The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Does UPS Stand For Utter Parcel Shit? Yes … Yes It Does.
March 29, 2012, 6:15 am
Filed under: Comment

I’ve been doing this ad lark for a long time.

One of the very first bits of advice I was ever given was from the genius Steve Henry who told me,

“Good advertising is the fastest way to destroy a bad brand”.

In essence, what he was saying was if you pimp your wares to the great unwashed and say things like, “you’re great” and “you can trust us”, you’d better deliver because otherwise you’re going to suffer.

So, a while back – maybe 8 weeks ago – Jill’s Dad in Canada wanted to send us some things.

On top of the usual ‘family stuff’, he had sent us a couple of products he wanted our viewpoint on.

These weren’t just any product, these were products that [1] he had invented and [2] could literally change the face of an entire category … so you can understand why – when you also take into account the madness of China – he opted to get them couriered over to us rather than trust the postal service.

Now in terms of delivery company, there’s basically the big 4: FEDEX, DHL, TNT and UPS.

While I have no idea what exactly influenced Jill’s Dad choice, I’m guessing the fact UPS were running a multi million dollar campaign explaining how they “loved logistics” had something to do with it.

OK …. so that ad should have given him a clue all might not be as it seems, however what has happened over the subsequent weeks will ensure he, me – and hopefully all of you who read this rubbish – will never use them again.

A few weeks back I got a phone call.

I answered and a woman immediately asks, “Do you speak Chinese?”

When I said no, she giggled and said wait a moment.

I waited.

I waited some more.


I hung up.

This happened a few more times before I finally said, “Who are you and why do you keep calling me?”

Only then did they reveal it was UPS.

OK, so you’d think we were on the way to getting things moving – but oh no – because the next thing the person on the phone said was that I had to email them with a full list of what was in the package and whether it was for personal or professional use.

After I pointed out that [1] I didn’t know what was in the package and [2] I didn’t know who it was from [at that time, I was unaware Jill’s Dad had sent us anything] they asked me to email them anyway and they’d take it from there.

One week passed.

Two weeks passed.


I re-emailed.

A reply! Yippee!

Except it was a reply telling me the person wasn’t dealing with the issue anymore and I had to write to someone else.

I emailed.

An almost instant reply. Yippee!

“Can you send your Chinese Visa and passport info to us for customs clearance.”

I email it over within the hour.


One week passes.

I email them again.


Finally a reply and do you know what it said?

It said the parcel was not for me, it was for my wife so all my information was useless.


I replied asking why they had called me in the first place and why they hadn’t mentioned this in any of the correspondence.


I go to UPS website to find a formal way to complain … and guess what, you can only do it via their ‘form’.

So I write to them and slag them off on Twitter.

Somehow someone from UPS see’s my tweet and tells me to write to them so they can help sort it out.

Finally, some positive action so I eagerly write to them explaining my situation.


Not a fucking dickybird.

After a few days I get an email from UPS China telling me I had to supply Jill’s “China ‘in and out’ stamps from her passport”.

After a strongly worded email asking WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING as well as WHAT THE HELL HAS MY WIFE’S CHINESE IN & OUT PASSPORT STAMPS GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING, I send the requested stuff.

By pure coincidence – and within minutes of sending the previous email – I get a response from UPS HQ, referring to the complaint email I wrote to them via their website.

“The reference number you gave us doesn’t exist, we cannot proceed without this”.

They seriously said that.


What a load of fucking inept wankers.

I’m pissed off now.

Pissed off to the point of pettiness.

So for 3 days, every hour, on the hour, I email the same person at UPS China with the same email:

“Where is my package?

Why aren’t you helping?

This has now been 7 weeks.

You have all the information.

Give me my parcel”

I have to say, I grudgingly admire them because they just ignored me.

Didn’t bat an eyelid.

Then Jill decides to take matters into her own hands.

She rings them up.

What completely fucks UPS China is that my wife speaks Chinese so their “don’t understand” bullshit won’t work on her.

She gets passed from person to person – eventually being told that, “… because we had declined to pay the duty, they hadn’t delivered the parcel.”

Apart from that being a blatant, utter lie … the fact is they hadn’t even told us how much duty was to pay.

So she asked.

And do you know what it was?



That’s one pound 40 pence.


So having told them we would happily pay the charges … having sent them passport information, Chinese visa information and having wasted copious amounts of time, effort and blood pressure, they said they’d get it to us.

That was 10 days ago and still nothing.



Some would say this is a perfect example of ‘China’s frustrations’, and while a part of that might be true, it goes much deeper than that.

UPS are making a huge boast that they love logistics.

They go on about having a global network dedicated to making things happen.

They talk about their ability to get things to people, anywhere in the World, exactly when they need it.

And it’s bollocks.

All fucking bollocks.

OK … OK … I know that mistakes can happen.

I know that sometimes things can just go from bad to worse.

But when that happens, it’s your chance to make amends … turn a negative experience into loyalty for life, as I wrote about ages ago with my Volkswagen experience.

But this isn’t a mistake … it’s a comedy of errors.

No one has taken any responsibility.

No one has tried to make things better.

In fact no has shown the slightest bit of care and consideration whatsoever.

UPS might say they ‘love’ logistics, but it appears they don’t ‘understand’ logistics.

They don’t care about their customers, their employees or – seemingly – their reputation.

They are a blight on the planet and a disgrace to business and I advice each and every one of you to never, ever, ever use them again.

Fuck you UPS, fuck you and your claims … I just hope your ad campaign proves to be hugely successful so you get lots of people calling on you to deliver their precious packages because then, they – and you – will find out Steve Henry’s view is true and you’ll end up receiving the harsh lesson you need to learn how to act like the global brand you pretend to be.

68 Comments so far
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fuck me campbell, i hope you took your blood pressure pill before you wrote this bastard.

Comment by andy@cynic

It’s good right? I like him angry!!
I had a similar experience with UPS when I tried to get a guitar shipped to me. Fucking useless.

Comment by Age

well its better than when hes talking planning shit or waxing fucking lyrical over his best mates cock. where the fuck have you been age? ive had a daughter, whats your bastard excuse. and what the fuck were you thinking getting a guitar shipped to you. for fucks sake man, youre 2 degrees off turning into campbell.

Comment by andy@cynic

Yes I heard, congrats mate! I hope you and the two ladies are doing well 🙂

Comment by Age

this could be the best fucking blog post youve ever written. low fucking base, but still fucking good.

Comment by andy@cynic

petty. viscious. threatening. angry. violent.

its bastard porn and i fucking love it.

Comment by andy@cynic

do those blood pressure pills let you write this shit? do they make sure you dont go overboard with your hate? if they do, why the fuck didnt you take them earlier because this is the closest to the guy i quite liked ive seen you in two fucking decades.

Comment by andy@cynic

Blood pressure pills have nothing to do with it. If you want me to maintain the angry version of me, simply get my salary paid by cheque and delivered by UPS and I’m fairly certain I’ll be like this each and every day.

Comment by Rob

You mean the “very angry” version of you. You’re always angry.

Comment by DH

ups are fucking shit. and what the fuck does “loving logistics” even fucking mean.

you can love a hot babe. you can love a football team. if youre welsh you can love a fucking sheep but you cant fucking love logistics. unless youre a cock. which ups are. guess that answers my question, cocks can love logistics and you cant get a bunch of bigger cocks then up fucking s.

Comment by andy@cynic

I don’t like to encourage you Andrew, but this is brilliant.

Comment by George

Corporate assassination.

This comment is like a copy of the News Of The World. RIP.

Comment by Rob

shame no fucker reads this blog because this post could fuck those ups fuckers up. not as well as theyve fucked you up, but a bit.

Comment by andy@cynic

what the fuck has daddy barker invented and what industry could it change the face of? can i get in on the ground fucking floor because i have an edufuckingcation to pay for. have i told you bastards how beautiful and clever my daughter is? takes after me in every fucking way. except genitalia.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’ll throw in a few dollars.

Comment by Bazza

@Andrew: And to think we thought becoming a father would change you.
@Rob: Like everyone else, I’m intrigued with what your father in law has developed. Any clues? Any samples? Any investment?

Comment by George

fuck you all, ive got first fucking dibs but im willing to take some of bazs millions to help secure him a minority stake because thats the kind of fucking great guy i am.

Comment by andy@cynic

You can all wait until after the first stage has gone through – the first stage where I will make the majority of the opportunity. After the father-in-law and family of course, I’m not totally stupid.

PS: But I’ll match Andy’s offer to Baz if you’re interested mate. I know ‘a few dollars’ for you, is a hell of a lot of dollars for everyone else. Ha.

Comment by Rob

typical fucking campbell. take the meat, give us the fucking scraps and claim its prime fucking beef. bernie bastard madoff could learn a thing or 20 from you.

Comment by andy@cynic

can you fuckers tell this is the first day of the past few weeks where i feel back to my old self? bet youve missed the fuck out of it. well you have to miss it some more losers as ive come to my fucking senses and im off to be inspirational dad again.

Comment by andy@cynic

dont fuck this up by writing some bland planner bollocks tomorrow campbell.

Comment by andy@cynic

who the fuck am i kidding.

Comment by andy@cynic

Good God, I swore off UPS for a lot less than that. Young Andy
(I can say that about most people) is being positively angelic for a fucking change. Deservedly so.

Comment by Ciaran McCabe

well fucking spotted.

Comment by andy@cynic

I don’t know what is better, this post or Andy’s comments. All I know is that it is good to have both of you back.

Comment by Bazza

yes you do fucking know. every bastard knows but lets not ruin campbells mood when hes finally written something half bastard decent.

Comment by andy@cynic

What an amazing story of ineptitude. I knew UPS were bad but this is case study stuff. Lots of valuable points for planners, marketers and brands to take note of, but the best bit is your overall tone (those blood pressure pills are going to be tested to their limits) and Andy’s shotgun blast of comments.

Comment by Pete

fucking trust pete to raise the fucking tone.

Comment by andy@cynic

Thank you Pete.

Comment by Rob

It’s been a while since you let the true you out on here Robert. Or should I say the other side of the true you. Fascinating read. Horrific story. Excellent venom from you and of course, his holiness.

Comment by George

i like holiness. it fucking suits me. good fucking planning auntie. for once.

Comment by andy@cynic

You heard nothing for two weeks before you did anything? That’s why company’s think they can get away with this stuff. They can.

Comment by John

Did any of the eager investors pause for a moment to consider that the category buster might be a bike? Like father in law, like son in law?

Comment by John

no one can out fucking sad campbell and for all his many fucking faults, he can spot a money making scheme from 10,000 fucking miles away. look how he saw the chance to take an old man for a fucking fortune. poor dan w, never stood a fucking chance.

Comment by andy@cynic

Now you know why everything about UPS is brown… It’s the color of shit.
Fuck, do I have to explain everything to you.
Having fun with Niko… I’ll email you when I’m sober.

Comment by adscamgeorge

Now everything is clear. Or should I say brown. Why the hell hasn’t Andrex entered a joint promotion with the UPS idiots – it sounds like a match made in heaven.

Comment by Rob

You were made for south america George.

Comment by John

I will probably end up headless in a fucking dumpster. Not as bad as ending up legless though.

Comment by adscamgeorge

you and niko? throw in charles frith and thats the fucking axis of fucking evil right there.

Comment by andy@cynic

Fuck, Charles Frith… Forgot about him. Is he out of jail yet?

Comment by adscamgeorge

Charles reaches the parts other people dare not go.

Comment by Rob

All we need is Lauren and Marcus to comment and it’s like old times. I’m guessing Andy got a day of rest because he has come back like a bull out of a gate and with grade-A insulting [though scarily, a few compliments as well].

UPS are shit, it’s literally that simple …

Comment by Rob

its your early birthday present. talking of presents, where the fuck is my new dad one? tight prick.

Comment by andy@cynic

If you do get your parcel – can you ask where my Christmas 2006 presents from my family are? 6 months of harassing ups staff in a call centre in china and Newcastle and I gave up …..

Comment by Charley

I swear to god 90% of the stuff on ebay is probably from shell companies started by UPS to flog all the shit they couldn’t be arsed to deliver.

Comment by Rob

Everything Andy said. Everything.

Comment by Billy Whizz

I feel fucking frustrated just reading your experience.. LOL

Comment by CJ

I thought you had better taste than to come on here CJ. I was wrong. Ha.

Hope to see you soon lovely, it’s been ages. Miss ya.

Comment by Rob

Thanks for a fab read Rob – less so from the planning land that Andy is so eager to get you off from, but more so for saving me from listening to my husband’s ongoing rant about his horrific 6 month long ordeal with Sprint’s. Now your much more traumatic version has completely shut him off.

Comment by Angel X

I apologise to your husband for stealing his thunder, but quite frankly, my suffering is more than his because apart from missing out on my ‘gifts’, everyone knows Sprint are shit so he has less excuse for getting in the mess he now finds himself in, than I do.


Comment by Rob

Great story, fucking bad service, always nice to learn something for life.

I’m wondering if or when someone from UPS will pop up here. I’m sure they have one of those ‘social media control centers’ standing around somewhere, wishing people a good morning on twitter and asking them to finish sentences …

Comment by Thomas

Thoroughly enjoyed this blog post and the ‘colourful’ comments. I am sharing with our logistics team who will appreciate your thoughts so much more than me.

Comment by ceegee

Glad you liked this ceegee. If you’re passing it on to your logistics team, I fully expect them to find their way to this site in about 10 years time then.

Comment by Rob

oh snap! hahaaa

Comment by Age

I really don’t know what else there is to say except you seem to hate UPS more than I hate Media Arts.
If you ever get the chance to read Jonathan Franzen’s essay on the Chicago postal service, I suggest you do, it will make your blook boil
Talking of pettiness, when I wass foolish enough to own an Alfa Romeo, it needed a new heater matrix (whatever the fuck that is) the car wasn’t ready for three consecutive days despite their promises, leading me to call them every hour until they gave in.
When I picked it up, the told me they’d also noticed the oil was low and had topped it up for me – to the tune of a £50 bill.
When I pointed out I could bought 2 litres for £20 and done it myself, thy suggested their was nothing they could do apart from drain the oil from the car to the level it was before – so that’s exactly what I made them do. If only fucking Twitter had existed back then.

Comment by northern

I have read that book and it’s awesome in a grade-A, anger inducing way … but even that isn’t as good as your Alfa Romeo story.

You know I have always adored you, but that story has – scarily for Mrs NP and Mrs Jill – made me fall in love with you. IN LOVE.

That is awesome … AWESOME.

Comment by Rob

A story you might like involves my Dad when a watch he bought for my Mum, stopped working.

Apparently he took it back to the store and they basically dissed him so he stood out the store and kept shouting – and I mean shouting – “DO NOT BUY ANYTHING FROM THIS STORE, THEY SELL YOU BAD PRODUCTS AND THEN TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY.”

Amazingly, instead of calling the police and saying there was a mad man outside, the manager rushed out – all smiles and compliments – and fixed the problem.

Proof the best way to deal with ineptitude is to let go of your self-conciousness and humiliate the bastards.

UPS, watch out.

Comment by Rob

This story makes me very happy, on a day I really need it. Thankyou

Comment by northern

Trust me, yours made me ecstatic.

Comment by Rob

That’s some of the worst customer service I have ever heard of. I hazard that if you’d seen your doctor before this you wouldn’t have needed anything…!

“When you don’t get your stuff cos our staff fucked it up, that’s logistics…”

Comment by Rob Mortimer (Not a fake Andy)

And whoever came up with that song needs a good kicking too.

Comment by Rob

It’s like someone watched an internal staff video and said “That’s IT!”

Comment by Rob Mortimer (Not a fake Andy)

i would take baseball bat and showed them who’s the man.

Comment by toto

Judging by this, the best solution would be to send EVERY person who works for UPS a parcel by UPS and watch the chaos.

Comment by Rob Mortimer (Not a fake Andy)

I admire your dads ‘shout in a shop; strategy.
I bought a birthday card for my wife today in Singapore (I’m that kind of guy). I stood at the till with the card in one hand and a $5 note in the other for about 3 minutes whilst the assistant absent mindedly filled a shelf, talked to her friend, answered the query of some fat woman who wandered in – and just generally acted as if I wasn’t there. she eventually wandered over (no apology or even acknowledgement) and rung up the card.
So I stood there in silence with the money in my hand. for a minute. without moving. (it seemed longer). she started to look really nervous. she asked if I wanted anything else. i said no. after another 30 seconds (it felt much longer) I handed her the cash. She looked relieved. I said ‘its really annoying standing waiting for no reason isn’t it’.
I really am a petty fucker. I need a hobby.
Maybe hitting a car repeatedly with a tree branch.
good luck with the parcel mate

Comment by Steve McG

look at all these petty bastards, almost makes me shed a tear of utter fucking pride. then i remember youre all on the shittest blog in blogsville and the teensy bit of fucking cred youve managed to muster all goes down the shitter like a planners powerpoint chart.

Comment by andy@cynic

im not singleing you out mcmacmc, its all of you fuckers. except mr c senior. he suffered enough with his son plus he could sue me in the blink of a bastard beady eye.

Comment by andy@cynic

I just searched google with “fuck your logistics” and here I am.

OP and comments make me feel vindicated in really hating UPS. And the song.

So, sorry about all the shit UPS has done to you, like lose your shit, treat you like shit, rape your pet goldfish, etc… but on the other hand, thanks for making me feel like I’m not the only person who hates this (psuedo) “logistics” crap.

Comment by Diz

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