I’m asleep and this is the most boring nightmare I’ve ever had.

Comment by DH

Sadly it’s not Dave.

On the brightside [for me], I’ve invented a whole new category of dream which is surely worthy of praise?

Comment by Rob

I was going to post a comment about this, but yours said it all!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

And more specifically Rob, we have this blog for that mid 90’s kind of shit reenactment.

Comment by DH

couldnt have put it better myself. and thats fucking saying something.

Comment by andy@cynic

Was this the most exciting email from 1995?

Comment by Paul

if it was, then we missed out on a chance of nuking every fucker and starting again.

Comment by andy@cynic

Once upon a time, these sorts of messages were received with excitement. Once upon a time you didn’t know many people who had email so hearing your computer announce “you’ve got mail” was a thrill and you read everything you were sent.

20 years later and you do your best to ignore the avalanche of spam and come to realisation that the emails you looked forward to back in 1995 were rubbish.

Comment by Pete

I know why you linked to a nausea advice site (very funny) but did you realise connected to a cancer treatment site? (less funny)

Comment by Pete

I considered that light relief compared to this blog and post.

Comment by DH

all that did was made me miss promethazine and tonic.. evil bastard

Comment by niko

Errrm, no, that was not intentional. Sorry, another example of my ‘more speed, less haste’ mantra.

Comment by Rob

I don’t know Rob, it would make a nice change from emails selling granny porn and penis extender pumps.

Comment by Bazza

isnt spam all filtered by some fucking nerd algorithm which means you get what you searched for or some other bollocks. actually that cant be true or youd be getting spam shit from platform shoe shops and dwarf throwing talent agencies.

Comment by andy@cynic

It never grows old does it Andy?

Comment by Bazza

how fucking good was life before email and blogs let every fucking nutcase think they were the poet fucking laureate. naming no fucking names. campbell.

Comment by andy@cynic

It wasn’t … and I can say that with absolute certainty given I’m living in a country where internet speed can be overtaken by a snail.

Comment by Rob

thats because youve got fucking ocd and abandonment issues.

Comment by andy@cynic


Comment by Rob

andy@cynic Have you just cut and pasted that tosh onto your website?

Comment by Shackleford Hurtmore

why the fuck would i have a fucking website. and for the record, the cynic website was campbells. can you tell by the utter fucking shite? i was just an innocent victim lulled into taking part. then being financially and credibly destroyed. hes more effective than 20 scud fucking missiles.

Comment by andy@cynic

You know I take that as a compliment!

Comment by Rob

You seem to have some anger issues. Would you like to send me your email address and I’ll send you a couple of calming motivational emails a day?

Comment by Shackleford Hurtmore

would you like me to call the police and report you as a fucking stalking pervert. thats a compliment, just in case you think im a bastard.

Comment by andy@cynic

That’s a true compliment.

Comment by DH

I remember being at school and sending and email to a Japanese Pen Pal they had arranged. It appeared to be sent through some kind of plain text only DOS like screen.

I can’t even remember what year it was, around 94/95 I think.

I like the spirit of what the email is trying to say, but it just does it very very badly!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Pegasus Mail for DOS? It was a pretty big thing back in the day.

Comment by Paul

That sounds about right!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

If you think that email is bad, I guess you haven’t seen this video –

Comment by FormulaLes

This did make me understand it all from a historical perspective. It is American philosophy, and as they lack the continental philosophical tradition, they just come up with a false capitalism annology as money is their only true life principle. No judgement, greed is good remember.

Comment by Paul

this email from 1995 isn’t that bad. Of course it’s not Coelho, Murakami or Campbell, but it surely isn’t horrible.

Comment by toto

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