The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Home Is Where The Wife Is …
November 12, 2010, 6:35 am
Filed under: Comment

So after a really great time in Amsterdam – including meeting “virtual friends” like Heather & Matthew in the real World – today [in the China sense of the word] I fly home.

For the first time ever, I have broken the 5 day rule that my wife and I put in place when we first started going out.

Mind you, she broke it first with her trip to Australia, so now we’re even, ha.

Seeing my Mum was very special – as was catching up with my friends – but now I’m ready to go back and be with the person who makes me feel ‘me’.

It’s quite weird because when Jill first started sleeping over, I found her presence in my bed strange.

Not because it was weird a babe was in my bed – oh no, I had millions of them, cough cough splutter splutter – but because I had got used to having tons of space and suddenly there was someone there who was taking up half of it.

Worse, she seemed to really like me so kept coming over to my side to be closer – which might sound very nice – but made me feel a prisoner in my own bed.

Zoom forward 6 or 7 years and I can’t sleep properly without her by my side.

She can do an all out invasion on my side of the bed and yet I still prefer that to her not being there.

The feeling of her there is a wonderful feeling – it makes me feel safe, settled and loved and as we grow older together, I realise so many of the things I like most in my life revolve around her.

My favourite sound in the World is her infectious giggle.

My favourite sight in the World is seeing her by my side when I wake up.

My favourite time in the World is when we just are hanging out together – even if we’re doing nothing.

Even the things she does that annoy the crap out of me, I love.

Well I do when I’ve not seen her for a while.

Her obsession with period dramas … her devil-may-care attitude towards tidiness … her ability to wash 3 dishes and feel good about it, even though there’s loads to do … her love of Elvis … the list goes on and on.

And on.

And on and on.

Anyway, to quote W H Auden, she is my North, South, East & West and though I make sure I tell her every day, I want to say publically that I love you honey and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.

[You can all be sick now]

51 Comments so far
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what the fuck?

first of all campbell, the fact you could get pissed off a woman so out of your league you need binoculars to see her is encroaching your side of the bed is a fucking crime against masculinity. sure youre about as manly as the fucking tooth fairy but you work on old spice so you should have some bollocks to write home about.

secondly this post is so fucking sickly sweet that it could make coca fucking cola look like toothpaste. whats even more fucking amazing is i know the only reason you are writing this is because you miss her. youve not done anything wrong. youve not had an argument. you fucking miss your wife and have written the sort of fucking cupid wank that makes chicks around the world swoon. well as long as they dont see your fucking face.

and what about jill? do you think she feels the same way? the fucking sad fact is she probably does which makes me positively absolutely totally fucking sick.

i tell you something though campbell, when jill finally comes to her fucking senses or stops her research experiment (which we all think she is doing) youre going to look a right sappy fuck for writing this mills & boon fucking bollocks arent you.

god i hate happily married first marriage people.

Comment by andy@cynic

It made me swoon.

Jemma xxx

Comment by Jemma King

gullible bitch.

but youre my gullible bitch.

Comment by andy@cynic

I am then gullible too Andy. This is a lovely message Robert. I hope you are both well.

Comment by Katerina

youre engaged to a russian fucking hitman k, you can say whatever the fuck you like and im not going to judge.

Comment by andy@cynic

Is this what you write when you’ve bought a dalek?

Comment by Billy Whizz

good call billy though if it is, its a small fucking price to pay.

Comment by andy@cynic

Really? Isn’t it made of plastic and painted egg cartons.

Comment by Billy Whizz

another fucking good call. who are you and what the fuck have you done with billy.

Comment by andy@cynic

I do admire how you can articulate your feelings so openly and freely but please stop or every wife may start wanting them.

Comment by George

this is what happens when you dont throw him out the window when you have the chance.

Comment by andy@cynic

I used to think that mine used to come closer because he loved me too, but truth was it was to push or kick me out of bed really. Every single night. Blames it on the sleep pattern. And on top, he even tells me he’s looking forward to it and I have to say “yes, me too!”

I compensate by being a total child and my other favourite hobby, ruining his cereals by taking the bag out of the box.

And they say you should look forward to married life as the happiest years of your life…I’m terrified sometimes.

Comment by andrea

be terrified. be very fucking terrified.

Comment by andy@cynic

I can look forward to 5-10 more years of living in terror. Growing with each girl I ever went to school with getting married.

Comment by andrea

does he know youve just promoted to the fucking blog world hes not good enough to be your official man for ten fucking years? think of the tax benefits before you put timelines down.

Comment by andy@cynic

From 21, the world looks slightly different

Comment by andreea

If I had someone as hot as Jill looks in that photo, I’d want to come home as quickly as possible too. But if I was Jill and knew Rob was about to come back, I’d tell him to extend his trip for a little while. Like 5 years.

Comment by DH

Yes I do George.

Comment by Mary Bryant

sucked fucking in george. sucked fucking in.

Comment by andy@cynic

You have every right to demand that from your husband Mary. Don’t stop till you get it, that’s my advice.

Comment by Billy Whizz

I’ve just vomited my spleen.

Comment by DH

thats reassuring to know because your first comment was much to fucking nice.

Comment by andy@cynic

haha, I just forwarded this post to Catherine because since moving in together I’ve been forced to learn how to sleep hanging on for dear life to the edge of the bed as she takes over.

awesomely honest post, mate.

Comment by Age

they start with the bed and they end with your fucking livelihood.

Comment by andy@cynic

fuck me this lovely shit is spreading.

the wifes just told me shes taking me for a weekend away and were leaving in an hour. note shes taking me away. she knows which side her breads fucking buttered but that didnt stop her from demanding i blow a fuckload of my hard earned on a fucking woodworm magnet in canadas answer to deliverance country.

so there you fucking have it, love is officially all afuckinground and im off for a weekend of being treated like a fucking prince. bye bitches.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’m guessing furniture shopping in all those quaint expensive upstate shops.

Comment by John

that would be a more novel way to be told im about to be fucking divorced.

Comment by andy@cynic

And when you return I’ll tell you all about my night of listening to five creative directors opining on the future of advertising with copious references to art and fun!

Comment by John

was it a fucking comedy?

Comment by andy@cynic

did you buy their book John?

Comment by rafik

Enjoy the British Airways experience Robert. I’m sure you’ll be returned to Jill feeling the same level of compassion and love that you had before take off.

Comment by Lee Hill

couldnt of said it better myself. well i could but i dont want to dry up the wishing well.

Comment by andy@cynic

Well I’m not happy about it either Lee – but if you had more seats available it wouldn’t of happened so really it’s all your fault isn’t it. Ahem.

Comment by Rob

Why is Jill doing the washing up? Well I know why because she’s a chick but I thought you were a modern man above gender stereotypes.

To give her a break no one can be as anal, I mean tidy, as you so in that list of complaints, only the period drama stacks up. That’s a major offense though, especially if Die Hard’s on the other channel.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Guessing you’re still single Billy.

Comment by DH

Rhetorical question …

Comment by Rob

I should of known that the comments I’d get to this post would be a mixture of nice [women] and evil [men] but I’m about to endure a day and a half of door-to-door travel. I don’t care.

Besides, by doing this, when I do finally get home, my wife will be so happy to have me back that she won’t notice just how many DVD’s I’ve bought – which trust me, is way too many to be classified as just a couple of ‘casual purchases’.

Best bit of planning I’ve done …

PS: Some of the comments on this post are bloody fantastic – classic stuff, even if it’s taking the piss out of me, though the stuff that isn’t somehow feels better, ha.

Comment by Rob

well said. and having recently returned from 10 days of difficult traveling, I definitely understand that sensation of feeling un-whole whilst separated from the fam.

i smile to think of your return to the home base…

was nice to see you in amsterdam!

Comment by katiedreke

oh meow. this post made me go all gooey and almost vomit at the same time – that’s quite a skill you have there, you big marshmallow…

enjoy home-time.

jill – you’ve got a few hours left – i recommend madame bovary with frances o’connor.

Comment by lauren

Awww Rob. Just – awwww. Lucky Jill. (how on earth did you have the complete lack of care about what people think to blog about it so publicly – hats off to you!)

Comment by Anjali Ramachandran

oh jeeeeeez. clearly this was written in a darkened room under pillows with glossy eyes. wow guy wow. dont try to cover your tracks about it being a preemptive strike, that was pure honest to goodness dew drop mush. MUSH.

(dont mind me while i click instapaper and save this to a new folder called “when I have feelings again: to do”)

so yea, barf barf barf keep it in your head or your pants but off the blog! bring back the sarcasm you big ninny!

Comment by roli

Big softy
‘The things she does that annoy the crap out of me’Incidentally, I think it’s people’s imperfections that make people love them
I’d love to know what you do that annoy Jill (bet her list is longer than yours), apart from buying too many DVD’s.

Comment by northern

What did you buy/sell/say that needed this kind of sucking up?

It’s another Jillyism isn’t it…?

Sweet though.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Pls DO ask her to pack you some socks next time you visit Amsterdam in November. Now see? I can be polite! Even though I’m Dutch, the Chinese of Europe. Because I also could have said that she should pack proper shoes for you, so you don’t look like a homeless bum walking around my town with your blue toes sticking out of your Birkies. In November. Silly man. Silly man from British Isles.

Comment by truuskie

I have good news for everyone.

But me.

For Lee:
The BA flight from Amsterdam to London was 3 hours late (they blamed it on Amsterdam’s “inclimate weather” which I’d fair, because it was lovely and bright) so I missed my plane to Shanghai so I’m currently writing this in Terminal 5, waiting for my flight to MUNICH (!!!) so I can then fly to Shanghai. 15 hours later than planned. And don’t say “that’ll teach you” because I didn’t want to fly with the bastards in the first place and your mob was full.

(Bet it wouldn’t be full for George!)

To Jill:
She gets almost another day of peace from me. Plus 15 hours to clean up her mess from 10 days of no doubt ‘slob living’.

To the people who were sick reading this post:
I’m now a bubbling cauldron of hate so there won’t be any more posts like this for a long time.

To the people I saw in Amsterdam:
I’m not in your country anymore – but I did love seeing you all, even Truuski who said I “looked like a tramp”. Loudly. In the streets.

To the people who liked this post:
I lied, there’s no good news for you.

So there you have it, conclusive proof you should never fly BA (and always VA – isn’t that right Lee) and that even when I’m being nice, “hate” is just under the surface.

Thank you and goodnight.

Comment by Rob

oh pet. well, i hope the british airways puts you up in a nice hotel that has the best burger you’ve ever tasted in your life.

Comment by lauren

Guess what, BA fucked up again and now I’m in Paris heading to HK and then hopefully Shanghai – with only 7 hours in lounge limbo in-between. I don’t know how he did it, but I swear to god Andy had something to do with it.

Comment by Rob


Not left Paris yet. Almost did but the plane has a suspected stowaway on board (no, that’s not a joke) so everyone has had to get off so the Police can search it.

Means I’ve missed another connecting flight and have spent 12 hours on planes only to end up further away than where I started.  

Will I ever get home? Not if BA have their way it seems. 

Worst/most interesting/longest trip ever.

Comment by Rob

But is it yielding any insights?

Comment by John

Yes … I hate BA … even more so when I found on arrival in Shanghai [finally] that [1] my phone had been stolen while I was asleep and [2] my luggage had been left in Paris.

Comment by Rob

my worst experience was when my luggage did come along but someone had tried really hard to open it with a crowbar. it has loads of scratches on but still lives on. on my mum’s they managed to destroy 1 of the 3 locks but we all swear by samsonite…so the airline bought her a new suitcase altogether. worst offenders are KLM (lost suitcases and put me on a diet giving me one biscuit for a fairly long flight), Air Italia (forgetting to offer us food vouchers when I was stuck in T5 for 21 hours), BA (overbooked a few flights I was meant to be on).

I may ask for some druids to do a naked dance under palm trees next year when I fly to Phnnom Penh and pray that at least my insect spray makes it. If not anything else…

Comment by andrea

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