The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

It’s Monday, So Why Don’t We Start The Week With Finding Out How Much Of A Failure You Really Are …
August 29, 2011, 6:15 am
Filed under: Comment

For reasons I don’t even want to go into, I have written up a test that appeared on Oprah “God Complex” Winfrey’s show a while back.

It was performed by that [allegedly] sick, sexist quack – Dr. Phil – which automatically means it was designed to be [1] complete and utter bollocks and [2] appealing to bored, middle American married women who have nothing going on in their lives other than to sing along to Gloria Gaynor songs.

Apparently Dr. Phil scored 55 [quelle fucking surprise!] and the yo-yo dieter got 38 … I, on the other hand, got 41, which both scares the living bejesus out of me because it probably means I’m a fucking egomaniac cockhead [no comments please] as well as pleases me because it means I’m ‘3 better’ than that bloody woman off the telly.

Hang on, according to the ‘score chart’, it says I’m “sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head” … which means I’ve already proved this test is a load of bollocks.

Anyway, there are 10 questions, so find out if you’re a social leper, a social climber or a social psychopath but remember that:

1. Evaluating your own behaviour is like asking a criminal to decide whether he’s guilty or innocent.

2. If you are general enough – yet use highly descriptive language – you can make anything seem relevant. [Classic manipulative/amateur planner ploy]

3. If you believe these sorts of tests it highlights you’re the sort of planner who looks for convenient “answers”, rather than doing any real fucking legwork to find out what’s really going in people’s lives and minds in the real World.

4. If you believe these sorts of tests, it says more about who you are than anything these tests could ever prove.

Anyway, enough of all that … ready to play?

Good. Then we will begin …

1. When do you feel your best …

A) in the morning

B) during the afternoon and early evening

C) late at night

2. You usually walk …

A) fairly fast, with long steps

B) fairly fast, with little steps

C) less fast head up, looking the world in the face

D) less fast, head down

E) very slowly

3. When talking to people you …

A) stand with your arms folded

B) have your hands clasped

C) have one or both your hands on your hips

D) touch or push the person to whom you are talking

E) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with …

A) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side

B) your legs crossed

C) your legs stretched out or straight

D) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with…

A) big appreciated laugh

B) a laugh, but not a loud one

C) a quiet chuckle

D) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you …

A) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you

B) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know

C) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You’re working very hard, concentrating hard, and you’re interrupted …

A) welcome the break

B) feel extremely irritated

C) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most …

A) Red or orange

B) black

C) yellow or light blue

D) green

E) dark blue or purple

F) white

G) brown or gray

9. When you’re in bed, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are …

A) stretched out on your back

B) stretched out face down on your stomach

C) on your side, slightly curled

D) with your head on one arm

E) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are …

A) falling

B) fighting or struggling

C) searching for something or somebody

D) flying or floating

E) you usually have dreamless sleep

F) your dreams are always pleasant



1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e ) 1

10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

Others see you as someone they should “handle with care.” You’re seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don’t always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you. You probably have at least 2 ex-wives and complain about planners. A lot.

51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality, a natural leader, who’s quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once, someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting, someone who’s constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding, someone who’ll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who’s extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you, realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

People think you’re shy, nervous and indecisive – someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn’t want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don’t exist. Some people think you’re boring. Only those who know you well, know you aren’t. You probably also go by the name of Billy. And have lots of tatts. Lots of tatts.

35 Comments so far
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I scored 6 but that’s because I only answered one question. By the score system, that might make me a psychopath but it also makes me fucking smart. I hate Dr Phil.

Nice libel in the score review. It didn’t go unnoticed but I’m no Billy.

Comment by DH

It’s nonsense. I scored 45 which equates to something I doubt people see meas and worse still puts me in the same grouping as you.

Comment by west ham 4 notingham forest 1

at least every fucker knows forest are shit, what about arse nal and their 8-2 drubbing by the mancs. thats suicide inducing right fucking there.

Comment by andy@cynic

so youre the same as campbell. ok 4 points better but still the fucking same. kill yourself now and be done with it.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’d like to thank Wenger for taking the heat off my teams abysmal performance by losing so comprehensively.

Excellent work.

Comment by Rob

It’s a compliment to be given the lowest rating by joke dr phil and bad planner rob. Means I’m doing something right.

Comment by Billy Whizz

yeah im fucking fine after the fake fucking hurricane. thanks for asking. cocks.

Comment by andy@cynic

all the fucking cable channels look like bigger fucking twats than usual. they were hyping the storm up like a fucking hollywood disaster blockbuster but blackpool has bigger fucking wind and rain in summer than the yahks had this weekend.

Comment by andy@cynic

quoting dr fucking fucked up phil is a new low even for you campbell. and i saw your fucking pathetic attempt to bring me down. twat. for the record i got top marks like i do in everyfuckingthing i do. 64. that means im a fucking genius and anybody that thinks differently can fuck right off.

Comment by andy@cynic

im guessing i got 64, if you think im as sad as doddsy to do the fucking quiz, youre in need of more fucking help than i thought you were.

Comment by andy@cynic

You think I actually did it? I just dreamed up a result and justified it – that’s what you do on planning blogs.

Comment by west ham 4 notingham forest 1

Boom Tish.

Comment by Rob

the “are you a twat” quiz.

1. when do you feel your best …

a) in the morning

b) during the afternoon and early evening

c) late at night

d) whenever youre nowhere near this fucking blog

a = 1 b = 2 c = 3 d = 4

2. you walk fast when.

a) youre late for a meeting

b) in need of a piss

c) heading to the pub

d) checking out a decent pair of tits.

a = 1 b = 2 c = 3 d = 4

3. you think planners should be.

a) celebrated

b) castrated

c) destroyed in the most humiliating and painful of ways.

d) b & c

a = 1 b = 2 c = 3 d = 4

now add up your overall score and check it off on the highly fucking mathematical rating system below. designed by nasa scientists and a solar calculator.

3 points or less = you deserve to be murdered. by peter sutcliffe. at night. begging for fucking mercy.

4-6 points = kill yourself.

7-9 points = you need a few smacks around the fucking head but you might just be fucking ok.

10-12 points = you can buy me a drink.

12 points or more = you work for fucking enron accounts dept.

Comment by andy@cynic

Best. Quiz. Ever.

Comment by Billy Whizz

I scored 0. How is that possible?

Comment by Rob


Comment by Rob Mortimer

Thank you for destroying my Monday Morning Rob. I going to kill my self now!

Comment by swati


Comment by Rob

I would like to know the reason rob.
Why did you answer the test?

However, can we talk about Cosmopolitan test topics please.

Do You Look for the Right Traits in a Guy?

Is He Devoted to You?

Are You in Love or Forcing It?

What’s His Intimacy IQ?

Comment by jim

Hi Jim … I did it because I love this sort of thing, not in a “oh my god, Dr Phil is so insightful” kind of a way, but in a “oh my god, how generic can these tests get” kind of a way. Though the ones that are the pinnacle of bollocks are those medical ad type of ones which always guarantees, regardless how you answer, that you need the medication the company is flogging. There’s amazing skill in being able to always get to the same answer, regardless of how positive or negative you are with your responses.

As for the Cosmo magazine quizzes, they’re the best of all … though they should just name them, “Desperate, Dateless Or Low Self Esteem” because that’s what they tend to be finding out.

Comment by Rob

I got 42 , shit thats really close to your score of 41. i’m doomed, I guess 🙂

Comment by Bhaskar

Seek medical help immediately. And not from Dr Phil!

Comment by Rob

It’s treatable ? hmmm

Comment by Bhaskar

I scored 48. I’d like to write a witty comment but it’s the afternoon and I’m not feeling at my best. I might just stretch my legs out, relax and wait for someone to interrupt me. Then I’ll flip a coin and decided whether to be irritated or welcome the interruption.

Comment by Willem van der Horst

I scored 37 and that description is exactly how i see myself. The description about you i think is also correct.I am sad to say so, but this test is a good one :]

Comment by TOTOinTrouble (@TOTOinTrouble)

I honestly think Adolf Hitler would probably score 40 … which highlights my point, these ‘tests’ are designed to do nothing more than lull people in to a false sense of either security, or insecurity and say more about the people who create them than do them. But it says a shitload about them as well, ha!

Comment by Rob

I get your point and I’m not saying tests like these should be taken serious, not at all. It can’t draw a whole picture of person’s characteristic. It’s just that this one surprisingly correctly described my behaviour towards friends. And the description about you is also very similar to how i see you.

Comment by TOTOinTrouble (@TOTOinTrouble)

I think that might be because you’ve not met me, if you were to ask those who have – they might have a very different point of view.

Comment by Rob

There is one friend of yours who always call you a twat, wanker, bastard, uses other funny as hell words. Should i listen to him ? I don’t think so. let’s stay where we are.

Comment by TOTOinTrouble (@TOTOinTrouble)

ive known the fucker for 22 years, i think im perfectly placed to call him a planning twat. hes alright or a planning twat, but hes still a planning twat.

Comment by andy@cynic

22 years! You deserve a medal.

Comment by west ham 4 notingham forest 1

hands off

Comment by TOTOinTrouble (@TOTOinTrouble)

fuck medals, i need my head testing or caved fucking in.

Comment by andy@cynic

The number of choices for 5 does not tally.

Comment by denial

You win a prize for observation, but get it taken away for approaching it with such diligence, ha!

Comment by Rob

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