The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

What The Hidden Camera In The Marketing Boardroom Spied …
December 13, 2010, 6:35 am
Filed under: Crap Marketing Ideas From History!

Open on an non-descript boardroom, somewhere in he middle of nowhere.

Sales Manager: “What are we going to do, our Cheez-It Party Mix just isn’t selling!”

Brand Consultant: “Have you tried replacing the ‘S’ of Cheese with a ‘Z’ to get down with the kids?”

Sales Manager: “Of course we have, we’re a cutting edge, feel good, party brand … but it’s still not working. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?”

Brand Consultant: “Don’t worry dear client, at IntergalaticBrand we pride ourselves on finding the most innovative, effective and brand-centric solution to any marketing problem, so for the extremely competitive price of just 3 million US dollars [cash up front] we will use our proprietary tools and methodology to find the right solution FOR YOU …”

Sales Manager: “3 million you say? That seems pretty good value to me. Do it.”




Brand Consultant: “Hello.”

Sales Manager: “Hello. What have you got for me?”

Brand Consultant: “Well we’re really excited to be here today because we have found the solution that will put ‘Cheez-It Party Mix’ back on the map.”

Sales Manager: “Wonderful, wonderful … tell me more.”

Brand Consultant: “Well after a deep dive into the category and utilising our proprietary tools and services, we identified where your brand was failing to connect with consumers and after months of rigorous creative development and research, we would like to present to you the future of Cheez-It …”

Sales Manager: “Let me see if I’ve got this right. You’ve changed ‘Party Mix’ to ‘Snack Mix’ using one of the worst fonts in Microsoft Word and then, to reiterate the change that people may not notice and certainly won’t care about, you’ve put the old name in the top right hand corner so it seems like we’ve made a major change to the product when in reality, we haven’t. Is that correct?

Brand Consultant: “That’s exactly what we’ve done, you’re one smart client. We used our proprietary ‘illusion of advancement’ tool or -‘pisstake’ for short – to create a new name that means people won’t see your brand purely as a product that should be consumed at party times, but any time they fancy a snack … and after our research showed the inflation rate of snacking currently running at 68.932%, we know this is the strategy to move your brand to the top where it belongs.”

Sales Manager: “That is brilliant. BRILLIANT. And all for just US$3 million? How on earth do you do it?”

Brand Consultant: “We’re here to make the World of business a better, happier place. Now if you could just sign our expenses sheet of US$2 million, we’ll be on our way because we know you’ve got a flood of sales to manage.”

Sales Manager: “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!”

Brand Consultant: “HA HA HA HA!”

45 Comments so far
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i fucking love this post.

Comment by andy@cynic


Comment by lauren

Post of the year. And it only took you 11 and a half months to write.

Comment by DH

omg… wtf.

oh and your use of the word “deep dive” is very apt for me right now.

Comment by Age

theres only ever one place where using the term ‘deep dive’ is acceptable and its when youre doing the thing elvis didnt like to fucking do, probably because it interfered with his eating time which was basically when the fat fuck was breathing.

Comment by andy@cynic

Cybil Sheppard said that didn’t she. I hate that I know it – but then, it gives me ammo against my wife and her “Elvis-can-do-no-wrong” attitude.

Comment by Rob

you sad fuck.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’m pretty sure I know exactly the situation you’re thinking of, Age.

And Rob, this post is simply outstanding. A marvelous blend of vitriol and insight.

Comment by Felix

and why the fuck are they putting shredded wheat in the box? shredded fucking wheat! thats a shit breakfast, not some party mix bollocks. not unless theyre saying their parties go till breakfast time. oh they fucked that off didnt they and went with fucking snack time. then its even more bollocks and worthy of your kicking.

well done campbell, this might be a good week even if youre bound to let us down with some serious planning bullshit.

fucking shredded wheat!

puffa puffa pissing rice id understand but shitty shreddies? complete wank.

Comment by andy@cynic

Instead of scratching my head at Rob’s bollocks, I’m scratching my head at Andy’s.

Shredded wheat? Puffa rice? What Elvis wouldn’t do? Are you OK dude.

Same goes to you Rob, best post in about 4 years. You ill?

Comment by Billy Whizz

I know what you’re saying Elvis didn’t do, I’m trying to work out how the fuck you know.

Comment by Billy Whizz

You liked a cereal called Puffa?

Comment by DH

homophobic cereal bastard.

Comment by andy@cynic

What scares me is that’s exactly what I thought and guess what … it is. I’ve tasted it. They’ve put fucking shredded wheat in a savoury snack box, but then the yanks love piling their plates with a car crash of tastes at breakie, so they probably don’t realise that to the rest of the World, this sort of behaviour is fighting talk.

Comment by Rob

yeah, but you thought about it a few fucking seconds after me didnt you. slowbrain.

Comment by andy@cynic

you had shredded wheat in your fucked up nation so dont get all fucking coy with me. you might be young but youre not that fucking young.

and you wouldnt know the joys of sooty and fucking sweeps puffa puffa fucking rice because you yanks were too busy with your fucking lucky shitty charms or cheeriwankyos than something brilliant and british. and dont ask about sooty and sweep unless you like hospital food and talking with a lisp. they were south park before south park was invented. just with hand puppets and a weird fucking man who got replaced with his son. who had a fucking perv beard.

and i know about elvis because im cultured and because wife #1 (though it could be #2) told me about it when she watched an episode of that sycophantic bitch, oprah. now shes definitely someone who deep fucking dives.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’ll never dare question you again oh master.

Comment by Billy Whizz

thats fucking better.

Comment by andy@cynic

I approve this post.

Comment by John

And nice photo from the monthly meeting of the Campbell appreciation society.

Comment by John

Is this from the News of the World wire tapping case? Very amusing.

Comment by George

too classy for them.

Comment by andy@cynic

Well I’ll be blowed, I might have done a post people approve of. As Andy said, it can’t last – but on the brightside, I go to Portland tomorrow so even if I do go back to ‘planning bollocks’, it’ll only be once for the week.

Starting Monday with a positive spirit. That’s me …

Comment by Rob

we approve this post like we approve when a simple fuck manages to put the right object in the right hole so dont get too ahead of yourfuckingself especially when i hear you have a big fucking problem putting things in the right hole.

Comment by andy@cynic

You’re in a good mood. House finished then?

Comment by Rob

you snidey little fuck. are you still popping in to make the fucking tea for the real workers?

what time do you land you miserable shit, ill make sure the pig shit van is there to pick you up.

Comment by andy@cynic

Someone got out of bed the wrong side this morning, which for you Robert is the right side. A quality post for a Monday morning.

Comment by Lee Hill


Comment by Marcus

Back to your best Robert.

Comment by Bazza

They should have made it interactive and available only through Facebook.

Comment by John

show off.

Comment by Marcus

Or make the announcement via a specialist Facebook group.

Comment by Rob


For Andy and Dodds.

Comment by Marcus

Only problem Marcus is they won’t know how to play it.

Comment by Rob

what the fuck do you think wives are for.

Comment by andy@cynic

Ah gotta love it. I respect these agencies purely for just how much they get away with charging for absolute bollocks.

“Hi. I’m from Brand consultancy XS. I’d like you to pay $5m to be fucked over royally”

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Rob, you got it totally wrong. That’s unrealistic.
Brand Consultants are much smarter. They never ever make any tangible recommendations! After 6 months and 3m, they leave the client with some substance-free concept, and then the Ad Agency is expected to execute the bollocks on a 100K fee.

Comment by Michael

no youre wrong michael, theres always a fucking new logo involved. a new fucking logo that they will say will change their fucking world. yet they never fucking update their pile of shit do they. anyone else noticed that?

Comment by andy@cynic

“So what you are saying is, cut our R+D budget by 30%, reduce our product features budget by 25%, reduce our ad budget by 18%, and use that money to make a new logo that fixes none of our fundamental brand problems… sold!”

Comment by Rob Mortimer

“It’s the logo, stupid!”, so to speak…

Comment by michael

This is my favourite part:

Sales Manager: “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!”

Brand Consultant: “HA HA HA HA!”

As well as the implied part where Brand Consultant sleeps with Sales Manager’s sister.

Comment by Rafik

youre a sick fuck rafik. i like you.

Comment by andy@cynic

You’re saying that to all the boys. It’s the puffa rice shit.

Comment by Billy Whizz

so the fucking christian bastards were right, you arent born gay, its when you eat puffa puffa fucking rice. i should sue them but i dont know who the fuck made it.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’m going to write the sequel where the recession comes in and the sales manager tells the brand consultant that his daughter will design the new packaging and they don’t need his services anymore

Comment by andreea

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