The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

How the creative brief must be, “do whatever you want as long as it’s either contrived or a ridiculous take on masculinity”.

In all honesty, I thought there could be nothing else in this category that could surprise me … especially after Chanel Number 5 used Brad Pitt – in his ‘greasy’ period – in their 2012 campaign.

But I was wrong, because when I went to the UK recently, I saw an ad for Boss aftershave that transcended everything.

That became the new blueprint for complete and utter bollocks.

You want to know how bad it is?

2 words.

Gerard. Butler.

But it’s even worse than that … it’s Gerard Butler spouting pretentious, machismo, ad-manifesto bollocks about being ‘the man of today’.

The man of today?

Are you kidding me?

He wasn’t even the man of yesterday and this is coming from the man that – based on his dress sense – was the man of 1986.

I cannot tell you how bad this ad is.

It’s almost an anti-ad because while it might attract some sad wankers who want to kid themselves into thinking they’re some sort of honourable warrior [or something] when really they’re either a steroid-sucking meathead or a shiny-Burton-suit-wearing accountant from Slough … it is also guaranteed to keep any man with an ounce of sense, miles away from it.

If you are a woman going out with a man and suspect he is wearing the Boss aftershave being promoted by Mr Butler … then run.

Run as fast as you can.

Because not only is he full of his own self importance – while being in possession of a personality that is brimming with cliche and contrived behaviour – he is bound to have a minuscule cock and offer you all the sexual satisfaction of a sherbet dib-dab.

And if you’re man and are given this as a present by a woman.

Hide as quickly as you can.

Because not only is she the sort of woman that aspires to be either on Big Brother or a WAG for a 3rd division, mid-table football team, midfielder [who sits on the bench] … her version of ‘the perfect man’ is Gerard Butler, a man who makes Fabio look like Einstein.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.