The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

Robert 1 IKEA 0
January 21, 2010, 6:28 am
Filed under: Comment

So a while back we bought a lumping great leather couch from IKEA.

Even though it’s the size of a small country and totally ridiculous – we liked it and could afford it – so we coughed up the cash and took it home.

Anyway a few weeks later – while bending down to reach a toy my stupid cat wanted but couldn’t be arsed to get – I noticed the cloth under the sofa was hanging down.

I was just about to kick her for using it as a claw-sharpening device, when I thought I should take a closer look … so I tipped the beast up [such strength eh!] and realised that on this occasion Rosie was innocent because the issue was caused by a spring that had come loose and was pushing against the fabric.

Now I know I’m a hefty lump but there’s no way that should happen, so I called IKEA to tell them about it and get it fixed.

Imagine my surprise when they told me that despite having my order details, credit card info AND house address [because they delivered it] they were unable to help unless I was able to produce a receipt.

Look, I appreciate ‘the receipt is King’ … but given the sofa was only a matter of weeks old and they had all the information to prove who, when and where I bought it, I couldn’t work out why they were being so difficult especially when I had recently received such fantastic customer service for a product that had cost a fraction of the bloody sofa!

Now I know I might look a slob, but there’s some things I’m very anal about – and receipts/finances are one of those things that are top of that list – however for some reason I didn’t know where the hell the details of the sofa purchase/delivery was so when I rang IKEA pleading for some understanding, I was left feeling rather fucking angry when they wiped their hands of all responsibility.

The thing is, even though the sofa was perfectly fine to use, I was pissed off with IKEA’s attitude …

I know that I couldn’t physically show them the documents they needed … but the proof of purchase was at their fingertips [they even admitted they had all my details on file] and all they were doing was basically using a technicality to get out of their responsibility and if there’s one thing I absolutely detest, it’s people who don’t take responsibility.

So what could I do to teach the Swedish flat-pack fuckers a lesson?

Well writing to head office was out the question because not only was everything on their website in Swedish [hence I couldn’t find who/where to complain to] their HK store is a franchise operation so they could/would claim it’s a local issue and wouldn’t want to get involved.

What about writing to the local franchise boss?

Yeah I could … but given his/her ‘head office’ people had already told me on the phone they were unable and unwilling to help … I knew it was going to be a pretty pointless and fruitless exercise.

Finally there was the ‘sue the bastards’ option, but to be honest, after all the pain with SONY Ericsson [which I won – thanks spirit-of-Dad!] I just couldn’t be arsed to go through all that again.

So did that mean I was going to let them get away with it?

Was it hell.

What I did was call up the store and ask to speak to the manager as he was the one who had been [mis]handling my case.

Before he could say a word, I jumped straight in …

“You know how you say I have to produce a receipt or you won’t help …”

“Yes” he replied, sounding bored and uninterested.

“… well I don’t think you guys ever gave me one. I think you just dropped off the sofa and walked away.”

Shocked, he responds, “But that’s impossible sir”.

“It is possible because I’m sure you didn’t give me one.” I counter.

“But we never leave unless we have the customers signature”. he retorts.

“Prove it” I scream, trying to hide the excitement my evil plan just might come off.

“OK sir …” the increasingly pissed off IKEA robot spits, “… I’ll email it to you”.

And you know what?

He did.

And you know what I did?

Yep, I walked straight over to Mr Store Managers IKEA and – with the biggest, smuggest fucking smile you’ve ever seen – handed over the receipt AND delivery note he’d just emailed me and demanded he FIX MY FUCKING SOFA!!!

Hence Robert 1. IKEA 0.

24 Comments so far
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so basically you lied didnt you campbell. but what a fucking genius lie.

now if you could let your devious conman brain come up with shit like that at work every so often we might stop thinking youre nothing but a fucking blogwriting freeloader.

for all the martha fucking stewarts who have just read my comment and are i in the process of writing complaint letters to the police, local senators and the daily fucking mail, i mean i want campbell to come up with brilliantly devious ideas for our clients not line our own pocket cons so keep your fucking self rightous accusory shit to yourselves.

Comment by andy@cynic

That should win an effie. Brilliant.

Comment by Pete

The customer is always fat. I mean right.

Comment by John

I knew you were a shit but you’re a clever shit.

I am impressed.

Comment by Billy Whizz

At the risk of being serious, I think this is a great illustration of the indifference that can result from making customer service a process rather than an attitude.

Comment by John

I’ll warn our customer service guys immediately.

Comment by Bazza

At the risk of sounding complimentary, I think you sum it up pretty well John – too much reliance on processes [designed for a company to not let go of their money] and not enough focus on common sense and investment in loyalty.

Comment by Rob

The way you describe that manager I’m not sure I’d let him use his common sense. It kind of a catch 22.

Comment by Rafik

Very amusing. John’s comment reminds me of a story Geoff Burch told us about a client of his.

Dealing with a board of directors, he enquired what the service department was empowered to do when faced with justifiable customer complaints.

He was told the organisation had a policy of zero tolerance because they felt customers and staff would abuse the system for their own gain.

Having just read Robert’s post, the board of directors may have had a point.

Comment by George

Too many companies use their customer service departments like their HR departments … as a management/revenue defence unit rather than something that can lead the brand and it’s people to happier, healthier times.

Fuck, I’ve turned into some flowery fool.

Back to me beating those thieving Swedish bastards. And where is Freddie??? Come on Mr Viking, are you going to take that without a fight?

Comment by Rob

The guy who founded IKEA was a card-carrying member of the Swedish Nazi party. Next time, force the flatpack brownshirts to give you a new sofa. But still; good effort!

Comment by Ella

I need you to talk to my friends Fredrik and Petra … they are still trying to keep the open secret, errrrrm, a secret.

Swedes love Nazi’s … what other reason could there be for the tank like Volvo and the V bomb whine of Roxette?

Comment by Rob

Excellent work Campbell. Excellent

Comment by The Kaiser

Your praise is like winning an Oscar Mr Kaiser.

Comment by Rob

When all it merits is an Oscar Meyer wiener.

Comment by John

You get 30 seconds to thank eveybody.

Comment by The Kaiser

dont fucking encourage him marcus. it is marcus isnt it? cant keep up with all your fucking names. anyway whoever the fuck you are stop making campbell feel good, his head is already the size of a fucking zepplin and with as much fucking hot air.

Comment by andy@cynic

You bring shame on our country so we bring pain on your head. Look out for the warriors because we want revenge.

Comment by Viking Sven

whose on the piss at this time of day / night and why are you speaking like jean claude van twat?

nice threat though. straight to the fucking point. like that.

Comment by andy@cynic

Hello Andy. Yes, it is I.

Comment by Marcus

which one? kaiser, viking or both? is this your way of getting more salaries you clever fucker.

Comment by andy@cynic

Just the Kaiser. I’m a man. I can’t possibly multi-task.

Comment by Marcus

youre more than a man brown. you’re a man who manages to survive in a fucking shed. in krautland. surrounded by krauts. thats billy big bollocks man standard and be fucking proud of it.

but im king of man but that goes without fucking saying despite fucking saying it.

Comment by andy@cynic

[…] now I’ve told that story, it’s reminded me of the time I used the same logic to get one over on IKEA Hong Kong, who were trying to fuck me over with a new sofa we […]

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