The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Laughter Is The Best Anti-Aging Cream …
October 17, 2011, 6:20 am
Filed under: Comment

I am the antithesis of cool, calm and collected.

Despite being a pensioner by adland standards, I can sometimes appear to be very immature. Not by a 41 year olds standards, but by a 14 year olds.

One example was last week when I was skyping with my best friend Paul.

As many of you know, this man is like a brother to me.

We’ve known eachother since we were born, we have gone on all sorts of stupid adventures together and I’ve written lots of posts about how much I love him – of which a positive example is here and a slightly [read: very] dodgy example is here.

Anyway last week we were catching up on Skype.

It had been a while since we spoke so we had a lot to catch up on – however within 12 seconds, I knew he was the one with all the news and I was the person who was going to listen, and do my absolute level-best not to piss myself.

His first bit of ‘news’ was he was bitten.

Not by a dog.

Or a cat.

Or any animal for that matter … but by a human, if that’s what you can call an Iron Maiden fan.

On top of being a printer, Paul – all 6ft 5″ of him – is a bouncer.

Despite his imposing size, he’s softer than a labrador puppy … so I can just imagine his surprise when throwing out some old Iron Maiden fan from one of their gigs for being a nuisance, the guy turned around and bit deeply on Paul’s hand.

As he was telling me he has had to get tetanus jabs and AIDS tests, I am ashamed to say I was laughing aloud … but that was nothing compared to the next story he told me.

To cut a long story short, he was dropping off some garden waste at his local refuge centre.

To cut a short story even shorter, he somehow managed to lose his step while chucking his rubbish in and fell 16 feet into an empty skip … breaking 3 ribs and writhing in agony.

I know … I know … when a 6ft 5″ big bastard falls into a skip and breaks his ribs, I should be deeply concerned – and I was – but that didn’t stop me howling as I imagined him doing the most ungraceful flop [into a skip] in history!

But it gets better … or worse, depending on how you look at it.

You see the skip was so deep – and so empty – that Paul couldn’t pull himself out of it and to make matters worse, the refuge centre didn’t have a ladder to get him out.

So what did they do?

They called the fire brigade.


The best bit is that the man that called the emergency service was told that if all the engines were out on jobs, they’d have to call a Seaking air & sea rescue helicopter [like the one in the photo above] to winch him out.


I would literally have given anything to have some mammoth flying machine – usually used to pull people out from capsized boats in treacherous and freezing seas – fly over a rubbish dump and winch some tall bloke out of a skip, but alas, the fire brigade were available and with sirens blazing, they “rescued” the extremely embarrassed hard man bouncer from the skip dustbin.

Yes he was injured … yes he could have been seriously hurt … but that doesn’t stop the fact that I basically was 2 seconds away from becoming a baby again and wetting myself with laughter.

Don’t feel too sorry for him, he is a bit accident prone … don’t forget this is the man who chopped the end of his finger off with his lawn mower, broke his ankle TWICE trying to hurdle over some street railings, went on an Olympic toboggan run and almost fell off and recently stubbed his toe and fell so awkwardly on his sofa, he smashed his ribs in.

So to my beloved Paul, thank you for doing the stuff that makes me laugh like I’m a kid again, because given the age of the people I work with, most of the time I feel I should in an old folks home.

38 Comments so far
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This post made me smile for the first time in over a week. Thank to Paul.

Comment by Bazza

Good to see you back here Baz.

Comment by Pete

im coming to fucking see you soon. that will put a massive fucking smile on your face.

Comment by andy@cynic

Hello Baz. Good to have you back. Or at least pop in.

Comment by Rob


Comment by Pete

Can you settle an argument I’m having with myself Rob. Is Paul the secret love child of Mr Bean or Mr Magoo?

@Baz Hello.

Comment by DH

According to my girls, it’s Mr Bean but he is also the only one they have heard of.

Sorry for your discomfort Paul, but thank you for the experience. Hilarious.

Comment by Mary Bryant

I don’t know who magoo is. It must be from the last century when they didn’t have entertainment like the real housewives of new jersey. Rob’s favourite.

Comment by Billy Whizz

some pre teen kids have a fucking excuse, not some 30+ bloke who pretends hes fucking 12.

Comment by andy@cynic

Hello Mary, I am sure Paul will be ecstatic to know his accident has led to debate as to which ridiculous television character he resembles by 3 girls … of which 2 are under 10 years of age.

I know … I know … he started it.

Comment by Rob

My children are incredibly bright. They take after their mother.

Comment by George

“Sometimes” appear to be immature?

Comment by DH


Comment by Pete

+6 billion

Comment by The global population speaks

i like the fact he points out hes not cool calm and collected. thats like pointing out pamela anderson has a massive pair of tits.

Comment by andy@cynic

Now that’s a declaration.

Comment by DH

That’s what friends are for.

Comment by Ciaran McCabe

That’s what Rob Campbell is for. Hey, I’ve just discovered what Rob Campbell is for, do I win a prize?

Comment by Billy Whizz

thats like finding a new fucking planet. well done billy. no prize, but you can buy me a beer on saturday.

Comment by andy@cynic

In future Paul, I suggest you don’t share your misdeeds with Robert. It would be for your own good, if that is the appropriate turn of phrase to use in this instance.

Very funny, mainly because it did not happen to me.

Comment by Lee Hill

+1 for Paul.
-1 for the rest of us.

Comment by DH

+1 for Dave. What are you thinking putting ideas in Paul’s head like that Lee?

Comment by Billy Whizz

Paul for president. At least he fucks up in a funny way.

Comment by Billy Whizz

well fuck me, mr hill has gone and done it afuckingain. on the fucking brightside, he didnt break his horse cock so theres something for his wife to be happy about. is this fucking hereditary or something he has developed all on his fucking own? i just want to know if i should get the up coming baby boucher checked for fuckwitism even though i think the real reason hes so fucking accident prone is because he spent all his fucking early years with mayhem magnet, rob fucking campbell.

Comment by andy@cynic

You should have the next gen of Andy (Andrea?) checked for something called the rob virus.

Comment by DH

I don’t do accidents although I’ve probably broken a lot of things too (my best comical moment was falling into a puddle about twice my size). I do office stupid things; Rob M might pop round and tell you not to trust me with trays of sandwiches or happily tell you who manages to squirt hand sanitizer in the eye and break the kettle and tin opener on the first day.

I can try branching out but that wouldn’t be a good idea…suppose we’re too far away from Rob for this to pull a Paul

Comment by andrea

Oh nevermind, it’s too early, I just read that the totally wrong way. Lalalalalala. No one looks here. Good.

Comment by andrea

You do realise I can read your comments don’t you Dave?

Comment by Rob

havent you worked it out by now campbell? no one gives a fuck what you think.

Comment by andy@cynic

I can’t wait for Paul to read this … I’m sure he’ll be touched, after all, they say it’s the thought that counts and boy, have I been doing some thinking.

Comment by Rob

I.m sorry folks but i just cant see whats so fucking funny !!!!

Comment by Paul...AKA Mr Fucking Bean !!!!!

We are all lying in the skip but some of us are looking at weeks of pain from broken ribs.

Comment by Oscar

Yes Paul, we’re all insensitive bastard.

Including the little kids.

Comment by Rob


It’s nice to know Paul has accepted he’s Mr Bean … though I’m not sure if it’s because of the comments on this blog or this series of SMS’s I received from him today.


“Better not tell you what happened this weekend then !!!!”


“Promise you won’t laugh?”

[Stupid question but bless him for going through the motions]


“I was cutting the tops of some bushes but couldn’t be bothered to get the ladders so decided to stand on the wheelie bin !!! Needles to say I ended up sprawled out in the middle of the lawn with the electric hedge trimmers landing about 2 inches from my fingers !!!!”


“Funny thing is I did the exact same thing about 5 years ago!!”


“Don’t think gardening is my fortay”

The defence rests its case.

Comment by Rob

fuck me, eddie the fucking eagle was more coordinated than paul and he was a 4eyed twat. didnt have a horses cock though so its not all fucking bad news, unless he stubs his toe every time hes about to get romantic with the missus and ends up sleeping in the spare room with a fucking headache.

Comment by andy@cynic

[…] So spare a thought for Shelly on this painful day … and while you’re at it, wish a very happy, happy birthday to the boy who somehow always ends up having his special day on a weekend and always ends up getting himself into some potential medical disaster. […]

Pingback by Spare A Thought For Shelly … | The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

[…] some of that is because Paul has done some momentously stupid things that makes me cry with laughter … and some of it might be that we have a lifetime of memories […]

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