The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Their ability to write words you can feel never ceases to amaze me.

They need just a few lines to communicate a message that not only gives clarity to the reader, but enchants them as well.

I can’t do that.

At least not using the written word. [As this blog testifies]

And that’s quite a big handicap when your job is all about being able to communicate and inspire feelings, viewpoints and ideas to others.

Fortunately for me, I realised this quite early on in my career so whilst I still believe you have to write a creative brief [if only to put your thinking on record so that it isn’t badly post-rationalised at a later date] I rely on a bunch of other methods to ensure my colleagues ‘get’ what I want to say.

One of the things I do is collect expressions.

You see I absolutely believe how you say something is as important as what you say.

Of course you know that, but you’d be surprised how many creative briefs I’ve seen where the proposition is written so blandly, that no sense of energy or personality comes across whatsoever.

Mind you, I find it even more shocking when that very same brief also states the brand in question has a supposedly very strong and unique tone of voice!

[As an aside, if you have ever written 3 of the following 6 words on a creative brief under tone of voice: FUN / HUMAN / POSITIVE / CONFIDENT / FRIENDLY / CARING then hang your head in shame because that’s not a tone of voice, that’s just a list of random attributes that serves no purpose other than to fill the box on the brief. As another aside, the best way to deal with a creative brief is to treat it as your bitch … if you end up feeling it rules you, you’re buggered]

Anyway I digress …

Being able to use words to clearly convey a feeling or a mood or a personality that triggers other people’s imagination is a skill … a skill I don’t really have.

My particular problem – as the title of this post suggests – is that even when I think I have the right words, I can’t put them in the right order so what ends up being written isn’t what I actually want to say.

Call it proposition dyslexia.

So as I mentioned earlier, I collect expressions.

These expressions can come from anywhere … books, films, music, conversation … but what is common is that they all manage to represent an idea that takes you somewhere so you don’t so much hear the words, you feel them.

I’ve been collecting these since 1989.

Yep, since before most of you bastards were even born, I have written down words or expressions I’ve seen, heard or read in a little book and then written what category or brand I think it would be best for.

You’d think that after 21 years I’d have thousands … but you’d be wrong, I have maybe a couple of hundred.

To be fair, that might have more to do with the standards of books / films / music / conversations I have rather than anything else, but a couple of hundred is all I have.

The thing is, whilst I do end up using a fair few of them – even if it’s not for the client/category I had originally earmarked them for – their real value is in stimulating my mind during the ideation process, so even if I never end up using “Lessons For The Future” for the History Channel or “Knees Come First” for VA or “The First Draft Of History” for The Times newspaper or “Some Memories We Choose To Remember, Some We’re Not Allowed To Forget” for Drink Driving” … they may have value for another client in another category and when they do, I know the creative team will end up with a thought they can latch onto rather than having to listen to me flail away as I try and capture the words I want to express the idea I want.

Guinness bolognaise?

Four leaf cheese pizza?

I must admit, I’m one of those people who gets the absolute shits when I hear American’s say they’re “Irish American” just because their great, great, great, great, great Grandfather once ate a spud in Dublin.

I get particularly annoyed when they try and claim St Patrick’s day has some deep cultural meaning to them when we all know they just want an excuse to get pissed like the rest of the World.

But then nothing gets under my skin than hearing someone blame their [tenuous] heritage for their bad behaviour like this stupid bitch from the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Jesus, I have an Italian Mother and an English Father and yet I don’t demand I get time off because it’s my Saints Day’s birthday or something.

I am sure that the people who make a very big deal of their very small mulitcultural heritage do it because it makes them feel ‘special’ against the masses … which is quite interesting given in many other walks of life, the ‘pure’ are more highly regarded than the mutts.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very proud of my dual heritage, but because I grew up in England, I feel a much closer connection to Blighty culture than Italian [as my dress sense proves] so whilst I think everyone should embrace their roots, I believe there’s a point where the ‘link’ is no longer worthy of being articulated because apart from it making you look a twat, it keeps grudges and conflicts alive and we could all do without that.

Whilst it is supposedly about planning, the reality is that a lot of what we talk about can easily be transferred to many functions within the office … from how to manipulate a conversation through to how you can start identifying insights.

Anyway last Wednesday I ended up spending some time with Map – an absolutely fabbie suit we have here who is also a trained horticulturalist, though why I mention that is still open to debate.

Putting aside the fact that she pointed out I started in advertising the same year she was born [HOWTHEFUCKDIDTHATHAPPEN!] the thing I love about Map is her attitude.

One thing that really bothers me is how many people go into jobs focused almost exclusively on their pay cheque.

Actually what bothers me even more is that some people believe that because they went to university, they’ve paid their dues and are now entitled to the big salary.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge supporter of education but just because you have a degree doesn’t mean you suddenly have all the answers to the Universe.

But Map’s not like this.

Sure she would like to have more cash in her pocket and have more responsibility, but she wants to earn the right to get that so what she does is ask questions, explores stuff and basically has a go.

What this all means is that not only is she a fantastic person to work with, but she’s likely to go far because in the future she’ll be able to prove her value to an employer and/or client rather than just talk herself up and have it all crash down the moment she has to deliver on something specific.

Basically what I am trying to say is that I’m quite old school.

You see I don’t really care how long someone’s been doing their job or where they’ve done it … I’m far more impressed by what they’ve done, tried or failed which is why I tend to favour people who have lived [and live] a life, rather than just an advertising lifestyle.

The photo above was taken at a travel agent I passed and the Concorde plane was in their window.

Apart from the plane no longer being in service, the fact the ‘nose’ has snapped off just makes the impression of the company even worse. Seriously, are you going to book a holiday with an organisation that can’t even get it’s window display right?

I remember a few years ago having a meltdown before a pitch because some of the bulbs in our meeting room needing changing.

I appreciate it might not appear a big deal and that it would be nice to think clients care more about the quality of the work than the environment, but apart from the fact that is [sadly] not true, if you can’t be bothered to get those things right, what’s to say you can’t get their details right either.

There’s a very famous story about the rock band Van Halen who used to demand huge bowls of M&M’s at all their concerts but with all the brown ones taken out.

For years people used to use this as a perfect example of Rock Star arrogance/power/pettines/excess [though I did also hear some people said it showed the band were racist devil worshipers!] however a while back I was lucky enough to meet their then manager who – when I asked him what the M&M situation was all about – explained it wasn’t something the band wanted, it was something he wanted.

You see he was of the view that if a promoter paid attention to ensuring there were no brown M&M’s backstage, he would probably have ensured the countless other demands and requirements of the group were also executed to their liking/standards … so contrary to popular belief that this was all about feeding the ego of some Rock Stars, it was actually a test as to how trusted a person/company could be.

Evil genius.

Three years.

The thing is, it seems longer than that.

I don’t mean it in a bad way – I’ve loved and love every second of it – it’s just that when I look back at all the things we’ve done in that time [just the amount of countries we’ve lived in for a start] I’m amazed it’s been such a relatively short time.

I was quite apprehensive about getting married.

Well, not apprehensive but … OK, apprehensive.

The thing was, despite having a face only a Mum could love, I didn’t want my chance with hot babes like Angelina Jolie to go out the window because I had a ring on my finger.

Even though Jill said I could “have a go” if Ms Pitt knocked on my door one night, feeling lonely … the thought of being a one woman bloke for the rest of my life made me nervous even though prior to Jill, I wasn’t exactly knocking them back with a shitty stick.

The madness was that I knew this woman made me happier than anyone I’d ever met.

Not only that, but she made me feel a better person and with the amount of insecurities I had/have, that’s quite an achievement.

And then – as if any more reasons were required – she was willing to put up with my ‘ways’. Hell, in most cases she even seemed to quite like them … though my tidying obsession definitely got on her tits.

In short, she not only was the catch of the century, but I loved her … yet despite all that, I was almost too frightened to act upon it and a life of right-hand loneliness was beckoning.

Now zoom forward 3 years and I realise what a bloody idiot I almost was.

If I knew then what I knew now, there’d of been no hesitation on my part … it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done.

I still am amazed this woman wants to be with me because without doubt, I got the much better part of the deal.

She is beautiful, funny, smart [excluding the odd Jillyism] and makes me laugh and feel loved each and every day.

Life is so much better because now I not only have someone to share what we’ve done, but to help me see what we can still do and that is why today is such a good day because not only does it signify the anniversary of my marriage, but also a moment in time where for once in my life, I made the right decision and for that I am truly grateful and amazed.

So to my darling wife … Happy anniversary … I love you more than I can ever express and the fact that [1] you’ll still let me ‘comfort’ Angelina if she comes a knocking and [2] you didn’t take it personally when I realised I’d booked dinner tonight with Patrick [which I’ve subsequently cancelled, so put your knives away] only makes me love you more.