The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

A Day To Remember …
February 27, 2007, 4:02 am
Filed under: Comment

… and not just because George has succumbed to ‘Delhi Belly’ – despite claiming not to have let a single drop of tap/shower water touch his lips. [He’s been washing/shaving with fucking Evian!]

Anyway, it all started weirdly when this morning, I attended a meeting where the ‘host’ – as a sign of [supposed] respect – invited a ‘Spiritual Guru’ along, to pass on a few nuggets to leading a happier, healthier life. 

Now believe it or not, I am quite open to this sort of thing [well, sort-of open] however this guy seemed like a complete and utter con artist … which resulted in me spending most of my time trying not to laugh out loud in this blokes face.

Have a look at these slides he presented to me – even a planner couldn’t come up with that sort of bollocks [well OK, a few could] …


Answers on a postcard please …


Celebrate everything, do you here? EVERYTHING!

… and yet, while we were being tormented by the monotonous monotone of this ‘Guru’s’ voice, the host was lapping it up as if Jesus himself was speaking to him.

The boring bugger went on and on for ages … and everytime you sensed he was coming to an end, he said he needed ‘another 5 minutes’ and then would carry on as if time had no meaning – which it probably doesn’t to him.

It was seriously mind-numbing … but please know I did try to pay attention, the problem was it was all so ridiculous that within 10 seconds, I’d start giggling and have to chuck one of the weird ‘nuts/polo mint’ concoctions into my mouth so that I could look like I was eating rather than laughing.

The really scary thing is this guy is a multi-multi millionaire … he gets paid outrageous amounts of money by ‘believers’ to spout loads of crap which they interpret as ‘words of humanity’. 

I absolutely detest these self-appointed-guru’s with their patronising smiles and condescending attitudes … as far as I am concerned they are the equivalent of ambulance chasing lawyers – except instead of hunting down accident victims, they seek out the individuals with low esteem. Or maybe I am just a bad tempered, angry shit whose soul has no chance of redemption. It’s quite possible.

Now I know this makes me sound a total and utter prick, but when you get told that a flower blossomed because some ‘happy’ prisoners walked past it [as opposed to when it almost died because some sad ‘free people’ checked it out] then you’ll maybe afford me abit of grace. 

I know it was done with the best intentions, but O-H M-Y G-O-D, it was one of the funniest painful moments of my life.

Anyway, from one extreme to the other …

So after a long day of meetings [it got better after ‘Guru gob’ – but it would have been hard not to] I was taken to a welcome dinner – described as a ‘Night  Of Indian Extravaganza’.

After a 50 minute drive through some of the World’s wealthiest and poorest neighbourhoods [which would test the emotions of even the most cold-hearted person] I finally arrived at the destination where – true to their word – I was treated to the whole spectrum of Indian hospitality – which included the Rocky theme being played at a billion decibels which was rather surreal.

Anyway, rather than describing everything I saw, I’ll just show you a bunch of photos from the evening – it’ll probably do it more justice than any words I could muster and I appreciate this is a very indulgent post of nothingness – but it’s my blog so you can’t stop me. Well you could, but you don’t know my home address. Or do you??? Eek. [Can you tell I’m tried and shell-shocked? Ha]

Oh, last thing … when I was on the bus, I passed a double glazing window shop which used the quite wonderful line, “Burglar Proof Glass”

How lovely is that eh? I soooo hope it means its unbreakable glass or there is a rather big flaw in that thought, hahaha! Night.

You’ve not been in India unless you see an elephant.


Still smaller than Andy. But to be fair to Andy, it was a small elephant. Well, small by elephant standards – it still seemed huge to me!


Traditional Indian Dancing [but NOT to the ‘Rocky’ theme. Thank God!]


Women dancing with, errrrrrm, pots of fire on their heads. As you do.

Don’t worry, this isn’t some terrible incident relating to the ‘pot of fire’ [if it was, I’d send it to ‘Candid Camera’ or something] it’s a fire eater – or fire blower – in all his glory.

And finally …

First they tell me it is culturally respectful, then they call me Taliban-Man all bloody night!  And some people say the Indian people don’t have a sense of humour.

15 Comments so far
Leave a comment

good morning! ha!ha!! i think if i looked under the definition of ‘bemused’ in the illustrated oxford dictionary, i would probably see that picture.

Comment by lauren

Lauren is right…that’s a wonderfully bemusing picture. I’m pissing myself here.

You know India has progressed (I think) when spiritual gurus are using PowerPoint to become millionaires.

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

Comment by andy@cynic

nice to see you are willing to turn your back on any self esteem for the good of my fucking future.
keep up the good work, its for a good cause.

Comment by andy@cynic

“What the fuck am I doing?”

“Don’t you dare take a photo of me looking like this.”

“Being culturally respecful, sucks”

Your face in that last photo says all those things and I love it. Seriously Rob, I haven’t laughed so much in ages and I almost forgot how much stomach pain hell I’m in.

On the positive side, you do look kind of swarthy and Lawrence of Arabia like, just in a very white and pissed off sort of way.

We should send a copy of this photo to Billy because I am sure it’ll have the same sort of recuperating effect on him as it did on me.

Thank you, it’s almost made this trip enjoyable.

Comment by George

stop complaining george, argentina is a million times worse. at least you are staying in your hotel because your arse needs to be within 3 feet of a toilet. i had to stay in my hotel because otherwise id be mugged, shot or killed.
you travel lightweight wimp. happy shitting.

Comment by andy@cynic

with one of my partners stuck on a toilet and the other too ashamed to ever show his face in public again, i question whether there will a big enough pot of “bright future” to share with everyone on this blog, despite how generous george and rob were being. oh well, as long as im ok.

Comment by andy@cynic

Even with Delhi belly, I’ll never be able to produce as much crap as you spout on a daily basis. Love George.

Comment by George

thank you, thats a compliment. now pick up your fucking phone as im trying to call you.

Comment by andy@cynic

Give me 5, I’m trying to wake Rob from the dead.

Comment by George

How I wish I’d dreamt all this, or at least kept it to myself!

Well you’re all bastards – but as I’d do exactly the same if the tables were turned, I salute you.

Lets hope today is a lot better for all our sakes then eh?!

Saying that, I’ve just found an Italian newspaper has been slid under my hotel room door so it could quite easily continue to be rather surreal.

Later …

Comment by Rob

Ok as the only ‘Indian’ on this blog, I feel the need to disown India from Rob’s host and all his actions. All these are as traditionally Indian as Swaraj Paul is a Lord in the English court. The best way to see real India is to first and foremost avoid the ‘Company’ that Rob has with him now and it’ll all be ok.
Of course, you’ll still be assaulted with flower garlands at your hotel, and choice abuse from fellow road users. But like Andy says at least no one’s trying to kill you using guns, using tap water maybe, but never using guns.

Comment by Hari

The tension of bright future is killing me.


Comment by Marcus Brown

Classically funny, but no comment.
I think Hari said it all…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Future looking sort-of bright – but it could also be an oncoming train with its lights on! Going to dinner [minus any bloody turban. I hope] to try and find out which one it is, ha!

And Hari, you’ll be happy to know that today, I met some of the greatest Indian guys – the heads of Dabbalwala – wonderful, kind, smart people who I am basically in awe of.

Comment by Rob

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