The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Lost In My Own Selfish Sorrow …
May 16, 2023, 8:15 am
Filed under: Comment, Dad, Death, Family, Mum

As I mentioned at the time, my Easter holiday was rubbish.

I got a virus the day before Good Friday and basically was ill – in bed – for the entire holiday.

To pass the time between falling asleep, I watched endless TikTok’s and Reel’s.

In-between the wannabe’s and impressive, there were more than a few that triggered a lot of emotions in me.

Posts that talked about memories and loss …. whether of friends, family or pets.

I’d love to say that I cried a lot because I was feeling sorry for myself, and while that is true – there was a lot more going on.

Despite being 52.

Despite my parents being gone for 8 years and 24 years respectively.

Despite having an utterly wonderful family and professional life.

I’m a bit of a mess.

There’s a whole host of reasons – part of it simply being a sentimental emotional bastard [as Andy used to say] but there was one clip that dug deep.

It was a kid on the streets of London who was asked what was one of the saddest times of their life.

They talked about the loss of their Dad and then they mentioned how amazing their Mum had been, because even though she had to deal with the loss of the person she loved most, she had to also ensure their son didn’t fall too far.

And while I’ve always recognised and realised that, something in their comment hit me hard.

There have been far too many occasions where I’ve been stuck in my own pig-headed selfish world. Thinking about the impact of things on me, not really considering the impact on those around me. And while most people have let me get away with this – knowing I’m going through a hard time – it still upsets me I can get so lost in my own shit.

That’s not how I was brought up. That’s not how I used to be.

So with that I want to say thank you to Mum.

Thank you for your love and support.

Thank you for sacrificing your pain to help me get through mine.

Thank you for always being there with your gentle encouragement.

Thank you for your strength when everything was falling apart.

Thank you for your love, support, patience and protection.

I am so sorry I took more from you than I gave.

I am so sorry I chose to be ignorant to the truth for so long.

Believing you were being negative about Dad’s situation when you were caring for him 24/7 and I was visiting from Australia.

I appreciate now how much additional worry I must have caused you, wondering how I’d cope with his health reality, when I chose to finally let it in.

When I would be forced to let it in.

I wish I had not been so blinkered and blind and lost in my own distress.

I wish I had been stronger so you could fall, rather than always pick me up.

I wish you had not lost the man you loved so much so early.

I am so grateful for all you did for me. And continue to do for me.

Thank you for being the best Mum I could ever have.

Love you Mum.


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