The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Someone Needs To Tell The Australian Tourism Board They’re Smoking Crack … And I’m That Person.
October 22, 2010, 6:10 am
Filed under: Comment

So Oprah is coming to Australia.

Of course she’s coming because she’s been paid a fuckload of money to do so … but she’s still coming.

There’s a load of hooplah surrounding this trip, not least because she’s bringing 300 of her ‘fans’ to see her being sycophantic with the likes of Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman.

Whilst I actually think bringing someone like Oprah to this side of the World is a great idea [one I actually proposed to a company in Malaysia, however they decided doing some shit ads was a better waste of their money] there are a couple of things that are being done that I think has the potential to fuck up the numerous benefits.

First of all, read this …

As I said, I think bringing Oprah over is a good idea, even though I think it would be far more beneficial if she went to less well known places than Oz [places that Americans have a more natural inbuilt prejudice towards] … especially when the land down under is becoming more and more like LA – all be it with some better natural surroundings & wildlife, at least in Sydney – by the day.

However there are 3 things that I think, if mishandled, have the power to fuck all Australian Tourism’s carefully laid plans.

1/ Tourism Australia’s belief this visit vindicates supporting Baz Luhrmann’s flop, “Australia”.
2/ The image Oz wants to present versus the image the World wants to see.
3/ The backlash towards brands who sell their soul for the Yankee exposure.

Let’s start with number 1.

To be fair, maybe this point is inaccurate as I’m basing it off the article above – an article that appeared in the Sydney Morning Herald, a newspaper so myopic in celebrating anything positive to do with Australia, that you could argue it was created by the Aussie Government to keep their people brainwashed into thinking they are the super-race.

Anyway, if true, there’s a huge amount the fuck-up fairy could come and screw up.

The article states:


Errrrm yes you can, because the Aussie Government – and god knows who else – are paying for her to come, it’s not like she did it of her own accord. What it should say is …


… however that’s nothing, because the article continues to say:


What the hell are they going on about?

As I said in the point above, the movie didn’t inspire shit – that pile of crap came out ages ago and so if it was going to have inspired visitation, we’d of seen that long before now – what inspired Oprah & her ‘audience’ to go to Oz is a big whopping payment to the Queen of Sychophant and a free Qantas holiday to 300 parasites.

That’s like claiming the cars Oprah gave away a few years ago wasn’t an [expensive] publicity stunt, but vindication for a car company to stick with their ‘hideous car design principals’.

Absolute bollocks … almost as absolute bollocks as Mr Closet Travolta being a Qantas ambassador, but I’ll save that for another day – even though he’s supposedly going to be the pilot of the plane bringing all the Oprah crew and audience to Oz!!!

Which leads to my next point – though it’s number 3 of the list above, not number 2. [You can’t call me predictable, oh no!]

Is anyone else a bit fucking pissy that QANTAS can justify flying over a plane load of over-excited, middle American soccer Moms for free yet charges their everyday passengers a fuckload of cash for a shit experience?

You just know the plane they’ll be flying the lardyarse Yankee ladies in will be brand new, with a flight crew that’s made up of the most glam flight attendants they could muster [which will be hard, given in my experience it is almost universally staffed by over 60’s with a bad attitude] serving a range of cuisine that doesn’t resemble the ‘beef or chicken’ mush the rest of us have to contend with in the slightest.

Personally I’d love the Aussie media to pick up on this point but there’s more chance of Osama singing George W’s praises so I guess I’ll just have to leave it with the cynical fucks who read this blog.

But here’s the biggest possible shitfight …

What Australian Tourism is keen to promote doesn’t marry with what foreigners want to see.

I’ve written about this point before, but as much as Australia wants to present itself to the World as a modern, dynamic, innovative country [even though the movie they decided was worth investing millions of tax payers dollars in – including my bloody tax dollars – shows it as a fucking dust bowl] the reality is the rest of the World goes to Australia to see sun, beaches, kangaroos, koalas and a few iconic buildings/natural sights [ie: Paul Hogan] and so if the guys at Tourism Australia insist on pushing their ego agenda, they might just find the visit of Oprah might do more damage to their business than even their beloved Baz Luhrmann film because let’s face it, the last thing American’s want to visit on holiday is the sort of place they drive through each day on their way to work.

Expanding a stereotypical view is one thing, throwing it out and replacing it with unwanted, undesirable images is another.

50 Comments so far
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fuck me campbell, another top kicking. ok so its at an easy fucking target with the aussie twats and the god complex bitch but i cant take away its a good smashing.

i even found myself nodding in agreement at your arsenic laced bastard comments but then you are taking the piss out of a government department which is like beating a quadruple amputee at fucking boxing.

the old you is back. makes me happy but wieden must be shitting themselves.

Comment by andy@cynic

Surprised to see Travolta holding a ball. Normally they’re bouncing off his chin.

Comment by DH


Comment by lauren

+1 gold

Comment by Age

What’s Australia?

Comment by Billy Whizz

a country near germany.

Comment by lauren

Won’t be going there then.

Comment by Billy Whizz

i’m too tired to be constructive or coherent, so it’s a bit blunt. i’m in general agreement with you. but i have some to add and a couple of things i disagree with you on too.

– qantas can afford to bring over 300 fucking soccer mums but can’t do anything about asylum seekers wanting a better life (yes, or improve its regular service).

– oh, but i think having over 60s flight attendants is fine – if they actually had over 60s flight attendants. being a hot blonde doesn’t necessarily give you a better attitude.

– it’s not just the waste of money, but it continues to culturally position as australia, as an extension of american middle-class schmaltz. ref: dumb blonde article from last time. the only reason they’re investing in this shit is because our dollar hit parity and we’re no longer the cheap date we used to be.

– and speaking of dollars, please don’t pull the ‘my tax dollars’ thing like the rest of australia. it’s that kind of self-centeredness that gets us into this mess in the first place (i know you’re not self-centered, it’s just that australians act like they’re the only ones in the world who pay tax and that they personally should get direct benefit).

– as the only african-amercian billionaire, i see that she’s just gonna hang with more rich whities. no grass-roots help for indigenous population? she wants to go hang in the dustbowl? how about living with a community of nunga girls in the desert who have preventable hearing disease but can’t afford the $250 treatment.

– australia already has an excellent tourism team: its own citizens. invest in them, motherfuckers.

Comment by lauren

oh, and more followers on twitter doth not a guru make.

Comment by lauren

this is fucking awesome ranting lauren. well fucking done. still not making their claims sound creible but good fucking try.

Comment by andy@cynic

Now that is some bloody sense.

Comment by Soumei

Hi there Soumei, lovely to have you pop by. Anyone who compliments Andy is the sort of individual who should be either commenting on this blog or in prison.

Welcome to the blog.

Comment by Rob

I agree with every word of this post. I hope they stay in Sydney – preferably near the CBD and Bondi/Manly and get the artificial bullshit they’re prob expecting.


Comment by Age

actually, i’ve decided that age has it right on. give them their expensive toy for a while, cultivate another distorted image of what we’re about and we can enjoy the next 50 years under the radar, working hard to make a better one.

Comment by lauren

Like you say Robert, bringing Oprah is a wonderful idea but the justifications behind it are terrible and undermines the tourism departments credibility.

I agree with Lauren that the best advocates for the country are its people. Didn’t you say a similar thing with Singapore and suggest the Government pay for their students to go backpacking or something like that?

Anyway this is a highly entertaining post to read, anger truly is your energy.

Comment by Pete

I must admit the comments I’ve found this morning are rather pleasing, hahaha.

Good memory about Singapore – except it wasn’t for tourism purposes [they’re pretty fucking good at that] … I said that rather than do national service, they should make their people go backpacking for a year so it would stop the people being so insular and driven by fear/demands – but given that is how the Government get their way so easily, I don’t think I should hold my breath to see it happen.

Comment by Rob

Genius. What was their reaction?

Comment by Age

The usual. Very polite, thanked me for my thoughts then ran away.

Comment by Rob

Oh, and I find it interesting that John Travolta is the Qantas ambassador given – as far as I have been able to find out – he has no connection to the country whatsoever. OK, so there’s lots of brands like that, but Australia [or should I say Australian media] love to highlight tenuous connections to celebrities because it makes them feel more special and connected.

Case in point?

Cameron Diaz spent a few months living in The Cross, an area in Sydney, before she was famous and hey presto – whenever she was in the press, she was referred to as “our Cameron”.

He might of been good in some movies … he might of experienced the sort of tragedy that no one should have to experience … but that aside, I can’t stand him and for that, Dave’s “balls on the chin” comment wins him a prize.

Yep, I’m sending you a copy of Travolta’s self funded movie nightmare about scientology: Battlefield Earth.

Comment by Rob

That’s bad movie porn. Great.

Comment by DH

If the best advocates for a country are the people then Australia is fucked

Melbourne people are a good bunch though, if sports obsession isn’t too annoying.

Comment by Charles

I’ve only ever met 1 Australian Charles. She was intelligent, charming, open and funny.

I have, on the other hand seen large groups of Australians vomiting and shitting themselves at the Oktoberfest. Most unpleasant but at least they were vomiting and shitting themselves with the British, Americans and Italians.

Comment by The Kaiser

Actually I have met two. They were both women and intelligent, charming, open and funny.

Comment by The Kaiser

They must be the ones who had relatives that England sent over …

Comment by Rob

Its all a question of how you define the purpose of tourism – it’s should be about entertaining paying customers, but governments too often bundle it up with business promotion and ego massaging.

Good post – still too long and meandering, but you’re showing promise.

Comment by John

LOST. One six figure salary that I supposedly warrant. If found, please return to its rightful owner.

Comment by John

What currency is this 6 figure salary supposedly in? If it’s Vietnamese dong, I have that in my wallet for you right now.

And stop complimenting me, that’s very, VERY scary.

Comment by Rob

It was suggested by your commenter yesterday so Im in the dark.

That you have dong in your wallet is however no surprise.

Comment by John

I have a great big dong.

That doesn’t really work when it’s in my wallet does it.

Comment by Rob

The yanks have every right to make th Australians suffer, they gave them Mel Gibson

Comment by northern

Mel Gibson IS a Yank. Another example of Australia claiming someone they shouldn’t in a desperate attempt to feel validity in the wider World.

[That was just for you Lauren]

Comment by Rob

mel gibson is much more watchable these fucking days.

Comment by andy@cynic

um, i’m going to be fickle here.

as much as mel has gone completely off the deeps, and we are terrible at claiming territory of anyone who has ever spent time there (watch out rob, you still own property there – that’s asking for it…) can you forgive us for wanting to claim a guy who called himself australian, spoke with a proper australian accent for the longest time and was part of iconic films that still dictate australian character these days? maybe?

ok, go ahead, slaughter me…

Comment by lauren

lets be fucking honest here lauren, even if campbell owned all of fucking australia, spoke with that fucking annoying upward intonation accent of yours and (total fucking fantasy land here) was the an international film star, you convict fuckers still wouldnt want to claim him would you.

Comment by andy@cynic

what are you doing writing comments at this time campbell? 2/1 jill is away and youre being a sad fuck.

Comment by andy@cynic

Yep, I am being a sad fuck … got a videocon with the W+K kingdom. Naturally I have brought a mask to wear through the whole thing. And no, I’m not joking. [But will they even notice?]

What scares me is that Jill IS away.

Actually what scares me more is that you knew that because she’s with you.

Comment by Rob

call me fucking yoda.

and the answer to your question is no. they wont even fucking realise youre there even with you butting in every 2nd fucking word.

Comment by andy@cynic

please tell me the mask is a dan wieden mask..

Comment by lauren

probably sorrell.

Comment by andy@cynic

Nah, SIR Sorrell to you
And anyway, it will probably be Wayne Rooney

Comment by northern

hes on the phone to the w+k masses so hell choose something that will offend on mass and as fucking ugly as rooney is, hes going to have the fuckers in portland scratching their head more than hiding behind the sofa.

Comment by andy@cynic

Plus ca change

Comment by northern

It wasn’t Sorrell, Rooney or Wieden … but it was still kinda inappropriate.

Can’t say more, because I’ve just convinced the powers-that-be that the inappropriate person in question should be paid a shitload of money to be flown to a meeting in Amsterdam and talk to a client on our behalf, despite the fact he is quite possibly the most unlikely person you’d ever expect an ad agency to call upon in the history of advertising.

This makes me happy. What an idiot I am.

Comment by Rob

keanu reeves

Comment by lauren

osama bin laden

Comment by lauren

tiger woods [not that he needs anymore money, mind]

Comment by lauren

juan cabral

Comment by lauren

anyone other than the pope or some hardcore gang bang specialist and youre a fucking lightweight.

Comment by andy@cynic

Funnily enough, the pope is actually closer than you think …

Comment by Rob

[…] To be honest, there’s very few categories that do it worse. […]

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