The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Forget Steroids & Drugs, Get Married …
May 14, 2009, 6:27 am
Filed under: Comment

I’ve tried to write this post for quite a while.

I must of re-written the thing literally about 20 times, and yet on each occasion, I’ve never been able to capture exactly what I am trying to express.

To be honest, my writing ability has never been that good.

When I read how Marcus or Fred or Age or Kaj express themselves, I just put my head in my hands – they’re bloody brilliant – however I know I will never be like them, so even though I’m not happy with what I’ve written, this will just have to do.

In short, I think I am married to the best wife in the whole, wide World.

I’m not saying this because she occasionally reads this blog or because she lets me do stupid things to her [ie: The Jillyism blog or writing messages on her head when she’s asleep like the one above which reads “I LUV SATAN”] … I’m saying it because in the 5 years she’s been in my life, she’s demonstrated a level of loyalty and faith that takes my breath away.

I know marriage is about ‘for better or worse’ but I would assume most people go into the ultimate commitment with the expectation that neither party will be a total fuckwit and yet in our marriage, I can’t help but feel I’ve let her down on this assumption.

Of course I could argue the clues were there from the beginning …

Let’s face it, when you’re dragged to Asia within weeks of meeting and made to spend your Boxing Day watching Nottingham Forest in the freezing cold before being taken to my beloved Shalamar Restaurant in West Bridgford for a dodgy curry … you should know you’re getting involved with someone rather sad, but despite that, I still think she deserves better.

I know she knows I love her ridiculously … not just because I tell her every day, but because of a whole bunch of other things, things that are actually quite small but mean a great deal to her … however the fact is I still travel too much, I still let work creep into our personal life and I still get grumpy when I’m tired [which is approx 89.6% of the time] yet despite this, she’s always there for me, offering advice, encouragement and support with her beautiful smile and her infectious laugh.

How the hell did I get so lucky?

OK, a trip to Graceland and a cat probably helped but when you consider the circumstances I’ve put her in – especially in the last 12 months – she has gone beyond the call of duty.

Someone recently asked me what was one of the biggest challenges in being married.

Well maybe it’s because I am an only child … but for me, it’s the fact I have someone who actually wants to take away my problems … wants to help … wants us to move forward together.

That’s not saying my parents weren’t like that – they were, as was the odd previous girlfriend – but Jill does it in a way that makes me feel like I can achieve more and do it in a better way. In short, she makes me a better man.

I know this post probably doesn’t make much sense – and I appreciate it’s unbelievably indulgent [and possibly sickening] – but I wanted to write something because even though I try and always tell her how I’ve noticed the things she’s done for me/us, it’s important she understands how much I appreciate it and what it means to me.

Thank you wifey … you’re the best.


29 Comments so far
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so this is the secret to no alimony.

youre only saved from total pussy whipped humiliation because of your fucking inspired and devilish “satan” tat though “666” would of been funnier.

youre right on one thing, none of us know how you got so fucking lucky either. is jill a medical researcher?

Comment by andy@cynic

Did she catch you in bed with your cat or something? So let me get this straight. You can scrawl devil messages on her head while she sleeps and she stays married to you and I can spill 3 drops of red wine on my womans cream carpet and she tells me to fuck off? Life’s so unfair.

Comment by Billy Whizz

dont date one of my ex wives then billy.

dont fucking crap yourself i know youre not. youre too ugly and poor for them and if you spilt a microdot of water on their shoe theyd fucking disembowl you not tell you to fuck off.

rob & jill were made for eachother. now that shows nature has a sense of humour. or mischief.

Comment by andy@cynic

Hahaha, nature has a sense of humour… brilliant

Comment by Rob Mortimer

All men talk tough when they’re together but behind their front doors they’re all pussycats.

This is very sweet Robert but the head writing is a no no even if it made me giggle.

Jemma x

Comment by Jemma King

I have to take Sarah out for dinner now to make sure she doesn’t see this post. Can I charge it to you?

PS – The head thing is pure 5 year old stuff. Brilliant, but a little alarming for a company director to openly admit to, even more so when it’s my company director. 🙂

Comment by Pete

What can I say? I’m just good at keeping the romance alive.

Comment by Rob

Honey, this post means a lot to me… I don’t have the words to tell you how happy I am to be Mrs Campbell…. Even when you’re writing about satan love on my forehead (I still say that was a missed opportunity to write something much more offensive) or throwing a tantrum when you can’t figure out how to connect your latest technology splurge you’re still by a million miles the most generous, kindest, biggest hearted, most loving & inspiring man I’ve ever known. Throw in your gorgeous blue eyes & bald head & what more could a woman ask for….

you’ll be getting lucky tonight… yup, that means – supersized spaghetti & meatballs on the table & an enron doco on the telly… jxx

Comment by jill

I didn’t take you for someone who had led such a sheltered life but it’s now clear that you grew up on a tiny island with no form of communication with the outside world and only left five years ago.

Comment by John

Did I get supersized spaghetti & meatballs on the table & an Enron doco on the telly?

Nope …

I’ve been punked by the wife, I relate more to Andy than I ever have. 🙂

Comment by Rob

Gentlemen, the masterclass in ‘wife management’ is now over, please pay the cashier.

Comment by Rob

make sure his dinner is on the fucking table when he comes home or youll see the back of his manipulative evil hand.

Comment by andy@cynic

Dude, you are awesome… and yes, lucky! hehe

Comment by Age

i know i am. but its talent not fucking luck.

Comment by andy@cynic

That’s it Andy, claim the praise even when it’s got nothing to do with you. 🙂

Comment by Rob

Forget about writing on Jill’s head, that indian “restaurant” looks terrible.

Comment by Bazza

Of course Jill loves satan, she’s married to him. How could you Robert?

Comment by Lee Hill

Up there with Billy Bob and Angelina..

Even Ike and Tina made more sense..


let me get this straight..when he gets lucky he gets treated to food on a table, instead of the usual when he gets food served…in the barn, on the stoop?

Comment by niko

Thankyou very much, you’ve just exposed the rest of us as the cynical, emotionally stunted, undeserving fools we really are.
Now I’m going to have to buy Mrs Northern Flowers to make myself feel better (and her of course).

Comment by northern

rob campbell: marshmallow. jill barker: angel.

Comment by lauren

Hah, this is such a great post 😀 I’ve had some terrible weeks and even though this isn’t about me, it just made me smile (that came out a bit wrong but I’m too tired and in pain now to think of rephrasing it).

Imagine though, stop writing stuff on her forehead, remember that if you’re bald your whole head is a canvas for her!

Comment by andrea

Thank you.

Comment by Marcus

Jesus NP, if you think writing “I LUV SATAN” on my wifes head while she’s asleep shows you as a cynical, emotionally stunted, undeserving fool, then I suggest Mrs NP takes her bump and runs away with the circus.

And Andrea – it’s nice to have you back, what’s been going on love? You OK?

Your comment about my entire head being a potential canvas for Jill’s revenge is fair except for 2 key issues …

1/ I am not bald, I just choose to look this way.


2/ The moment Jill’s head hits the pillow she goes through 3 stages that take a total of 7.4 seconds …

[i] turns into Gareth from the office … as seen on

[ii] she falls asleep

And yes Andy, she really is asleep – she’s not pretending to avoid my charms, you sick bastard.

[See how this romantic post has quickly gone into the gutter. I knew it would happen and it’s all your fault!]

Comment by Rob

3 stages in 7.4 seconds? You are so compatible.

Comment by John

Have you become Benny Hill all of a sudden?

Comment by Rob

3 stages = 3 times in 7.4 seconds

Comment by Bazza

Takes practice to be that efficient …

Comment by Rob

Thank you? Thank you?

What do you mean Marcus … are you going to show Eva how lucky she is because she’s not had any late night pen tattoos?

Comment by Rob

Thank you for the compliment. You fool.

Comment by Marcus

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