The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Escalator To Heaven …
June 24, 2010, 5:50 am
Filed under: Comment

Despite saying this blog would be set on ‘pause’ while I got sorted in China, I’ve still managed to churn out a steady stream of rant bollocks over the last few weeks.

The good news is that this Friday, I will be internet access denied until we move to China and even then, you will have a few weeks grace as I try and get things up and running so apart from the couple of posts I’ve managed to pre-write for the next week or so, you’ll be free from me for almost THREE WEEKS!

That’s the good news … the bad news is that until then, you’ll have to put up with this post.


We see them everywhere ….

In houses, offices, shops and streets.

Wherever you look they are there … leading you up or taking you down … except it dawned on me that basically for the last 5 years, I’ve not had to use them at all.

Since 2005, I’ve lived in single story apartments that have always had lifts to take me up to my floor.

And for work … I’ve always been based in buildings that have had escalators and elevators to help me get where I want to go.

Also, because the last few years have been predominantly spent in Singapore/HK – countries built for convenience – the majority of my destinations have been served with transportation that has not needed leg power to get where I want to go.

Now I appreciate this might not make much sense but a couple of days ago I realised the Wieden office in Shanghai is a magnet for stairs and the apartment we’re looking to rent has 3 floors, so my relationship with stairs is going to be reignited whether I like it or not … and that pleases me because as weird as this may sound, I think stairs are brill!

Not only do they help you get where you want to go, but they make you fitter too.

OK, so I am not saying climbing 13 stairs a day is the equivalent of a gym workout – but then I would guess the majority of people don’t go to the gym either – so if Governments want their subjects to be healthier and fitter people, why don’t they start taxing companies on how many lifts/escalators they use because in this profit obsessed World we live in, I would say they would rather take out a lift if it meant they could make an extra $2 profit.

FInally, I can’t wait to go into NIKE HQ for the first time – because if there was ever a company who should be anti-lift/escalator, it’s them.

OK, mental rant over, as you were …

49 Comments so far
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There was always going to be a day when you would have to ditch the rollerskates.

Comment by Chris

ditching the rollerskates maybe, but if this is what campbell writes ditching the medication then doctors need to give him some stronger fucking stuff. for our fucking sakes.

Comment by andy@cynic

“It’s my life”

Comment by northern

is this a fucking joke? leopard skin fat lass dresses was bad but fucking stairs? to make it worse you talk about them like you have been given access to suck brian may and his musical dinosaurs cocks, what the fuck has got into you? the nike hq question was bordering on interesting but thats likely because the rest of the post is lower than a snakes shitter.

before you announced a blog holiday you had a good fucking run of blog posts. hear that campbell, im complimenting you but this weeks efforts makes me want to write to the commies and tell them to do whatever the fuck it takes to make sure their firewall cant be penertrated.

penertrated. what a perfect choice of word because what youve just done with this post is fucked with our mind which almost makes me like it and you. but not quite. madfuck.

Comment by andy@cynic

i like the post title. who wrote it for you or more fucking precisely, whod you steal it from?

Comment by andy@cynic

i hear the brit government like your elevator tax scheme campbell because its another way to raise some cash other than raising vat to 99%.

Comment by andy@cynic

What Andy said. Take your pick on which comment, I agree with all of them.

Stairs are fucktards. Elevators rule.

Comment by Billy Whizz

i am your master and you are my fucking puppet. muppet.

Comment by andy@cynic

Lazy fat bastards the lot of you

Comment by northern

Small minded ‘thinkers’.


Comment by Rob

fuck me your intellectual c4 has floored me. i cant move. im a broken and humbled man.

am i fuck.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’ve read this twice and I still can’t make any sense of it. Are you suggesting that Nike should sponsor staircases, create interactive ones or invent the new stairwalking craze? Frankly I don’t care. I’d prefer to ask the assembled plannersphere to explain why it is that the english more than anyone else over-estimate the potential and the performance of their sports teams and individuals. Why is that?

Comment by John

you got all that from campbells post? youre either a genius or a sad twat with too much time on his hands.

as for the brits false hope for their sporting “stars”, it so they can feel as superior and powerful as their forefuckingfathers did when they ran half the world.

englands global domination has declined almost as much as gary glitters but at least the sick, bald fuck tried to penetrate other countires rather than sit back and be penertrated like britain has for the last 40 years.

penertrate. its my word of the day.

Comment by andy@cynic

Of course I didnt get that from the post – I just tried to guess what “three floors” Campbell was struggling with (incidentally which floor is going to be the Shanghai equivalent of George’s garage?).

As for the old global domination shtick, I’m not so sure. The results/performances don’t lie so it’s more to do with hope than reality. And other countries have lost empires but I think they’re more realistic about their teams.

Comment by John

and before all you do gooding liberals have a go at me, i was taking the piss and dont like glitter, kiddy fiddlers or invasion but those jocks and taffs could do with a visit from her majesties paras and a big fucking nuclear bomb.

Comment by andy@cynic

I simply meant that I don’t think NIKE HQ should have lifts or escalators because as a sports company, they should never let people take the lazy [unhealthy?] option.

It was a throw-away comment Doddsy … no need to take it so literally, you don’t normally.

As for England’s over hopeful fans – I think there’s a number of reasons – but I do think [amazingly] Andy’s comment about the heritage of England [read: once global parahia’s] has something to do with it … and whilst we were in no way unique in punching above our weight, we do seem to spend a lot of time “celebrating” this fact, be it in school history lessons or movies.

I also think that whilst the ‘results don’t lie’ … our hopes and dreams do … so despite all the odds, we still think this might be the year we do a Hollywood moment and defy the odds to claim the crown and once more be seen as all-conquering heros.

Our psyche is wired to think our rightful place is always at the top of the tree … our abilities & attitude tend to be a bit further down.

Comment by Rob

I wasn’t taking it literally, I was taking the piss.

Comment by John

And while the adulation of a very average performance against a very below average Slovenia was the starting point, I deliberately included individuals too. Think Wimbledon – what do individuals’ success have to do with national dominance?

Comment by John

when your life has turned out to be one big fucking false promise and underachievement, anything that lets you pretend you are a winner is good, even if its the weakest association since campbell mentioned his link with george fucking lucas.

Comment by andy@cynic

i wouldnt mind if germany is going home early. i just wouldnt be able to bear another national coma after witnessing the one following the eurovision song contest victory. also, its a bit sick if so called news channels show football chitter chatter all day.

Comment by peggy

Oh now I see what this is all about. It’s a sly reference to the cost of Canadian staircases.

Comment by John

Andy doesn’t do stairs. He has people for that.

Comment by Rob

twat. besides, thats what wives are for.

Comment by andy@cynic

Towards the end of my stay in New York I remember feeling that stairs will be the one thing I recall the most about the city and I was right.

Stairs, stairs, stairs everywhere! Subways, offices, apartments… you’re always going up, then down and/or vice versa.

I remember thinking I’d prob never climbed so many stairs in 3 weeks, ever. I also wondered how the city managed to help the elderly population that would find the amount of stairs in the city physically demanding. They must manage I suppose but it was interesting to me coming from Melbourne – a relatively new city which builds with this in mind – as opposed to NYC which has to shoe-horn solutions into existing buildings and subway infrastructure.

I like your Nike thought btw. Live the mantra right?

Comment by Age

can every fucker take a long hard look at themselves and realise theyre talking about fucking stairs. and that most definitely includes you age.

Comment by andy@cynic

Planners think about eveything, don’t you know this?
And imagine the pondering time you lose by taking the lift.

Comment by northern

I’m with you Age and not purely because it will annoy Andy.

Comment by Pete

planners are pricks.

Comment by andy@cynic

Just Climb IT

Comment by northern

around our way they used to sell this kush called stairway to heaven…

Comment by niko

Stairs – A Haiku

rectangle boxes
stacked in a pyramid style
takes effort to climb

The APSOTW extra credit assignment is up by the way! Would be great if you could link to it 😀

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Stairs _ Another haiku

Sodding Lift Is Broken.

Comment by John

And another one:
Andy takes the lift
fat and rich
lazy is his soul
lazy he is

Comment by northern

He’ll take that as a compliment.

Comment by Rob

I can confirm your theory. since moving to amsterdam – the land of many stairs, and very few lifts – my legs have transformed into something I don’t mind showing off in a skirt every once in a while.

I can’t ever move home now.

Comment by katie dreke

That should be part of a tourism campaign.

AMSTERDAM: Our ladies have legs they want to show off.

Comment by Rob

taxation ideas… i have plenty. like many others. they got nothing to do with stairs tho. but lets face it, my dear government wont listen to me. they cant even hear me yell at them from down here, given i wont throw donations, consultancy contracts or top jobs in.

less lifts… what about physically handicapped people. and the ceo-level folk in the one or other conservative company. dont they have their own lifts to heaven and wouldnt mind paying 2 bucks extra for convenience? or close all lifts except that one lol

Comment by peggy

Little story …

When the Empire State building opened, people complained that it took too long for the lifts to arrive … however instead of speeding things up, the clever folk at the lift company simply changed the lift doors so they reflected the image of the people waiting and because they had something they liked to look at [ie: themselves] the complaints instantly stopped.

Off topic, but it’s my blog innit, ha!

Comment by Rob

what a sad story. they actually enjoyed not only looking at themselves, but looking at themselves waiting.

Comment by peggy

Still happening … you check out most lift doors, all reflective.

What a sad bunch of in-love-with-ourselves race we are.

Comment by Rob

looking at the state of the world… can gazing into a mirror be an expression of love? it seems we need to reflect lol

Comment by peggy

off topic. I have achieved what I set out to do on this blog..

mazeltov all and andy

Comment by niko

youre convinced to move to amsterdam now? mazel tov! 🙂

Comment by peggy

with your countrymen being kicked out the fucking world cup they were supposed fucking champions of, maybe you should rename this post elevator to hell.

Comment by andy@cynic

He’s got twin nationality, there’s always England to fall back on..oh bollocks

Comment by northern

Let’s hope Rob is secretly 75% German…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

crash and burn.

Comment by andy@cynic

[…] I thought I was going to end up in a house – with stairs – we’ve ended up in an apartment, an apartment that is much smaller than many of the […]

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