The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

OK, so you’re both Italian. You’re both fucking overpriced. You’re both about sparkles … but it’s still a load of fucking pants.

I always considered you a brand that is upmarket but still grounded.

Yes, I know that’s an oxymoron, but that’s what you meant to me.

Apart from the fact that when served cold, you literally quenched my thirst unlike anything else – little razor blades that, ironically, slipped down my throat leaving me to smack my lips in refreshed delight – you had this ability to add a bit of glamour to a shitty sandwich or a bit of an anchor to a more poncey meal out.

You kept things real. You were real. You just seemed to go about what you do without any fuss or fanfare.

Gentle. Natural. Inclusive.

And now you go and fuck it all up by doing some bullshit joint promotion with Bvlgari. [Who weirdly, spell their name on their website BULGARI!!!]

Do you honestly think this will benefit you?

Why the hell would associating with a fucking jewelry company benefit you.

You don’t need to go ‘upmarket’, your fucking price guarantees that.

And what does Bvlgari get out of it?

Are you helping them reach out to a broader audience to say “we’re upmarket but not as pricey as you might think?”

I don’t fucking think so.

Hell, I’m half Italian and I’m still not buying into it.

Not only has this joint promotion made me actually dislike your brand a little bit, you’ve made me question how much I pay for your fizzy H2O … and while you might think you can sit pretty because you know you provide me with lip-smacking-refreshment like no one else, the fact is I don’t want to be seen drinking – let alone paying – for something that is linked to pretentious bollocks.

You’re not worried are you?

Not even a teensy bit.

I know why … because you think if anyone gets this pissed off over a bloody joint promotion, they must really give a shit about your brand.

Well the bad news for you is I’m a bitter and twisted bastard who thinks and acts this way over everything so don’t get too smug thinking my love for your beautifully crafted, perfectly clear, immaculately formed bubbles … packed full with icy-cold, tingling refreshment that bounce excitedly up and down on my tongue before jumping down my throat, giving me sharp little kisses all the way down … will be enough to stop me turning my back on you once and for all.

Ahem.

Look, just sort yourselves out or I’ll stop having my little flings with you behind Ms Diet Coke’s [ice, no lemon] back.

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UPDATE:

I’ve found out the joint promotion is because both brands are celebrating their 125th anniversary and the bottle is supposed to be a ‘special edition’.

Apart from the fact it looks very much like every other fucking bottle of theirs I’ve drunk out of and I don’t really give a flying fuck their ‘special label’ features some gems casually thrown around the sides – the fact they don’t say it’s their joint anniversary anywhere on the label [at least, not that I saw] makes it a doubly stupid decision.