The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

They Might Sell Pirated DVD’s, But At Least They Are Honest About What You Are About To Buy …
August 19, 2011, 6:16 am
Filed under: Comment

So as most of you know, China is a mecca for pirated goods.

Actually, let’s call it a mecca for products “inspired by” someone/something else, just incase any gang/government member is reading this.


You name it, someone somewhere is selling it and buying it, either knowingly or not.

Now I could go into a big diatribe about some of the reasons behind why I think it happens so much in China … which goes way beyond someone just wanting to make a shitload of cash … however I know none of you could give a flying fuck about that, so instead I want to talk about one area that I find particularly interesting, and that’s the fake film market.

Throughout Shanghai are DVD stores that sell nothing but fake product.

From classics to British television shows that were only broadcast weeks earlier to movies that haven’t even come out yet … you are pretty much presented with a video wonderland everytime you step into one of these stores.

For about 50 pence, you can get a beautifully packaged product of high quality.


OK, so sometimes the quality is uber-shite and the subtitles never bear any resemblance to what is going on the screen [which adds a comedy element to everything, even Schindlers List] however more often than not, what you get is a couple of hours entertainment for less than the price of packet of popcorn.

But here’s the difference between the pirated film industry and the rest of the pirated category.

You see where the fashion, jewelry, bags, food, booze & medicine fake categories are concerned, their goal is make things look as identical to the aesthetic as the original – however with the film category, they don’t feel the same need to match the requirements of the outer packaging.

Sure, some of that is because they are often dealing with situations where the ‘outer packaging’ hasn’t even been created yet … but what I find interesting is how they get around this.

Maybe it’s because they think at the prices they charge, people won’t mind buying the odd ‘shit movie’ [in terms of storyline, not production quality] … maybe it’s because they just want to take the piss … maybe it’s because they can’t actually read what they’re printing … hell, maybe they really give a damn about quality entertainment and don’t want you wasting your money and time on the sort of thing that will sweep the board at next years Razzies … but it is not uncommon to look at the back of a film you’re considering purchasing and seeing this:

[To see full size, click here]

Brilliant eh.

If only all movie reviews were so honest.

I can think of more than a few Hollywood ‘blockbusters’ that needed this sort of ‘real World’ promotion material attached to it.

Are you listening Michael Bay and your Transformers 2 fiasco?!

Oh hang on, I’ve just thought of another possibility of why they might choose to go with the ‘blunt honesty’ approach to movie labeling … maybe it’s because they know idiots like me will find this sort of review one of the most compelling reasons to buy the thing!

God I’m a sad bastard.

Anyway, insult away, I pre-wrote this post as I’m out of the country so I won’t be able to read all your abuse until I’m back on Monday. Have fun …

37 Comments so far
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Don’t planners use Google?

That’s the screenjabber review of the movie. The pirates are not averse to pirating reviews as well as content.

But that’s not such a great insight.

Comment by John

It’s a very good insight on you though John.

Comment by Pete

too fucking right thats a good insight into doddsy. google aficionado, pedantic prick and sad fucking bastard.

whats even fucking worse is campbell isnt saying the thieving generous bastards are writing the reviews themselves, theyre just putting any old shit they can find on there because they have no fucking idea what the original will end up having and the doddsy comes wades in saying planners are tech illiterate twats.

theyre definitely twats but not as sad as mr google search who actually gives a fuck what campbell has written.

sort yourself out doddsy or youll feature in trainspotters weekly in a fucking week and theres no fucking hot chicks there.

Comment by andy@cynic

I know you never pay attention to what he says but no he didnt say that.

Comment by John

With your unique definition of what passes as entertainment Robert, I assume you are in possession of a number of DVD’s that feature interesting assessments like the one above.

Comment by Lee Hill


Comment by Pete

if campbell has 3000 fucking legitimate docos and otger shit, i bet hes got fucking millions of this pirated crap at home. pirated crap including stuff that came from your film division. so on top of getting a fuck load of free shit from you lee, the ungrateful fuck is literally taking money out of your hand. id sue or at least beat him up a little.

Comment by andy@cynic

The court agrees with Andy.

Comment by A lawyer speaks.

Well, to be accurate, it’s as much of the screenjabber review that will fit on the case.

Comment by John

I have to ask John. How did you find where this review came from and more importantly, why?

Comment by Pete

it doesnt take a fucking genius to work out pete. or a planner.

sad bastard.
lives on his fucking own.
computer is his only friend.
suffering from meeting campbell in the flesh.

Comment by andy@cynic

I typed in the name of the movie, review and fangoria and there it was. Took as much time as it does for a woman to judge Billy, ie 15 seconds.

And I did it because I disagreed with Rob’s point. My guess is that the other titles also feature the first couple of paragraphs of screenjabbers’ review and the pirates haven’t even read them because they know price beats promotion any time in a commoditised business.

Comment by John

I love that you’ve answered so seriously to this post John … though I don’t know why you’re disagreeing with me, because [1] I said they do it because they have to put something on their casing because they have no idea what the “original” artwork will be yet and a review – any review – will do and [2] this blog never says anything sensible.

Comment by Rob

Unbelievable – you don’t even know what you wrote. I refer the court to your use of the word honest in both the title and the post and the implication that the pirates were knowingly saying this film is crap.

In light of point 2, the prosecution asks that the defendent be relocated to secure accommodation in North Korea.

Comment by John

You seem to have become German and lost your sense of humour. ANNNNND remember this blog has nothing you would ever want to take as factual, insightful advice.

Comment by Rob

I blame Shoreditch!

Comment by John

if campbell buys this shit, its no fucking wonder our cynic film adventure died on its fucking arse and was nothing to do with the rather fucking major legal oversight those 2 planning cocks try and blame me with. are you listening campbell? you stole my dreams as well as my fucking livelihood.

Comment by andy@cynic

The court agree with you again.

Comment by A lawyer speaks

of course you fucking do, im always fucking right so stop speaking and start awarding me filthy amounts of moolah.

Comment by andy@cynic

It was a pretty important legal oversight – I don’t think you can claim total immunity. At least not quite yet.

Comment by Rob

oh fucking contraire mr fucking campbell. and the court fucking agrees with me.

Comment by andy@cynic

who the fuck watches michael bay bollocks for the plot. his movies are based on porn plots, girls and loud fucking banging except his sort involve explosions, not double headed studded dildos.

Comment by andy@cynic

Another difference is double headed studded dildos are fun for all the family.

Comment by DH

and bondage is just super nanny for fucking adults. dont know what the fucking fuss is about. didnt harm frank bough did it. if you dont count the cardigan wearing twats career, cred and livelifuckinghood.

Comment by andy@cynic

you should be awarded a fucking razzie for single bastard handedly keeping the shittest of the shit in business. you make a 7 year old retard look like barry fucking norman with the shit you like. real housewives of everyfuckingplace? i rest my fucking case. that makes listening to queen even seem less fucked up than it is and thats very fucked up. or are you going to blame your possession of that shit on jill? possible i suppose, she does love that dead fuck elvis. and you.

Comment by andy@cynic

Only on this blog could I write something encouraging you to slag me off and everyone picks on someone else.

Unpredictable bullying. Soon to be a schoolyard craze.

Comment by Rob

just keeping it fucking real campbell.

Comment by andy@cynic

I had the misfortune to watch Super 8 the other day. I wonder what they would have made of that.
Rob, you said you were away, so go.
I don’t care anyway, I’m off to Cornwall tomorrow for a week,to be be waited on hand and foot by Mum, surf and be bashed around the head by a 2 year old armed with a bucket, spade and lilo.

Comment by northern

Are you talking about your son or some random rioter in Cornwall, admittedly a very young random rioter in Cornwall. Eitherway, have a top one, I’m sure it’s well deserved. Cough Cough. Splutter Splutter.

Comment by Rob

Cheeky. And it’s my little boy naturally. I forgot to mention the huge, bad tempered heavilly pregnant wife, who cannot bash me around the head because she can hardly move.

Comment by northern

Now is the time you tell her all the things that annoy the crap out of you then. Mind you, just because she can’t hit you doesn’t mean she can’t remember to hit you when she is back to her normal svelte self. Bugger.

Comment by Rob

If you keep calling her huge it’s no wonder she is bad tempered!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Come to think of it, she’s a mean aim when it comes to throwing things

Comment by northern

If she can catch, maybe we can get her in the England cricket team. Mind you we’re #1 in the World aren’t we? HOW THE HELL DID WE DO THAT???

Comment by Rob

Got players from Zimbabwe and South Africa to say they were English

Comment by northern

It works in football… no wait, bugger.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Do they do porn or just your sort of shit flick?

Comment by Billy Whizz

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